School refusing 3 days off for DS AIBU

[BaronPencil]

I suspect I am going to get flamed for this but I genuinely do not know what the right call is.

DS is 14, 15 in the summer, and he hates school. Not in a mild way, he actively resents it. Says it is pointless, says most of the boys mess about anyway but he gets picked up more because he answers back. There is probably some truth in that but he absolutely does not help himself.

He is basically on his last warning behaviour wise. We have had meetings with head of year and deputy head. They have used phrases like final chance, serious concerns about attitude, risk of not being invited back next year if there is no improvement. So yes, thin ice is putting it mildly.

Behaviour issues include:

Constant low level disruption
Talking when teacher is talking
Refusing to move seats when asked
Eye rolling and muttering under his breath
Not handing homework in repeatedly
Detentions for not turning up to detentions
Once told a teacher “this is why no one takes this subject seriously”

There was also an incident last year where he made some stupid misogynistic comments in class about girls being “too emotional” for leadership which got him into a huge amount of trouble. He swears he was joking but it was not funny and I was absolutely furious with him. School took it very seriously. Since then they have him firmly labelled as a problem child I think.

He is not SEN. There is no diagnosis, no learning issue. He just does not like being told what to do and he is not a straight A academic star which I sometimes think is what this particular school really values above everything else. He is capable of good grades but only when he feels like it which is not often.

The only area where he has ever been consistently positive is drama.

He got into acting at 12 through the school drama club. Completely by accident really, a friend dragged him along. He got a part in the school production and something just switched. Teachers were emailing saying how focused he was in rehearsals, how supportive of other cast members. It was like reading about someone else.

We then enrolled him in a local theatre group and he loves it. Properly loves it. He will practise accents in his bedroom, watch performances online, ask for feedback. It is the only thing he puts real effort into without being nagged.

Now he has been cast in a proper local theatre production. Rehearsals are evenings and weekends so that has not interfered with school at all.

But the performances include three weekday matinees in the last week before Easter holidays. So he would miss three full days right before they break up.

His attendance is currently 95 percent. But he is absolutely on his last warning behaviour wise.

I emailed school explaining the opportunity and asking if the absence could be authorised given it is a legitimate production and not just a random day off. I did mention that drama is the only area where he truly excels and that this could be positive for him.

Reply was very clear. No authorised absence for external activities. Policy is policy. If we keep him off it will be recorded as unauthorised absence and may be considered alongside his existing behaviour record.

I did ask whether there was any discretion given it is the last week before holidays and most of the academic content is winding down (yes I know that sounds dismissive). They said learning continues until the final day and expectations apply to all pupils equally.

DS’s view is blunt. He says acting is the only thing he is actually good at and the only reason he bothers trying at anything. He says if we make him miss it we are proving that school matters more to us than he does. He also says school already think he is a lost cause so what difference will three days make.

Part of me thinks he has not exactly earned special favours given his attitude. If anything he should be bending over backwards to show compliance right now not asking for time off. I can already hear people saying natural consequences and maybe that is fair.

But another part of me thinks if the one thing that genuinely motivates him is acting then why would we squash that, especially when school itself introduced him to it in the first place.

We pay a lot for this school because we wanted structure and high standards. I just did not anticipate feeling like the only area my son shines would be treated as irrelevant.

So AIBU to think they could show flexibility even though he is on his last warning and hardly model pupil of the year? Or is this exactly the kind of situation where the answer has to be no because of his behaviour record.

Behaviour issues aside, a part in a theatre production when it looks like that is what he might want to pursue career wise is extremely important in terms of education and development and it is something the school should absolutely be encouraging.

She was a bit younger (year 7) but my DD got a part in a local panto as a dancer. She missed several half days and some full days of school for rehersals and performances (probably about 20 sessions in total) - the school were more than happy to sign them off as authorised absences and she got a congratulations letter from the head for being successful in getting the part!

In your situation I'd be telling the school that he is doing it and I'd be seriously looking at moving schools - he clearly isn't happy or thriving there. Are there no drama or MT focussed schools near you?

If you are Midlands based look at BOA or if not see if there is somewhere else that is similar - he may do much better at a school like that

Hes found his people. They should cut him.some slack. This could be life changing for him.
We might see him on the big screen one day!!

Definitely let him do the drama , something else if going on here .. you need to try and get to the bottom of what it is … how are his friendships ? Is he academically weak? Is he just stuck in a negative cycle ? I would ask for a meeting with school to see if they can help , can they focus on positives to try and break this cycle ? I would suggest that he is terrified of what ‘ last chance ‘ means , sounds like they want him out and imagine what this feels like for him . Sending best wishes as I bet this is making you feel stressed and unhappy too x

But your daughter presumably wasn't causing problems at school prior to this. That's the difficult factor here. I guess we don't know how strict this school would be about it if he had decent behaviour, but it's definitely harder to justify when he's been treating everyone like dirt.

I suspect the OP has altered the details for the sake of anonymity.

Sounds very unhappy at school. Move him, especially if you are paying for somewhere he hates. I know he’s year 10

I couldn't agree more.
Obviously he is difficult and his behaviour affects other pupils and staff but i can't help feeling a little bit sorry for him, school , private or not is just not for every child.
If these 3 days were connected to other subjects such as maths or science i bet the school would give their blessing ,drama may be your son's future and if he were mine despite him causing me a pain in the arse at times i would still encourage him.

