To sack my bridesmaid

[smurfgirl]

Am getting married in October, is big white wedding etc.

I asked one of my friends to be a bridesmaid ages ago, probably too long ago really.

TBH since I asked her she has been a pain in the bum, never excited, always whinging about things, never really interested in making an effort.

Anyway I got this e-mail today:

I've invited a friend to the night time do, as I'm going to feel quite uncomfortable in amongst a load of couples eating face. That way I'll have someone to talk to and you won't have to pay for an extra meal. I'm quite bothered that the only people at your wedding that I know will be couples and that I'm going to feel quite isolated.

Some issues:

• its 4 months before our wedding, she has never mentioned this before!
• we are not having extra evening guests and this is part of our package
• she is telling me - not asking me in this e-mail
• she knows a lot of young people at the wedding, not all of whom are couples
• we have only invited couples who have been together for 1+ years, nobody has a plus one for someone we do not know or that they are not in a serious relationship with

I rang her and explained this calmy, reassuring her that I would make sure she was ok but that she could not just invite someone we did not know to a wedding we have had a pretty strict guest list for. She had a massive strop - told me how expensive this wedding was for her, she has to pay for the hotel and travel there (we are paying for her dress, shoes, flowers, jewellery, tiara, makeup, hair being done etc). Then she hung up on me.

DP was pretty pissed off with her at this point, and I was so upset. So I just decided no more and he texted her saying that if she could not suck it up for one night in a friendly environment where she knows lots of people she really should not come.

I am not sad really, she is so unbelievabley difficult.

When single, I have been invited to weddings "on my own" and also, sometimes, with a "plus one". Each time, I respected the wishes/budget/space constraints etc of the bride and groom and wouldn't have dreamt of asking if I could bring someone, let alone telling the bride that I was going to ! How bloody rude !

TBH, there have been occasions when I had no idea who to bring as a "plus one" and went on my own anyway. If you know the bride and groom it's extremely rare not to know anyone else at all, and it's easy to get talking to others by asking how they know the bride etc., and/or by homing in on close family and complimenting the B & G which always gets you off to a good start. Weddings are (most of the time) a feel good occasion and most people are happy to chat.

In your case, the woman clearly knows lots of people but seems to begrudge the whole affair. Yes - weddings can be very expensive for guests, but there is always the option to say no. I wonder if this tantrum was more about making you feel guilty at the expense she was incurring for a hotel than about another guest ?? Perhaps she was setting you up for a trade-off ?? ..... you pay for her hotel and travel, she "agrees" not to bring someone else (even though she had no right to bring them in the 1st place).

Whatever ..... I think you are well rid. Her attitude stinks, almost like she thinks you "owe" her one. If she was going to find travel & accommodation truly difficult, then she should have broached this with you tactfully. Comments about "couples eating face" are plain nasty and unnecessary and somehow denigrate your day before it's even happened. Perhaps she is fearfully jealous that you're getting married at all (and she isn't) ?

Wow, a whole new etiquette I have never ever come across in over 40 years of my life...do i get a prize for being the only person who has never heard of 'plus 1'?
What is the idea that single people aren't capable of going anywhere on their own? before I had a partner, of course I would expect to be invited places without requiring a social crutch! and it has never occurred to me to do anything other than invite single people on their own. If I know they have a partner then of course they are invited, but if not, then not. What is the big deal?

Find it very weird people would assume +1.... I barely even 'assume' my DH is invited to certain things when asked to dinner etc... by one of my best mates. I always check.

You can't +1 everybody!! Dear God!!

What you said, Elliott.....

absoloutely elliott
as a single woman I was amazingly capeable of attending all sorts of functions all on my own - even managed in the loo without moral support.

God I was fanatstic and didn't even realise.

But then my 5 year old daughter goes to activities clubs and stuff on her own. I must find a friend for her in future or she may grow up with a spine.

She sounds incredibly jealous of you Smurfgirl - all that nasty stuff about 'couples eating face' is because she is single and absolutely resents you for getting married. So she is punishing you by being angry and unreasonable and doing mad things like inviting strangers to your wedding. I think it's best that she isn't your bridesmaid. Who wants a resentful, jealous bridesmaid.
Stitch, why does this wedding sound 'painful' and 'expensive'? It sounds perfectly normal to me. Indeed rather generous. I approve of inviting everyone to the whole bash as it happens, instead of having first class and second class guests, which is what the whole 'you can come to the church but you can only come to the disco' thing sometimes smacks of to me.

I can see why the would-be-bridesmaid thought that one extra for the evening do wouldn't be a big deal (normally it wouldn't cost anything extra, weddings I've been to).
If I were her I'd feel put out about not able to bring a friend, but I wouldn't strop about it.
Sack her if you want to, but if you do, don't expect her to be a friend in the future.

YANBU - she sounds jealous.

She sounds a total PITA and your wedding sounds lovely to me, hope you have a good day.
As for this +1 business, some single people get a bit irritated at being asked to attend events (weddings or dinners or whatever) with a plus one because it implies that there is something wrong with being single: presumably you know your mates and know that the single ones are single - your tiresome friend hasn't actually said that she's got herself a partner, just that she wants to bring 'a friend' despite knowing loads of people.

And why were your couple guests be "eating face" all night ? Its a bloody wedding - not an orgy ?!

