Found out DD isn’t actually at university anymore

[UniversityProblems]

Posted here for traffic.
In shock.

DD20 went to Uni Sept 2023. She started in foundation year because she didn't have the required grade in two of her A levels.
She failed the first year at university as she did not complete all her modules and had to repeat the year. In the repeat year, she completed 3 out of her 4 modules. unbeknowst to me). The university let her go. I was totally unaware of this.

Everytime she was asked, she was very positive and I thought all was well. She never had any complaints and chatted happily about uni and uni life.
She went back to school in September (5 months ago) like everything is normal. This week, I found out that she was not actually a student anymore and I went down to find out what was going on. When I saw her my heart broke, it was true. She was in her rented shared accommodation, not really doing anything and she was so thin. She was short of money and had lost significant weight. I brought her home.

She is not talking about what happened, why she didn't tell me what was going on. I really don't have any idea how it all occured and how she was dropped from university.

What can I do to help her? Is it worth having a chat with the university? From experience, would anyone know if there are any other options for her at the university?
Anyone been through similar with their DC?

Just to add, the whole “no money and spacing out her meals” would not be a convincing line of argument for me without seeing totally normal eating behaviour once back at home.

Thank-you, @domenica1 .Re: ED and ASD, that's true.
But DD does not have an eating disorder.

Has she paid rent for the whole year? I assume her contract goes to June/July @UniversityProblems

I think you need to understand that it’s obvious Uni is not for her. University is not the be all and end all of life. I know so many young people who have gone there because it was expected of them. They end up in debt with no possibility of getting a job in the field they studied.

And that would help how?

The DD is obviously vulnerable and needs support not anger.

I’ve also done all that. I travelled the world solo in my early 20’s.
As long as you’re happy, that’s all that matters.

Sounds similar to our daughter, although she packed it in after about 6 months, and she didn’t try to hide it. For me, I think, that would be the most troubling, that she felt like she couldn’t approach you, you guys should maybe work on that. Good luck, pretty sure everything will works itself out in the future.

Poor girl. It's good you found out when you did and can help her. Friends of mine only found out the night before his graduation from a prestigious Ivy League college that their son had dropped out ( or been dropped) eighteen months previously. Their older daughter, who had flown across the country with them to attend the graduation became suspicious and made him confess. He seemed to have been prepared to allow them to attend the graduation and discover the truth there which would have been horrible. It was a devastating shock and hughly distressing for everyone but I can't begin to imagine what that poor boy went through.

I’m so sorry you and DD are going through this. My experience is different but I recognise the pain and blame in your postings.
I had a situation with DD1 when she was trying to sort out her year abroad, quite essential as she was doing JH with modern languages.
it was the first year of no arasmus.
she sorted out a uni place abroad but couldn’t face all the paper work and visa applications etc.
her mental health was always good, as far as I could see.
but this tipped her over the edge.
it turned out it was one snowflake that just turned into an avalanche and she finally admitted during the summer holidays, weeks before I though she was due to leave, that she broke down and told me she’d lost her placement.
I was so bereft that I’d let her down.
not seeing the signs.
Once it all came pouring out the relief was palpable in her.
within a week she was onto her home uni taking control and got special dispensation to skip her year abroad, found very last minute accommodation and sorted out her SF.
I’m not saying this to say your DD can salvage her current education, but to say that those months when she was ready to face it all she handled it so well.
she realised she was actually far stronger than she ever though and learnt so many lessons about resilience and ‘failure’.
I honestly couldn’t have been prouder of her.
Things worked out how they should have done in the end.
im sure your DD will end up in the position she was always destined to.
Being a mum is hard, it doesn’t stop.
you are doing all the right things.
But as others have said, look after yourself too

You are right, its hard to pick. UK is far ahead of where I am so not only did I struggle but students still must struggle nowadays as ND in adults is not diagnosed in adult here. Hard enough to get help for children who are visibly struggling.
Wishing your daughter to find the right path for her! She is lucky to have a mum like you.

