Hen do pressure when chronically ill

[Cherry346]

Long story short - I'm due to attend a friend's hen do shortly. I've had a very debilitating chronic illness for 5 years having previously been very fit / active / sociable. I've been in a bad relapse since Christmas and have barely left the house, it's been extremely tough mentally and physically particularly with young children. In the weeks leading up to the hen do I've had numerous messages from the bride saying " I will be gutted if you can't make it", "you have to make my hen" etc etc and in the days leading up to it random (and, I feel, slightly loaded) texts saying "so excited for the hen". The reality is I probably can't make a decision until the actual day as it's just so unpredictable. This won't affect anyone else as I've paid upfront and will accept I'll lose the money if I can't go. I just feel these constant messages and "guilt trips" are adding to the pressure and, tbh, are unfair. I wish more than anything I could look forward to a much needed girls' weekend and guarantee my attendance but that just isn't possible with this condition which can leave me unable to shower for weeks on end. Am I being unreasonable to think perhaps a bit more compassion should be shown here?

So tell her that… she wants you to know you’re wanted. You feel that she’s pressuring you in a way you can’t handle because your illness isn’t predictable or bearable.

So tell her. She’s your friend. Communicate.

Because with chronic illness, especially unpredictable & fluctuating ones, a person may be able to join in with some of the event if not all of it.

Believe me, its a pretty bleak existence and ME is one of the bleakest, its as essential for a person's mental health and quality of life to find a safe way to participate as it is to prioritise rest & recovery.

She doesn't necessarily have to do a full weekend, participating in everything, but right now she's trying to balance being able to participate a little, in a manageable way, than not at all.

For ME patients, hope is incredibly important. Don't be so quick to encourage the op to narrow her world even further, just because it seems the most logical solution to you.

Thank you for this very sensible message- everything you said hit the nail on the head. Like you say if I said no to everything my world would be even smaller than it is now, and my life even less tolerable. Friends are important to me and if I can make things I will.

its so hard aint it OP - this is the one thing that really upsets me with chronic illness. I love going out, love catching up with friends, having cocktails and wine or even just lunch. You can go one day and be fine then do the exact same and you have a flare up that takes ages to recover from.
We do our very best each day

@Cherry346 do not, in the slightest, feel guilty.

You have a chronic illness.

Your "actual" real-life friends would completely empathise, without pressurising.

Take this as a learning opportunity to redefine what being a friend means, to you.

This person does not present herself as a true friend and when you've also said "the wedding is abroad and I'm not actually invited to that"

I would say to you, jeopardise away, and worry not, this really is not what friendship looks like, is it?

I think if you’ve got an activity or some such booked and are likely to bail on the last moment meaning everyone’s else pays more then I think it’s fair enough. Ditto if there’s limited numbers and you’re holding a space but unlikely to attend.

No I do agree, although tbf the wedding abroad is very small and really just for close family other than bridesmaids and groomsmen so I didn't expect to be invited to that. Just wish I could look forward to these events - and attend without consequence!

You can’t rely on a person with a chronic illness for numbers. I’m sorry but that’s a ‘them’ problem. A true friend would understand that. OP won’t know if she’s well enough to attend until the time. There’s nothing she can do to change that, other than pull out now (which might end up being the wrong decision).

OP, you do what’s right for you. I’m in a similar boat. I’ve gradually become more ill over the past few years. I’m now in a wheelchair. My bf recently got the hump with me when she discovered I’m on PIP. She said it was unfair because she has health problems too (though a different condition) though she works full-time and I’m mostly bedridden. She’s always asking me to do things that I’ve been incapable of doing for years. It’s like she’s just blind to it. Sometimes people see what they want to see and they need things spelling out.

@Nevermind17

"My bf recently got the hump with me when she discovered I’m on PIP"

best friend? with that sort of churlishness, in what universe?

Sorry to be blunt, but this person isn't a friend she's a bully. Tell he you can't make the hen do and cut all further contact.

It’s not about understanding. It’s about money! Hen dos can cost a lot. Of course the bride and her organisers cannot be paying up for people who don’t come. Why not be honest now and say you cannot make it. If they are able to be flexible, great, but don’t expect it.

