Found out DD isn’t actually at university anymore

[UniversityProblems]

Posted here for traffic.
In shock.

DD20 went to Uni Sept 2023. She started in foundation year because she didn't have the required grade in two of her A levels.
She failed the first year at university as she did not complete all her modules and had to repeat the year. In the repeat year, she completed 3 out of her 4 modules. unbeknowst to me). The university let her go. I was totally unaware of this.

Everytime she was asked, she was very positive and I thought all was well. She never had any complaints and chatted happily about uni and uni life.
She went back to school in September (5 months ago) like everything is normal. This week, I found out that she was not actually a student anymore and I went down to find out what was going on. When I saw her my heart broke, it was true. She was in her rented shared accommodation, not really doing anything and she was so thin. She was short of money and had lost significant weight. I brought her home.

She is not talking about what happened, why she didn't tell me what was going on. I really don't have any idea how it all occured and how she was dropped from university.

What can I do to help her? Is it worth having a chat with the university? From experience, would anyone know if there are any other options for her at the university?
Anyone been through similar with their DC?

*I would rather have the knowledge i have and the personal growth I experienced whilst attaining it than all the money in the world.

What about DD? She is not the i in your statements and that really matters

I was replying to a post saying that you can make more money from doing an apprenticeship. For me, education is about a lot more than money.

It's up to the DD to decide how important education is to her. If she just wanted a career maybe she would just be better off doing something vocational. My degree subjects (music and English literature) are central to my existence.

I feel there could be something underlying here with your DD, OP. I think she's struggling with something. But I could be totally wrong.

When I noticed my DD went skinny - yes, it was an eating disorder. Please do look out for your DD (I know you are). I am not saying it is definitely that, but it's just something to be very mindful of (especially given the things you're discussing in your post).

You're doing all the right things. You care. You are showing her that she is safe and loved. Please continue to do so (I know you are!).

She needs hand holding right now. Maybe uni just wasn't right for her. Or maybe she's struggling with something unrelated.

She can go back to uni any time. Now is the time to listen (if she is willing to speak).

People put so much emphasis on academia these days, but there are so many other ways to carve your mark in the world. It really could be that uni just isn't right for her. It could be anything.

Just continue to listen to her and support her, and take in what she feels and wants

Please don't take this the wrong way, because I don't think you realise you might be doing it, but is there a chance you're projecting university = success in life onto your DD? I already commented about my ASD and ADHD making life hard but what I didn't mention is that I was that over-achieving kid at school, genius level IQ, who didn't go on to get the straight A A-levels everyone thought I would. Now, I had a huge amount to deal with at the time (abusive parents, left home at 16 and was having to live off £36 a week doing my a levels, boyfriend was an abusive creep etc), so that's fine. I'm just saying that, as a result, I just went into work after A levels and it was the making of me. I'd originally wanted to be a teacher but I fell into engineering. It was bloody hard though and, due to crappy bosses and having to support myself, it took me years to fit in part-time study (HNC, HND then final year degree, with many years in between). However, I had an 18 year career, which was rewarding, successful and lucrative and came out with a first class honours degree. I also have the benefit of working my way up from admin, to sales and marketing, projects, quality (senior management for the last decade of my career). When I left to have my son and he had additional needs, I completed a further education PGCE and am now a qualified FE teacher of engineering, so I get the same holidays. Yep, I came full circle back to teaching and I'm really glad the foundation of my engineering education was vocational because engineers who have gone in straight from education are actually a nightmare. Maybe let her work for a bit, find her feet. Find something that she can be passionate about, without the pressure of worrying it's not good enough.

No point staying in the university city looking for a job as they will be up against 100’s of other students also looking for work.

You've misread jess, it wasn't my DD. My own DD, as it happens, got pregnant in the Christmas of the last year. She missed loads of uni in that spring because of morning sickness and ante natal appointments etc and they gave her an estimated grade of 2-2, which she was very disappointed with.

I was really pissed off with the university tbh. A man (of course) told her that they couldn't take her pregnancy into account because pregnancy isn't an illness. No it isn't but morning sickness fucking well is. Twat.

Anyway, I am still glad she went to university (all my children did). You would have to ask her if she thought it was worth it.

