Hen do pressure when chronically ill

[Cherry346]

Long story short - I'm due to attend a friend's hen do shortly. I've had a very debilitating chronic illness for 5 years having previously been very fit / active / sociable. I've been in a bad relapse since Christmas and have barely left the house, it's been extremely tough mentally and physically particularly with young children. In the weeks leading up to the hen do I've had numerous messages from the bride saying " I will be gutted if you can't make it", "you have to make my hen" etc etc and in the days leading up to it random (and, I feel, slightly loaded) texts saying "so excited for the hen". The reality is I probably can't make a decision until the actual day as it's just so unpredictable. This won't affect anyone else as I've paid upfront and will accept I'll lose the money if I can't go. I just feel these constant messages and "guilt trips" are adding to the pressure and, tbh, are unfair. I wish more than anything I could look forward to a much needed girls' weekend and guarantee my attendance but that just isn't possible with this condition which can leave me unable to shower for weeks on end. Am I being unreasonable to think perhaps a bit more compassion should be shown here?

Im taking a different point of view im afraid.
I can well imagine sending the ' looking forward to celebrating with you' messages, more due to ( now, obvious) ignorance.
I'd know you weren't well, but would be wanting you to still feel involved, to know, that whatever, you were still wanted.
Be there for 30 minutes, then bugger off? Fine.
Be there for 10 minutes and need a break? No problem
Not turn up at all? That's fine, i just want you to know that you're always welcome.

Suggesting that your friend doesn't care about you may be nonsense, they are just caring in the only way they know.

Fair enough op. Re money.

Stand up for yourself. For your health. X

"then bugger off"? Wow. 😪 I see your point, which I thank you for, but that could have been phrased so much better if it was intended compassionately.

Thanks for your comment. I get that - but in the past when I've been honest with friends in that way I've lost them. So I guess im
scarred and don't want to risk jeopardising other friendships

I understand that fear, but would argue that they weren’t your friend in the first place if they would ditch you over such a thing.

She’s saying you can stay 30 minutes and then leave if you want. She wasn’t insulting you.

The only person that stands to lose anything from not attending is me - I've made sure that's the case.

Using the phrase "then bugger off" is insulting and completely diminishes the situation. 5 years ago I'd have been the last one standing. In my new hellish existence, if I do have to leave, I don't "bugger off", I make my (often profuse) apologies and go home to bed, usually guilt ridden and despairing.

You mention this is a good friend, who is supportive and helpful where she can be. Why do you feel that her texts to you aren't simply because she's excited about getting married, and will be gutted if you're not well enough to go?

I am sorry you're feeling this way, but I'm almost certain that if you told your friend that her texts are making you feel upset, she'd be upset about that as her intention is purely to share her joy with you.

I think it's really really unfair to be talking about her like she's selfish and not compassionate. Sure, it's hard to know what chronic illness is like if you've never experienced it, and that's why we give grace when someone makes a clumsy comment (or we tell them we don't like it, and they don't say it again), because you're probably right, she only sees you when you're "well", so it's difficult to conceptualise the difficulties you're facing. She's allowed to be excited about her hen and wedding and all the rest of it, and frankly, if she's doing something that upsets you and you don't tell her, then how is she supposed to know and stop doing it?!

I have chronic pain I tend to say no to stuff like this because I need to sit/ rest regularly and I can’t dictate how the event will play out as it’s not my event. Plus if I have a flair up I’d have to cancel.

Suffer from the same condition and completely get how hard these situations are. Also have primary aged children.
The bride to be clearly doesn't understand the complexities of managing the condition. The added pressure sheets putting on you really doesn't help.
Either ignore her or keep responding with the same statement. Ie I'd love to be there, but as I have an unpredictable, debilitating condition, I can't confirm until nearer the date. Please respect me in knowing how best to manage my illness. I'm particularly ill at the moment and have barely left the house since Christmas.
If she still keeps niggling you I would be tempted to tell her you aren't going (as she could be a nightmare when you are away). Then at least she knows.
Sending love

You are being overly sensitive. The PP just meant leave in whatever way you are comfortable with.

This is a woman who said, ‘see, you can do it if you try’ when the OP on one occasion was well enough to go out with her. There’s nothing compassionate about that.

To be honest, unless someone has a close family member or has experienced a serious illness, most people have no idea. They don't mean to come across as unsympathetic or unkind, they are simply ignorant, with a complete lack of understanding.

I think this is likely the case for your friend. Of course she wants you to come to her hen do, but she doesn't realise that her messages are putting you under pressure, and likely making you feel bad/guilty.

It's very very difficult for someone to understand a serious or chronic illness, and like I said above, unless you've walked in those shoes, you can't.

Tell your friend that you probably won't know until the day, if you are likely to be able to come or not. She might find it disappointing, if you can't, which you understand. However, her disappointment is nothing compared to the frustration you feel towards your own body, because you are living it, and to be grateful she isn't.

I have had a brain injury due to contracting bacterial meningitis and septicemia, it has caused a lot of side effects that aren't obvious when you look at me. I forget things very easily, due to memory issues, and it can be frustrating for others. They aren't living it though are they, they don't get embarrassed or sometimes humiliated, because people think they're a bit dim! My brain works slower, because it takes longer to process information but I'm definitely not stupid! I don't expect people to understand, how can they? They've not experienced the same and it's difficult for anyone who hasn't to comprehend.

Just a thought from someone who has never had a chronic illness - perhaps your friend is thinking she wants to be encouraging, positive, upbeat and doesn’t want you feeling left out or as if she has written off you not coming. I know it must be difficult with feeling the pressure, but perhaps she also doesn’t know what to say/do?

I think unless there is a very high chance you think you will make it, i’d pull out now. Hen Do’s are so full on and it sounds like you have been very unwell. There is a huge difference between a Hen Weekend and a few afternoon drinks and ive never come back from a Hen Weekend/girls weekend anything other than exhausted (and im fit and well). I’d suggest doing something simple with close friends when you feel upto it. The pressure is enough to make you post here so that wont be helping your health at all.

To be honest, unless someone has a close family member or has experienced a serious illness, most people have no idea.
I don't have close family members with serious chronic illness, but do have some friends who have/had one. It isn't hard to understand or empathise; it just involves a bit of listening and observing so you learn about the situation and how it affects them. Like any aspect of friendship really.
There really isn't an excuse.

It’s weird how the person with the life-limiting illness is expected to expend energy repeating themselves over and over. Someone else may not ‘get’ it, but in reality, they also don’t want to accept the comparatively tiny change to their life that the other person’s disability has, whilst the person with the actual disability has to keep pandering, explaining and doing somersaults.