My middle daughter also struggling at uni and has struggled since she was 15. She is very academically smart and is on a competitive course at a big university.
Emotionally she is about 14. Has struggled anorexia and adhd.

recently came home - thin, very behind in course and we have tried to help her get up to speed.

she is a frozen state - anxious about course, distracting herself with computer games, feeling unable to go out an enjoy.

you are not alone and I completely understand x

hopefully you can get a plan to move forward

x

she probably didn’t tell you due to shame - very human and understandable

I'm afraid I have no advice, but I think you that you're handling this perfectly.

I'm getting on in years now, mid-60's, but I still remember the devastation and shame I felt at letting my father down as a teen, and as a young adult. Like your daughter, I was extremely bright. I was always top of the class, loved learning and had my heart set on Oxbridge. Then I entered 6th form and everything went to hell in a hand cart. I didn't finish 6th form, didn't even get through the first year. Since then I've tried (and failed to finish) more degree, and other higher education courses (both bricks and mortar, and distance learning), than I care to admit. Not because I can't do the work, (I always get excellent marks), but because I cannot seem to cope with unstructured learning. I've only ever completed one higher education course, and that was only a year long course to start with, but my then husband also enrolled and I think having that anchor helped enormously. I've felt shame and disappointment in myself all my life because I couldn't do this one 'simple' thing. Then, in my early 60's I was diagnosed as autistic (and was told I probably also have inattentive ADHD, as well), and everything suddenly made perfect sense. I still feel disappointment, but it's not inwardly directed anymore. I'm just sad that I was born in an age where autism wasn't as well known as it is now, and at a time when 'autism in girls' was virtually unheard of! Had I known then, what I know now, I may well have been able to find the right support to enable me to cope with unstructured learning.

Reading your post made me so sad because your daughter sounds a lot like me (except she managed to get a bit further, so kudos to her for that!); She did really well in school (structured learning), she didn't do as well in 6th form (semi-structured learning), and couldn't cope at all with uni (unstructured learning). If, as you suspect, your daughter is also autistic, even acknowledging that, without a formal diagnosis (NHS adult autism and ADHD assessments are swamped at the moment, and many trusts have suspended their wait lists entirely, so for many it's an 'expensive, private route' option only, right now), but even without a formal diagnosis, the knowledge alone would be a massive help. Even in areas where you think she's doing ok or excelling, she may be struggling more than you think (we females are experts in masking), As an adult, help is scarce, even non-existent, in most areas, but FE and HE establishments have wonderful SEN support, and a formal diagnosis is not usually needed to access that support. Even if she decides not to go back into education, the knowledge could massively help her in any career she decides to pursue. I second the book recommendation made by a previous poster ('Aspergirls' , by Rudy Simone), and would add 'Odd Girl Out' by Laura James.

You're doing a brilliant job, and despite some posters telling you otherwise, you're being the exact sort of mother she needs; supportive and non-confrontational. Whatever she decides to do going forward, whichever route she goes down, having someone supportive at her back will be an enormous help. Despite my own craving for one, degrees aren't the be all and end all, and they don't guarantee a good career. As an example, my son hated school and decided he didn't want to go onto further education and so left school at 16, with quite poor exam results. I worried for him, even though he was never out of work, initially he seemed to have no focus or drive. Fast forward to now, and he's a very successful, management level, programmer/analyst, at a top international company, earning a 6 figure salary (and he's probably also autistic...), then there's my friends daughter who flew through uni and emerged the other side with a 1.1, and has since drifted from one dead end job to another, and currently working at Burger King at nearly 40,

Whatever your daughter decides she wants to do, I'm sure, with your loving support, she'll do fine. Good luck to you and your daughter!

This all sounds very difficult.

I do think counselling or therapy is a good idea. It may simply be adjusted to university hasn't been good but there may have been some trauma or difficult incident she didn't want to tell you about but which she might discuss with a therapist.

I sincerely hope you have no children or vulnerable adults that you have control over.

