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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To sack my bridesmaid

167 replies

smurfgirl · 16/06/2008 23:08

Am getting married in October, is big white wedding etc.

I asked one of my friends to be a bridesmaid ages ago, probably too long ago really.

TBH since I asked her she has been a pain in the bum, never excited, always whinging about things, never really interested in making an effort.

Anyway I got this e-mail today:

I've invited a friend to the night time do, as I'm going to feel quite uncomfortable in amongst a load of couples eating face. That way I'll have someone to talk to and you won't have to pay for an extra meal. I'm quite bothered that the only people at your wedding that I know will be couples and that I'm going to feel quite isolated.

Some issues:

its 4 months before our wedding, she has never mentioned this before!
we are not having extra evening guests and this is part of our package
she is telling me - not asking me in this e-mail
she knows a lot of young people at the wedding, not all of whom are couples
we have only invited couples who have been together for 1+ years, nobody has a plus one for someone we do not know or that they are not in a serious relationship with

I rang her and explained this calmy, reassuring her that I would make sure she was ok but that she could not just invite someone we did not know to a wedding we have had a pretty strict guest list for. She had a massive strop - told me how expensive this wedding was for her, she has to pay for the hotel and travel there (we are paying for her dress, shoes, flowers, jewellery, tiara, makeup, hair being done etc). Then she hung up on me.

DP was pretty pissed off with her at this point, and I was so upset. So I just decided no more and he texted her saying that if she could not suck it up for one night in a friendly environment where she knows lots of people she really should not come.

I am not sad really, she is so unbelievabley difficult.

OP posts:

3littlefrogs · 16/06/2008 23:12

Why are you friends with her? She sounds awful.

It is an honour to be asked to be a bridesmaid.

TBH you are probably better off without her spoiling your wedding.

So sorry you have had to put up with this.

It is your wedding, your special day, there must be someone who would be thrilled to step in and be a proper bridesmaid?

cat64 · 16/06/2008 23:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

handlemecarefully · 16/06/2008 23:20

bin her, right now!

Original poster

smurfgirl · 16/06/2008 23:23

Oh yes. My lovely fabulous mate is coming to the bridal shop tomorrow to see if she can get into ex-bridesmaids dress

She is very excited and pleased to be my bridesmaid and I am THRILLED.

I have one other lovely bridesmaid who has been really supportive and helpful - lots of 'well its not what I would pick but its your wedding so whatever you want' stuff, she is really excited for the wedding.

OP posts:

DirtySexyMummy · 16/06/2008 23:23

Agree that she is being unreasonable, she should have asked you, not told you.

Can I ask - why are you only +1ing to people who have been in their relationship for more than a year? And how are you determining whether or not peoples relationships are 'serious'?

I presume your friend is single?

LoveMyGirls · 16/06/2008 23:24

Cant say I blame you.

BreeVanDerCampLGJ · 16/06/2008 23:25

I was all prepared to come on and see a Bridezilla post.

She is a cancer, cut her out now whilst you still can.

She will eat away and chip away at your lovely day until she gets what she wants.

Flibbertyjibbet · 16/06/2008 23:28

'we have only invited couples who have been together for 1+ years, nobody has a plus one for someone we do not know or that they are not in a serious relationship with'

....

Even your bridesmaid can't bring an escort/guest? You take it upon yourself to invite couples only if their relationship meets your standard of seriousness?? Is this a new type of wedding as I've never heard of that before.

I bet your friend is really relieved to be sacked. I'm sure I would be.

windygalestoday · 16/06/2008 23:32

i do think it sounds a bit control- freaky it also sounds as if you dont want her to be bridesmaid and havent for some time i think you should have allocated a spce for her guest tbh.

i thought that the night part was easy going and just a relaxing evening after the formalities of the afternoon,how will you count whose in and invited and whose not? doorstaff?

TheFallenMadonna · 16/06/2008 23:38

Um. I think she should be allowed to bring a guest. Sorry.

Original poster

smurfgirl · 16/06/2008 23:42

We have limited numbers and no extra evening guests, frankly we cannot afford £50 for people who have been dating for a month or so. Everyone coming is a good friend or family.

All of my friends are either single or in serious relationships so the call of who to invite +1 has been a very easy one. All of our friends are early 20s and everyone invited knows someone, in fact everyone invited knows a group of people there!

