Hen do pressure when chronically ill

[Cherry346]

Long story short - I'm due to attend a friend's hen do shortly. I've had a very debilitating chronic illness for 5 years having previously been very fit / active / sociable. I've been in a bad relapse since Christmas and have barely left the house, it's been extremely tough mentally and physically particularly with young children. In the weeks leading up to the hen do I've had numerous messages from the bride saying " I will be gutted if you can't make it", "you have to make my hen" etc etc and in the days leading up to it random (and, I feel, slightly loaded) texts saying "so excited for the hen". The reality is I probably can't make a decision until the actual day as it's just so unpredictable. This won't affect anyone else as I've paid upfront and will accept I'll lose the money if I can't go. I just feel these constant messages and "guilt trips" are adding to the pressure and, tbh, are unfair. I wish more than anything I could look forward to a much needed girls' weekend and guarantee my attendance but that just isn't possible with this condition which can leave me unable to shower for weeks on end. Am I being unreasonable to think perhaps a bit more compassion should be shown here?

Can you say you have spoken to GP and they have advised you not to go. I kniw its lying but it might shut her up x

I don't think you're going to manage a full weekend. I've got cfs/stomach issues and I have been out of the house quite a lot since Christmas but there's no way I'd agree to go. Even if I managed the weekend (I wouldn't), it would take weeks to recover.

I do totally understand not wanting to accept this life and worrying about losing your friends. I still can't pace because every time I start to recover I think I'm back to normal. I just never seem to learn.

I know...

You said - 'Maybe I am looking at it too simply!' (about the likelihood of her being able to go)

She said - 'i think you are'

You said - 'you can think what you like'

My point it - she is a better judge of whether your view of how likely it is she will be able to attend is simplistic or not.

I agree that unless you’ve lived it people really don’t understand the unpredictability of chronic illness.

Try to view it that your friend really wants you at the hen, you clearly mean something to her. Maybe she’s trying to show you that and it isn’t coming from a place of pressure or guilt tripping

Why lie, just be honest, the GP doesn't give a fig and her friends will know this

Whether I have any idea or not isn't the issue

The OP says she has barely left the house since Christmas, some days she is functional - this is a weekend!

The OP is clearly worried about it

How is she supposed to do a full weekend, if some days she is functional??

That's not supportive or compassionate. It's judgemental and quite cruel.
There seems to be enormous pressure on you regarding the hen do. In all honesty, because of this attitude I'd just back out now and give yourself some space.

I think she's probably just worried in case you flake at last minute. Have you actually told her upfront when she invited you that although you'd love to go, and would be happy to pay and then lose the money if you can't, you won't actually know if you can attend until the time? And does she want you to still plan to attend with this uncertainty or would she rather invite someone else?

If not then that's not very fair to her. If you have been upfront then she's being really unfair on you.

When is the actual wedding OP? Is it likely that if you push yourself to attend the hen, you'll set yourself back and then be unable to attend the wedding?

for example when I made it out for a few drinks one Saturday afternoon she said "see- you can do it when you try" - like it was just a lack of effort/choice on my part rather than a complete inability

That says it all really. She thinks you have control over it, despite playing the supportive friend.

Do you have a plan to pace it? Build in some breaks, get lifts so you use less energy getting there etc? Don't let the badgering dissuade you from the regular rests which are key to making it work. No one is going to understand and offer them to you, and they won t appreciate you burning yourself out and ending up in bed for weeks.

It can be very effective to get a bit cross occasionally.

This is really good - I have fibromyalgia and like you OP been really bad since xmas, can see now my body slightly recovering. I am lucky some of my friends know others or have family with same illness so they understand. You dont look sick but you are. I have this with work go in to the office on day a week and look perfect ( its my mask) they dont see how the drive to the office, talkin to people is physically draining that i am close to falling asleep on the way home, cant talk and in so much pain when get home i go straight to bed
I dont like missing out of some things, i enjoy nights out so i do my best to try and attend make sure i rest before that day and take time after to rest - try to find a balance. I would try and be there for even one day, but thats me, i dont want to stop life participation
Send this message and hopefully she understands

thank you - exactly this. I would never leave the decision until the last minute if that would disadvantage anyone. And cancelling outright now would not make me feel better, I'd just feel terribly guilty and worry that would risk jeopardising another friendship. A few years ago I had to tell my cousin that I wouldn't be able to make her wedding well in advance of the day as I didn't want her to incur the cost if I couldn't attend (and I was similarly going through a bad patch then). That cousin hasn't spoken to me since 😢

Thank you - yes ME/CFS. Sorry you're going through it too. Truly unimaginable unless you've lived it. Thanks for the suggested wording - really helpful. I'm always careful not to sound like a real harbinger of doom but I think you're right sometimes we need to be more honest about how this affects us.

