To sack my bridesmaid

[smurfgirl]

Am getting married in October, is big white wedding etc.

I asked one of my friends to be a bridesmaid ages ago, probably too long ago really.

TBH since I asked her she has been a pain in the bum, never excited, always whinging about things, never really interested in making an effort.

Anyway I got this e-mail today:

I've invited a friend to the night time do, as I'm going to feel quite uncomfortable in amongst a load of couples eating face. That way I'll have someone to talk to and you won't have to pay for an extra meal. I'm quite bothered that the only people at your wedding that I know will be couples and that I'm going to feel quite isolated.

Some issues:

• its 4 months before our wedding, she has never mentioned this before!
• we are not having extra evening guests and this is part of our package
• she is telling me - not asking me in this e-mail
• she knows a lot of young people at the wedding, not all of whom are couples
• we have only invited couples who have been together for 1+ years, nobody has a plus one for someone we do not know or that they are not in a serious relationship with

I rang her and explained this calmy, reassuring her that I would make sure she was ok but that she could not just invite someone we did not know to a wedding we have had a pretty strict guest list for. She had a massive strop - told me how expensive this wedding was for her, she has to pay for the hotel and travel there (we are paying for her dress, shoes, flowers, jewellery, tiara, makeup, hair being done etc). Then she hung up on me.

DP was pretty pissed off with her at this point, and I was so upset. So I just decided no more and he texted her saying that if she could not suck it up for one night in a friendly environment where she knows lots of people she really should not come.

I am not sad really, she is so unbelievabley difficult.

Could this be MNs' first official case of bridesmaidzilla?

see , now we have hit "bitter, twisted and toxic" I have begun to get curious about bridesmaids version of events..
if she were this selfish screaming harridan why would she be asked to be bridesmaid in the first place...or has she developed some type of overnight personality disorder

If you kick someone for long enough I always perversly start to want to support them. Is that odd?

I think the clue is that they are your "guests" and that they have been invited and once you have made your arrangements trying to take all needs into account where possible, if they dont enjoy it and as long as you do then tough !

I don't get "bitter, twisted and toxic" from the email in the OP TBH.

I do get a bit needy, and yes, perhaps a bit jealous, but blimey...

I've never ever heard of a 'plus one' at a wedding anyway. What a dreadful idea. As long as the bride and groom look after their guests and make sure everyone knows someone or is placed near to someone easygoing and friendly, what's the big deal?

Actually, come to think of it, I've never received a 'plus one' invitation to anything. It's been for named people only.

I just think it's rude to expect to bring a stranger along to someone else's wedding.

Invitations are a two-way thing. Anyone is perfectly entitled to invite the people they choose, and not a person more. Equally, anyone who is invited is entitled to decide they won't go because of any or no particular reason. You get the invitation, you look at the 'terms', you decide whether or not to go, you accept or decline gracefully. No recriminations on either side.

Last wedding I was at where they had "plus ones" I got chatting to a two of them assuming they were in relationships with the people they were with (who I had known years ago): a woman who revealed that "oh I am not seeing X, he is just a colleague and had nobody else to go with", and a man who had been invited along to the wedding by someone he met in a pub the previous week.

They seemed very nice but the bride and groom paid for meals for absolute strangers whom they would never meet again. I suspect that some people took the "plus one" as an instruction and thought it obligatory to bring a guest! Or at least that they would lose face if they did not.

Well, like I said, I (very happily) paid for a meal for a friend who would know no-one else at our wedding. I didn't put "plus one" on the invitation. I asked her if she would like to bring a friend, she said she would, so I invited the friend too.

I had a designated plus one for my small wedding and was mightily peeved to get an RSVP from one of my DH's friends saying - I will be bringing a guest. There was a group of relatives that we'd not been able to invite for budgetary reasons and yet we had to entertain a random bird (they're not together anymore). DH too nice spineless to do anything about it.

I was a stand-in bridesmaid for a friend whose original bridesmaid had a strop over nothing and they havent spoken since. She didnt have to sack her as this girl has never spoken to her since the falling out! I had a brilliant time however!

We too were very limited on numbers at our wedding and like you, people came all day - there was not a separate evening do. This meant that not only did some partners not attend (those we did not know v well), neither did some of my friends whose weddings I went to. After relatives, we only had spaces for 10 friends each so it was just not possible. Almost everyone was very understanding.

