Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To sack my bridesmaid

167 replies

smurfgirl · 16/06/2008 23:08

Am getting married in October, is big white wedding etc.

I asked one of my friends to be a bridesmaid ages ago, probably too long ago really.

TBH since I asked her she has been a pain in the bum, never excited, always whinging about things, never really interested in making an effort.

Anyway I got this e-mail today:

I've invited a friend to the night time do, as I'm going to feel quite uncomfortable in amongst a load of couples eating face. That way I'll have someone to talk to and you won't have to pay for an extra meal. I'm quite bothered that the only people at your wedding that I know will be couples and that I'm going to feel quite isolated.

Some issues:

  • its 4 months before our wedding, she has never mentioned this before!
  • we are not having extra evening guests and this is part of our package
  • she is telling me - not asking me in this e-mail
  • she knows a lot of young people at the wedding, not all of whom are couples
  • we have only invited couples who have been together for 1+ years, nobody has a plus one for someone we do not know or that they are not in a serious relationship with

I rang her and explained this calmy, reassuring her that I would make sure she was ok but that she could not just invite someone we did not know to a wedding we have had a pretty strict guest list for. She had a massive strop - told me how expensive this wedding was for her, she has to pay for the hotel and travel there (we are paying for her dress, shoes, flowers, jewellery, tiara, makeup, hair being done etc). Then she hung up on me.

DP was pretty pissed off with her at this point, and I was so upset. So I just decided no more and he texted her saying that if she could not suck it up for one night in a friendly environment where she knows lots of people she really should not come.

I am not sad really, she is so unbelievabley difficult.

OP posts:
BreeVanDerCampLGJ · 16/06/2008 23:59

WALK AWAY

Original poster
smurfgirl · 17/06/2008 00:00

She wanted me to make an exception because apparently me, her friends that she has known for 6 years are not good enough.

If I invited every single person +1 it would cost another £1000 in food, and we would not fit in the venue we booked 2.5 years ago.

OP posts:
BreeVanDerCampLGJ · 17/06/2008 00:03

WALK AWAY

Original poster
smurfgirl · 17/06/2008 00:03

I am, should not get sucked in!!

OP posts:
bigfatuglybitch · 17/06/2008 00:04

SACK HER

Anglepoise · 17/06/2008 00:04

Do you want to keep being friends with her?

If no, then sack her and walk away.

If yes, then she isn't asking you to plus one everyone, just her, who is (or was) apparently close enough to you for you to ask her to be BM. I think most people would appreciate that BMs get stuff that the "normal" guests don't get (like getting to see the bride in her pants before the service ). She has also arranged it so that it's not costing you anything (assuming you're having a paying bar) - though she should have asked not told you and tbh it's slightly weird someone should want to come to a stranger's wedding.

DirtySexyMummy · 17/06/2008 00:05

I think this is weird.

If one of my friends were only able to afford a small wedding, and therefore myself and all our other friends (other than the ones in long term relationships) were going as singles, I would not for a second think to invite someone else along. Why would she want to do this?

Is the person she has invited just a friend? Could it maybe be a new partner, but she didn't want to say unless you refused on the grounds that it was a new partner?

sallystrawberry · 17/06/2008 00:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BreeVanDerCampLGJ · 17/06/2008 00:06

WALK AWAY

You know that this could manifest itself weeks down the line, with no apparent connection.

WALK AWAY

DirtySexyMummy · 17/06/2008 00:06

Anglepoise - I don't think it is weird to go to a strangers wedding - plenty of people go along as partners to peoples weddings they have never met.

Anglepoise · 17/06/2008 00:12

DSM True, but I think going as a friend is a bit odd. Re your other post, the BM presumably thinks it's fine as it's not going to cost the bride any cash. It is a bit odd but then maybe this is the first wedding she's been to? Ours was the first one that most of DH's family had been to as adults (and we're relatively old!).

ZacharyQuack · 17/06/2008 00:12

FWIW I don't think YABU. It's your wedding and your budget and bridesmaids are supposed to be good friends that support the bride (and groom). I agree with your DP, if she can't suck it up for one night, she's not the best person for the job.

It sounds like you've got an excellent replacement, and four months prior to the wedding is enough time to let the dust settle.

Now walk away!

Tortington · 17/06/2008 00:15

initial twattish behaviour from her

and yes you are right -she should have sucked it up

yes again you are right to put foot down

but
"(we are paying for her dress, shoes, flowers, jewellery, tiara, makeup, hair being done etc"

as you should! its your wedding

and you should also recognise that it is expensive for her.

that said,you are 100% correct your friend is a twat.

DirtySexyMummy · 17/06/2008 00:15

Why is going as a friend a bit odd? I went to my friends brothers wedding, she was the BM. She has no partner, so took me as her guest. I had ever met any of her family, I didn't know anyone else there (I knew everyone by the end though ) Is that weird?

