Dd doesn't want to go back to school after giving birth

[LighterDays]

Reposting from Education forum in hopes to get more advice/experiences

You might remember me from my other threads but I've name changed again as I've posted some outing things.

My DD is 15 and she gave birth 2 nearly 3 weeks ago. She is supposed to be in year 10 and attended school up until Christmas, she had a horrible few weeks with her ex and his friends bullying her, name calling and he’d wait outside her classes to try and talk to her when she told him she didn't want to talk to him and it was quite intimidating to her. School weren't very supportive about this and it caused her a lot of stress so she didn't go in the last week or 2 but he isn't at the school now

Anyway after Christmas she was on what would probably be maternity leave, she studied at home though but since baby has been here she obviously hasn't. We never chatted about when she’d go back with the school or anything they just said let them know and keep them updated

She has said now she doesn't want to go back after Easter (he will only be 8 or 9 weeks old so I don't really blame her) so I don't think she will go back until September and even then she is sorta worried about leaving him from like 7:45 am (she left this time to get the bus) until nearly 4pm at 7 months but I guess that's how all parents feel

I'm just worried about how behind she will be in her GCSE year as she will have missed so much. I know 14+ colleges are a thing, I don't know if there are any locally but it would also help if it were more flexible rather than 8:30-3 days 5 days a week. I'd be caring for him most likely as that was agreed and I don't mind I just want her to do well.

If you/your dc have any experience of these colleges can you tell me know what its like? Also any advice in general would be appreciated

Well, he should have thought about that before getting her pregnant. She’s dealing with the consequences, why shouldn’t he have to?

She would have to start at level one if she had no GCSE,s
I think level 2 courses require at least 3 GCSE,s at grade 3 or above.

My son had cancer and missed most of Year 3 and didn't start Year 4 for the first time until after the Easter holidays. I asked about him going into Year 3 with a view to start Year 4 in September and the LA outright refused so he started Year 4 and is in Year 5 now still playing catch up.

Well its not 'getting her pregnant' its, you know, a joint enterprise getting pregnant

And I ask again, whats he going to contribute then, whats his income?

I mean I know this site hates men but lets at least wait until they're adults.

I would hope in such circumstances the school would be understanding and allow her to return in September and retake year 10. It makes most sense since she’s only attended one term of year 10 anyway. Speak to the school. I think she’s had so much disruption this year, it will be difficult to pick up again in year 11 and be expected to pass her exams.

He’s probably got as much income as she does, ie zero, but somehow her family are going to have to cover costs. Why shouldn’t he/his? It’s not men-hating to expect both parents to take an equal role in paying for and caring for their DC. It’s just logic - in fact, the same logic you’ve applied yourself. It takes two to tango, so two should be doing the childcare and finance.

Depends on the course. Many vocational courses are happy just with a pass in English. I’d expect you need more for A Levels, it depends what she wants to do.

I did an access course at college in my 20s with 2 GCSEs to my name in English Lit and Lang. They were A*s but the only GCSEs I had. I now have a PhD so got through 8 years at uni with two GCSEs. They’re not always important.

I know a lot of people are saying similar but your daughter is in a different path. She’s going to be “behind” academically, she has a challenging set of circumstances ahead but she can catch up later. I wouldn’t force her back to school, she’s beyond that now.

I got pregnant at 15 and no one could talk me into an abortion, you can’t force anyone to have an abortion.

@LighterDays i think you should forget the school and look into college even if she takes a year out to focus on her child. Lots of colleges have nurseries on site there’s a grant for young parents to pay for it I think it’s called care to learn if that’s something you and your daughter are interested in.

Could study GCSEs at home and sit them at a testing centre but if not there are loads of people who fail their GCSEs and don’t even have children so she won’t be the only one if she starts her course at level one

Because back on earth and in the real world, he is a child, she is a child, she has a mum who wants to do child care, he may not have (and he's not got PR anyway due to the choice of the baby's mum which is fine, thats her choice) and his parents have no responsibility to the child in reality.

OP has taken responsibility, thats her choice and commendable but its either not their choice or OP and the family dont ant them involved (and I dont blame them)

Thats the reality of kids having kids. Not fair but its happened, the child is here now and berating the probably confused and inept boy for not having any income to contribute or doing 'child care' is ridiculous and only born out of man hating.

Ok I think you need to face facts…. She was not diligent and focused before falling pregnant (other than when just started secondary), so success at gcse was probably going to be limited even without a baby.

Now? Very likely a complete waste of time with nothing achieved at the end of it.

Forget the school idea.

That maybe be the case then, and you were doing an access course and an adult but ime having a 19 year old at college
Most level 2 courses have minimum requirements.

I had no evidence of GCSE’s before doing my level 2 FC English and maths, just went straight into it. I might have done some pre-assessments first to make sure I was capable though, can’t remember now. Maybe it depends on the learning provider.

I agree with you pro choice is exactly that, we support pregnant women/ girls to mske the right choice for them
Not force them into an abortion or having the baby.

My friends daughter did this. She moved down a year and repeated it all, but she had some really good friends in both years and everyone was very kind and supportive and helped her along the way.
She stayed for 6th form and went to university and is a teacher herself now and it was all ok in the end
it’s early days yet but there are plenty of options to consider.

if you think she should've forced her child to have an abortion regardless of what she wanted then you are a fucking disgrace.

