Found out DD isn’t actually at university anymore

[UniversityProblems]

Posted here for traffic.
In shock.

DD20 went to Uni Sept 2023. She started in foundation year because she didn't have the required grade in two of her A levels.
She failed the first year at university as she did not complete all her modules and had to repeat the year. In the repeat year, she completed 3 out of her 4 modules. unbeknowst to me). The university let her go. I was totally unaware of this.

Everytime she was asked, she was very positive and I thought all was well. She never had any complaints and chatted happily about uni and uni life.
She went back to school in September (5 months ago) like everything is normal. This week, I found out that she was not actually a student anymore and I went down to find out what was going on. When I saw her my heart broke, it was true. She was in her rented shared accommodation, not really doing anything and she was so thin. She was short of money and had lost significant weight. I brought her home.

She is not talking about what happened, why she didn't tell me what was going on. I really don't have any idea how it all occured and how she was dropped from university.

What can I do to help her? Is it worth having a chat with the university? From experience, would anyone know if there are any other options for her at the university?
Anyone been through similar with their DC?

We experienced a similar scenario with our daughter. The unique circumstance was that we had to bring her home at the midpoint of her third year. It was the most optimal decision we could have made at that juncture and I am eternally grateful for it.

The pressure to succeed in university can be more pronounced for some individuals. Perhaps university life is not the ideal choice for your daughter. Nonetheless, you now have her at home. Provide her with some time to contemplate different avenues ahead. She is just going down another path. But at least she is safe. If there is anything to tell, she will in her own time. Good luck

Priorities your daughter's health and wellbeing. Love her back to health the best way you can (with professional help if needed) and then you can gradually, gently, support her with her career choice.
She needs you right now.

@UniversityProblems Can relate. Whatever academic path DD wants to take, if your home life is stable, I strongly advise you let her live at home but suggest that if DD is unsure of what she wants to do in terms of a career, DD could, for example get a temporary job (could be part-time if health is poor until well again) or if determined about a specific career, she will time to get her health back on track at home and write out exactly what she needs to do to get into the career she really wants. If DD's self-esteem and confidence have deteriorated with her physical health, I strongly advise you let her live at home and focus on that otherwise you could both find yourselves climbing Mount Everest (as oppose to an easier mountain) in the long-term. I lost many years of what should have been the happiest years of my life... please don't make the same mistake.

It will all work out she is so young

Thank-you.
It will.

She is starting to talk, smile and open up. At the moment, she's so full of remorse for hiding what was happening. She's now so tearful all the time..she's so upset with herself for pretending.
And today when I hugged her and told her I am genuinely happy she is home, she just cried.

She must have been feeling so trapped by the pretence for months and worrying about what would happen when it finally came out. She is now overcome with relief that she isn’t pretending any more and feeling grateful you are still there for her. No wonder she is emotional - what an ordeal for such a young adult.

Well done for handling it so well. She has learnt that no matter what her mistake, she can turn to you. You've dealt with this without anger and judgement and she won't forget that.

Why are those two things the only possible options? Poor relationship or ND? There are literally tens of reasons and no doubt there is more than one to explain why the DD has dropped out of Uni.

Yes but these are the two reasons that popped into my mind. I can prefix it with “there are literally 10.000 reasons but these are what I think…” if you’d like?

That's not what you said though and even if you did preface (not prefix) your views, it still wouldn't make any sense to choose those two as the stand out reasons.

Yeah I agree. It seems some type of avoidance is at play here. To continue as if what happened didn't by going about their life like normal.
For that to happen it maybe something that shook them.

@UniversityProblems have you found out more about the financial situation?

I heard back from the university today. They will like to meet with us. So that needs to be arranged. I had emailed her personal tutor and Head of foundation year. They were both really lovely and supportive.

We all went on a surprise visit to one of my sister's yesterevening, one of my brothers was already there visiting- all the cousins were together and full of laughter & chat. She was part of it.

So with that in mind (as per she's in a good place), her starting to open up and my hearing back from the university today, I plan on having a chat with her tonight.

@sittingonabeach , i want to say thank-you for all your helpful posts and genuine concern & desire to help. I appreciate it.

Have you considered autism too? It’s very common in eating disorders and adhd

I wanted to come back and update everyone, because of the amazing support I received on here and have followed the wonderful advice and suggestions from posters.
Also, just in case this is helpful to anyone else.

I will start with DD, she is waiting on an appointment date for ASD assessment (i am sure she has it, tbh.. i don't know how & what made me not follow-up on my suspicions 🤦‍♀️!). DD has been very proactive job-hunting and is attending interviews. She is sleeping better, is more relaxed and that tenseness around her eyes is easing off. She is eager to go back to Uni but is content to work for a year or so & get her assessment done before pursuing Uni. In the meantime, she has signed up for some online courses. Home seems more colourful, more full, more lively with her here.

Re: discussion with the University. It was a very helpful, very enlightening discussion. Quite supportive. They explained they can't give her isolated credits for the modules she did, as her foundation course was intergrated. But they will give her a positive reference. It turns out she didn't do all her modules but the modules she did, she did very well.

The chat with the university helped clarify what went on. It was very much worth having. Because now we can plan for the future with knowledge and address possible weak spots.

Thank-you, everyone.

Glad to hear things are much brighter Op.

Good update, I’m glad she’s doing well.

So what actually happened to make her stop going? It doesn’t sound like she was struggling with the work. Only if you want to share of course - I only ask because I want to prevent this happening to my dd.

A lovely update. Well done to you all xx

Your daughter should find out what credits/transcripts she can transfer to another institution (if she wants to do that later). She might be able to do an evening module with someone like the Open University and get a complete first year out of it. Then, later, she could go back in with some progress already banked. Quite a lot of students change direction after first year, so she wouldn't be alone in that regard.

I’m so glad everything is settling down - I’ve been thinking of you all x

University isn't for everyone, doesn't have to be one specific thing. I dropped out of uni (I commented earlier in the thread) and I specifically didnt want to talk to my parents about it as I felt they would try to persuade me to stay and I hated it. I could cope with work etc, I just didnt fit well in a formal academic setting. there were no apprenticeships like there are today when I was at uni, but that would have been much better for me. i eventually got my degree while being sponsored through work. I need structure! I am now a CPO in a large organisation earning well, so it was all fine. I would just encourage parents to try to be open and encourage early discussions, but dont be set on one course.

Don’t dismiss an eating disorder. Dd, who had a shocking time at uni, has just been diagnosed and it was a huge shock to her (and us). In her case it is anxiety related and she’s had it for 3 years, unbeknown to us.

One of mine quit/got chucked out of uni. A few years ago now - before mental health was really in the public domain.

We found out after the event. Uni will discuss little with you as she's over 18.

18/19 - technically an adult and yet still a child - not all are ready to jump into the world of uni, adult life, living away etc etc.

For many, be they students, parents, schools, society, then every 18yo needs to go to uni. But in reality not all do. Some need a year or two before hand, some need a job, some need other training, courses, apprenticeships.

So carefully pick up the pieces, don't question too much/intensively. Get her back to a place of relative comfort and come up with an introduction to adult live v2.0

Sod any of your friends who ask pointed questions/make comments/judgements etc.

For the record ours is ok. Doing well. It'd have been hard for him to get where he is without uni even though he never finished it. (several y2s!)

All the best.

I'm so glad that it sounds like you have a way forward, OP. Best of luck to your DD, and to you.. Thank you for the update.