Smurf - have you told her she is 'sacked'? What did she say?
I hope things go smoother for you from now on anyway

Saymyname · 17/06/2008 10:18

Oh lovely, more bride-bashing courtesy of Mumsnet.

Smurfgirl - ignore the people on here who are trying to tell you how your wedding should be.

You have a lovely day, you don't need a friend like her around. Her email is so childish, "eating face", what a brat.

I really hope your lovely mate fits the dress.

Have a great day

MascaraOHara · 17/06/2008 10:28

You've done the right things Smurfgirl. Enjoy your day and the run up to it.

She sounds pretentious

Saymyname · 17/06/2008 10:30

I also meant to say - that email smacks of classic single-friend jealousy. If she can't be happy for you you don't need her in your life.

Twinkie1 · 17/06/2008 10:31

I think it is rude and presumptious all this +1 nonsense - why would someone want a +1 at their wedding supping up lots of free booze or getting in on photos when they have never met them?

I had 3 people not come to my wedding because I said they couldn't bring a +1 (all younger cousins who flit in and out of relationships)and to be honest I didn't care one bit - we had a great time without them.

You do what you want Smurfgirl, I think you are being decent and honest and she is being a cow.

MrsTittleMouse · 17/06/2008 10:36

I always thought that the +1 thing was american. I've never seen it at british weddings. If you are in a serious relationship, then fair enough. Although I had the opposite problem as SIL didn't want to invite me to her wedding when DH (then DBF) and I had been together for two years! She said that it wouldn't last. Everyone knows that guest lists are very difficult.
And if she couldn't afford to pay for the transport and hotel etc. then she should have told you at the time and given everyone time to bow out gracefully.

lubyluby · 17/06/2008 10:41

smufrgirl - i totally understand your predicament. weddings are expensive and if you allow your bridesmaid to bring a guest then you have to allow the other single guest to bring a plus one.

i was recently invited to awedding whereby the bride and groom have known me for 5 years and my dh and children for 3 years, but i was the only one invited to the wedding for all day, dh and the children were not invited to nay of it. i was shocked at thsi but respected thier decision and unfortunatley i ahd to decline the invitation as we were invited as a fmaily to another wedding on the same day. i was disapointed to not attend my friends wedding but it was thier decision.

HeadFairy · 17/06/2008 10:42

Maybe I'm a bit odd, but I wouldn't dream of inviting a friend to a wedding I was invited to, even if I didn't know anyone. It's a wedding ffs not a job interview, everyone's going to have had a few drinks and they will talk to you, it's not like you have to sit in the corner with a big fat S for singleton above your head! I've been to so many weddings (almost 50 now and counting) and the largest part have been when I was single and quite a few of those I knew very few people. I think your friend is a pain and you did the right thing.... listen to bree and don't get worked up about your decision, you made the right one.

stitch · 17/06/2008 10:45

the bridesmaid is bu.
however to be honest, i think your entire wedding plan sounds sooo painful. its going to cost a lot of people a lot of money.
is it all going to be worth it?

BecauseImWorthIt · 17/06/2008 10:45

Since when did a formal invitation to a formal occasion mean you could bring along anyone that you fancied? Invitations are and have always been to the people specified on the invitation.

You may choose to put + 1, but it's something that should never be assumed.

Smurfgirl - you are absolutely right to sack her as she is clearly not behaving like a good friend should. And she should be doing it for you and celebrating your day.

(The only thing I would take issue with is that you're not paying for her hotel/travel - if she's been asked to be a bridesmaid then you should be covering the cost of her whole day. But that's a minor issue and not the real point of this thread).

Walk away and find someone who is prepared to share in your day.

HeadFairy · 17/06/2008 10:47

Oh and I agree about only inviting serious partners, I got unfeasibly hacked off at dh's friend who begged to bring his girlfriend of five minutes ("she's the love of my life") and then split up just before the wedding. Now I know they didn't do it to piss me off, but you don't think rationally when it's your wedding do you? DH's friend is French so he went in to a major Gallic depression and didn't turn up either so we lost £300. Of course it can sound terribly shallow to get worked up about £300 but he was with a new gf ("she really is the love of my life!") five minutes after that! Oooh these passionate French lover types eh!! ;)

TheFallenMadonna · 17/06/2008 10:53

I "plussed one" a friend because I knew she didn't have a partner at the time and might like to bring a friend.

Different situation entirely though, as she didn't know anyone else apart from DH and me.

I suppose I just don't get the bridesmaid thing. It often seems to end in tears. My sister dressed up in a long frock and force fed me champagne before we left the house. My mum, dad, sister, brother and I all walked down the aisle together. No real bridesmaids as such.

Although I always refer to my (adult) brother as my page boy...