To sack my bridesmaid

[smurfgirl]

Am getting married in October, is big white wedding etc.

I asked one of my friends to be a bridesmaid ages ago, probably too long ago really.

TBH since I asked her she has been a pain in the bum, never excited, always whinging about things, never really interested in making an effort.

Anyway I got this e-mail today:

I've invited a friend to the night time do, as I'm going to feel quite uncomfortable in amongst a load of couples eating face. That way I'll have someone to talk to and you won't have to pay for an extra meal. I'm quite bothered that the only people at your wedding that I know will be couples and that I'm going to feel quite isolated.

Some issues:

• its 4 months before our wedding, she has never mentioned this before!
• we are not having extra evening guests and this is part of our package
• she is telling me - not asking me in this e-mail
• she knows a lot of young people at the wedding, not all of whom are couples
• we have only invited couples who have been together for 1+ years, nobody has a plus one for someone we do not know or that they are not in a serious relationship with

I rang her and explained this calmy, reassuring her that I would make sure she was ok but that she could not just invite someone we did not know to a wedding we have had a pretty strict guest list for. She had a massive strop - told me how expensive this wedding was for her, she has to pay for the hotel and travel there (we are paying for her dress, shoes, flowers, jewellery, tiara, makeup, hair being done etc). Then she hung up on me.

DP was pretty pissed off with her at this point, and I was so upset. So I just decided no more and he texted her saying that if she could not suck it up for one night in a friendly environment where she knows lots of people she really should not come.

I am not sad really, she is so unbelievabley difficult.

What if she doesn't want to be a bridesmaid at all and doesn't know how to say it?

Why are brides so incredibly selfish? Why doesn't it matter how other people feel?

I sometimes think lots of women are generous for their whole lives and suddenly make up for all of it over 'her special day' hang everyone else's feelings!

No offence to the OP but I do feel for this woman. Everyone's feelings should matter, not just the bride's!

Also, why have adult bridesmaids? Why not just have little children or nothing? What are adult bridesmaids for?
I hated every minute of it! My sister made me look atrocious and I felt ridiculous. Wish I'd said no but we were too young and I fell for the whole Bridal Tyranny thing!

I got another nasty e-mail today accusing me of being selfish and she sent another one to a mutual friend saying how horrid I was being.

I replied just saying I was sorry she felt like that and that I hope everything goes well for her.

ipanaema girl I want adult bridesmaids because its my wedding and I want them!

Thanks for all the honest feedback given here, I genuinely do feel that I have been as nice as I can, its my special day but its also expensive and probably inconvinent for other people and I should keep that in mind!

Beetroot - I can't believe its nearly here and I am actually marrying him

first of all you are well rid, but it shouldn't have really been costing her anything.
but inviting a mate? no way. tell her not to bother coming

smurfgirl I'm with you all the way. We also had a small do as that was all we could afford which meant very few 'plus ones'. No-one assumed their boyf / girlf was invited so I wouldn't worry about these posters' dire warnings of uninvited folks turning up . I think you've been civil about it and this 'friend' has been presumptious, stroppy and lacking in manners. Enjoy your day

im not getting married ever But thats because im inherantly selfish and would wince at the thought of spending money on loads of people who you feel duty bound to invite. Cousins, aunts, etc who you wouldnt give the time of day to unless they were "family". Sorry, completely different issue. I think there is so much pressure for everything to be perfect, im surprised anyone gets married at all.

We didn't +1 for our single guests. They weren't in relationships, so I would rather invite twice as many single friends than half with random guests. Everyone understood an no complaints at all. We were quite young, so no expectations amongst them about how they should be treated on our day. Most were just pleased with the free food, booze and part

Your wedding, your choice. Why pay for 50 plus ones you don't know when you could have 50 extra friends?

She sounds like a cow.

As an aside, I notice from you profile you don't have kids. How come you use mumsnet? Not being funny or anything, just curious as to what attracted you.

This is why I had a registery office do, a meal with four friends (two couples) and no dress code. My dress cost £165 and looked fantastic, the photos look fantastic and we had a great day. I used my dress as a bridesmaid dress for my friends wedding a year later so it didn't cost her much either. A true friend would not fuss in such a manner.

