Dd doesn't want to go back to school after giving birth

[LighterDays]

Reposting from Education forum in hopes to get more advice/experiences

You might remember me from my other threads but I've name changed again as I've posted some outing things.

My DD is 15 and she gave birth 2 nearly 3 weeks ago. She is supposed to be in year 10 and attended school up until Christmas, she had a horrible few weeks with her ex and his friends bullying her, name calling and he’d wait outside her classes to try and talk to her when she told him she didn't want to talk to him and it was quite intimidating to her. School weren't very supportive about this and it caused her a lot of stress so she didn't go in the last week or 2 but he isn't at the school now

Anyway after Christmas she was on what would probably be maternity leave, she studied at home though but since baby has been here she obviously hasn't. We never chatted about when she’d go back with the school or anything they just said let them know and keep them updated

She has said now she doesn't want to go back after Easter (he will only be 8 or 9 weeks old so I don't really blame her) so I don't think she will go back until September and even then she is sorta worried about leaving him from like 7:45 am (she left this time to get the bus) until nearly 4pm at 7 months but I guess that's how all parents feel

I'm just worried about how behind she will be in her GCSE year as she will have missed so much. I know 14+ colleges are a thing, I don't know if there are any locally but it would also help if it were more flexible rather than 8:30-3 days 5 days a week. I'd be caring for him most likely as that was agreed and I don't mind I just want her to do well.

If you/your dc have any experience of these colleges can you tell me know what its like? Also any advice in general would be appreciated

Don’t you work, OP?

I haven’t seen any posts by PP that suggest OP’s daughter never go into education or work again - what do you mean by ludicrous views?

Going back to school in Sept would mean the 15 year old (who is still a child and who will find motherhood harder and more tiring than someone in their 20s / 30s due to still growing and maturing herself) only has 6 months off with the child. Maybe that’s ok. But I’m not sure. I took an entire year off with all my kids and I know I was glad for it and found going back to work tiring. Maybe OPs daughter won’t feel like that and will be glad to go back to education and have a break from the baby, but it’s not a given and she shouldn’t be forced. She should be entitiled to a minimum of 9 months off, as per statutory maternity leave. She is raising the kid alone, and breastfeeding. Waking up all night every night. That doesn’t just stop after a couple of months. Her health and wellbeing needs to be prioritised as well as the baby’s, given she is also still just a child

Facts:

1. She was not a diligent or focussed student before falling pregnant.
2. She has now had a baby
3. she does not want to return to school and has expressed zero motivation

So… you manage to get her back in to school @LighterDays …. Do you honestly think that this is going to be anything other than unmitigated catalogue of detentions, missed school, no work being done, and ultimately failing all GCSEs?

Abort plan for school. It is a non starter.

That’s so nasty. He’s a young lad, give him some empathy please!

To those saying it's not possible to do GCSEs at home. It totally is. I did and got good grades. I did not have a baby though. I did get work from a proper provider ( so not my parents trying to teach me). I didn't find it difficult, but I am motivated. If you wait until the baby is a bit older your dd may be motivated too. She needs to want to do it though.

She should not attend the same school as her nasty bullying ex.

She shoukd stay off school till September and then restart year 10 at a different school.

...You don't "give empathy".

And no. He doesn't deserve it.

Why? They both had sex at a young age and are both now parents. What has he done wrong? Is it considered ok for the girl to have sex at 14/15 but not the boy? In a few years the child will be starting school, the parents will both be adults, and hopefully both still on board with parenting their child.

I'm glad it sounds like your daughter is bonding with her baby and that the thought of leaving them so soon (even with you) is troubling her.

I think it's great if you can do some research to finally share with her but leave her be for now. The trajectory of her life has changed massively so I don't think it's a huge deal if she takes more time off school with her baby as long as she gets back on a track eventually.

I'd suggest she tries a baby group that is heavily activity based so she doesn't feel too out of place with too much older mum chat. Even if she is not going to be making friends to have coffee with, the change of scenery and structure will do her good. I'd try the Children's centres run by the council - those workers have seen it all I imagine and can hopefully help put her at ease.