You have the wedding you want and invite who you want!

I feel for you, what a drag, but having said that, weddings can be excruciating for some single people and there's nothing anyone can do about that. Of course some single people are wonderfully generous but not all. It's a question of whether you want to lose a friend over this or not. How much do you value her friendship?

Also I have to say, to play devil's advocate. Weddings can also be tyrannical in their own way with everyone obviously trying to please the bride (&sometimes groom) and it is sometimes a joyless experience for people who are feeling coerced into things they don't want to do.

My sister put me in a bridesmaid dress which you wouldn't put on your worst enemy. She's still ashamed of herself but her whole wedding was just such a festival of her saying me me me. My whole memory of the day is that she made me look ridiculous in public! Better to have ickle tiny flower girls and leave the adults to drink and be merry in appropriate clothes imho!!!!

All the best though, weddings usually lead to a few people chopped out of the address book!

I think you're within your rights

I hope your new friend fits the dress

BUT YOU HAVEN'T ACTUALLY GOT RID OF HER YET AND YOU REALLY SHOULD

what you said leaves it open to her, and she might still be expecting to come .. you need to tell her that you've found someone else to be bridesmaid and then decide whether she's invited or not

Thanks for all the replies.

I honestly believe that I have done everything I could to include both my bridesmaids in the planning, I have e-mailed pictures, checked everything before buying, ensured they had hotel booked (I reserved the cheapest rooms available for them) etc. Many e-mails showing my cake etc to ex-bridesmaid have been repled to with 'I am not sure really its ok I guess.' She was incredibly difficult when chosing the dress ignoring everything I liked although we did finally find something she thought was ok (its a very simple, pale green strapless dress - very flattering style honest!)

I am upset I suppose about her saying the hotel is too much because she booked the room 2 years ago, and she has since worked full time as a teacher and now has a fairly well paid admin job whilst living at home. We are paying for the bridesmaids stuff ourself (although my parents and his are helping a lot with the wedding) and we don't have a huge amount of money - I am a student nurse and my dp's job whilst paying ok is just ok. And tbh had she said she was stuggeling to pay for the hotel we would have helped her out.

I asked her at a time when we were close, but she has been very difficult since then, she is very selfish, often dumps me in favour of new and more exciting friends. I was worried that on the day she would not like the hair or makeup or something because she is so fussy - but thats her and I know I sould respect that.

I don't believe that this is just my day - not at all, its a party for our friends and family to celebrate our relationship with us. BUT the guest list is our business and we have agonised over that tbh. My mum has told me off for trying to be too nice !

She e-mailed me today saying how unreasonable I was, and complaing that two mutual friends are having boyfriends with them (they have been with their boyfriends for over a year and I know their boyfriends!):

I would have thought that is would be better for you to have someone having fun and making the night enjoyable as opposed to someone snotting you (on your wedding day and ignoring you)The only thing I can think of is that you want me to feel uncomfortable as well and are being deliberately nasty. ( I hope this is not the case)

Stitch - I don't understand why you say the wedding will be painful?

Ho hum!

Smurfgirl,

Ditch her, I'd ditch her as a friend too in all honesty. She sounds utterly disinterested in you.

Also, ignore the ridiculous comments on here from people attacking your wedding just for the fun of it. Unfortunately bride-bashing is a bit of a mumsnet sport for some people. Just ignore them.

I hope you have a really lovely day.

I sent her this e-mail just now. I am so sad about how low an opinion she has of me

'I am sorry you feel like this, it is going to be a no, as I say both [bridesmaid] and [usher] have been with their partners for over a year now and I have met both, [usher's girlfriend] is DP's friend - he has known her for 2+ years I believe? Everyone invited we know personally.

We will not be having any additional guests in the evening. I am sorry you feel so uncomfortable surrounded by our friends, and have so little faith in me as a friend.

You are more than welcome to attend as a guest and we will be sending you an invite of course but at this point I think you would be unhappy as a bridesmaid and I would feel uncomfortable having you knowing how you felt about me. I am saddened that you feel I would in any way ignore you or try and make you feel isolated.

I really don't think I have been deliberately nasty or cruel to you. There are plenty of single people attending, and they are all absolutely lovely and friendly. I have some lovely family attending from Liverpool who will make you feel very welcome as well.