Dear God, who pissed on your chips? 🙄😂

Re the rent Op may have been paying. The current English loan system where yp often get min loan and parents need to top up £6000 a year often leads to parents paying rent and yp living on min loan. I thought about this after what my DD’s housemate did this year.
Her dad was hundreds of miles away paying her rent. Totally oblivious. She had no loan as not enrolled so managed with money from last yr1 loan payment (they get biggest chunk in summer) and only started defaulting on rent once she needed rent money to live.
We pay DD’s rent and transfer to her to pay uni accommodation aor landlord as they deal with the yp as they are adults. It’s a perfect set up for a yp to pretend.

Sorry, I misunderstood that you were the OP, replying to someone saying that vocational training can be better than university. This thread is really confusing 🤣

Though misguided, she showed a real strength of mind to carry on as she did. She wanted to try and fix this somehow herself. I believe there's a genuine independence and resilience in that. Acknowledge that bravery and spirit with her. You sound like a lovely parent and of course want to protect her from pain. But be careful not to take over and disable that impulse she had to make it on her own. There's nothing inherently wrong with that drive.

I just want to let you know that I failed my first year of my first Uni course. I went from a highly supported school environment to being Freeeeeeeee and loved it but didn’t focus on my course enough. I eventually went back to a similar degree, got a 2:1 and 25 years later I have a brilliant career where I am an Industry expert in my field and get paid accordingly. Your daughter needs time, love and support which you are clearly providing and once she feels better she can consider her next step - this isn’t the end of the road, just a big pothole!

University isn’t the be all and end all. I’m assuming she was funding it all and not you because taking your money to pay rent or fees and not actually being at university would obviously not be acceptable.

it’s good you now know the situation. I wouldn’t overly pander now though, running around after her. She needs support, but she also needs to start feeling like she can do things herself. Driving is a good idea as a pp mentioned. Getting a job to pay for the driving - just a temporary one while she works out what she wants to do in life. Or maybe getting a job to save for a little holiday might do her some good. Small successes that she can feel proud of herself for and that motivate her going forward.

Oh wow 😮🤣🤣🤣👌🤦👏

It can be, I remember I made similar errors when I started on MN, but you get used to it.

I’ve seen a lot of this from the other side. I worked in a university before I retired and also some with my own daughters. Your first priority must be your daughter’s health. That might mean letting her chill out at home with proper food for a few weeks or supporting her in the town where her friends are, if you can. Tell the university that she wants to take leave if absence for this academic year on health grounds. If she has hobbies or anything that she can keep herself occupied with at home, encourage that. Emphasise that you love her, whatever she does with her life. If she wants to, a part time job near home might give her some routine and some money. When she’s ready, which will almost certainly be weeks and might be months, start talking about ways forward. It may be that once she’s well she can return to the same university and work out a plan with their student support people. It may need that a more vocational course at a local college or something is a better plan, or starting to build up some credits with the open university. Or if she finds a job she likes, even if it’s not a graduate career (whatever that is these days) she could focus on that for two or three years save some money and build skills and work out what she really wants to do with her life and then choose higher education options that align with that. If you push her to rush things you’ll just end up pushing her away.

Well said!

You know its really hard to give advice without knowing you or your daughter so please don't be offended if this is wide of the mark. You sound to me like university is very important to you and I wonder if your daughter hasn't confided in you for fear of disappointing you or worse making you angry. Please think really hard about what to do next. Do not talk to the uni. Talk calmly and gently to your daughter. I'm so concerned about her state of mind and her weight loss. Give her time to recover and don't force her to talk. There are other options. An apprenticeship for one is so much better than Uni these days. When she is recovered maybe she could look at voluntary work of some kind to help get her confidence back. Meanwhile she needs lots of hugs and all her favourite food and your love to reassure her. Good luck.

Just be kind to her, she tried it and it didn’t work out. We British have a terrible attitude generally to things if they don’t work out and that’s quite wrong. She gave it a go, it didn’t work out, move on. Give her time and support and she’ll follow another path. University is over hyped these day. My brother left after one year , tried a few different things but now ten years later is earning over £200k a year doing what he’s good at. By contrast my youngest brother has a Masters degree , can’t find a job and is pulling pints , but he’s happy. I wish her well, just let her go her own route, maybe a year traveling and working in Australia or New Zealand will restore her self confidence x

