School refusing 3 days off for DS AIBU

[BaronPencil]

I suspect I am going to get flamed for this but I genuinely do not know what the right call is.

DS is 14, 15 in the summer, and he hates school. Not in a mild way, he actively resents it. Says it is pointless, says most of the boys mess about anyway but he gets picked up more because he answers back. There is probably some truth in that but he absolutely does not help himself.

He is basically on his last warning behaviour wise. We have had meetings with head of year and deputy head. They have used phrases like final chance, serious concerns about attitude, risk of not being invited back next year if there is no improvement. So yes, thin ice is putting it mildly.

Behaviour issues include:

Constant low level disruption
Talking when teacher is talking
Refusing to move seats when asked
Eye rolling and muttering under his breath
Not handing homework in repeatedly
Detentions for not turning up to detentions
Once told a teacher “this is why no one takes this subject seriously”

There was also an incident last year where he made some stupid misogynistic comments in class about girls being “too emotional” for leadership which got him into a huge amount of trouble. He swears he was joking but it was not funny and I was absolutely furious with him. School took it very seriously. Since then they have him firmly labelled as a problem child I think.

He is not SEN. There is no diagnosis, no learning issue. He just does not like being told what to do and he is not a straight A academic star which I sometimes think is what this particular school really values above everything else. He is capable of good grades but only when he feels like it which is not often.

The only area where he has ever been consistently positive is drama.

He got into acting at 12 through the school drama club. Completely by accident really, a friend dragged him along. He got a part in the school production and something just switched. Teachers were emailing saying how focused he was in rehearsals, how supportive of other cast members. It was like reading about someone else.

We then enrolled him in a local theatre group and he loves it. Properly loves it. He will practise accents in his bedroom, watch performances online, ask for feedback. It is the only thing he puts real effort into without being nagged.

Now he has been cast in a proper local theatre production. Rehearsals are evenings and weekends so that has not interfered with school at all.

But the performances include three weekday matinees in the last week before Easter holidays. So he would miss three full days right before they break up.

His attendance is currently 95 percent. But he is absolutely on his last warning behaviour wise.

I emailed school explaining the opportunity and asking if the absence could be authorised given it is a legitimate production and not just a random day off. I did mention that drama is the only area where he truly excels and that this could be positive for him.

Reply was very clear. No authorised absence for external activities. Policy is policy. If we keep him off it will be recorded as unauthorised absence and may be considered alongside his existing behaviour record.

I did ask whether there was any discretion given it is the last week before holidays and most of the academic content is winding down (yes I know that sounds dismissive). They said learning continues until the final day and expectations apply to all pupils equally.

DS’s view is blunt. He says acting is the only thing he is actually good at and the only reason he bothers trying at anything. He says if we make him miss it we are proving that school matters more to us than he does. He also says school already think he is a lost cause so what difference will three days make.

Part of me thinks he has not exactly earned special favours given his attitude. If anything he should be bending over backwards to show compliance right now not asking for time off. I can already hear people saying natural consequences and maybe that is fair.

But another part of me thinks if the one thing that genuinely motivates him is acting then why would we squash that, especially when school itself introduced him to it in the first place.

We pay a lot for this school because we wanted structure and high standards. I just did not anticipate feeling like the only area my son shines would be treated as irrelevant.

So AIBU to think they could show flexibility even though he is on his last warning and hardly model pupil of the year? Or is this exactly the kind of situation where the answer has to be no because of his behaviour record.

You’re paying for this school, why not pay for him to go to a theatre school? There are loads around and it sounds like they would be a much better fit. They can scale down his GCSE’s to ones that are necessary and the ones related to performing arts.

For all those saying he needs to learn that bad behaviour doesn’t get rewarded, can I just make the counterpoint that I was a very well behaved child and that absolutely doesn’t get rewarded either. Being compliant and “good” etc just means your needs are not taken seriously. You ask for something, don’t get it, and keep behaving well so then everyone thinks oh it wasn’t a big deal then. And next time you ask you’re ignored again. I wish I’d acted out more, I wish I’d forced people to see when I was unhappy and needed more. Following the standard path isn’t right for everyone but if you appear to be fitting in you’ll just be made to keep following it forever. Fuck that.

I think if he wants you to go against the schools policy, he needs to buck up his ideas and prove to you that he can put in the effort at school, stop answering his teachers back and kick that misogyny off the roof before you even think any further about letting him have the time off.

The problem is that if he's seriously burnt out / has ADHD in a negative environment / or both, then he actually won't be capable of "changing his attitude" for any prolonged period. Not without something positive to latch on to.

