Cash gift from parent - sharing with spouse

[Dexysmidnightstroller]

For various reasons I’m currently the main breadwinner and paying all bills. We do ok, fortunate to have paid off the mortgage, and balance having nice but not extravagant holidays with saving for retirement.

We recently went on an overseas holiday mainly to visit an elderly relative of mine. We did lots of other things too but that was the main reason for the venue and we ensured we spent a lot of time with her. At the end, without asking and as a complete surprise, she insisted on a really generous gift of ££ as she wanted to pay for our trip. We absolutely never expected or asked, but accepted the gift (she is comfortably off and is known for generous help to my siblings as well).

As I’d already budgeted and paid for the holiday I put the gift into savings/investment. DH has whinged a bit, saying it was a gift to “us” with the implication that he should take half and do what he wants with it. AIBU to point out that I paid for the holiday and my relative was theoretically reimbursing it, so if I decide it should go into savings that is up to me? (And by the way be grateful for the free trip and for our future financial stability?)

IANBU = I was within rights to decide what to do with the gift
IABU = he was entitled to his half of the windfall

So he doesn't want you to spend any money on your kids past 18, but he as an older adult expects to receive gifts from his mother in law, and be fully supported by his wife? How does that make sense?

I think he's hypocritical and should apply his boot-staping philosophy to himself! he wants for himself what you're saving for your kids.

I‘d feel the same in OPs situation. It’s not your husband’s to get his grabby fingers on. It was meant to reimburse you for travel expenses.

Agree. Many people don't realise they need to.

He’s a grown adult and can work and earn his own money. He doesn’t want you saving money for your own children, but wants to benefit from your money. I do hope you have a will, as you know your kids won’t see any of that money if it went to him. He needs to step up and earn some money, or does he just want to spend yours? I wouldn’t have married him in your position, but you are where you are. No way i’d ever share money again after my experience sharing with ex and being questioned on every purchase. He isn’t a SAHD, so you’ve no obligation to provide money to him. Why hasn’t he got another job?

Yes! OP you should make a will. Dont tell your husband. DO tell your children, and make sure they have all your financial info etc.

A really good point!

Although given how sensible OP is with money, I'd expect her to have seen to this too.

I have grown up children. He doesn’t like me putting money aside for their future (thinks they shouldn’t get any past 18) but tough. My children my money my call - I put it in a savings account and it’s to help them each get on the property ladder, or for emergencies (real ones eg if they were very ill and couldn’t work etc).

You know you fucked up big time again marrying this guy, don't you?

Get the money to your kids before something happens and he takes half of what you've got. You need to see a lawyer and a financial advisor who has fiduciary duty to protect your kids or they're going to end up with nothing if you're not smart and careful. This guy's greedy as fuck and he wants it all.

This is one of the big reasons besides the high potential for abuse I would never remarry. There's a ton of greedy and just feckless, irresponsible assholes out there looking for women who will support them as they age. I knew to protect my kids. What I have, they will get. They get a holiday, not some loser. Life is really a lot tougher for the younger generations, especially financially, and I have a responsibility to them.

He doesn't like you saving for your children?.
Why in gods name did you marry such a grifter.
Honestly OP, I would be seriously saving money for those children, in THEIR name, to keep his hands off it.

What a loser.

You need to get financial advice about protecting money you are saving for your kids and, ideally, your house before this guy divorces you and goes for half.

If he realises he'll get more from divorcing you than from living off you, you need to be prepared.

It would be different if you shared young children and he was a sahd. But this isnt that. He contributes fuck all and expects everything you have. That's not on and tbh it is an insult to sahp to compare him to them.

Get sound legal advice if you make a will that doesn't leave him much. A spouse can contest a will and will likely get at least as much as they would had you divorced before death, especially if he is dependent on you. A contested will is not something your DC will want to go through if it's avoidable. Better for everyone for the will to be sound and for everyone to be aware so as to not stoke the fires for upset and contestation after you die.

I hope your mom is bypassing you and leaving her estate to the grandkids. He could end up with that too. You might want to suggest that to her. I would if I was married to a greedy man who would take her reimbursment for a holiday you paid for to spend on himself.

Each to their own, but that wouldn’t be attractive to me - I wouldn’t have married him. Marriage is building a life together. If you can’t be on the same page re finances, then you’re missing something fundamental. You can still have separate accounts with sone money in to spend how you wish. But it stops all this “my money” nonsense that we see in her literally every day.

Why wouldn’t you have a joint account if you trust your husband?

If this happened in reverse it would be called financial abuse!

We’re not missing anything and we’re certainly not judgemental and sanctimonious about other people who organise their lives in the way that suits them best. The life we’ve built together has survived numerous stresses and strains, it’s certainly not going to fall apart for the lack of a joint account.

Until he cheats on you for a younger woman and then tries to claim 50/50 custody so he has to pay you the least amount of maintenance. Never a good ideal to pool money. You are individuals not one being. You aren't joined at the hip. If this happened in your case you would be up the creek without a paddle.
@Dexysmidnightstroller I'd be absolutely fuming in your place and I think you know yourself that he is taking the piss generally letting you pay for everything. Set some boundaries. Even on low wage he should still be contributing to the household. When his relative offers a big wad of money out then he can keep that to himself can't he? What an absolute CF he is!!!

You’re right to do this. Your husband doesn’t get to decide what happens with money that comes from your family. Nor you money that comes from his if your arrangement is separate finances with separate savings and banking arrangements.

Good for you.

I’ve made a will, he gets a life interest in the house and then it goes to kids (unless he remarries in which case it goes straight to them). Pensions are divided so he gets a third and the children a third each. Family heirlooms all to the kids. He has said I should leave it all to him and he will pass it to the kids, and that he will protect it from their father. I’ve done what I believe correct

No it wouldn’t! There is literally nothing abusive about putting the money your relative has given you to cover the cost of the trip back into savings rather than spaffing it.

Not if the woman was keeping all of their own wage and was choosing to do a lower paid job. A partnership is everyone pulling their weight, especially where there are no children involved.

Why is he getting a third of your pension? No criticism, but you are sending mixed messages.

Have you run that by a specialty lawyer to see if that split will stand if he challenges it?

I am not in the UK but doesn't the surviving spouse get the estate? And is your will that says otherwise legally binding if he takes it to court?

He has said I should leave it all to him and he will pass it to the kids, and that he will protect it from their father.

But not from himself.

Girl. Sheesh. He's fucking blatant.

Tell your mom he tried to help himself to the money she gave you to reimburse you for the holiday you paid for and he's tried to get you to leave him your entire estate. She needs to know this guy is a greedy opportunist and to leave her money to the grandkids.

It definitely would not be called financial abuse if there was a couple who didn't share kids and a man refused to give a woman some of his money when she was also working and getting to keep all of her wages and not having to contribute anything towards bills.

AT ALL.

My exact thought. I can’t imagine being with someone and having this mentality. Squabbling over money like like, it’s just ick .