To be honest it's a fairly chilled hen (all mums in our 40s!) - brunch etc and air bnb / pj party in the evening. So if I am having a better day most of it should be manageable.

The wedding is abroad and I'm not actually invited to that (just the uk celebration afterwards, in June), so no real concerns there.

I don't think your friend is unreasonable and all - she is excited about her event and trying to keep you included because you're her friend.

If there's non-refundable money to be paid for the hen-do then you will need to cover any financial loss if you can't make it. Otherwise, you should back out early in order to avoid financial loss.

You could promise her a special meal out just the 2 of you when you're feeling better to make it up to her.

I would want to let her know that I absolutely want to come and it would mean the world to me, so please don’t think if I don’t attend it is because I didn’t want to or I’m being flaky, as you know my health has been really bad lately but I am still hoping and praying I will be well enough to attend.

I think she is genuinely dim and pretty awful to put pressure on you when you are clearly under enough pressure.
Send a firm clear message.
The truth is that your priority is your health, particularly if you have children, not to exacerbate symptoms.

I have an autoimmune disease and it has meant that I go through periods where I will commit to nothing.
Backing out last minute is not something i feel comfortable with so I sm honestvand just say No.
My friends are very understanding and I will often just cknfirm for casual meet ups, on the day if in a flare up window.

Its life. Good friends will understand.
Take care.

This message is really good but I would replace the last couple of sentences with something more positive. Instead of 'Obviously . . . ' I'd go with what you put in your OP. "There's nothing more that I would like than . . . " Leave her in no doubt that you would love to be there, but perhaps add that 'It's not just a case of mind over matter with this wretched illness. I'll be there if I can, but won't know until the day how my body is behaving. Please don't keep texting! I know you want me to be there and I will be if I possibly can . . .'

Sending best wishes. We have a family member and a close friend with ME/CFS. It's tough but you have to look after yourself first and foremost.

I would bow out gracefully now as she may be able to ask someone else or need numbers for something.

This happened to friends recently, not a hen but a big function akin to a wedding, the ill friend kept on saying to the host friend that she hoped to come literally up until the last minute - which meant host friend had to foot the bill for her no-show (prob around the 80 quid mark). There’s more to it than this but it’s irrelevant to the post.

I could see both sides tbh - if you’re ill, you’re ill. I’ve had to miss a couple of big things due to a chronic illness flaring up on the day leaving me bed bound, but ordinarily I would’ve been fine to go ie, j didn’t know til that day and felt really bad letting down my friend. My friend was great about it cos they knew I always make things ordinarily.

I disagree with not ever attending events in case you don’t feel able too… but I would expect good friends to understand that I might have to bail on the day if needed.

It’s absolutely not the same thing as this was temporary but when I went through months of severe pregnancy sickness I explained to friends that I’d love to come, will pay etc but I might have to pull out on the day if I am very unwell. Good friends get that.

”Hi X, I’m so excited for you too! What a lovely year with you getting married, hen do and UK celebrations in June. Unfortunately due to my chronic illness although I do plan to come and desperately want to celebrate with you at the hen, I have to see how I am which could possibly mean pulling out the day or the day before. I understand this isn’t ideal but it’s the only thing I can suggest and wanted to be completely honest as your best friend. I’m struggling to leave the house at the moment and it’s been 3 months of utter hell. Hope you understand? But let’s say for now I’m coming!”

These events usually need numbers for booking though don’t they. So you need to make a decision I think. People just want to be happy about their wedding and it takes over your life. Giving out endless sympathy is probably not on her agenda at the moment. It’s what it is. Bow out gracefully.

She doesn’t truly understand , people who don’t have chronic illness don’t understand as much as they might try to. There’s no point getting annoyed that someone doesn’t understand or you’ll be annoyed at everyone. People will accept that you won’t be at things, or will cancel etc but that’s not understanding, that’s why she said what she did because she has no comprehension of how it affects a person and thinks you can just push through it

It is actually.

When you're chronically ill, maintain friendships is hard. I have MEcfs. I don't want to arrange to do things and then cancel and let people down. I don't want to say no either and never see anyone. Even family events are very difficult and I didn't know if I could a wedding until the day before.

Even then, it takes great strength to put yourself first physically and say no.

It really is very hard.

@Cherry346 In this instance, I wouldn't go. In my experience, all relationships have had to change since I got ill. My friends have been wonderful mostly. Family and one or two others, a bit difficult at times. You can't allow yourself to be guilt tripped if the consequence of you pushing yourself are severe.