Why is it that being an introvert is viewed as a bad thing?

[Parmaviolets101]

I’m very much an introvert.

I think all through my youth I tried to fight against it because it wasn’t really cool to be introvert.

I do very much enjoy company but I don’t like big gatherings, I much prefer meeting people one on one so that you can actually enjoy a good quality conversation. I am quite happy being alone as I need a the time to recharge.

I like quiet activities, walking, cinema, going for coffee, museums, site-seeing.

I still feel as though if you don’t enjoy parties, drinking, dancing, going out in big groups then you are looked down on as being boring and a bit weird.

Also, another thing that fascinates me is that they say that extroverts recharge by being with other people. If you are an extrovert, do you find being alone draining in the same way that I would find being with people too much draining?

I remember when I was at primary school begging my mum to keep me off when they had big events or parties as I hated them, but sometimes had to go. I hid in the cloakroom once as I was overwhelmed.

It always takes me a few days to recharge after a big party.

I have an extrovert SIL who is fantastic but she doesnt get me at all. I go along to 80% of her social events and recently it was a big birthday for me and she wanted to organise a huge party with people coming from all over the country and some staying at my house (so I couldn't even go home and escape after the party). I said I'd prefer no party and she called me boring, a stuck in the mud, fun-sponge because I told her I was going abroad for a week and not having a party.

She'd had a few drinks at the time so I forgave her, but it's just me. And I had loads of fun abroad doing my kind of thing.

Well from what i see of old age, its a lot if time spent alone, so i guess introverts have that to look forward to.

I don’t know I mean I would consider myself a shy or quiet extrovert . I thrive talking to people and get bored on my own but I don’t like big groups of people. People just seem to dislike quiet people in general. Loud confident people are celebrated in comparison , even annoying ones who don’t think before they speak

I've never noticed MNers dissing introverts but by golly they complain a lot about extroverts.
The descriptions offered of either intro-extro verts are fairly extreme on MN, too.

I should identify with OP because I grew up being often scolded by my parents for being anti-social, but it was only my parents who ever treated me that way. Not whole of society. When there is an epidemic of loneliness, I dare say British people are very encouraging of introverts to have minimal contact with other humans.

Personally, I don’t think being an introvert is viewed as a bad thing. But being a manager who doesn’t communicate with their team is a bad thing. Being a partner who never communicates any emotions or thoughts to their other half is a bad thing. Being someone who fails to advocate for their beliefs and needs is a bad thing. Standing by silently whilst you see something bad going on is a bad thing. I wonder if you are conflating silence and inept communication with being introvert, and they are not necessarily the same thing at all.

I think introvert and extrovert are being slightly misused on this thread. Introverts are not necessarily shy or quiet, it’s just that they find socialising draining so need to build in time alone. Extroverts are not necessarily boring, they just find socialising energising and might feel bored with too much time alone . Either type can be interesting or boring, quiet or loud.

The key is to know yourself and act accordingly. I’m fairly introverted but not shy at all- I enjoy a party and happily join in all the fun, I just don’t stay to the end and take myself home when I feel my social battery is drained. If I have a social event that I can’t leave early eg a dinner party, I’ll plan some downtime before and after.

The nightmare scenario for me is going to a party and a very chatty friend asking for a lift there, so I feel a bit partied-out before I’ve even got out of the car 😂

I totally agree. Even now in my 40’s my friends say this. That it’s boring to not go out, get hammered and enjoy a busy bar and a large group of people. My extrovert friends don’t understand how I can enjoy time alone. I have to explain over and over.

It’s not just this thread! The terms are generally misused on Mn. Introverts might be shy, quiet, socially-awkward, tongue-tied and dull, but if they are, that is nothing to do with their introversion. Similarly, extroverts might be loud, talkative and ‘I’m mad, me’, but they might equally be quiet in company. Perfectly possible to be a shy extrovert or a socially-confident introvert. The only way you’re going to know for sure is ask them, after a period of socialising, whether they feel recharged and vibrant and ready for more or drained and as if they need solitude to recharge. The only way you could distinguish between them in a social setting would be if the introvert was already drained from previous socialising.

Yes, this is me too. I'm recovering today and so pleased to have a quiet day working from home on my own.

Introverts bemoaning extroverts not getting them is a tad naval gazing

As PPs have pointed out the definitions of introvert and extrovert as applied on here are usually incorrect and most of the time they are coopted to mean respectively "shy, anxious or misanthropic" or "loud, narcissistic and self-centred". Neither of these stereotypes is accurate: there are loud and self-centred introverts and shy, anxious extroverts. And a huge amount of people in the middle. I find it infuriatingly simplistic.

Quite a lot of "extroverts" present as confident because they have struggled for years with low self-confidence and have developed a robust self-defense mechanism. Many "introverts" are comfortable in their own skin and don't need lots of contact.

But what really irritates me is the petulant way anxious and misanthropic people embrace "introversion" as a sort of shield/badge of honour and imply that being socially relaxed or confident is an indicator of attention seeking. There are several examples of this on this thread, with a PP identifying extroverts as boring and narcissistic.

The perception of introverts as some persecuted minority is tediously out of date. That may have been true historically because the more confident people were socially prized. Now, particularly post COVID, we're in a world where people can operate almost entirely without coming into contact with other people, a lot of people embrace having few social skills and our society is more atomised and fragmented than ever.

