Cash gift from parent - sharing with spouse

[Dexysmidnightstroller]

For various reasons I’m currently the main breadwinner and paying all bills. We do ok, fortunate to have paid off the mortgage, and balance having nice but not extravagant holidays with saving for retirement.

We recently went on an overseas holiday mainly to visit an elderly relative of mine. We did lots of other things too but that was the main reason for the venue and we ensured we spent a lot of time with her. At the end, without asking and as a complete surprise, she insisted on a really generous gift of ££ as she wanted to pay for our trip. We absolutely never expected or asked, but accepted the gift (she is comfortably off and is known for generous help to my siblings as well).

As I’d already budgeted and paid for the holiday I put the gift into savings/investment. DH has whinged a bit, saying it was a gift to “us” with the implication that he should take half and do what he wants with it. AIBU to point out that I paid for the holiday and my relative was theoretically reimbursing it, so if I decide it should go into savings that is up to me? (And by the way be grateful for the free trip and for our future financial stability?)

IANBU = I was within rights to decide what to do with the gift
IABU = he was entitled to his half of the windfall

What the feck? He is being cheeky and downright selfish about this. Give him £100 and tell him to get himself a little treat. Probably misses his salary if he was the breadwinner back in the day.

Starfeesh
My thoughts exactly, talk about having your cake then ice-cream!

This ⬆️ Honestly I cannot wrap my head around married couples penny pinching on everything. Just put it all in one pot and enjoy your lives together.

Have you any IDEA how rude you are, telling someone that their relationship "isn't actually a marriage"?
What works for you may not work for other people. We're all different. Having pooled money for joint expenses and separate for everything else works for millions of people - you're not one of them, fine, but there's no need to be offensive about it.

It sounds like you already share your money with him and it is likely this money will benefit him in the future anyway (maybe it will go to another holiday or home improvements for example).

How low is his wage that he thinks you should give him spending money even though all of his income is already kept for himself seeing as he doesn't have to pay any bills?

I'm so pleased for you that you have never been financially exploited by an intimate partner so have no trust issues.

Meanwhile, OP has had a significantly different experience.

My reaction as well.

What a charmer.

Agreed he sounds like a grabby bastard.

The trouble with your set up is that it sets the precedent that his earnings are his to keep and spend, like pocket money. He has no responsibility. You are infantilising him.

How would you renegotiate the set up if he was to start earning a lot more? He would tell you "no, when you were earning more you kept it, so now I am still keeping mine", and you would have a real task to get him to pay a share of bills.
It may be unlikely that he will ever have a "good" job, but the principles behind your current set up are illogical and shaky.

How about this suggestion:
Get a joint account for the household. Work out how much overall needs to be paid into it to cover all bills, household shopping, plus a bit extra for random repair expenses etc.
Both pay into it according to your income in a % split, so if you earn 5 times him, you pay in 5 times more, so he pays in e.g. 100 for every 500 you pay in.

You still keep the rest of your money, and he has some feeling of contributing to the house like a responsible adult. Then as your incomes change, you can change your % shares very easily.
You can't lose. The only way this system will make you worse off is if he spends from the joint account on his personal stuff, i.e. he abuses it.
If he does that, have a big row about it. If he does it again, close the joint account and divorce him.

Note - I say this because this is a second marriage and on the assumption that you have no children at home. The above system is not suitable for young couples with children as it particularly disadvantages the SAHP.

Then why enter into neither marriage with someone who you’re not 100% trusting of? Her DH sounds like a bit of a sponger and they’re already disagreeing over this windfall. They’re married, she’s still screwed if he leaves her and pursues half of her money. I don’t understand people who get martyrs but don’t want to build a life together, inc finances. If you’re not sure, then don’t do it.

She already paid for his holiday

Thanks to all for responses. God I hope I never divorce. Maybe marriage was a bad idea financially but I’m not beating myself up, I am where I am.

I made it very clear from the start of our relationship I never wanted to discuss money with another person ever again. I have grown up children. He doesn’t like me putting money aside for their future (thinks they shouldn’t get any past 18) but tough. My children my money my call - I put it in a savings account and it’s to help them each get on the property ladder, or for emergencies (real ones eg if they were very ill and couldn’t work etc).

He periodically used to mention a joint account so he could get stuff for the house but I’ve said no, it isn’t necessary. Any time it’s needed we can do instant bank transfers.

I think he was being hopeful that he could have a say since the gift was made in his presence, and no one outside the marriage knows about our finances nor will they ever. So he was a bit puzzled that I didn’t ask his opinion before putting it all into savings. But too bad. It’s my family’s money gifted to cover expenses only I made, and if there’s any extra that’s a nice thing towards retirement funds, which will of course benefit both of us. My focus is on getting the right balance between enjoying life now, helping children and getting towards my retirement. All my financial goals and savings and all that effort in my first marriage was annihilated and it won’t happen to me again. TBF I think he’s got the message now or is at least dropping it.

Try living with a husband that became bankrupt then. And if you had everything " in one pot" then your kids wouldn't eat as he'd have spent the lot

He doesn’t like you saving money for your children! Wow I’m so glad you’re ignoring this OP!

He didn’t get any help so thinks it’s wrong in principle, especially when their other parent is a financially incontinent idiot. But I do what I think is right in that respect.

All I can say OP is I hope you've made a will & left ALL of your estate to your children. Otherwise if you die before him he wont give them a penny!

My parents gifted me £70k last year. I put it all into pension and retirement savings. I did talk it through with DH, but ultimately he didn’t get a vote. He can enjoy the funds alongside me in retirement.

If he’d come in, saying that half of the money was his to blow, I’d have told him to swivel.

Me and dhs finances are entwined and it works well.

Every couple of years my mum sends a cheque each for about £5,000 to me, my two children, my sister and her two children and my brother.

She doesnt send a cheque to spouses.
I have asked dh many times when I get my cheque if he would like anything and everytime without fail he always says ' Don't be daft love, it's yours! Go and treat yourself!'
He sees its as my fun money and it was given for me to enjoy.
Of course I always find a way of treating him!

On this case op, you paid for the holiday, the money goes back to you.

That only works if you have similar attributes to money. If you’re married to a spendthrift it’s impossible. We have separate finances precisely so we can both enjoy our lives, his spending would enrage me if we had joint finances. I’m Team @Dexysmidnightstroller all the way. It’s worked for us for 26 years.

You may want to check that the assets you intend to leave to your children are still fully protected. There was a thread recently where a woman owned her house from before a second relationship and never allowed her partner to contribute. He was free to spend his earnings (low paid) as he chose. The woman was having an operation she might not survive, she reminded him the house was being left to her children and that he might need back up plans. She even contacted the daughter (the OP) because their father had been burying his head in the sand about it.

The OP was given plenty of advice about how the father could potentially make a claim against the estate anyway. It didn’t seem to matter that the woman had paid for the house and the repairs or that after more than twenty years together he had made little provision for his later years. There were a number of suggestions as to how he might be able to register interest in the house. So just be aware.

I trust my husband and I have no previous bad experience like OP does but I would still never, ever agree to a joint account.

Last time I checked, we've still built a life together. We just don't have a joint account, that's all.

It obviously doesn't work for everyone but then you can also say the same about joint finances. Marriages aren't going to be all the same because people are different and different things work for different people.

People don't understand what a new marriage does to an existing will.

@Dexysmidnightstroller I’m sorry; I accidentally tapped that you are being unreasonable…I don’t think you are at all, but am annoyed that I’ve accidentally sabotaged the votes 😂

Can make one AFTER the marriage

My aunt did this. The 2nd husband was allowed to live in the house for life but when he dies it went to her kids