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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To sack my bridesmaid

167 replies

smurfgirl · 16/06/2008 23:08

Am getting married in October, is big white wedding etc.

I asked one of my friends to be a bridesmaid ages ago, probably too long ago really.

TBH since I asked her she has been a pain in the bum, never excited, always whinging about things, never really interested in making an effort.

Anyway I got this e-mail today:

I've invited a friend to the night time do, as I'm going to feel quite uncomfortable in amongst a load of couples eating face. That way I'll have someone to talk to and you won't have to pay for an extra meal. I'm quite bothered that the only people at your wedding that I know will be couples and that I'm going to feel quite isolated.

Some issues:

  • its 4 months before our wedding, she has never mentioned this before!
  • we are not having extra evening guests and this is part of our package
  • she is telling me - not asking me in this e-mail
  • she knows a lot of young people at the wedding, not all of whom are couples
  • we have only invited couples who have been together for 1+ years, nobody has a plus one for someone we do not know or that they are not in a serious relationship with

I rang her and explained this calmy, reassuring her that I would make sure she was ok but that she could not just invite someone we did not know to a wedding we have had a pretty strict guest list for. She had a massive strop - told me how expensive this wedding was for her, she has to pay for the hotel and travel there (we are paying for her dress, shoes, flowers, jewellery, tiara, makeup, hair being done etc). Then she hung up on me.

DP was pretty pissed off with her at this point, and I was so upset. So I just decided no more and he texted her saying that if she could not suck it up for one night in a friendly environment where she knows lots of people she really should not come.

I am not sad really, she is so unbelievabley difficult.

OP posts:
TheFallenMadonna · 17/06/2008 17:21

I am bewildered at 'snot' as a verb...

Why did you ask her to be your bridesmaid smurfy?

Original poster
smurfgirl · 17/06/2008 17:21

Oh she won't come - I said that to be polite, she absolutely will not show up.

OP posts:
PollyPentapeptide · 17/06/2008 17:49

Smurfgirl
Could you point her in the direction of this thread
I think she will get the message loud and clear!

VeniVidiVickiQV · 17/06/2008 18:00

I wouldn't risk it though tbh!

There are polite ways of telling rescinding an invitation you know

From a personal point of view, I'd not want to let her think she's 'won' by not turning up. I'd like to be the one that took control and dealt with it. But, that's just me

JulesJules · 17/06/2008 19:57

Tell her to get lost. Definitively uninvite her. You don't really want some sourfaced cow blowing her nose all over you at your wedding do you?? (I assume that's what snotting means ) Just think of the photos...

Original poster
smurfgirl · 17/06/2008 19:58

She won't come I know her!

OP posts:
LittleBella · 17/06/2008 20:26

Blimey the wedding industry is spreading its tentacles. Not content with inventing bridezillas, now it's invented bridesmaidzillas.

Why don't men get so het up like this? You never hear of Groomzillas or grooms and their best men falling out.

Smurf you know you've done the right thing. She sounds like someone in need of serious help.

LittleBella · 17/06/2008 20:26

Blimey the wedding industry is spreading its tentacles. Not content with inventing bridezillas, now it's invented bridesmaidzillas.

Why don't men get so het up like this? You never hear of Groomzillas or grooms and their best men falling out.

Smurf you know you've done the right thing. She sounds like someone in need of serious help.

Fizzylemonade · 17/06/2008 20:26

Smurfgirl, your ex-bridesmaid is actually saying that she is incapable of having fun without inviting a particular friend, despite knowing many people who are attending your wedding. Is she 6 years old?

She is clearly mentally unstable, I think you should make her watch "27 dresses" for the next time she is asked to be bridesmaid

The film is a chick flick and not a very good one but the girl has been a bridesmaid 27 times in some hideous outfits. When asked why she puts herself through the humiliation of dressing in "themed" wedding outfits she replies that it is the bride's day and if that is what it takes to make her happy then she as a friend would do it.

I have been to several weddings where I have not known anyone and I had a whale of a time.

Stick to your guns, and then maybe you could shoot her with it

LittleBella · 17/06/2008 20:26

oops
sorry don't know why it did that

VeniVidiVickiQV · 17/06/2008 20:39

Actually - my DH has fallen out with his best man too (best man cocked up speech and chose to give up without barely saying a word, then left in the evening after cake cutting without saying a word to anyone).

It really wasnt an eventful wedding.....!

Hulababy · 17/06/2008 20:39

Sounds like you have made the right decision. This woman is not acting like a friend; so she doesn't fir the role of bridemaid IMO.

Your wedding, you are paying - you chose who is on the guest list! If people don't like it simple, they chose - come anyway, or decline the invite. You don't just invite a mate along!

