Cash gift from parent - sharing with spouse

[Dexysmidnightstroller]

For various reasons I’m currently the main breadwinner and paying all bills. We do ok, fortunate to have paid off the mortgage, and balance having nice but not extravagant holidays with saving for retirement.

We recently went on an overseas holiday mainly to visit an elderly relative of mine. We did lots of other things too but that was the main reason for the venue and we ensured we spent a lot of time with her. At the end, without asking and as a complete surprise, she insisted on a really generous gift of ££ as she wanted to pay for our trip. We absolutely never expected or asked, but accepted the gift (she is comfortably off and is known for generous help to my siblings as well).

As I’d already budgeted and paid for the holiday I put the gift into savings/investment. DH has whinged a bit, saying it was a gift to “us” with the implication that he should take half and do what he wants with it. AIBU to point out that I paid for the holiday and my relative was theoretically reimbursing it, so if I decide it should go into savings that is up to me? (And by the way be grateful for the free trip and for our future financial stability?)

IANBU = I was within rights to decide what to do with the gift
IABU = he was entitled to his half of the windfall

Mind boggling why you even married him?? After being through it the first time, amazing how people don’t learn.

"He has said I should leave it all to him and he will pass it to the kids, and that he will protect it from their father."
Oof. Red flags a-flying!

"He has said I should leave it all to him and he will pass it to the kids, and that he will protect it from their father."

Pfft! All pigs fed, watered and ready to fly. I bet he'd protect it from their father - by keeping it himself. I know you're not going to but if you DID leave it to him in your will it would legally be all his, and I'd bet anything that he would turn round and laugh in your kids' faces.

OP open your eyes. With every update we can see what he's doing, you need to see it for yourself. He already has some of your money because you keep him fed, housed and warm. But he wants more. As much of it as he can persuade you to give him. And preferably all of it.

He's a leech and a cocklodger. Time to close the Bank of Dexy right now and let the money grabbing sod fend for himself.

YANBU, OP. I don't get all this angst about having separate finances. There are all sorts of marriages, and just because a couple have separate finances does not make their marriage any less.

DH and I keep separate finances. No joint money at all. He's from a culture where women keep their maiden names, children inherit without question, and family money is kept within the (blood) family. We don't squabble over money or keep count over who pays what; the bills get paid and that's what's important.

I'm protected financially (healthy fuck off fund for worst case scenarios). I wouldn't dream of asking DH to hand over any cash he gets from, say, his FIL to me.

I'm married, and our house (it's in DH name) has been left to DS with a life interest for me. Again, to stop DS' inheritance falling outside the family. If I remarry, however, the life interest ends. That's absolutely fine by me. The problem with partners and life interest is that there's nothing to stop them moving a new partner in.

You're doing totally the right thing here; protect your children.

I earn a low wage and contribute nothing towards bills and food. Does that make me a CF too? Why does DS tolerate me? Dh as the bigger earner pays everything. The leftover disposable income after mortgages, bills, car loans, pensions, savings and subscriptions is roughly the same as my disposable income which is my entire net salary. I guess I'm a freeloader too. Perhaps Dh should leave my ass and find a woman with a salary that matches his.

Fwiw I agree the money was for the holiday but I really disagree with the nasty comments about disparity in earnings. I don't see why it's even relevant to the issue in hand and don't see why OP even mentioned it.

Ha. Course he will.
You do right to protect it.
Get speciality advice to make sure it is iron clad.

Me and my husband share all money, it works for us, we've been married nearly 30 years, raised children together, sometimes I've out earned him and sometimes he'sout earned me. It's the right choice for us but it isn't always the right choice and in your situation it would be a terrible idea to let him get his hands on your assets.

I have no interest in having a joint account. Our setup works really well for us and has for many years now.

Thats a relief.
But why does he think you'll believe he'd abide by your wishes given his obvious resentment that you help them financially?
As if you would leave your children at his mercy!

That’s because you ARE working a very long hours day every single day, that’s not the same scenario in the slightest, this is an older couple, kids arent young, from what I gather, they’re old enough to look after themselves, they’re also not her husbands bio kids. He has a job which he keeps ALL his wages for himself while OP pays for all bills, treats, meals out and holidays by herself for the both of them, if he’s not happy he can go get a better paying job!! You running a home, looking after your kids with school, activities, medical etc and providing meals or whatever for your husband is perfectly reasonable to have shared finances. This a grown man with no young kids to care for all day every day, he’s taking the piss!’

Your DH is a CF @Dexysmidnightstroller . I think that ultimately your marriage is doomed as you will have resentment towards him that will build.

I wouldn't trust that man as far as I could throw him

Currently he gets a third. If he divorces you he might get more.

That's why I think savings are a bad idea while married to a man that isn't paying his share, nor does he have any incentive to do so, nor will he happily keep working past retirement for minimum wage and make half the meals and do half the cleaning while you potter around all day living non your savings.

Because he feels entitled to benefit from your money.

My advice is give as much to your kids savings now as you can and then divorce.