Off the top of my head my ex bridesmaid knows around 20 people invited to the wedding - many of whom are invited alone without a plus one, and whom she has known for over 6 years - these people are not strangers to her at all.

If she had asked before now we could have discussed it but I object to being told by someone who has made it clear that this wedding is a big hassle for her that she will bring someone, as none of the people there are good enough for her?

OP posts:

Original poster

smurfgirl · 16/06/2008 23:46

Just had a quick look at guest list we have around 15 people who she knows coming alone.

We just can't afford 15 extra random people we do not know, and nobody else has complained - in fact nobody else who is single has expected to bring someone because they know loads of people going!

OP posts:

BreeVanDerCampLGJ · 16/06/2008 23:50

smurfgirl

Stop justifying yourself.

DirtySexyMummy · 16/06/2008 23:52

How on earth is it going to cost you £50 per person for the evening do?

What the hell are you having there?

Original poster

smurfgirl · 16/06/2008 23:52

No I mean I do understand what people are syaing, it would be unfair to invite someone without a plus one if they did not know anyone and we were not limited on numbers but she does which is why I was so upset (she was quite nasty on the phone as well tbh).

But new lovely bridesmaid will be fabulous and enjoy the day!

OP posts:

Flibbertyjibbet · 16/06/2008 23:53

Hmm well its not such a big white wedding is it then if you are having to be so stingy about your guest list.

Will you put a thread on again after you've sent out the official invitations nearer the date and tell us how many of these single people are still attending when they realise they can't bring anyone? If I was told by the bride to be that I was invited to her wedding I would fully expect that come the official invite, I'd be able to bring a guest. Or will your invites say 'dear singleton. We would like to invite you to our big white wedding. Do not bring a guest, your new boyfriend or anyone else. No exceptions.'
Because this 'no +1 rule' is a new one on me and I think you'll have to spell it out to people.
Also, what if someone is with a new boyfriend NOW but its MR Right and by the time of your do they are engaged/married/parents to be. Would that be 'serious enough' and will you bump someone else off the list to make room?

Original poster

smurfgirl · 16/06/2008 23:54

No evening do - everyone is coming, all day long, church, wedding breakfast, disco, bacon butties in the evening - nobody extra because we wanted a small (hah) wedding with only close friends and family where we knew everyone coming well! We are paying £50 per head for this package - on the basis that nobody extra comes.

OP posts:

Anglepoise · 16/06/2008 23:54

It's actually pretty common these days just to invite partners if they're living together/engaged/going out more than six months or any other arbitrary test. I don't particularly like it but I kind of understand it.

It's out of order for her to tell you she's bringing someone but tbh I would have plus oned my bridesmaid anyway.

Actually, I plus oned all my single guests - do I get a prize?

BreeVanDerCampLGJ · 16/06/2008 23:54

Smurfgirl

Walk away...

StarlightMcKenzie · 16/06/2008 23:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

smurfgirl · 16/06/2008 23:56

I have discussed it with everyone single coming and everyone is absolutely fine with it because they understand that at some point we have to say this is who is coming and thats finite.

I was invited to a wedding without my dp when we had been together 3 months, I knew he was 'the one' but i respected that they did not know him and it was a new relationship and I could cope without him for one day when I was with friends!

Would you honestly expect a +1 at a wedding where you were GOOD FRIENDS with around 20 guests there? Really?

OP posts:

Anglepoise · 16/06/2008 23:56

Oh, and I've never ever been plus oned by any of my friends, even when I'd been seeing someone for a couple of years for one wedding and I was a bridesmaid (and paid for my own dress!). He was a loser though, so perhaps the bride was right

TheFallenMadonna · 16/06/2008 23:56

Oooh - not stingy Flibertywotsit.

Bit uncalled for I think.

Sorry smurfgirl.

DirtySexyMummy · 16/06/2008 23:57

Seriously smurf - I would make sure everyone knows as if I got an invite I, like flibbery, would presume it to be a +1.

If the night time do is not separate, then why has your bridesmaid only invited her guest for that part? Does she not know how the wedding is going to work?

Maybe if you explained it to her, she would be more understanding?

Original poster

smurfgirl · 16/06/2008 23:58

Oh this is so stupid everyone else has been happy with my plans, I have been really open with everyone about restrictions and nobody has had a problem apart from her. I am not a mean cow at all, I am just trying to plan my wedding within our budget and without ending up inviting loads of people I don't know.

OP posts:

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