Found out DD isn’t actually at university anymore

[UniversityProblems]

Posted here for traffic.
In shock.

DD20 went to Uni Sept 2023. She started in foundation year because she didn't have the required grade in two of her A levels.
She failed the first year at university as she did not complete all her modules and had to repeat the year. In the repeat year, she completed 3 out of her 4 modules. unbeknowst to me). The university let her go. I was totally unaware of this.

Everytime she was asked, she was very positive and I thought all was well. She never had any complaints and chatted happily about uni and uni life.
She went back to school in September (5 months ago) like everything is normal. This week, I found out that she was not actually a student anymore and I went down to find out what was going on. When I saw her my heart broke, it was true. She was in her rented shared accommodation, not really doing anything and she was so thin. She was short of money and had lost significant weight. I brought her home.

She is not talking about what happened, why she didn't tell me what was going on. I really don't have any idea how it all occured and how she was dropped from university.

What can I do to help her? Is it worth having a chat with the university? From experience, would anyone know if there are any other options for her at the university?
Anyone been through similar with their DC?

So glad your DD is beginning to open up. My DS has been home from uni over Easter . He is set to fail the year through non attendance but because Wellbeing were involved and he explained to his tutor in a full email what was and had been going on they haven’t been putting pressure on him.

He is a changed person from the one we saw at Christmas. I think because he was open and honest about what was happening he has been able to move forward and start dealing with his mental health. He didn’t take a leave of abscess because he would then be unable to access the online material for his course. He has been engaging with the online material. The uni publish all the lectures online so he’s been keeping up. It’s just the practical stuff he wasn’t able to attend.

We think we know our children but this part of their life can be difficult. The transition from teens to adult can be difficult when they are ND or they have a series of experiences that most people don’t get to experience until they are more mature.

DS arrived home and has spent his time sorting out all the jobs that I struggle with, lawn mowing being one of them. I didn’t need to ask or nag. He was up, most days, early and his sleep pattern is much healthier.

Most noticeable was that he was no longer irritable all the time. He discovered that his best friend, who is at the same uni but who hasn’t been around has been home going through a similar problem. He was in his final year (DS had a year out) but when he went back in September he had a big wobble. He had been embarrassed to say anything to DS and because they had t seen each other neither knew of the others problems.

I think it was a relief for both of them that they were not alone. DS is still thinking about what to do. It’s been encouraging talking to his friends who are aware of his problems and have been helping get back to “normal”. He had met a girl and is looking forward to maybe developing a relationship. He’s never been short of female company but had a couple of short term relationships that were difficult because of his state of mind. He spoke about it and confessed that since he wasn’t dealing with his own wellbeing he couldn’t really interact with someone else. This was obvious from his behaviour with DH and I. You could sense his continual underlying agitation.

I do seem to have my boy back who wants to chat and have a giggle. We have always had long entertaining conversations about rugby, tv series and life in general.

So much of me wants him to be sorted but since I’ve been having problems coming to terms with a shared bereavement I can’t expect him to be any different.

Hopefully they will let him retake the year. Finance is fortunately not an issue. He’s signed a house lease for next year so hopefully he is making his way back on track.

I am reminded of my youngest sisters journey at a similar age. Having seen her two older sisters blossom at uni and embrace higher education she failed her A levels and had to retake. At the time I was in my clinical years so rarely home. I didn’t see the mess she got herself into. She was ND although undiagnosed, she reset, retook her A levels and embarked on an 8 yr uni career emerging with a PhD and became a marine biologist. She had a wonderful life travelling the world visiting places most of us would never get the chance to see.

If she’d passed her A levels first time she may not have followed the same path. Things happen for a reason and we are here for a long time. Better to be doing something we want to do rather than doing what is expected.

My DSis changed career after having breast cancer at 34. She added another degree to her collection and ended up in her dream job lecturing in microbiology at Plymouth uni. She really learned that nothing was the end of the world. Sadly after being diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease she died recently of pancreatic cancer. She packed so much into her life and used her early failure as motivation throughout her life.

Hopefully your DD will accept that this is a blip. When they are bright we often forget to prepare them for failure because academia is so easy for them. When they fail, and many do, they are often surprised and are unable to ask for help. Your DD has hopefully learned that you will always support her regardless. The first step towards recovery is to admit to there being something wrong. Don't rush her it will all fall into place but not necessarily in the planned order.