YANBU - your ex bm sounds like a jealous PITA. Hope the dress fits your new bm. Your wedding sounds lovely btw

I should have sacked my bridesmaid. You will regret it if you don't. Ours was not even a very formal wedding but even then she managed to be a PITA. 12 years later and thinking back on it all it still makes me seethe.

It is your day and you should do as you please.

You did the right thing in sacking her. She sounds like a twat.
Your wedding sounds lovely.
I wouldnt dream of taking someone with me to a wedding unless it specified plus 1 either.

Never heard of 'plus 1' - what a weird idea!

I had a friend like this, she was single and really rude about couples. I asked her to be my bridesmaid as we had been really good friends for years. But in the year between me asking her and the wedding our relationship really deteriorated. We both agreed it would be better for her not to be a bridesmaid (it was actually her idea to pull out, but I went along with it). She still came along to the wedding.

I'm so glad she wasn't a bridesmaid, she had face like thunder all day, was rude to numerous friends, spent the day making weird comments like "well, I'm not one of these people who has boyfriends. I don't need a partner to be happy" apropos of literally nothing. She upset a lot of people very close to me.

I saw her for what she truly was that day and haven't been in touch since.

(btw - I did offer her a plus-one, I thought she might feel more secure and less bitchy if she had someone with her, but she declined it).

I can kind of understand why she might be worried about being one of very few single people at a wedding full of couples.

I am also going to be in that situation in August and it does bother me, but I would never in a million years dream of demanding that I bring a guest or anything.

I really do not understand why people agree to be bridesmaid if they are going to argue the toss with the bride over stuff like this.

My mates sister is a bridesmaid with me, and she has been hell, disagreeing with every single thing so far.

Anyway in answer to OP, no YANBU.

Sack her. She could quite possibly ruin your day with her attitude, and as your bridesmaid, she is supposed to be there for you - this day is all about you and your DH.
Also, I would never assume that an invitation to a formal occasion implied a +1 unless it specifically said so, in fact I think it's really weird to assume that. Whatever size the wedding is, everyone has a budget, limit on numbers and seating plans etc.

She had a very ungracious tone to her e-mail. I agree YANBU.

oer - this reminds me of about ten years ago when i was asked to be a bridesmaid and said no. These things are never as black and white as you may think.

its not exactly the same but one of the reasons the i felt uncomfortable about it was the dh was not nice to me, his friends were a bit weird and my friend hardly saw me any more. I just did not want to go. When I read the op and the fiance texted that nasty text to the bridesmaid it made me think that maybe she has good reasons to want someone to go with her and feels uncomfortable about it all.

Waffling on, but my point is if the bride is such a good friend has she tried to see it from the bridesmaid point of view? its all a bit sad it has come to this, but if you want to stay friends maybe cut her a bit of slack?

You go smurfgirl.

Glad to hear that everyone is invited to the whole day. THen you don't have to have an argument over who is an A list or B list friend.

At the end of the day its your wedding! Sounds very logical to me, not to invite people you don't know so that you can invite more of your close friends.

Lets face it she sounds a nightmare - you are well shot.

You are certainly not stingy - weddings cost a fortune and anyone who is a good friend would understand that you don't have bottomless pockets.

What is it with people assuming that they can bring a "+1" who the bride and groom don't even know and if they can't accused of being stingy!! Ffs it's THEIR wedding if they don't want unknown randoms turning up, it's up to them. if ANYONE who came to my wedding had assumed they could have a +1 I'd be livid!!

We had a situation at out wedding when we invited 15 or so singles without the extension of a +1. They all knew plenty of other people there we made sure of that. We didn't have the money or the space to invite partners we'd never met/didn't know because they'd only recently started seeing them. Even then we had a couple of texts saying "oh can't I just bring so and so they really want to come etc." Answer NO they're going to cost me an extra £50 which I don't have!!

It may be that the op is having a buffet for a certain amount of people in the eve. Extra people can push the cost up by several £100. I've been to loads of hen dos and events on my lonesome and hey, I'm an adult I make the effort and talk to people not whinge about not knowing anyone!!

Agree with custy!

Although with my neices who were bridesmaids, I did feel that for the effort that they (well, their mother) made to be there (ie not a lot), it narked me that she invited her boyfriend and his two teenage daughters without asking, and then insisted on turning up at our house on the day of the wedding with the two bridesmaids and her boyfriend and his two children, despite my saying that we didnt have room in the house for us all to get ready, plus a whole other family. Some people just take the piss quite frankly - like they are doing you a favour by being there. We've since fallen out hugely with SIL but that's a whole other story (except for the fact that SIL continues to be mental and drag any man who hangs around for more than a few hours into her 'dramas'). She's alienated herself from most of the family tbh.

I also vetoed my brothers now more serious girlfriend from our wedding.

My other brothers had girlfriends coming that I knew or had at least met at the time. He'd met this girl after invitations had been sent out. My DM then asked if he could bring her along because then he'd not be on his own.

I said no.

I'd never met her before, and if DB didnt have the decency to come and introduce her to me in the weeks prior to the wedding, then why should I accept a complete stranger at my wedding? It's not like he didn't know anyone there either!

VVQ we must put a stop to this people might talk...more

I know!