If you want to stay together, fine, male up a plausible reason for the divorce: tell him it's to create a clean financial seperatation and that you'll get a joint account after for shared billorthat he can access immediately on your death without the executor being involved and so he doesn't lose the home. Whatever.

But divorce. And consider hard why you are literally taking money out of your kids pockets to give to a man that isn't their dad when he has no intention of helping them after you're gone and ots the last support you can give them. He already begrudge you helping them past 18.but he's quite happy to take handouts. Because he's jealous and selfish.

That was a very different situation if I remember correctly. They had children and a tight budget. So his stake in the bet was coming out of that tight family budget. He wanted to just fritter the money on himself and going out with his mates.

Whereas the OP has all of the financial responsibility for the household. I’m betting she does the lion’s share of all the domestic and mental load too. She is not intending to fritter the money away in herself but to put it into savings for both their futures.

You can rarely compare the men’s situations with the women’s even in the current society. Women in general still do the bulk of the childcare and have the domestic responsibilities too. So when you get men who potter in their jobs they do tend to be entitled cock lodgers.

Oh and I’m getting a divorce and am theoretically entitled to half my STBXH’s very large pension and savings. I am only asking for half the house which I have contributed to over the years. He had the big job so I think he’s entitled to the money. But you could argue that I carried all the domestic load and childcare for years and my pension suffered as a result. I’m not arguing that so it’s not all ‘women get what they want and stuff the men’. But in this case I completely agree with the OP and feel she’s being shafted a bit by her husband.

I have a 50/50 set up and we have totally separate finances, no joint account and it works perfectly for us, has done for over 30yrs. Its not ridiculous unless one of you earns more and the other struggles as a result.

Your updates are just getting worse and worse.

At best, you have very different attitudes to money. That alone should have been a good enough reason not to marry. At worst, he’s seeing you as a cash cow and you risk being burnt again.

I would speak to a solicitor and talk through what he’d realistically have a claim on if you were to divorce. Then take it from there.

To be clear, I don’t want a divorce and the marriage is going well - this is the first money issue in ages. I said from the beginning I would control my own finances and was not interested in a joint account etc. It’s not his fault his career was destroyed but equally he knows I have kids and have suffered PTSD from my ex’s exploitation. I have rebuilt things to the point where I take a great deal of satisfaction and stress relief from seeing all finances under control - not riches, that’s not going to happen now, but I’m at a point I am content with - we don’t skimp on necessaries, we have holidays, we have no mortgage, and that’s enough for me. I’ve completely shut down any discussion of the gift money with him now.

Apologies if I have missed an update OP but, if you pay for everything, what exactly does he do with his income? You said he was on a low wage but that is more than no wage.

I would be concerned about some of his comments, e.g. the saving for your children, wanting a fixed part of your income every month and ESPECIALLY his comments regarding your will.

Until he's contributing more to your joint lives, he has no say in the matter.

Goodness, I hope he's nice to you in other respects @Dexysmidnightstroller because over money, he sounds really unattractive.

He didn't get any help - from his parents. But he's accepting a massive amount of help from you now, so his 'principles' are a little bit flexible, aren't they?

Tbh, I think you've jumped from the frying pan into fire with your new financial arrangements and you're in denial because its too scary to think about.

I think youre at the start of questioning whether he has your/your kids best interests at heart but aren't ready to see it yet.

I think you've asked about the holiday money to test your worries and now want to sweep it under the rug.

That's OK, you aren't ready to see and confront this yet. But just keep it in the back of your mind that a whole thread have validated your initial concern and you should have confidence in yourself if you have a niggle something isn't right.

I know that means you need to carry on as you are now and tell yourself you also need to have confidence you can trust him. But just because you don't like what you hear now, it doesn't mean you can't ignore it and come back if you have another worry. Nobody should be posting to have a go at you or make you feel stupid, because you're not.

But I do think you're making some mistakes by giving your husband such a financial stake because I don't think he's trustworthy.

This!

He does seem to have a bit of an eye on the main chance here @Dexysmidnightstroller You are obviously keeping it shut down but must be quite tiring to have him forever pushing the boundaries. I think you might have been better off just cohabiting rather than being married.

Sounds like he spends all his own money on his own discretionary spending? In which case it sounds like he has plenty of financial freedom.

Yes it can't be that low, and if he's not paying for any bills etc then he probably already has a lot more for himself than a huge amount of the population do?

He tried to siphon off your mom's money that she reimbursed you for the trip you paid for.

He's cool with taking an older lady's money that she gave to her daughter. You know he wants your whole estate and would cut your kids out.

He's playing the long game.

Do you want your kids ending up traumatized like you after your previous leech took you for a financial ride to the cleaners? You picked another one who is open that he wants your money instead of your kids benefitting from your hard work. I'd be dotting every I when it comes to that will.

I don't know how you can say you've got a good marriage when you know your husband would fuck your kids over to get your money and your mom's money.

OP is paying all the bills and paid for the trip, so it seems her H only wants 50/50 when it suits him.