And thank you for starting a thread that has brought out what a common issue this is, and so many helpful responses. I was also that extremely bright child who simply couldn't cope with the combination of unstructured study and a first serious boyfriend who happily derailed all attempts to knuckle down. My distressed parents were nonetheless supportive and I ended up with a very successful TV career. Decades later I am surprised how much this thread has stirred up old feelings.

You've done that as in you received a university education?

It happens to quite a few kids. Your DD needs to know that she isn't alone at all.
One of my flatmates failed first year and then pretended he was going into lectures everyday in second year to both us and his gf. He didn't confess until nearly the end of the year.

An ex bf did the same thing- he came back for 2nd year but didn't bother matriculating. He told his parents at Easter. Though there weren't huge fees in those days- and that puts a lot more pressure on the young people.

Usually they are either just not ready for independent learning and life away from home or they hate their course. It's hard to find motivation if what you've chosen isn't for you. Once things start to go wrong it often feels impossible for them to fix it. They can get easily depressed or overwhelmed.
Most of my 'drop out' friends went back to university in a few years to do something they loved.

My DS is off to uni this year and I am drumming it into him if he hates univ life or the course or anything else he has to say because it's absolutely fine- everyone has to find their fit and you don't always get that at the first go.

It's not strange, I thought the same.

It's good she's home OP, you can coddle her for a bit until she's less fragile. Future plans can wait for a bit.

You can help her by letting her make what to you look like shameful mistakes. Don't try and control her life. Up to her to find the adult in her and contact Uni etc.
I somehow scraped thru Uni and then got in trouble with police when I started shoplifting big time, didn't pay my rent, didn't go to graduation and blamed it all on an MS diagnosis. Boyfriend had left. But would not accept help, no way was I going to be pampered by my Dad. And yes, Had eating problems too. Would not visit a therapist.

Your daughter doesn't sound half as bad as that! She probably feels ashamed, a let down, never wanted to go to Uni anyway.........and might be better to casually see if she will try a Counsellor or Therapist. She will have learnt some good and some bad over recent months and might appreciate help to process it.

Looks like several others have the same messages!

After a break, he completed a Science degree and then applied, and was accepted into the medical course again.
Today he's a Consultant Anaesthetist.
I believe that your daughter ( like my son) is too immature for uni and needs a break.

Someone close to me, one of the brightest people I know, did this. Not my child.

I won’t go into all the details but in case any of it resonates:

• Anxiety played a large part. As a child they could be supported through even though the signs of anxiety were there, especially surrounding exams. At university they couldn’t handle it.
• Motivation didn’t exist to do work they considered pointless. They also couldn’t take the competitive nature of it and I suspect no longer being a big fish in a small pond.
• They didn’t consider an alternative to uni ever because it just seemed like that was the default path and they should do the same as their peers. They thought they were expected to go by school and parents.
• With some support and time at home, they started working locally. This was the best decision they made. They worked incredibly hard during that time in a thankless role. Motivation was no issue anymore.
• They moved on to a company in an industry they love, working their way up and working very hard. It’s a smaller company and they get on well with everyone. They are happy. They found the right place for them in the end.

This is not a very helpful comment. (Sounds like, let’s blame the parent shall we)

I think it is good that YP is now at home and hopefully starting to feel safe. I have a YP who went to uni but dropped out and l think it’s traumatic for them.

Wow, I could related so much with your early life. My childhood was similar to yours and I had very critical parents and one being an addict (and in my case grandparents were critical and very involved too. I grew up in India).

It broke me much later when dealing with too much stress from work and family at the same day.

Op sounds like a really concerned mother. I am sure her support will help her dd tremendously.

A lot of what's happened with your daughter resonates with my own experience with A-levels and university. Somehow I managed to scrape through both, though nowhere near as well as I should have done. My parents still think it was because I was lazy. 18 year olds might well be adults, but that doesn't mean they're ready to be completely independent. I know I certainly wasn't.

University seems like it's not for now. And that's ok. I've learned so much being in the workforce, and I hope to return to university in September at the age of 40. I'm older and more confident, and I hope I will cope better than I did first time around.