Any plus one thing or not as the case may be and children banning is fraught with danger in my opinion.

buntinglicious, my profile used to say I had no children even though I do. I think it's the default setting if you don't enter anything about your children.

It sounds to me like the ex-friend didn't particularly want to be a bridesmaid anyway and was just being arsey because she was too chicken to be upfront about it. The sniping is because her little plan to be quietly excused didn't work.
She sounds like hard work...

Fair enough Smurfgirl, it is your wedding and your special day of course but I think those of us lucky enough to be in happy relationships forget how painful weddings can be for the single, they can feel such a failure and it can even feel like a public display of one's non-success in your love life. A bit like in the states people who feel unsuccessful don't go to their high school reunions!

I just think that it's hard to say no to a bride in our culture without giving lifetime offence! Maybe she just would have liked to have said no, would rather not come at all even, but doesn't want to lose you as a friend?

In an ideal world we would all be hugely generous and all single people would be big hearted and go to weddings and just swallow how lonely they can be and how awkward.

But I really feel for those people who can't achieve that nirvana of generosity. I am now happily married and had a lovely wedding but god, I HATED going to weddings when I was single, I found them so unpleasant. I avoid them still like the plague unless they're particularly relaxed ones!

But honestly all the best to you for your day and I wish you well and I hope you don't have to lose a friend over it. We can all be difficult when we're suffering over something.

I don'l the same at all ipanema - I have no problem going to weddings as a single if I care for the people getting married. I'm going to share their celebration and am quite happy to do that on my own. If I don't care about the people, I don;t go, weddings just for the sake of some free food/booze are deathly dull.

But them I'm old enough to really not care two hoots about whther I have a partner or not at any social event. Perhaps I was different when I was younger I can't really remember.

ipanemagirl - I loved weddings when I was single. In fact I reckon I had more fun then because it is so easy to meet lots of interesting people when you are not part of a couple. If a bride's happiness had made me feel like a failure (it never did), that would still have been no excuse for bad behaviour.

Your only options when invited as a guest or asked to take part in a wedding are accepting with good grace and doing your best to enjoy yourself OR politely declining. Amateur dramatics and soap opera immitations do nobody any favours.

Absolutely - of course weddings are wonderful for everyone who's fine with their status single or not. When I've been happy - I've loved weddings. I just remember for a few years after one of the loves of my life dumped me and I found weddings (he was at many of them) totally grim and full of anguish. But I was in my unhappy 20s and not confident enough to say no to invitations to the weddings of brides I cared about

I'm only trying to argue for how powerless some of us have felt in the face of a bride in full sail! (Ahhh memories of my sister come flooding back and her tyranny over every living thing about Her Day). It's not always easy to decline a wedding, you have to have a cast iron excuse and some of us are not convincing enough liars. Or maybe we want to go and then realise later that we don't!

I'm just arguing for those for whom weddings suck! Not for anyone else!

From what I can tell, your bridesmaid has asked if she can have one friend to the evening do and you're getting wound up about it?

How are you going to 'make sure she was ok' - you're going to be the bride at your own wedding, you should not be going round making sure your bridesmaids are ok!!

I can't believe people are advising you to 'cut her out'. I think some of the people on this message board are a bit immature, sorry if that sounds bad, but it seems to me you are getting mightily stressed out by the wedding and the tiniest little thing is making you angry. Your bridesmaid just asked (ok, you said 'told' - are you sure she's really the ogre you're making her out to be?) if she can bring someone to the EVENING do. For gods sake get a grip, and don't let little things like this stress you out! Don't take all your wedding stress and lay it at one person's door, it's really not fair. Are you sure you shouldn't be taking your stress out on your future husband??!!

I just think to get wound up because one of your bridesmaids wants to bring a guest to the evening do is beyond pedantic. "We are not having evening wedding guests and that is part of our package".... you sound like Alan Partridge. Is anyone really going to bar one person from an evening wedding do? Don't you want your bridesmaid to have a good time at your wedding?

Why are you creating arguments with your bridesmaid? There must be an underlying reason for this. Be the big person, she is your mate and you will want her 'emotionally', (if not organisationally etc) on side. Have a great wedding and don't stress about stuff like this or you'll never enjoy the day!!

bunchoflowers - not sure you've read all of this - it really doesn't sound like the bridesmaid is much of a mate at all!