At the moment being an "introvert" (ie anxious or misanthropic) is seen as variously a way to make people sound deep and interesting, a way to justify rude or antisocial behaviour or air cover to bitch about people who are more socially confident.

None of this has anything to do with real "introversion". And in a world where people need more social contact, it's nothing to shout about.

But those people aren’t necessarily extroverts, they’re just unimaginative.

I mean, I love loud bars and large groups of people and I’m 53. But I also know that (1) not everyone does (2) if I spend a night out like that, I won’t want to do it again the next night, because I need solitude to recharge my social battery.

Hear hear to all of this!

I feel like it is because people have decided to over simplify what introvert and extrovert means and decided on their own definitions. And it is used as an excuse to be rude.

But I feel like everyone person claims to be introvert.

I like quiet activities, walking, cinema, going for coffee, museums, site-seeing.
I still feel as though if you don’t enjoy parties, drinking, dancing, going out in big groups then you are looked down on as being boring and a bit weird.

I like all the above. Your taxonomy is a bit reductive. I gain my energy from being alone (and don't really understand people who can't be alone) so that makes me an introvert but I still love a party and love socialising.

No one really gets judged for introversion in their personal lives, most introverted and quiet people tend to gravitate to others like them. I do find the fact that most career ladders are geared towards extroverts quite galling - getting the top (and best-paid) leadership roles tends to be about how much you enjoy being in constant contact with other people and how charismatic you're perceived to be, not how good your ideas are. There was a recent thread about what the highest earners actually do all day and every last one involved being in meetings all day. That's my idea of hell.

@gannett

I do find the fact that most career ladders are geared towards extroverts quite galling - getting the top (and best-paid) leadership roles tends to be about how much you enjoy being in constant contact with other people and how charismatic you're perceived to be, not how good your ideas are.

I think that's an oversimplification: leadership jobs certainly require people to be salespeople. If you're a CEO about 80% of what you're doing is selling the company's story: to investors, to employees, to potential partners, media etc. You can't do the job if you can't tell the story.

But that's not necessarily about being an extrovert. I work with a lot of CEOs and they have to do it but a lot of them don't enjoy it, its just the price of the job. They go into "sales" mode when they're doing investor presentations/media interviews etc. It's formulaic and highly rehearsed and it requires presence and confidence. But it's not the same as wanting to be around people all the time.

Some people genuinely love thish and thrive on it but a lot don't. A lot of very senior people will do a round of this and then shut themselves away from the world for days afterwards.

But it didn't say shy at all. Shy is being timid and nervous in the company of others. That is not at all the same as being focused on internal thoughts etc. that is mentioned in your definition. You can absolutely be an introvert but not at all shy.

Being introverted is not a problem, being extroverted is not a problem. Being socially inept and causing awkward social interactions is a problem, regardless of whether you are introverted or extroverted.

As an aside, I tend to see more socially inept/awkward people self-labelling as 'introverts' than 'extroverts', although they exist across the spectrum. It's a common misunderstanding that social ineptitude equals introversion, when they are completely different things.

Who says being an introvert is a bad thing? I've never heard that.

I'm a sociable introvert. I love parties, going out with friends and being sociable but I need to recharge by myself, enjoy my own company and find time alone restorative. I've worked in PR and events for most of my adult life and can switch on my sociable, gregarious, chatty side but it is effortful rather than something that occurs naturally. I will be drained afterwards, rather than recharged like an extrovert would be.

I think there is a difference between being an introvert and being anti-social, having social anxiety or being shy.

100% agree with this. Mumsnet has lost sight of what introverts and extroverts really are.

Yes, absolutely. My DH is a CEO, and having been a very sociable person when we first met, his social battery is now largely drained by the compulsory socialising his job requires, and he sees far fewer friends outside of work. He absolutely needs home downtime to do his job effectively.

Yes, I'm a not-shy, socially-confident introvert who enjoys socialising. I'm perfectly happy in a room full of total strangers. I'm a good person to invite to a dinner party that involves sets of people who don't know one another.

But I'm definitely an introvert in that I will be 'drained' after that and need solitude to recuperate before doing it again.

Maybe I should have said that leadership roles are geared towards an extrovert skillset. It's possible for people who don't enjoy it to tolerate it for the money, yes. My point is that the (gregarious, chatty, extroverted) salesperson skillset is generally rewarded more than being solitary, detail-orientated and ideas-driven. (Or at least, the default career ladder is for the former; if you're the latter and want to progress, you have to carve out your own niche to an extent, and forgo the biggest bucks. Or work in tech, I suppose.)

There are nuances to all of this too. I'm almost exactly like that, except for the room full of strangers. I'm happy to talk to anyone once we've been introduced... but for the life of me I cannot bring myself to turn to someone I don't know and introduce myself.

@gannett

Maybe I should have said that leadership roles are geared towards an extrovert skillset. It's possible for people who don't enjoy it to tolerate it for the money, yes. My point is that the (gregarious, chatty, extroverted) salesperson skillset is generally rewarded more than being solitary, detail-orientated and ideas-driven.

I know what you mean here but I think it's a false dichotomy. It's about presence, clarity and confidence, not really about being gregarious and chatty. If anything being overly gregarious and chatty is likely to get a CEO into trouble because it leaves them open to straying away from the focus/the message.

I coach c-suite people (mainly CEOs) and you'd be surprised how many of them are naturally reserved and quite shy and need coaxing to wear their hearts on their sleeve.