Hen do pressure when chronically ill

[Cherry346]

Long story short - I'm due to attend a friend's hen do shortly. I've had a very debilitating chronic illness for 5 years having previously been very fit / active / sociable. I've been in a bad relapse since Christmas and have barely left the house, it's been extremely tough mentally and physically particularly with young children. In the weeks leading up to the hen do I've had numerous messages from the bride saying " I will be gutted if you can't make it", "you have to make my hen" etc etc and in the days leading up to it random (and, I feel, slightly loaded) texts saying "so excited for the hen". The reality is I probably can't make a decision until the actual day as it's just so unpredictable. This won't affect anyone else as I've paid upfront and will accept I'll lose the money if I can't go. I just feel these constant messages and "guilt trips" are adding to the pressure and, tbh, are unfair. I wish more than anything I could look forward to a much needed girls' weekend and guarantee my attendance but that just isn't possible with this condition which can leave me unable to shower for weeks on end. Am I being unreasonable to think perhaps a bit more compassion should be shown here?

So on that basis, people with chronic, fluctuating illnesses should say "no" to everything in case they can't make it on the day? People without chronic illnesses may still have to cancel last minute through acute illness, kids being unwell etc. I think it is quite heartless to suggest we should just decline any invitation to events to avoid "leaving people hanging". None of us want or choose to live like this.

I’d say they don’t really understand your illness.

Perhaps the messages are meant to say, they actually want you to be there (like you also presumably want to be there) and want you to be well enough to enjoy it. Or maybe they think you could attend but might not bother/ make the effort (so a lack of understanding on their part).

Yes I have tried to explain but it's difficult unless they see me live through it. Of course they only see me on the "good" days so I understand it's hard for them to appreciate the grim realities of the bad days. I guess I'm just frustrated as underneath it all I'm still the outgoing party girl I used to be, just with a body that doesn't cooperate :-/

They're direct to me

I am not saying you're choosing to live like that.

People cancelling on the last minute due to children being ill or because of an emergency is different.

Even if you think it is heartless, it isn't. You say you haven't left the house since Christmas, so just be honest with yourself and them. Are you really going to manage a full weekend, which will probably be quite full on? No you're not.

Maybe I am looking at it too simply!

But you say you’ve had a bad relapse and barely been out since Christmas and the hen do is coming up soon - it’s very unlikely that you’re going to make it.

Its causing you stress/anxiety which will be completely removed once you say no.

It would be different if it’s not until next year then of course you wouldn’t make a definitive decision but you say your illness has been particularly bad and that you’re really struggling right now.

So say it’s a definite no and if you do feel better on the day then you can ask if it’s still ok to attend.

She might be hoping that enthusiasm and love will get you through and make you feel better / people don’t always know how to respond to chronic illness and different people also like different responses and approaches

Yes I think you are. My friends mean a lot to me and I always live in hope and agree to attend events and have every intention of going. I have barely left the house since Christmas but there are days when I am more functional often without rhyme or reason. I can't predict whether the hen do will be one of those days. Really not sure how someone not attending due to acute illness/kids is any different - it's the exact same outcome for the bride and, just like with chronic illness flares, cannot be helped.

No you are completely correct.

OP has said she has barely been able to shower or leave the house.

The friend messaging her is upsetting her/causing her anxiety and it would be better all round for OP to admit to herself that she is not feeling up to it and to say no.

Her place has been booked and paid for so if she does feel up to it on the day I’m sure she can still attend or just meet up for a couple of hours.

I feel for you op. It's awful living with fluctuation and uncertainty and a condition people don't understand

You can think what you like.

You say you have barely been out since Christmas, yet you think you're going to manage a full weekend, a hen weekend, which will probably be full on.

It isn't a day, its a weekend.

Surely worrying about going is causing you distress, therefore, make a decision. You will feel better for it.

I’m sorry OP. It’s such a hard way to live. I’ve had long covid for four years and it’s like some people still think it’s mind over matter - as though I just decided to randomly jack all the things I loved in, all the things that made me me. They don’t see the planning, the pacing, the sacrificing of the most basic daily tasks to make it more likely you can attend something, nor how bedbound you’ll be in the days that follow.
It’s like trying to convince a parent to buy their kid a nice birthday present when that parent is already trying to move heaven and earth to buy bread or pasta. I really feel for you.

duplicate

You can think what you like.

