She gets away with doing whatever she wants

[Timbucktutu]

Nice evening, cosy by the fire.
Dd decides she wants to make soup, I tell her we don’t have the ingredients and we can make tomorrow. Dd stubborn and becomes quite single minded when she gets an idea into her head (suspect Nd) so I just leave her to it and try to be patient about the mess that will be made and to just let it go.
Dh goes into the kitchen and sees she’s spilt a jar of cinnamon all over the floor, starts to get angry, Dd saying sorry. He tells her she can’t make all this and can’t get all these ingredients out, comes in to tell me. At this point I don’t see the point of getting angry and he storms out saying that she gets away with doing whatever she wants

Who is being unreasonable here?

I think you should have been more supportive about her cooking. It’s a great skill to learn and it’s great to do independent activities like that. Yes, it’s annoying that they make a mess, but there’s really no other way to learn.

If you hadn’t said no to something you didn’t really mind her doing, your husband wouldn’t have had to back you up in a heavy-handed way while you shrugged. You set him up to fail.

Doing some cooking shouldn’t turn into something parents get angry about. Parents have a duty to model good behaviour, to be calm and authoritative. He should have stayed calm.

It’s unfortunate she spilt the cinnamon, but she was sorry about it. Without the surrounding circumstances, that would not have been a big deal.

Both parents messed up.

Mixed signals all over the place... if I told someone they were not making soup as we didn't have ingredients.. they won't be making soup end of.

You need to read the OP's updates.

It turns she wasn't making soup at all.

And apparently she wasn't cooking anything either, despite her earlier post to the contrary.

Confused? Join the club 😁

Well, I was going to post saying that one good thing here is that your daughter is interested in cooking - it's a great life skill. My daughter started cooking quite young (older than 8 though!) and at 14 she is now quite an accomplished cook and baker.

But now I can see you were just letting her play with food and waste it.....

To be honest I agree with your husband - that's really annoying.

Why didn't you say to her, yes we will make soup together, and show her how to actually make it? Soup can be really easy to make, all you would need is a tin of tomatoes, some stock, onion, dried herbs, for a basic tomato soup. And if you had already eaten, it could always be frozen.

OR, tell her that something like soup making requires planning, and distract her with another creative activity - I assume if she is 8 you have some craft stuff in the house, something like that? Or even look up soup recipes with her, get her to do a shopping list with you or something.....

I'm not claiming to be supermum - in fact by Mumsnet standards I am sure I am a pretty lazy parent, but even I can see it's not great to let an 8 year old muck around tipping spices and herbs out into a bowl in the kitchen.....

Can you genuinely not see your husband's point of view? At all?

Not saying he should be an arsehole about it - and certainly he shouldn't take it out on your daughter.....

I’m a rubbish mum 😔

Backtracking much op.
Your last update is nothing like your initial op, it’s like you’ve changed the story after most posters agreed with your DH
You continue allowing your stubborn 8 year old do what they like and I’ll imagine you’ll be back asking for advice on how to deal with an out of control teenager

Maybe you could start by telling us what actually happened? Was she cooking soup
or not?

What is your plan going forward?
Statements like this still don't show any real insight on your part into what's been happening here and what you plan to do to change things - with handling your child's behaviour and not laying the blame on your dh when he recognises a problem. It must be very frustrating for him to see what's happening and you won't back him up or even worse paint him as the bad guy. You need to change for your child's sake and for the sake of your marriage, many of us recognise that this isn't a one off incident.

You know as well as I do I was responding based on your comments about the child, not the comment about the dad.

You sound a bit drunk tbh, have you had too much wine and in 'fun, blasé mum mode?' Not judging, just what I'm picturing!

It doesn’t matter if she’s ND - my son is and it’s not an excuse for not enforcing and teaching boundaries. You should have told her no and enforced that decision.

You must teach your daughter that no means no.

And if you don't, then you are a sh*t parent.

Absolutely not! Ignore the nasty comments. You're doing great. There are some really upright people on here...that make ridiculous sweeping statements and have zero idea who you are and what you're actually like as a parent. The fact that you're as allowing your 8yo to make soup and be creative shows what a fab parent you are.

What soup @EvieBB ?

@EvangelineTheNightStar seems that @EvieBB is another one that hasn't grasped the thread, or read it fully, or even been in the same room as it! 🙄

But is ok, at least there’s the platitudes of “great mum”…

Well now you are being ridiculous as your post didn't go the way you wanted.
Yeah letting your kid mess up the kitchen and waste food/ingredients just because you didn't enforce no means no isn't a great mum in my view, but you can change that by setting boundaries and not just lazing around by the fire you mentioned in your first post. Your daughter is 8 and needs supervision and boundaries, not you slacking off and then calling it letting her be creative.

Don't try and guilt trip posters who have pointed out perfectly reasonable critique of your parenting, wife-ing and what you posted initially.

I actually don’t think there’s anything wrong with letting your child make an imaginary soup, if the communication about the whole thing had been dealt with better. It’s a fun, imaginative game, if you’re sparing with the ingredients. I remember doing it at the same age. I used whatever I could find, including my mum’s fag ash…. But I used tiny amounts of things because I knew it was wasteful and that’s what I’d been told to do.

When you have a stubborn child, it’s extremely hard work. I know, because I have one. It just means you have to be extra clear and calm about what you’re allowing and what you’re not, and follow through consistently. Even then, there will be conflict, but if you can acknowledge where you went wrong yourself (eg being inconsistent) it will be better for your relationship.

And it’s not good for children to be constantly supervised. It’s good for them to play imaginative games on their own.

👍

All the posts about being supervised were based on the fact that the OP said her daughter was ‘making soup’. Unsurprisingly, a lot of us took that to mean that the child was ‘making soup’, not just mixing herbs together in a bowl.

Youre not a rubbish Mum, just not a very clear poster on Mumsnet. Which is hardly a huge problem in the great scheme.

People are just suggesting advice based on what you said, but you can’t blame them for being confused.

You can see opinions are split but a lot of people are giving quite useful advice.

Soup - 2nd line
Re-read it....see the bit about cinnamon
On too many threads at the moment.....so very sorry .......so shoot me.... No need to be a b*tch about it!

OP - "My 3 year old wants to make bread - AIBU not letting him as he can't possible knead the dough properly and work out the oven dials"

Posters - "WHAT? Why are you letting a 3 year old near an oven and how can he possibly know what goes into bread??!"

OP - "You eejits, dont you realise I meant in his play kitchen with a bit of flour and water I have given him?"

Posters - "FGS, we aren't mind readers, why didn't you say that in your first post?"

OP - "waaaaaaaaagh 😭I am such a terrible mum "