Dd doesn't want to go back to school after giving birth

[LighterDays]

Reposting from Education forum in hopes to get more advice/experiences

You might remember me from my other threads but I've name changed again as I've posted some outing things.

My DD is 15 and she gave birth 2 nearly 3 weeks ago. She is supposed to be in year 10 and attended school up until Christmas, she had a horrible few weeks with her ex and his friends bullying her, name calling and he’d wait outside her classes to try and talk to her when she told him she didn't want to talk to him and it was quite intimidating to her. School weren't very supportive about this and it caused her a lot of stress so she didn't go in the last week or 2 but he isn't at the school now

Anyway after Christmas she was on what would probably be maternity leave, she studied at home though but since baby has been here she obviously hasn't. We never chatted about when she’d go back with the school or anything they just said let them know and keep them updated

She has said now she doesn't want to go back after Easter (he will only be 8 or 9 weeks old so I don't really blame her) so I don't think she will go back until September and even then she is sorta worried about leaving him from like 7:45 am (she left this time to get the bus) until nearly 4pm at 7 months but I guess that's how all parents feel

I'm just worried about how behind she will be in her GCSE year as she will have missed so much. I know 14+ colleges are a thing, I don't know if there are any locally but it would also help if it were more flexible rather than 8:30-3 days 5 days a week. I'd be caring for him most likely as that was agreed and I don't mind I just want her to do well.

If you/your dc have any experience of these colleges can you tell me know what its like? Also any advice in general would be appreciated

I still think GCSEs at college would be a better option for her, and I think she needs a break from any of it while she adjusts to being a mother to a tiny baby.

I second this, I think a 16-plus college would be a much better fit for her as they'll be more flexible and will probably have a nursery. She can just take this year as maternity leave and go back in September. And she'll meet a wider range of people at the college, maybe some in a similar position to her. It will all be OK!

This
It is a word of difference when you have family support.
For those who don't, it is completely different.

To add to this comment online Kings InterHigh teach children who have been referred to them from the local authority. It's the LA who will pay her tuition fees and GCSEs. Worth looking into.

I had my first at 16 and took a year out. Its natural she wants to be with her baby

There's a national on line school,where she could study at home while caring for her baby .
Have a look and ask the school to refer her

I agree to letting her have the year out.

I went back to work when my DC2 was coming up to 4 months old and it was awful.
I left home by 7:25 at the latest and wouldn't get home until 18:00 and it was like DC2 didn't know me.
Id go straight to her and if she was a bit cranky, she wouldn't soothe with me.
Only with dad who was the sahp.
I declined into pnd.

I still mourn the missed years (I worked for 6 years following all this in 3 different jobs while dad stayed at home despite my pleading for him to go to work so I could bond with my baby).

I don't think your DD should study at home. Baby brain is real, hormones, sleep deprivation.... Let her take care of her baby while you take care of yourself. But don't overbare, let her take the lead but don't take shit either lol

Congratulations and good luck to you both x

She's chosen to have the baby, best to ditch all ideas of the usual timeline and being behind it, and let her focus on the baby. It's hard enough going back to work after a proper mat leave but at that age and with all the school issues, I'd park the issue for this year and she can pick up again next year when she's ready in a setting that's kinder and more appropriate for a teenage mum.

Sounds like she might be fine just doing her maths and english and then looking into something like a health and social care btech or something less pressured that will still lead to a job and fit with her parenting commitments going forward. It's great that she's got you to help with childcare and looking out for her education, but she also doesn't have go all in on the education and miss out on the motherhood, especially important if the ex is not going to be a good parent.

Take your time looking into options for the future and let her focus on the baby now and for a good few months before she's ready to start looking ahead more.

My local authority has a specialist social work team to support parents under 21 years old. Could you access something similar?

I teach kids in college that haven’t got their GCSEs. There are lots of 17 and 18 year olds there. Give her some time. If she does them when she’s not ready she won’t get the best outcome anyway. I don’t think I could have studied for GCSEs post partum. Her hormones and brain will not have settled. I definitely wouldn’t have her in high school being harassed. Poor thing

Isn't this really bad advice if they haven't got a plan? I thought once you hit the "home educate" button you are on your own and the LA don't have to help when you come asking. I'm not saying that home education isn't a possibility but at least work out how it's going to work first, especially as OP said she doesn't think she can afford to home educate!

I wouldn't send her back to school at all. Colleges do pre access/level 2 access courses which would be far more suitable.

An adult woman would be able to take a year off of work, I really don't think school is the priority now. Children's school experiences get disrupted in all sorts of ways, there are options later down the line.

@LighterDays we had the same scenario at the previous secondary school I taught at.