Did I read that he is bullying her and getting his friends to bully her? If it was a grown man doing that to his ex girlfriend/mother of his child it would rightly be called out as unacceptable

Given she had a horrible few weeks with her ex and his friends bullying her, name calling and he’d wait outside her classes to try and talk to her when she told him she didn't want to talk to him and it was quite intimidating to her

he would not be welcome in my home

Wha has he done wrong? @Jane143

she had a horrible few weeks with her ex and his friends bullying her, name calling and he’d wait outside her classes to try and talk to her when she told him she didn't want to talk to him and it was quite intimidating to her

@Sunshineandgrapefruit How did you do the sciences? Art? What about drama? Or MFLs? It’s usually a limited number and she’s mid way through y10. She should start at another school in Sept. Go down to y10.

Science wasn't a problem. Art was fine. French I practiced with a local french speaker every week. Friend of the family. I didn't do drama. My point was just it is possible. Not ideal but needs must. Obviously not for everyone and only one of several options. In this case the op's daughter may well prefer to delay for a few years but if she did want to finish from home it's one option and possible.

You didn’t have a baby

The end

I can understand her not wanting to go back so soon, could she be homeschooled this year and then rejoin in year 11? I did homeschool at 16 for a year (via distance learning course) alongside working and actually did far better than I’d done at school. Would you be willing to watch the baby for a couple of hours a day while she studied? As she lives at home and doesn’t have a house to run then she should be able to get some study in when the baby naps too. I found I didn’t need to spend as much time studying with homeschool to take in the equivalent information as I did at school. Years later I did an OU degree while being a FTM to 3 children, including a baby and toddler so it is possible but depends on your child and any support systems. No way I could do that with my current toddler, barely get chance to load the dishwasher 🤣

I get that but i’d rather be able to keep an eye on things. I did “ban” him from coming over before she got pregnant and it just ruined our relationship, we weren't really getting aling due to her behaviour and all conversation turned into arguments then she moved to her dads where she had more “freedom” as he wasn't getting home until 7/8pm in the week so obviously she was able to have him over and her dads house is closer to his than ours so it did only push then closer literally

She’s not making great choices in life is she?

So she wants this bully who made her life hell over?

Im guessing she’s desperately hoping for a relationship with him?

and you think her going to school, the same school he attends, is a good idea?

What did her dad say who allowed his daughter to get pregnant under his roof?

I emailed the college yesterday where I found the 14-16 course just enquiring but also I said a little about the situation and dd being in year 10 and got a reply this morning saying

Good morning,

Thank you for your enquiry.

Due to legal implications, swaying a parent to take their child off school roll is an illegal act. I am unable to assist you in this.

I would recommend that you contact the <our county> Inclusion Team to discuss what options would best suit your daughter before removing her from the school roll.

I emailed the inclusion team and got an automated reply and saying I'll hear back in 10 days. I don't understand how what I asked was an illegal act for them to answer I just asked about the course. I don't know I'm probably being thick.

I thought this would be more straightforward forward so I'm glad I'm doing it now and haven't left it until the last minute say July time

It’s your dd’s school who are potentially acting illegally, if they are encouraging you to take her off roll. They don’t want to support that, I guess.

fwiw, my experience of 14-16 college is that it is extremely underfunded and much effort is needed to supplement the deficiencies - we were still essentially home educating, but with some support. Grade expectations were low. It was still great for our son but might not be ideal for your daughter.

That's really unhelpful and unkind.

Is there a mother and baby school in your area. That might help her if there is one.

There’s nothing magical about a year; it’s not an evidence-based amount of time. It’s fine to take if you and your partner can fund it, and are not already in a high risk situation with a mum and baby much more likely to face poverty and benefits dependence than many other new mums. Then you rerun to the stable work you’d already established and continue providing financially for the child for which you are responsible.

There are some absolutely stupid views being expressed repeatedly on this thread by people who appear to be unaware that providing financially for a baby is a major role of parenting, and that very young parents in this situation are at greater risk of poverty.

There are several groups and organisations that exist solely because of this reality.