OP, please please please DO NOT make a 3 year plan with your Daughter. This is the worst advice I've heard in a long time. She's obviously felt pressure to not let you down and that's why she felt she couldn't tell you. A 3 year plan is just going to make her feel under more pressure and the weight of expectations.

Uni obviously isn't for her. I spent many years doing a well paid, respected, professional but "square peg in a round hole job", and now I'm in my late 40s I bitterly regret not doing more jobs at 18 just to try them on for size, to see what I liked, and see which jobs fit me best. I really do think I'd advise someone in your Daughter's shoes (once she has licked her wounds and feels better about things) to do some agency jobs, some temping, unpaid work experience, and decide what she actually wants to be. If she starts working in a job she likes there's plenty of time for further training at any point in her career. A good employer would see her flare and enthusiasm and be happy to upskill her.

Life doesn't have to be decided in 3 years, and certainly not the 3 years from 18-21.

Me too and it was also what I wondered when I read the OP.

Whatever is going on she clearly needs you, I am glad you took her home.

OP there does seem to be a lot of.contracdictions in your perception.
You say "until yesterday I had a dd who was always top.of the class" but that hasn't been the case for a very long time.

She didn't get the required grades at A level, failed her first foundation year and then again the second foundation year attempt?

It seems like she actually struggles with academically quite deeply and that's ok.

I think alarm bells should have been ringing before even sending her to uni, unless there was some exceptional circumstances like illness that meant she underperformed in her A levels.

Then after yhe first foundation year, it should have been 'ok, well done for giving this your best shot. There are other paths to success, shall we look for a job or apprenticeship "?

It feels like you are possibly projecting unrealistic aspirations on your DD and she's tried to live up to them.

I have experience of this with a DC. Imagine it’s pretty common.

I view it as the scenic route. Who says you have to do every stage of life as expected. You can miss out if you plough on for the summit without a little wander through the forest and along the stream, admiring the views along the way.

And adults shouldn’t have to tell all to their parents. As long as they’re OK and not taking the piss.

Your DD sounds lovely and switched on, with a big loving family around her. That’s all that matters. The rest will fit into place. Hope she enjoys the scenic route 💐

🙄

You seem to feel very passionate about this.

Perhaps try to RTFT?

What a silly post in the context of.

I'm so pleased to read your update and that your DD is doing well. She's a lucky girl to have such a supportive mum and family.

FWIW I think it's really important to acknowledge and affirm that it's possible to be an intelligent person but not necessarily suited to academia.

I was offered places at uni as a teen but didn't go due to lack of family support, which I regretted and resented for decades. I eventually signed up for Open University in my late forties...and dropped out 18 months later as I absolutely loathed the constraints of academic writing (trained as a journalist and wrote as a hobby which is a very different style!). I was also diagnosed with ADHD during my first year.

I spent so long thinking I had to get a degree to prove myself but have realised that whilst I love to learn I definitely don't enjoy writing essays about it! I'm now back to spending my spare time crafting and writing stories 😊.

Wishing your lovely DD all the best for the future wherever her path leads her.

I've not read all of the other posts but it sounds like Uni wasn't for her. And I'm going to be a little firmer than I'd like in some ways as I can read that your heart is broken, perhaps university was always a bad idea if she needed to do a foundation year, then failed it. I think there were two opportunities there to say "perhaps this isn't for her", firstly after her A Levels and then after she failed her foundation year.

But sometimes we all do this. We have a dream for the future and don't stop to reassess it when information changes. But it has. And, again, I'm sorry if this is hard, but perhaps it was your dream more than it was hers.

The important thing now is she's home and she's safe. This must have been a huge knock to her confidence though and she's probably feeling a mixture of shame and beating herself up.

My niece went through a similar experience. She quit uni after 2 years and my sibling found out later she'd not been attending lectures. Later, she was diagnosed with autism which I think was a contributory factor. Not saying that's the case for your daughter but it's something we all missed and I feel incredible guilt for encouraging her to go. It wasn't for her. But now she's got a job she loves and is thriving.

Perhaps one suggestion is to seek some therapy for her. Someone she can talk to that's not you. It will probably cost you some money but you can see how she is and that even her weight is a worry. It's money well spend. I've done this for myself before when I've needed it and use the BACP therapist register as then you know the person is trained and part of a professional body: | BACP

It's worth trying your NHS and you can self refer in some areas but honestly I'd recommend paying as the waits are long and support often limited.

Good luck with the future. And focus on the fact she's now home and safe.

She might just need time.