She re-started year 10 the following September, but on a reduced timetable. She did English, Maths, Child Development, Biology (rather than doing all three sciences she just did Biology on the separate science course) and then one other subject. She stayed in school between the lessons and used this as time to get homework done (as she found it hard at home) then went home as soon as her last lesson was done. She passed all 5 GCSEs with C or above.

She then went on to college after that.

The school let her work in the SEN unit between lessons. They agreed 5 GCSEs was a sensible amount. Socially she struggled as she was always known as the girl who had a baby at 15, but she seemed to have a supportive small group of friends who helped her.

Personally I would write off the year. Unless she is very bright and would have nailed a ton of 8's and 9's without the interruption of a baby, I'd look for a college that she can take her full 2 year GCSE cycle in, starting in September and take a reduced number of subjects in a focussed way so she gets the best grades that will see her into 6th form college for further education rather than trying to rack up volume of GCSE's.

I've gone back to work at 7 months, held down a full time job with childcare obviously. I wouldn't have relished coming home and trying to study on top of it so it's also going to be a long haul for you for the next few years if she is going to leave school with the qualifications to progress. It's too early now but if you are going to do this much heavy lifting to support her to stay in school, she is going to have to acknowledge that her life has changed and its study/baby/study if she wants the best for both of them in the long term.

And congratulations to her on her newborn, and to you as a grandmother. She has chosen a hard road which takes guts and her ex and his friends are a bunch of arseholes.

I had my son at 16, I had him in the September and didn’t go back until the following September. My stepmum looked after him whilst I was at sixth form. It was tough as I was very tired but I made it work. Could she just restart year 10 starting in September? That would be almost 9 months off which is normal for maternity leave

A few people have mentioned the idea of home education. I would suggest that you explore this possibility alongside the other options, but do get your information from home educating parents. There's a shocking amount of misinformation spread by people who are unfamiliar with how it works, but who think they understand it!

Don't rush to take your daughter off the school roll immediately, however. Once you've deregistered her, you will get no support from the school or LA. See whether they have anything useful to offer first.

There's a home ed board here on Mumsnet. It's not bad, though there aren't all that many people on it. Also on some threads there, we get many other people wandering through and commenting who they don't know what they're talking about. The best place to discuss home education these days is on Facebook. You can find a local group by going to the FB search bar and typing "home education" followed by the name of your city or county. People will be able to tell you about offerings at local colleges etc, and at some point your daughter might enjoy social gatherings.

I think she needs to focus on being a mum right now, even adults find it hard to think about anything else in these first few weeks, and she’s only 15. Approach the topic again in summer, there will be ways to finish her education.

I wasn't a teenage mother but my education was disrupted around the age of 14/15 and I did not return to school. I have no regrets about sitting GCSEs/A levels at college but I do think that my path would have been smoother if I had been able to keep up some form of learning at home in the interim. So if I were you I would be encouraging your daughter to look at colleges but also to keep up some form of regular study to keep things ticking over in the meantime.

I'd say that taking the rest of the school year off and rejoining in September in the year group below would be the best thing for her. This is the equivalent to approx 9 months off which is what many of us (me included) are able to do with statutory maternity leave. Having this time to recover physically and mentally, to be able to breastfeed as you're not in work/school/education for a chunk of the day, and to be able to take the baby to all appointments, baby massage, baby swimming etc is all very valuable.

This should hopefully give her more of a chance to distance herself from her intimidating ex and his friends.

I know that there are college and tuition options for GCSEs but from a social side of things, if she were my daughter I'd rather her be in a school environment making those memories and relationships.

However, what I don't understand from your post is who will look after the baby while she's in school and that's really important as that dictated how many hours of work I could afford to do. She surely won't be able to pay a nursery or childminder and although there are some free hours available (I don't know the details), would that even come close to the hours she'd need to be in school?

Alternatively, if she's able and you can afford for her to do GCSEs through a tutor or private college, she could concentrate on just maths, english and a couple that she's most interested in so she gets those basics under her belt and it doesn't eat up so much time.

Does her ex have any contact with the baby? Does her ex's family?

Does your LA have an education service for teen mothers? Most do, or have access to a neighbouring LA's service.

Have a look on their website.

Is she self motivated enough to homeschool or online school for this year then restart at a new school in September? Or even homeschool her GCSEs and go to sixth form college after?

This is a long time ago but the girl in the year above me had a baby and came back to school and was in our year. I assume this is sensible
She did her exams with us.

I hope you and your dd are allowed to choose whats best for all and not be pressured with being in right year.

Take care

I think for now just leave it. Baby is so young and most older Mum's aren't ready to think about when they will be ready to leave their baby yet.

Is there any way she can just be held back a year and go back in Sept to year 10?

Or if she home schools just focus on key GCSEs needed. All depends if she has a plan for careers and what she’s needs to progress to make this happen.