TinkerbellesMum · 17/06/2008 20:55

LittleBella my SBIL said no children at his wedding and lost most of his family (20 grandkids) and his bestman! I think he and the bestman actually fell out about it IIRC. So yes, grooms and bestmen do fall out!

Elasticwoman · 17/06/2008 21:06

Having just read the OP, I think you handled it really well. It is her loss. Presumably she knew from the outset what her own financial responsibility would be. It is certainly NOT ok to invite some one to some one else's social event.

She doesn't have a leg to stand on.

catsmother · 17/06/2008 21:14

What an appalling, arrogant, self-centred, mean and nasty email to have sent you. She is accusing you of setting her up to have a "shit" time because you won't give in to her demands.

I'd say there's only one possible reply to that mail (.... I would say ignore it altogether, treat it with the contempt it deserves, but you don't want to risk her turning up and causing a scene and/or slagging you off to all the other guests) and that is "You are no longer welcome at my wedding. Now fuck off". Or leave the "fuck off" out if you don't want to stoop to her level.

I can't think of any possible excuse or explanation which would come close to justifying such mean-spirited bitching and therefore, sadly, I think you're going to have to accept that this "friendship" has run its course. A real friend would never tackle any concerns about hotel expenses or feeling "lonely" in the way she has.

clam · 17/06/2008 21:26

I think your wedding plans sound lovely - apart from the soon-to-be-ex bridesmaid. Your email was spot-on. Be glad that she's out of it. Get on and enjoy it, now!
Wouldn't mind coming along myself, actually, but only if I could bring a +1 to eat face with at the evening do.

mumeeee · 17/06/2008 21:55

YANBU. If you are invited to a weding you should not expect to bring a guest with you.

posieflump · 18/06/2008 07:13

'in this case SmurfGirl is paying for her dress, shoes, flowers, jewellery, tiara, makeup, hair being done etc

a very generous deal imo

very kind '

lol, that is what you are meant to do for your bridesmaid. If someone asked me to be their bridesmaid and then said I had to fork out for that little lot I would say no! A friend of mine is buying her bridesmaid's dresses and then asking for them back to sell on ebay How rude is that?!!

Flllight · 18/06/2008 07:38

It sounds like it has got entirely out of proportion, initially she was prob fed up that the other bridesmaid and usher got to bring their partners despite their relationships not fitting your criteria - but then I guess you'd have invited hers had she had a partner, if she was a bridesmaid.

She sounds really, really awful though and using the phrases she does I think I'd find it very hard to put up with her on the most basic level. Let alone understand what she was on about!

Sack her as a bridesmaid but also a friend. What a cow.

jammi · 18/06/2008 08:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

arfishy · 18/06/2008 08:15

I think this can work both ways. A bridesmaid might not truly understand how complicated and costly it is to organise a wedding and how much work goes into planning tables, and dresses and EVERYTHING and how important numbers are at the end of the day. They should though, if they are part of the wedding preparations and supporting the bride, even if they're just there to flick through magazines and catering brochures etc, you soon understand what's involved.

Conversely brides can get very 'me,me,me' and can't see beyond the day. I was chief (oh yes!) bridesmaid and had to fly in from overseas for fittings, pay for the dress, shoes, bag, flights (from said distant location) to Italy for the hen weekend, flights to the wedding, etc, etc, etc and she didn't ever acknowledge that it cost me a lot of time and money to support her or thank me. I never complained and was there for her throughout, because as people say, it is an honour, but it was a very expensive, time-consuming business, and I was left with an outfit that cost ££££ that I never wore again. She was also infuriatingly smug about getting married and frequently pointed out her superiority to me on that basis (since then I have turned down 3 proposals because I don't want to be married) because marriage is was very important to her.

Beetroot · 18/06/2008 08:34

SG - how exciting that your wedding is creeping up on you - I remember the first time you arrived on MN

She sounds awful and make sure you politely sack her and move on. Sadly we do lose friends along the way.

YOu seem to have done everything in your power to accomodate her and her whims and actually this is about you - celebrating you and your partner. You have tried to make everyone happy and if she cannot be then let her go -

looking forward to some photos

My bridesmaid drank too much Pimms and fell asleep in her lunch (she was 3 and her father didn't know there was any alcohol in the Pimms!!!)

ScottishMummy · 18/06/2008 10:19

tbh my opinion is plan your wedding how YOU wish and dont financially stretch or get stressed by etiquette or so called rules

regards selling the bridesnmaid dresses - Very astute. canny why would a bridesmaid need to keep the dress anyway?

popsycal · 18/06/2008 10:29

i think - your wedding and you can invite who you like - even if she knoows no one

upp to her to attend or decline

sarahsails · 18/06/2008 11:33

I thought the point (well obviously not the only point) of being a single bridesmaid at a wedding is so you can get off with all the single men (traditionally the best man). Why is she moaning? She might have met her soulmate!