How rude can you be? “Mum” is having to read comments like yours. Have a word with yourself.

If she does stay in school, I would discuss her starting back from September and see if she can drop some of her gcses given what she will have missed. That was the plan for DS if he had not been home ed from year 10 as he had missed most of years 8 and 9 due to health.

Maybe they could send work home for non practical subjects and she could concentrate on those. Even if she only gets low grades in a few subjects she will have a better choice at college. While some Level 1 courses will allow students to start with no gcses, most still expect some even if very low grades. This crops up a lot in the home ed community and who colleges will accept varies hugely. Lots of areas have little to no 14-16 college provision or opportunity to do gcses at college (other than retakes alongside another course). In our area, level 1 couses for students with no gcses are very very limited.

Hopefully she will feel able to go to some mum and baby groups and maybe you can go with her if she would feel more comfortable, especially as you have another little one. Don't be put off by the first one either. Sometimes, interactive music ones might be better than the coffee and chat ones or vice versa. There is no great rush. I was in my 30's and it took a good few weeks before I felt comfortable going.

There are options even if she leaves with no GCSEs. It’s always free to do English and maths GCSE courses at college at any age for starters and you can do an access course after if you want to go to uni.

Most vocational courses (health and social care, childcare, beauty, construction etc) just want English.

I’ve read all of your replies but haven’t read the whole thread so I apologise if I’m repeating what a PP has likely said.

I’m a teacher at a Secondary (possibly close to you as we also start at the end of August). Firstly, I’m sorry that the school weren’t helpful with the bullying and that, as a result, she is now reluctant to return.

Secondly, if you haven’t already it may be worth approaching the school to discuss options for returning on a part-time timetable. I have known a number of students become parents during year 10/11 across all of the schools I have worked in. All schools gave the students the option of returning on a part-time timetable (either not every day, or - more common - shorter days) to support them in managing to gain some qualifications whilst raising their child. It is unlikely that she will be entered for every GCSE course unless she wants to (the workload to catch up in the space of 8 months wouldn’t be manageable and fair for her, and entering her for a GCSE she is likely to perform poorly in will selfishly look bad on the school too so it’s kind of a lose-lose situation) and so her timetable would be reduced and therefore she wouldn’t necessarily need to be in all day.

I hope your daughter and grandchild are doing well. You sound like a wonderfully supportive parent.

This is what I mean.

I find it shocking that people think a 15 year old
girl doesn’t know what she wants for her own body. A girl at my school had twins at 15. Another girl had a baby when she was 16 the following year. It has never occurred to me back then and in the 20 years since those babies were born that their mums didn’t know what they wanted at that age so they should have just had abortion “to be on the safe side.”

Pro choice works both ways. But then this is MN where people even tell 35 year old women that having the baby would obviously be terrible. I’m all for abortion being a choice but some people really peddle abortion even to women and girls who do want their babies. Thank god OP didn’t gas light her daughter in to believing she can’t make her own choices about her own body because “she doesn’t know what she wants.”

I agree. There are a few dangerous viewpoints on this thread.

If you're in England she is able to take 18 weeks as maternity leave from school. After this then she will need to be in some form of education and the LA should be checking on this. The school should not take her off the roll and should make contact with you and her to discuss future arrangements as that 18 week period draws to a close.
It is the schools duty to ensure she can continue with her education, how they do this can vary.
Some schools or academies will allow pupils to continue and repeat a year or do fewer exams. Others will arrange alternative provision which could be a mother and baby provision or hospital school outreach or home tuition. Or they can make a referral for section 19 provision via the local authority again this could be for home tuition, AP or even an AV 1 robot which links to her lessons and allows remote participation.

Whilst I appreciate other posters are trying to be helpful with saying let her take a year out or what they did 20 years ago or their grandmother's experience they're not very relevant and in keeping with the law and requirements for education now

. Your daughter is very lucky to have such a supportive mum who is looking out for her now and for her future.

It sounds from other OP posts that he’s not welcome and not encouraged to be a part of his baby son’s life at the moment. Rightly or wrongly we don’t know

@Councilworkerthank you, that’s good to know. RE the 18 weeks would it be from start of the christmas holidays or the start of the new term in jan?

I have found there is a 14-16 provision at a college nearby it’s near her school so the same bus route and it’s almost the same distance (school might just be slightly further) but hopefully it will be more flexible. I dont think it has a nursery a further college does but then that college doesn’t have provision (from looking at the website, they very much could but keep it hidden) but it’s closer to the city centre 30 minutes on the bus so i’m not sure if dd would fancy that

also about childcare , we don’t know what the agreement will be when baby is older but right now dd is breastfeeding so her ex can’t take him anywhere and tbh i don’t think he is mature enough to have him on his own and baby is only 3 weeks old so it’s not in his interests to be away from dd so soon. i like him coming here as i can slightly keep an eye on things (not spying obviously as i’m kept busy by my other children) the boy doesn’t see his mum for whatever reason he lives with his dad and i definitely don’t think it’s a good idea for him to be involved after what he said about dd so we haven’t asked for anything from them financially