Cash gift from parent - sharing with spouse

[Dexysmidnightstroller]

For various reasons I’m currently the main breadwinner and paying all bills. We do ok, fortunate to have paid off the mortgage, and balance having nice but not extravagant holidays with saving for retirement.

We recently went on an overseas holiday mainly to visit an elderly relative of mine. We did lots of other things too but that was the main reason for the venue and we ensured we spent a lot of time with her. At the end, without asking and as a complete surprise, she insisted on a really generous gift of ££ as she wanted to pay for our trip. We absolutely never expected or asked, but accepted the gift (she is comfortably off and is known for generous help to my siblings as well).

As I’d already budgeted and paid for the holiday I put the gift into savings/investment. DH has whinged a bit, saying it was a gift to “us” with the implication that he should take half and do what he wants with it. AIBU to point out that I paid for the holiday and my relative was theoretically reimbursing it, so if I decide it should go into savings that is up to me? (And by the way be grateful for the free trip and for our future financial stability?)

IANBU = I was within rights to decide what to do with the gift
IABU = he was entitled to his half of the windfall

They have both enjoyed it OP paid for the holiday in the first place.

Context is that he is on to a good thing and still wants more.

Just refund him what he paid 0

Why are you with him?

Op, am I right in understanding he keeps everything he earns to do what he wants with?

Honestly, if this was the other way round, and a man was the higher earner and controlling the finances, while the woman working on a low wage had no say in what happened to any extra income coming in, the answers given by many of the PPs would be completely different.

I do understand that the OP has been burned before, but marriage is about sharing, about helping each other, about seeing each other through the difficult times. For me, the situation here would depend on whether the DH was working full time, or part time and picking up the slack at home. And whether he has the ability to get another, higher paying job, or if he's just looking for an easy ride. We don't know, because the OP hasn't said.

It sounds fine, if one partner is earning less, and the other is paying all of the bills. This, on the whole, may well mean that things are fairly equitable in the amount that each has for 'fun money' etc. . But where it becomes more difficult is when one partner is making the financial decisions, without discussion. They get to decide what is invested, what is spent on holidays etc just because they are the higher earner. This definitely can lead to a power imbalance, and that's not good for a marriage.

In this particular case, I can totally see why the money went back in to savings, as that is where it presumably came from in the first place, and the relative said they want to pay for the holiday.

But it's still fair to discuss this, rather than making the decision for both of you. It's fair to discuss any financial plan, including savings, spending, budgets , pensions etc. Not necessarily having complete access to all money (although I do think that's best), but being open to discussion. That's how most people in a successful marriage function. It can work without this, but I think it's rarer. If you are open about finances, and operate in a way that you are BOTH happy with, then that's good for the long term success of the partnership. If not, it can lead to resentment - possibly from him because she makes all the financial decisions, possibly from her because she doesn't trust him or think he's bringing an equal amount to the marriage (not just financial, but in effort).

Duhh, he doesn't deserve a penny from it.

I did that before and got horribly burned. I mean all my redundancy money, everything take from me except my share of house equity. The btard syphoned it all. I’d have retired by now otherwise. So I cannot do that again. I made that clear with this marriage from the get go.

He may not be taking all of it and not in the same way, but he's still taking your money now.

I’d generally share a large financial gift with my DH, however in this instance, where you’re being reimbursed for this specific trip, I’d put the money back into whatever pot it came from. Probably the future holiday fund.

Couldn’t have put it better myself….greedy….x

Agree tbh, share it all in our house. I wouldn’t want to be in a tit for tat marriage. It would have come out of a joint acc in the first place.

I totally understand why you would be cautious given your past experience, but then why on earth enter into a financial partnership with someone i.e. marriage? You could easily lose at least half of everything. It seems crazy to me that most people get legal advice when buying a house, when writing a will etc but not when getting married. For most people marriage is the biggest financial commitment they will ever make and many/most go into it more or less blindly.

I think you may be storing up problems for the future, OP. Because his life is so easy now, there is little incentive for him to improve his financial position. Over time that dynamic can shift expectations, particularly if one partner consistently earns more and carries most of the long-term financial planning. Is he paying into a pension, or is most of his income effectively just 'spends'?

What happens if you retire or become unable to work? Is the plan for both of you to live on your pension and investments? If so, that places a heavy burden on the provision you are building now. What's the point of building it up if you are going to be running it down twice as fast? Surely the plan is to have a sustainable stand of living in retirement/ a safety net. Hard to do if you end on half of the pooled funds you could have had when it could have been avoided. At the very least he should be contributing to a pension, don't push the financial risk can down the road to a point in life when there are far fewer healthy years left to earn that money back.

@Dexysmidnightstroller sorry op but do you think you have gotten yourself into a similar situation again. ?What would happen if he decided to divorce you tomorrow ?
Where would this leave you financially .

I also question why you got married and agree that if the sexes were the other way around, you'd get more YABU. It would depend on if he was trying his best, earning as much as he could, if on less hours doing more in the house and what he wanted the money for. It should be a discussion, not you controlling everything.

Even in a smaller wage he should be able to contribute something. Is all his money going towards fun/wants/ his savings? I can't believe you pay for his travel and 100 percent of his expenses and he still wants more. Does he pay for food or dny bills?

Sorry for the typos.

This was for a specific purpose - to reimburse the trip which the OP had paid for, so it goes back into the OP's account as far as I am concerned.

But even if it had just been a gift, it's the OP's relative so it's the OP's gift. It's like an inheritance. What you do with it is up to you.

Since he is basically living for free, if he wants more spending money I suggest he gets a second job.

Nope if they're both working and one partner keeps all their earnings and the other pays for everything including holidays and their parent reimbursed them for their expenses for coming to see them, I think it's fine for that person to keep the money and do what they see fit with it regardless of gender. The other person has their entire wage and no expenses to do whatever they like with, so it isn't like op is financially abusing them. Op isn't stopping her partner from getting a better job, if he wants more money he can go earn it and maybe start contributing to the household

The relative gave the money to cover the trip, so presumably it’s gone back into the travel pot (or however you budget) so there’s no additional money to spend in my eyes? That’s not about a yours/mine mentality as a lot of posters seem to be insinuating as I’m assuming the next spend from the travel pot will cover both of you, it’s about budget allocation.
Is he a bit shit with money generally @Dexysmidnightstroller? It sounds like if you didn’t control the finances he’d have no pension or savings! I have a friend like this, they know they are a financial liability so have agreed with their OH that they have no ability to spend beyond a certain limit and all the essentials are done as salary sacrifice otherwise they’d just spend it all on day 1.

I pay for big things in our marriage like holidays and cars. I want 3 or 4 times DH and whilst I’m not bothered he didn’t want to feel like he was taking “my money” if we pooled it all so we split it in a way that suits us. It’s not that hard to work out.

Thats some CF loser you having living off you OP.
Be very very careful.
Fool me once and all that!

Absolutely great until the man leaves with all the money as per 10 million previous posts in this very website

You would be raging if money given to cover the cost of a trip replenished the savings account the trip money came from, therefore covering the cost of the trip?
Shared finances doesn’t mean everything is split in half and spent. What a weird outlook.

He's had his little treat. A free holiday. All that's changed is who paid for it for him. He's now asking you for money to treat himself again.

If the intent of the gift giver was to pay for the trip then it's not unreasonable that you get to decide where that money goes now it's generously been given back.

That being said, if it were me, I'd think of the money being spent and being gone. If it were gifted back, I'd view it as "different money" and probably share. That's why I'm poor though.