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AIBU?

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Original poster

To sack my bridesmaid

167 replies

smurfgirl · 16/06/2008 23:08

Am getting married in October, is big white wedding etc.

I asked one of my friends to be a bridesmaid ages ago, probably too long ago really.

TBH since I asked her she has been a pain in the bum, never excited, always whinging about things, never really interested in making an effort.

Anyway I got this e-mail today:

I've invited a friend to the night time do, as I'm going to feel quite uncomfortable in amongst a load of couples eating face. That way I'll have someone to talk to and you won't have to pay for an extra meal. I'm quite bothered that the only people at your wedding that I know will be couples and that I'm going to feel quite isolated.

Some issues:

  • its 4 months before our wedding, she has never mentioned this before!
  • we are not having extra evening guests and this is part of our package
  • she is telling me - not asking me in this e-mail
  • she knows a lot of young people at the wedding, not all of whom are couples
  • we have only invited couples who have been together for 1+ years, nobody has a plus one for someone we do not know or that they are not in a serious relationship with

I rang her and explained this calmy, reassuring her that I would make sure she was ok but that she could not just invite someone we did not know to a wedding we have had a pretty strict guest list for. She had a massive strop - told me how expensive this wedding was for her, she has to pay for the hotel and travel there (we are paying for her dress, shoes, flowers, jewellery, tiara, makeup, hair being done etc). Then she hung up on me.

DP was pretty pissed off with her at this point, and I was so upset. So I just decided no more and he texted her saying that if she could not suck it up for one night in a friendly environment where she knows lots of people she really should not come.

I am not sad really, she is so unbelievabley difficult.

OP posts:
llareggub · 17/06/2008 13:34

How funny.

Smurfgirl, I clicked on this thread and was shocked by your OP. I could have written the exact same scenario 5 years ago before my wedding. Honestly, almost every word. We even had the same sort of all day event with no additional evening guests.

I very firmly told my bridesmaid that it absolutely wasn't on for her to bring a plus one. She wanted to invite a friend who she knew vaguely. We are a very close knit group of friends and I had put her on a table of 10 single people who had known each other since childhood. I suspected she wanted this new friend to come because she fancied him.

Fast forward 5 years and said bridesmaid is planning her own wedding. How I laughed when she rang me to apologise for her behaviour 5 years ago. She now totally understands my perspective regarding plus ones and has had to make her own difficult decisions regarding guests. The fact that she has done it by banning children (including my own adorable toddler!) is a whole other thread!

Upwind · 17/06/2008 13:43

YANBU

It is your wedding, you honoured her by asking her to be bridesmaid and she has shown herself up as a brat. Sack the silly envious mare and move on.

Saymyname · 17/06/2008 14:05

Um, Llaregubb, what's the difference between not having plus ones and not inviting children?

I'm getting the impression you think one is ok and the other is not. In essence, they are the same thing - the guest list is dictated by the host and not the guests.

VaginaShmergina · 17/06/2008 14:12

Your wedding, you have who you want there, YANBU.

How dare she tell you she has asked somebody else, FFS how rude is that.

It is your special day and why should you have "occasional leg-overs" type guests at your special day.

To those who say how will you know who is invited...... der........ its coz you know them well !!! Not too obvious an answer is it ?

And yes "you take it upon yourself" to have who you like at your wedding, its your day and blow what everybody else thinks !

girlywhirly · 17/06/2008 14:14

Bride and Groom have absolute right to only invite who they wish to their wedding. Why should they invite people they don't know? And worse still, have them in their wedding photos? I'm amazed that people think they have a right to bring someone with them, and that the couple should fork out for strangers food and drinks.

Bridesmaid is badly jealous. Amazed anyone would want to accompany her anywhere. New bridesmaid will do the bride proud.

llareggub · 17/06/2008 14:15

I wasn't very clear, was I? I was being flippant. I really, really don't mind going without my son, which is why I used the term "adorable" as he is anything but during one of his tantrums.

But yes, actually I do think children of friends and family are different to strangers. In my case, the friend who is getting married is someone I have known since nursery. But yes, it is the prerogative of the host to decide on the guest list, I totally agree.

ManhattanMama · 17/06/2008 14:16

I think she sounds a bit nightmarish - if only for the fact she informed you she'd invited someone extra, rather than asking if it was OK. From her point of view, maybe she doesn't get along with the people she knows? Even so, this doesn't give her the right to add to your list of invites!