She's burnt out. The same thing happened to me. I was always the academic award winner in primary and secondary. It was my identity. My a levels were all predicted to be A*s and then they weren't (I had already burnt out) but I got into my first choice nonetheless.
I thought university would resurrect the 'old me' but it really didn't. I was the least worry to my parents of the 3 of us all through our childhood because I was kind, fun and studious. I knew education mattered so much to my parents so I just couldn't bear to disappoint them even though they always told me they loved me regardless. I felt like my world would end if I wasn't the daughter they were so proud of. I was far more concerned about what they thought of me than how I felt.
I did manage to scrape through the degree with resits etc. but I was very ashamed.
My parents always had me earmarked for great success because that is what I had always shown them. It didn't help when my younger sister, who had always been 'relaxed' when it came to school suddenly decided to put her head down in her last year and do so well that she ended up studying medicine.
After my degree, my parents suggested I do law. I agreed because I didn't want to disappoint them further. I fell into depression and abandoned it. They were incredibly supportive and insisted that I just take time to consider what I would like to do with my life while I worked a part-time, no pressure job. A year later I began training as a primary school teacher and they were excited, happy and proud. I'd never thought they'd feel that way about it but was delighted they did.
I'm 43 now and all is good. I love what I do but it would have never happened if my parents hadn't discovered how much I was struggling and took me back in under their wing and taught me that my academic prowess was not what they loved about me; they just wanted me to be happy.

Almost like you know her!😁
She is very determined and very resilient.
Unfortunately, that strength of mind in this case .....

Just to clear up a few things. Some I have already written in previous posts. Forgive the repetition.

• DD did not fail her A levels, she got good grades but just not for the course she wanted.

She was predicted A* across the board. Her grades (A being her highest and C the lowest) were good enough to go straight in to first year for other courses in similar or sort of related fields, if she wanted. She had her mind set on that particular course.

• She was not forced, pushed, coerced, compelled or mandated to go to university.

My DC all have different paths and they are all very self-directed. My DC 9 is into the Arts and brings information to me about tutoring, schools, courses, camps they are interested in.. even right down to marking the ones they think I am most likely able to afford. And the one's they want to try to get a scholarship for. DC 9 may go to university or may not, I don't know.

• DD is not a swindler, is not feckless, is not deceitful, is not wicked, is not evil etc

• DD does not have an eating disorder, she had very little money and seemed to have been pacing out her meals or skipping meals.

Thanks so much to all the posters that drew my attention to the financial side of things, that did not even occur to me at all, it was the least of my concerns. She's not owing on rent but i do need to check out what's the situation with Gas/Elec/Council tax.

Thanks to all the posters for very helpful suggestions re: university or alternative pathways, things to do to get her through this period, helpful reading materials etc. That was what I needed. Thank-you.

Thanks to all the posters who PM'd me.

And thank-you to all the posters who shared their stories, that was so kind. I really appreciated the encouragement. My DD would also use her story to encourage others one day.

Thank-you too for the not very positive or supportive responses, I guess it helps to keep things balanced. Almost seemed like it wasn't on AIBU, for a minute!

I made the thread to get advice (& support that I didn't realise I actually needed) and I got loads of it, more than expected and I am so grateful.

I will keep checking the thread, I keep coming back to re-read advice and suggestions.

This thread has brought lots of memories and emotions for me. I dropped out of Uni / was kicked out. Not once but twice. First of a statistics degree I didnt enjoy at all. Never told my parents. Switched to architecture which I finished ten years later after having to start after three years all over again. I always struggled with the workload/energy levels and deadlines, and still do. Its not an intelligence issue.Graduated and got a job and still struggle.
Only during just before my last exams I learned its all mental health related, another ten years later I think there is a bit of ND involved too. Mental health bad because of having a narcissistic father and parents arguing all the time. Never managed to get out of it.
Its lovely to see so many people would genuinely worry about their student child and look after them till they get better. I could not talk to my parents as they would get angry at me. Neither of them have a degree and I feel that getting a degree was their main goal for us children.

This is lovely.
I just.. we all just want her to be happy.
And I will support her and hold her up till she's doesn't need me too.

Neurodiversity is hard to pick in people that are smart coping well socially and with education. But it is there. In the background, affecting things.
Harder to pick in girls.

Sorry about your background and well done on pushing through. Thanks for sharing.

OP you seem pretty convinced there are no ED issues but I wanted to mention there is a very high incidence of autistic women who also have ED. ED sufferers are also masters of deception. So I wouldn’t be so quick to rule it out unless she’s eating well and normally now and gaining once she’s back home. Hope you get to the bottom of it all and are able to support her to rebuild after she has some recovery time. The other huge overlap is of course ADHD which can make self directed uni study immensely challenging.