She gets away with doing whatever she wants

[Timbucktutu]

Nice evening, cosy by the fire.
Dd decides she wants to make soup, I tell her we don’t have the ingredients and we can make tomorrow. Dd stubborn and becomes quite single minded when she gets an idea into her head (suspect Nd) so I just leave her to it and try to be patient about the mess that will be made and to just let it go.
Dh goes into the kitchen and sees she’s spilt a jar of cinnamon all over the floor, starts to get angry, Dd saying sorry. He tells her she can’t make all this and can’t get all these ingredients out, comes in to tell me. At this point I don’t see the point of getting angry and he storms out saying that she gets away with doing whatever she wants

Who is being unreasonable here?

At 8 she absolutely is too young to just take it upon herself to start cooking in the kitchen despite a parent saying no.
No should mean no, you sound a poor parent who isn't giving your DD boundaries. You should be in charge in your house, not your DD. She's not paying the food bill, the energy bill, and no doubt not having to clean up the mess either.

Well your husband is correct. She does sound like she gets away with doing what she wants.

She's not a teenager she's 8!

Ok sorry. Cooking on her own in the kitchen at 8. A recipe for disaster.

At 8 she shouldn’t be making soup on her own so you’re unreasonable for that. Does she also make the pancakes etc without supervision?!
If she wanted to make soup then it needs to happen with supervision and to be planned when you’ve got the ingredients.

Your husband shouldn’t have had a go at an 8 year old for spilling something so he’s being a dick but he is right in that she seems to have got away with doing what she wants on this occasion.

Why aren’t you cooking with her? Not sure I would want an 8 year making soup without supervision

I’d go mental if I came downstairs and my husband had let our child mess up the kitchen on a Friday night. YABU.

Really? Any further thoughts there because I can't see it as black and white as you obviously do

Only if she is helped. What happened was not good for anyone

You were right in the fact it still wasn't as much the husbands fault as people made out.

It sounds completely chaotic tbh.

Was your DH cross with her for spilling the cinnamon? Or cross because he came down and saw a mess that had just been left all over the kitchen floor? It doesn't sound like she apologised if your DH walked in and found the mess

I don't think 8yos should be randomly making soup unsupervised, making a complete mess and using ingredients you don't have. I'm with your DH I'd be pretty cross to find a child getting ingredients out everywhere and spilling mess all over the floor

When my mum said no, that meant NO and there wasn’t a soul within earshot who wanted to find out the consequences of disobeying her.

Not even my dad.

Who lets their kid go through life creating messes that they expect somebody else to clean up?
That shite just don’t fly around here.

To be honest yes. Maybe not fuming but I'd be cross. An 8yo spills a drink, fine they obviously need to drink.

An 8yo left unsupervised making soup random in the evening, making a mess of the kitchen and spilling entire jars of ingredients all over the floor snd clearly not telling anyone or trying to clear it up, yes I'd be pretty pissed off.

8yo children don't need to make soup on their own at 7pm on a Friday evening.

he storms out saying that she gets away with doing whatever she wants

Well nothing you've posted suggests that he's wrong.

You didn't say no to her because you've decided that you say no too often. So instead you wishy-washyed it with no ingredients and 'tomorrow'. So she did exactly what she wanted, just as your husband said.

She's stubborn. Maybe that's because you allow her to do what she wants so she knows that it works. You give in for a quiet life. Except it will be anything but quiet when she's a teenager unless you start meaning what you say.

I think the crucial thing is: did you say no then she did it anyway then you thought 'what's the harm?'
OR
Did you say no initially then change your mind and tell her she could before she then went and trashed the kitchen?

If the former, yabu and your DH is accurate in his assessment of events. If the latter, I'd still be annoyed about the mess in your DH's shoes, but I'd have checked with you first before telling her off.

Feel like you’re getting quite a hard time here OP. It’s easy to comment when you don’t have ND kids, even if they’re suspected ND. My daughter is 13 and recently diagnosed with ADHD. She acts on impulse a lot of the time and if she wants to do something or make something, she struggles if she can’t do it straight away. It’s hard to explain it to her sometimes. It takes time knowing now to navigate a ND child but there is no right or wrong and no one is doing anything wrong, it’s about learning what works best for you all as a family no matter how frustrating! X

All of you are. Your daughter was told no and did it anyway, making a mess she (regularly?) leaves for others. You said one thing and then didn't follow up on it. Your partner got frustrated because you said one thing, didn't follow through, and from your post it sounds like your daughter has done things like this before. Maybe some or all of you are ND, from what you say, but whether or not that is the case, clear, followed through boundaries are important.

It's even more important IME to help ND children be able to sit with not always getting things or doing things right now. Yes, it might be harder, but they still can't grow up with no limits. It seems a lot of parents of ND kids expect very little, like if they have ADHD people say you just can't expect them to have any impulse control. That's just not true, and it does them a disservice to always just let them do what they want when they want, or to give mixed messages, as the OP has done here.

They can be impulsive all they want a responsible adult will not use any suspect or actual label as excuse to go along with it

Yes I completely agree. My daughter certainly doesn't always get things or get to do things when she wants and I don't expect very little. I was explaining how as she's recently diagnosed, she sometimes finds it hard to understand why she can't do things straight away and why she's reacting the way she is.

Sorry, not sure if you're suggesting I'm an irresponsible adult?

She’s not a teenager, she’s 8! I might understand if she was a teenager but this is ridiculous!

Some of these comments 😂

As if i’m going to leave an 8 year old making real soup-boiling water and chopping veg 🙄
She was doing what she thinks can be soup-load of spices in a bowl, mixing it up.
I said no initially and as I said, I rethought it as have been questioning why I just automatically say no to things a lot without listening properly to
what she’s saying and because i’m too fussy about mess. So then I said ok and she started, house is open plan so I can see her, even though don’t need to supervise with stirring herbs etc, she makes pancakes and fried eggs now no problem-which I see as a good thing!
She tidied up afterwards with my help

I mean, you said making soup, so we assumed making soup.
So you meant she is just tipping random herbs into a bowl to pretend to make soup? No cooking?

Then im confused because you say she makes pancakes and fried eggs on her own.....so do you mean proper pancakes or playdoh ones?!

Dont get the reason for your post then soz 😂

Sorry but if anything that's even more ridiculous that there was no point to it whatsoever and a load of wasted ingredients.
Your husband shouldn't have shouted at your daughter but I might have shouted at you if I were him.