Am surprised people assume that an invite that's addressed to them means they can take a plus one?

Before I sent out the invites for our wedding, I emailed all my single friends asking them if they had a partner that I didn't know about who I should put on the invite. Anyone who didn't know anybody else automatically got a plus one, but otherwise we wanted it to be our "nearest and dearest", and it was! I didn't see why I should fork out 100 pounds plus for someone I've never met before to have a good time.

LilRedWG · 17/06/2008 14:17

I must admit I read the title and thought BRIDEZILLA, but having read your OP all I can think is BRIDESMAIDZILLA! She sounds evil and jealous - I'd be tempted to tell her to sling her hook.

VaginaShmergina · 17/06/2008 14:25

llareggub, my comments were not directed at you at all, sorry if you thought they were, they were more at the posters on the first page really.

We had little ones at ours but then our daughter was a bridesmaid so it was nice for her to have family around her.

If I had not of had children myself I may have opted for the no children wedding.

Can see both sides of the coin of the kiddies at weddings arguement.

llareggub · 17/06/2008 14:29

my post was directed at saymyname, not you, vagina!

ScottishMummy · 17/06/2008 14:30

SG congratulations on your impending nuptials it is meant to be a happy fun day, if she has potential to spoil it well frankly uninvite her for being a pita

Saymyname · 17/06/2008 14:31

Sorry llareggub, that makes sense, just weren't sure what you were implying

LazyLinePainterJane · 17/06/2008 14:34

Obviously, she is BU.

However, you should have been paying for her accommodation, you asked her to be bridesmaid, after all!

ScottishMummy · 17/06/2008 14:38

dont necessarily think SG should pay for her accomodation or travel. she is paying for bridesmaid dress etc

Upwind · 17/06/2008 14:44

Agree with ScottishMummy - if she had not been asked to be bridesmaid she would still have had to pay for accomodation and travel. Plus the extra expense of an outfit

ScottishMummy · 17/06/2008 14:50

it shocks me that guests just cant turn up, smile, eat/drink/dance (all at someone else expense) and be convivial for one day. after all you are present at what is suposed to be a fun happy occassion, and the world does not revolve around guests after all. sheesh just for once play nicely

not so hard is it!

posieflump · 17/06/2008 14:51

the hotel/outfit/present isn't at someone else's expense is it?

ScottishMummy · 17/06/2008 14:53

in this case SmurfGirl is paying for her dress, shoes, flowers, jewellery, tiara, makeup, hair being done etc

a very generous deal imo

very kind

jammi · 17/06/2008 15:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

GooseyLoosey · 17/06/2008 15:23

Very very similar thing happened to us with dh's best man. He acquired a new girlfriend a month before our wedding and (to be fair) asked if she could come.

We did not get married where we lived so we payed for the wedding party to stay at a b&b the night before and for everyone (it wasa small wedding) to stay the night of the wedding. One more person would have been a huge extra cost - we explained this and said if he was desperate for her to come, he could pay as we had no extra money left at all. He did. Looking back on it, it was a pretty mean thing to do but I was so enraged at the lack of consideration.

Years later at his wedding (not to the girlfriend invited to ours) everything was planned to the nth degree and this would not have been contemplated for a nanno second.

Anglepoise · 17/06/2008 15:34

Am I the only one who feels slightly uncomfortable about the "it's your day" POV? Surely as hosts you should be concerned about your guests having a good time, rather than vice versa?

GooseyLoosey · 17/06/2008 15:36

Don't agree - think your wedding is the one day in your life where you are entitled to be focused on yourself. Of course you should show consideration for your guests, but you don't have to go out of your way to accommodate them.

TheFallenMadonna · 17/06/2008 15:37

Sorry, but I am smiling a bit at the "it's your day" comments. Where are they on a child-free wedding thread? Or is this just attracting a different crowd?

Upwind · 17/06/2008 15:38

It is not possible to ensure that all guests have a good time. You will make yourself miserable if you try.

Much easier to do everything possible to ensure that you, as the host, have a wonderful time and the celebration goes well.

dannigirl · 17/06/2008 15:39

Smurfgirl,

You are "damned if you do, damned if you don't". She just sounds jealous, jealous, jealous!!!!!

I think you are in the right, I hope you have a great day You have tried to be gracious and thoughtful, she is bitter, twisted and toxic!!!

Don't buy into her bullshit, she is just attention seeking. Unfortunately some people cannot stand other people being happy, she sounds insecure.