Yeah... she can because it's her body.

She obviously thinks there's a chance she might make it and no-one is being disadvantaged by her not making a decision now. Your insistence that she should decide she can't go now is frankly weird.

ME/CFS by any chance or some other invisible illness? I have ME/CFS and like you and PP, I used to be extremely fit and active. I have also found that my friendships have changed - some people who I thought were good friends, turned out not to be and others who were really just acquaintances have become closer.

I have always thought that because my symptoms are invisible and I look incredibly well that people struggle to understand or even believe how unwell I feel. There is a disconnect because I look so well. When I was in a particularly bad and long relapse (7 months!) I ended up needing crutches due to awful dizziness and it was remarkable how much more seriously people took me. I even used the crutches a bit longer than I strictly needed to becsause people were much more considerate.

I honestly think you need to send your friend a very clear and firm message:

Dear Friend, I really want to come to your hen but I need to you to understand that I am currently experiencing a severe relapse of my illness and unless that has lifted, I will not be able to come. In fact, if do come while I am in the relapse, I risk making the symptoms worse or lengthening the relapse. This a serious illness and it is vital I follow the advice my doctors have given me. Obviously it is entirely possible that I will have improved enough to come to the hen but I might not even know until the day. I know this is disappointing but I hope you understand.

“Really not sure how someone not attending due to acute illness/kids is any different“ it is different OP.

Someone randomly waking up projectile vomiting or childcare cancelling on the morning of the hen is unfortunate but totally unpredictable. You have a long term condition and have barely left the house since Christmas by your own admission and so you know the chances are not great surely.

Just say now very firmly that you cannot commit until the day and that no amount of pressure will change that

I told a friend in no uncertain terms that I wouldn’t be going to a celebration of someone we both knew from school with whom she’d kept in touch but I hadn’t. I’m not going. It isn’t for me. Wild horses etc. Fast forward a week and she’s passing on messages from the ex school friend. She knew I had been suffering with some (at the time) unresolved menopause/urine issues yet she still badgered me. I won’t forget that.

I had long covid and can honestly say I struggled to know day to day how I would feel, some days enormous headaches , some chronic buzzing in nerves, very frightening. I do think most friends struggle to understand the eraticness of some chronic conditions because it can be one day you seem reasonably ok, and then the next you aren’t - I have a friend with secondary progressive MS and she is the same, one week she can be at gigs twice a week, then using sticks/wheelchairs for a few weeks .she is reluctant to turn things down because she feels she will stop being asked, so I’m not sure what the answer is

The OP was referring to a comment I made.

OP I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I so have a chronic illness though a less debilitating one and it's rubbish. I agree with you that if you can't go it's no different to anyone else that needs to pull out last minute. Especially as you have already thought ahead and know that you're not needed for numbers and that no-one else will be out of pocket. I also don't think some posters understand how difficult it is when you really want to do something and have that hope that your body might not let you down that day and you get to do something normal for once. It's particularly difficult in the earlier stages of an illness when you're still adjusting and grieving for what you used to be able to do. A lot of people struggle to understand chronic illness until they've experienced it themselves or in someone close to them.

Have you thought about ways you might join part of the weekend? I'm thinking if you feel well enough to eg join for a meal, or a morning, or an afternoon? Or going for day time activities but to rest in the evening? I often do this. I hope you manage to make some / all of the weekend. If not, be kind to yourself as I'm sure you'll be gutted. And I hope your friend understands.

You need to state your position.

I will not make it to your hen due to ongoing health issues.

You don’t need to apologise or explain yourself.

If she brings it up again, refer her back to your previous note.

She doesn't know the level of chronic illness you are living with. I think you are sensitive as this is your life and reading too much into her messages.

You say she's supportive.

She's messaging you directly as she's really excited about her hen and wants you there.

Hopefully you'll be well enough to take part, even if only for part of it.

Try not to overthink it.

You clearly have NO IDEA about living with a chronic illness @IwishIcouldconfess.
perhaps you should take the time to read up before commenting. I have a friend with one. She is high functioning with a very successful business. She loves day to day. I’d hate her to say no to everything. We support her and understand that she lives with the HOPE of being able to have a “normal” day. Please show some compassion.

OP YANBU at all. I hope you can go because you are well enough to.

*lives day to day