Sometimes young people need a few years before they’re ready to do uni.

just because she’s dropping out now doesn’t mean she’s never going to be able to do it- or want to do it.

why not suggest a year out, getting a job and living at home/ saving for travel?

she could maybe restart a new course in a new direction once she’s a little bit older?

Apologies, caught up on your replies that you'd not known she'd failed the foundation year and that she'd got good A-levels. Makes more sense.

I had someone work for me once where I also worked for his Dad. They barely talked. Turned out (I found out later) that his Dad turned up to his uni graduation to find junior didn't graduate as he'd dropped out the previous year and never told him.

I suspect this happens more often than you think.

Good luck.

OP, others have shared helpful supportive and practical posts nd I don't think I can add meaningfully to that.

But I am rooting for you and your dd.

What a situation to find yourselves in.

Wishing you and her happiness and success.

This exactly and the Uni wouldn’t talk to you anyway as she is over 18.

It sounds like Uni course was either too difficult for her academically, or she struggled with motivation and or wasn’t on the right course. Look after her get her well and then maybe she could look at an apprenticeship or a job.

I don't understand quarrelsome posters like you. You are having a go at someone who has laid bare her deeply difficult and complex family situation and she was entitled to contradict your baseless assumption. She did so in a pleasant and fair manner yet you sound harsh and judgmental and unkind.

Really it is posts like these that make it hard to open up on Mn.

I have a story of a young man who went to dental school. Parents wanted him to go I think. He was never quite up to it academically (had lots of help at home and went to a super supportive small private school too). Failed first year at dentistry, failed again. Somehow did a total of three years with no result to show.
Came home, depressed. But eventually found his footing as a gardener and is now going great guns at the age of 30.
He needed time and care, but eventually sorted himself out

And I really don't think comments from posters along the lines of 'why did you let her go?' are helpful.
Time to regroup and look forward, not navel-gaze

How is her eating and her weight now? I’d keep an eye on that OP

So sorry to read about your loss. Your DSis sounds amazing and inspirational. Thank-you for sharing.

I also believe this blip would end up being the best for my DD. I really do.
When they are bright we often forget to prepare them for failure because academia is so easy for them. This resonated with me. Not something i thought of when it came to their academics but something I am now aware of to do as a parent.

Wishing your DS the very best. Sounds like he comes from a great background.

So sorry for your loss.

I'm another diagnosed very late with ND. Is the university arranging the nd assessment? The University will have a nd support service. They can also do full assessments via a provider.
When I was diagnosed with adhd, I wasn't assessed for anything else. Only during further studies was I assessed properly. Also being diagnosed with dyslexia explained other reasons I was struggling. Welcome to message if you want to chat further, op. Good luck to you both

So pleased that everything seems so much brighter for your DD. Thank goodness she has such great support from you.

Just want to say a massive thank-you. Your posts were really helpful and armed me with knowledge and expectations re: chatting with DD's Uni. It was so helpful.

Uni was lovely and helpful. She didn't do all her modules but the modules she did, she excelled. So having that discussion really helped me know what went on with DD and we were given some helpful next steps. One surprising outcome of the discussion I wasn't expecting was how it helped DD. After the chat, her posture was more straightened, no more slumped shoulders. She seemed to no longer be hiding. It was after that chat, she started talking more about her future...making plans.

Just wanted to say thank-you.

Thanks @NDndndnd , no it's not being done by Uni. She had been let go since June last year.

not strange at all, i had a mental breakdown in my first year due in part to unpleasant experience came back but was wobbly for a while

please give her a big hug her self esteem must be so low after all that struggle

i was found to be dyslexic after uni any chance she is un diagnosed?

She was going but only doing some modules. There was one module in particular she didn't touch both years.
She is currently waiting on a date for an ASD assessment.
I strongly suspect it is going to be confirmed.

I think the same . Why couldn't she tell you , did she think she would disappoint you . Young people are under such pressure , you only have to look at posts on MN to see the expectations that parents put on their children . This girl needs no pressure for now and to know that she's good enough as she is .

The PP was reading another thread. I mean, what else can one think?
I don’t understand such people either.

Yes, it's difficult to seek help on MN especially when people don't read the posts and contribute with judgement or condemnation. Or maybe even read the posts but make up their own narrative.

I would still say to anyone, don't let that hold you back from seeking help. Ignore the nasties. Focus on PP that are there to be helpful or supportive or handhold.

There is a wealth of knowledge, resources and experiences on here. MN has been very helpful and educative for me over the years.