Fuck’s sake, can some people not read? The OP has said very clearly that she won’t disadvantage anyone if she doesn’t go and doesn’t let people know until the last minute; there are no numbers to make up or costs that will be lost.
The ‘friend’ behaving very badly, and she obviously has form for it, going by her previous comment about how the OP ‘can do it if she tries’
I’d send the message that someone else suggests, and then if she doesn’t respond positively I would basically give up on her as a friend.

ok, wrt to more intimate ceremony abroad, fair enough.

"Just wish I could look forward to these events - and attend without consequence!"

Your "friend" is holding you accountable for something, totally outwith your control though @Cherry346

How do you reconcile, within yourself, accepting such contemptuous behaviour from her?

I feel for you OP as I have CF as part of my autoimmune disorders (psoriatic arthritis and fibromyalgia), and constantly feel I’m letting people down as I cancel (like today!) I literally dropped my child to college in the car and flaked out for 4 hours! It’s poxy too that you don’t feel refreshed as such after the sleep. It sounds like it may be a good option though as at least they’re in an air bnb and pyjama party sounds like fun you can easily drop in and out of. I hope you’re able to make it and get some fun, I rarely go out either, but when I do it’s great, albeit I usually pay for it with pain and fatigue

If I was your friend reading your messages I would feel so upset reading them that I hadn't been more sensitive to how your illness affects you, so I would want to know.

If she knows and and still persists with the guilt trip messages then she isn't a good friend x

I hate to say it but this friend won’t be in your life much longer. My ‘best’ friend started this shit when my chronic illness started to impact my ability to socialise. We’d been friends for 30 years. She guilt tripped me, made me feel like a terrible friend for letting her down and then dumped me, said we’d grown apart. It devastated me but don’t need selfish people like that in your life.

Try not to let it get to you. Life with chronic illness is brutal, you have my sympathy.

Few people can truly understand the debilitating effects of chronic illnesses. Some people are sympathetic. And then some people don’t even make the effort to care.

Unfortunately, it seems that your friend is one of the more selfish. At least over her wedding. Weddings do send some people a bit crazy so maybe she’s caught up in her bridal bubble! You’re unlikely to get through to her while she’s like this, so you need to change how to react in this situation.

If you had 2 broken legs you wouldn’t feel so guilty about not being able to go, would you. So, don’t beat yourself up here.

I have chronic illnesses, too. When I have to cancel on someone, usually at the last minute, I tell them that I’m sad to mess them about and that I’m very sorry. And that I hope they won’t give up on me! I don’t feel the kind of guilt you’re experiencing, though. I can’t help my body letting me down, after all. And neither can you.

There have been a few times I've questioned whether she truly understands (for example when I made it out for a few drinks one Saturday afternoon she said "see- you can do it when you try" - like it was just a lack of effort/choice on my part rather than a complete inability). It's comments like the latter which really hurt as if there's any way I can humanly make something, I will! I'm sure it isn't meant in a hurtful way though.

I think that's an incredibly shitty thing for her to have said and it's made me really angry on your behalf!

I think you would be wise to be a lot firmer with her or she can, frankly, get lost.

If you’ve not left the house for months it’s unlikely you’ll be fit for this surely. Doesn’t sound like painkillers and Diet Coke will get you through it. Do the right thing and tell your friend now that you won’t be there.

It's not about money at all. OP is happy to pay her share either way.

What would be the better option for you? If you're feeling pressurised for this event maybe you should say to her "assume I am not going, but if things change and I feel up to it on the day, I will go."
I wouldn't like the pressure (or her previous assumption that it's a matter of willpower alone) and it might even make me feel worse. I might just say count me out for this as I'm in the middle of a flare up.
You don't need people pecking your head right now. Hen dos can be very wearing too.

Yanbu. This is just one of the many things people who haven't experienced this will never understand

It's nothing to do with money. I've paid for everything in advance and accept that I'll lose it all if I don't attend. Also no one else will be disadvantaged or have to pay more as a result of me not going. If they were I would reimburse them.

Thank you - yes, I've already paid in full for the hen and I know I'll lose that if I can't go. It isn't about money.

Thank you. I normally send messages along those lines too, but i almost feel here like those messages are being pre empted with the things she's saying to me. Thank you for understanding 🙂