I think this could be a good incentive to improve his attitude that the school should be jumping on. If he packs in the nonsense and knuckles down then it goes down as authorised education off site, if he's not willing to meet them half way and show he's mature enough to be allowed to do his work from home to make up for the missed classes then its unauthorised and he takes his chances.
Would he respond to this if it was offered? If you think it would then I would push it with the school, surely they want every pupil to succeed not just in exams but in life and as people in society so they shouldn't just write him off. If they won't budge on it and insist on not even giving him a chance then fuck them, let him do the play and fight them if anything comes of it.
I do think regardless you do need to have a serious conversation with your DS about how his behaviour is fucking things up for him and really it's him that's going to be worst off for it

Attendance officer here… there is an attendance code that schools use for performances (C1) (theatre, filming for tv, etc). Generally children are allowed 10 sessions in one academic year for this code, but if it’s something that is clearly of importance to the child’s future then the school can authorise for more.

It’s right that it shouldn’t be considered an authorised absence. And authorised absence is for things like I recently took my dc on a term time holiday. I have advanced cancer. First line of treatment didn’t work. I’m now on 2nd line for the next 2 years to see if that works. I can’t easily or safely travel on treatment, so we did a very quick last minute trip before my treatment started (for 3 days, nothing wild). BUT I’d still take him out and take the fall for it myself. I’d say it was my decision, not his. I’d look to move schools because it sounds like he needs a fresh start. Can you look for a more arts focused school?

Can he not just do the evening and weekend productions? Surely the theatre group doesn’t expect him to skip school?

He needs to improve his acting. He could try by not behaving like a boorish, misogynist, entitled little git towards staff and not attempting to blackmail you into giving in to something he wants to do. If he can't manage that, he's got no chance of being anything more than a generic bloke who causes local amateur dramatic societies loads of grief when they don't put him in lead in between his day job working for the local council or suchlike.

"No authorised absence for external activities".

That's OK, let it be unauthorised. What's the worst the school can do to him?

It does sound as though your son is in the wrong school. Let him go to a sixth form college after GCSEs, he'll be treated in a more adult fashion and may well thrive there.

Compared to things that happen in state schools very day, it's not really shocking behaviour. Obviously not acceptable, and yes I've got teacher friends who say the low-level disruption is the worst and can lead to hitting in some cases, but hearing from my own family and posts on here about the amount of violence that happens in schools...plus they said it's just policy that he can't take days off, didn't OP say? So even if he were an angel, he wouldn't be allowed to. If it's a private school, can't you move him, OP? Aren't there online schools, if you can afford this option, which might be more flexible and suit him better?

Also bear in mind that this isn't just a theatre club production - it sounds like a proper professional production.

It may only be local but getting cast in something like that and then pulling out could cause an issue for any future acting career before he has even begun!

Professioanal drama is a very very small world, even and especially at a local level.

If his grades aren't great the school will find another reason to get rid of him before GCSEs and they are not going to improve if he is that unhappy, so I wouldn't worry about the unauthorised absences contributing to losing his place.

You need to look to his immediate and long term future now.

Dd is year 10 and loves dance. She’s been cast in a dance film that means missing a day of school. I asked school expecting it to be a no but they came back fully supportive. It’s actually simmering I love about DD’s school, they really do individualise the education. It’s a state school. Whether you choose state or private, it doesn’t sound like this school is the right fit for your ds.

Just phone the school on the day of the first performance and tell them he has terrible diarrhoea.

just to add , there are a lot of hard responses on this post, no child really wants to behave badly , it is usually a reflection of what is going on the inside and you can be the best parent and still have an unhappy child

I'd let him do it and deal with the school later.

I'd also start looking at drama schools and colleges for when he's 16/18 and finding out what he needs to get in. Use this to motivate him. If you're thinking he's going to University I'd have a rethink!

Well, he's made his own bed really. School can't all be about drama class and just doing the stuff you like. As someone said above FAFO 🤷

His behaviour stems from somewhere though - it's unrealistic to expect a 14 / 15 year old to behave well when they are fundamentally unhappy - they don't have the emotional intelligence to figure out how to cope with it, so it displays in poor behaviour.

Generally, improving behaviour among troubled teens starts with finding something that grabs their interest and nurturing it - and it seems like it is drama for the OPs son.

To deprive him of an opportunity which could help him to pull himself out of that behaviour spiral as a punishment would be churlish and counterproductive.

Just let him do the matinees and let the school do their worst . At worst scenario you could do internet school with him . You should have moved him before now .

if you let him take those 3 days, it will no doubt impact on his future at that school. Mad to pay privately when he’s behaving as he does. That was bad enough at DD’s state school, same kind of behaviour, if it was happening in a school I was paying for i’d be pushing the school to sort it out for good. It’s not fair on the kids there to learn, especially when their parents are paying a fortune. The fact he is trying to blackmail you with you don’t care about him etc is ridiculous, it’s his behaviour that led to where he is today. And actions have consequences.

95% is not considered good attendance.

Put it this way - if you went to a restaurant and one of the other customers was a boorish drunk who risked spoiling everyone else's dinner, you'd expect the restaurant to gently escort him from the premises for the sake of all their other customers, not give him a free pudding.