This is not personal at all, I have always valued your honesty and friendship, and I am so sad that this has happened.

This is in reponse to this e-mail:

I don't want to fall out with you over this, but i really feel that you are being unreasonable. You will, undoubtedly, have to fulfil bride duties, what ever you say as it is your wedding day and I don't see how 1 person in the night time is going to make any difference.

If [bridesmaid] has only been with her bfriend for a few months and [usher] for a year this is not long term and neither wa sit when they were asked. I would have thought that is would be better for you to have someone having fun and making the night enjoyable as opposed to someone snotting you (on your wedding day and ignoring you)The only thing I can think of is that you want me to feel uncomfortable as well and are being deliberately nasty. ( I hope this is not the case)

I'm not willing to subject myself to such a situation, as life's too short to even have one second feeling like shit.

If you don't want me to be bridesmaid, i would rather you just say so rather than have me subjected to this. i honestly can't think of any reason other than this for this situation. If this is the case, I would rather know sooner, rather than later.

I did consider you a good friend, however, i'm not sure I would treat my enemies with so little understanding, compassion and sensitivity.

i think there is a fine line between helping to make the bride and grooms day as special as possible and the bride being unreasonable.

I know of someone who was a bridesmaid and the bride insisted that the bridesmaid (who had just had a baby) must not b/feed on/during the day. (Not just during the service either - the whole day!)

I myself got mildly bridezilla-ey (ie i was pissed off but didnt say anything - just smiled sweetly and gave congratulations - I was happy for them after all)at a close relative announcing to everyone 3 days before our wedding that she was (5 weeks) pg. This would be the first time in years that the family were all together, and, I wanted this one day to be about me and not fussing over the newly pg woman. I felt the announcement could have waited until after the wedding. I've never had a huge party before, or an engagement party or such like. I wanted to be selfish for a day. I neednt have worried though, as it didnt happen like that but it peeved me all the same.

I know when my cousin married I was 12 weeks pg on the day of their wedding. I felt it better to wait until after their wedding as I didn't want to be seen to 'steal their thunder'.

I'm really waffling on now arent I?

Point is, I think it's fair for the bride and groom to decide who attends their wedding. That includes children - although I'd not attend one without my chidren invited tbh. I dont think its reasonable for a guest to decide to invite someone without discussing it with the bride or groom.

Smurf - on the basis of that email I'd withdraw the invitation for the entire thing - not just sack her.

She sounds very bitter. Let's face it - are you going to be in contact again after the wedding? I doubt it.

Cancel her off and try and get your money back.

"so little understanding, compassion and sensitivity"

This is emotional blackmail, you know that don't you OP?

It is not for her to invite people to your wedding. Full stop. Presumably when she accepted the invite to be bridesmaid she didn't caveat it with "only if I can bring someone". Why is she making all this fuss now?

I think your email is great. Don't let her bully you into getting her own way.

Plus - even if she isn't going to be bridesmaid, she's still going to be in the same situation of "being on her own" and "subjected" to loneliness.

Seriously, email her back and say, having pondered your comments at her perception of your treatment of her, you feel it would be in her interests and yours if she didn't come at all.

Why would you want her sour looking face there anyway? It'd be niggling at you all day and you know it.

I would take no further action until you hear from her again. But I would not have wanted a guest at my wedding who proposed "snotting" me on my wedding day and ignoring me.

And I would not be interested in maintaining a friendship with anyone who took such a bullying tone.

She had a boyfriend until 18 months ago, but frankly she hated him and tried to break up with him for months before they finally did. I absolutely understand she is nervous about coming along, but we are friendly people, I was planning on making sure she had lots of people round her all day.

I am quite saddened by her implication that if I don't allow her to bring a friend she will be snotty and moody in the evening! Lovely.

She comes accross as a self obsessed drama queen. Not worth wasting your energy on.

Message withdrawn

My other bridesmaid said on the phone last night:
'oooooh I am going to get sooooo drunk! and my room is at the hotel i can vomit and come back'

pure class my mates

interestingly everyone who has met ex-bridesmaid has said I have made a good decision, including my mum who is usually pretty good at playing devils advocate.

LOL! Nice.

Smurf - how are you going to feel with her there on the day? Honestly?

she wont turn up anyway i shouldnt think after all that. what a cow.

what on earth does 'snotting' you mean though? never heard that before!