Nope, I disagree with most posters. This is his dream, this is something he is good at, this builds his confidence and self-esteem! You need to be behind him, as this is his passion and it definitely looks like this is the way his future is likely to go. It honestly sounds to me like the school have already decided that he won’t be asked to stay at the next stage anyway (presumably at A-level) so why not give him the chance to showcase himself, whilst also showing your support of his needs and ambition.
I’m a teacher (and I realise I’m likely to get slayed for this!) but during my career I have seen time and time again the importance of nurturing confidence and self-esteem and that parents showing belief in their children can massively impact their future in a positive way.

Was thinking exactly this. As a parent of a kid currently struggling to access school due to stress from constant disruptive behaviour from other kids, he sounds awful! So hugely disrespectful not just to the staff but also to the other kids. Great he’s found his calling, but he needs calling up on this behaviour - being bored / doing stuff you don’t want to is part of life which he needs to learn to manage without making a scene.

Practically, could you make a deal whereby he stops the rubbish behaviour in return for your support being truant those days? And then enroll him in a specialist drama school if you can, as no good is coming of his attendance at his current school for anyone.

Why are people saying the op should let him do it?
Can't they read?
It has been pointed out by innumerable posters including the op herself, that it is not her decision to make! He cannot do it without the school's blessing-they need to sign the licence, or the theatre will sack him off!

Fair. I had misread the op and thought it was asking would it be unreasonable to take the time off anyway. Much more tricky if theatre requires school approval. Would really have to go nuclear and withdraw him from the school in that case, which is maybe over the top. Seems unlikely at this late stage that a change in his behaviour will see them give permission. But I’d be doing everything in my power to get him there, if only so he sees that he has a champion.

Do the Drama. 100%. I bet there are private schools that focus on Drama too.

There’s a difference in being assertive and playing up. Being in senior education means doing lessons you’ve no interest in. Like every job out there even for people who are lucky enough to follow a path they love will have aspects of it they loath and it’s a case of sucking eggs. To actively sabotage his peers enjoyment of other lessons he dislikes isn’t asserting his opinion it’s being selfish. Even if he was to join a school that specialised in drama he would still be required to partake in these subjects. He can assert his preference, the path he desires to take after school can all be creative and about the arts. He can even do drama alongside English literature and the arts if it’s to be a more academic route to give him a bit of a safety net if the acting doesn’t work out.

It’s a high bar to expect kids to understand and control their emotions well enough to consistently tread the line between assertive and asshole. They will much more likely either act out or give up. Judging kids by adult standards isn’t helpful.

From his pov, he was reasonably compliant in primary school and his reward was… more school. It feels never ending. And reading between the lines it’s probably a broader thing of knowing he’s not living up to dad’s standards but is expected to keep trying for years longer, no escape. That would make anyone angry, wouldn’t it? That sense of being trapped and destined for failure?

Anyway, seems like it’s worth a try leaning more into what he loves to find out if he’s in pain or just is a pain. And yes, life would still include doing things he doesn’t love in the moment but as part of a more balanced whole and with a future plan he can be happy with. That’s beyond the immediate question but that’s how it appears to me. Give more value to who he is and what he loves, then from that point tackle the problem of coping with some necessary evils.

Another issue with patiently complete school then do more drama is that if he seriously wants to perform, especially to be successful as an actor, then the more early experience he can get the better. Given that drama / performing arts schools exist and he’s displayed a clear consistent preference for that subject and there is money available in the family, why hasn’t that option been seriously explored already? why is he being told (explicitly by dad and implicitly by mum) that the academic path is still expected?

It’s a no from me. It’s not up to him to pick and choose when he participates in life or who he can be rude to…

they should be your focus, and not being blackmailed by your teenage son who learnt how to press your buttons years ago…

That ^

Not exactly the same but similar, my Dd was granted authorisation to attend both a cheerleading competition and a netball tournament as the school identified these as “sport/ representative” activities. I imagine the issue here is your son’s general behaviour.

That's the whole problem. Poor kid is stuck in a pretty awful situation and is getting no say over it. The acting out is the only weapon he has.

You are not the OP though to answer that..

a neighbour came over to help today, long term local in our parts. Her very adult daughter has gone back to teaching at our local school and after 2 weeks of face to face teaching is considering chucking it in due to little arsehats who display this very same attitude.

Public school in our neck of the globe. it’s a parenting problem, not a school teacher problem.

gawd help these delicate souls when they are turned out to look for work… mummy and daddy might be horrified there no employment opportunities for their wee petal.

These days honesty isn't always the best policy, you should have said nothing and just rang in sick for him for those three days.

Spot the people who don't read the thread ...

Because he isn’t listened to

it is fairly clear that he doesn’t fit into the box his dad wants him to and his older brothers do and his school just isn’t for him

There is a fine line between being seen as assertive and being seen as disruptive. Often that line varies depending on perspective. A child asking questions can be seen as inquisitive or a giant pain in the butt depending on perspective.
He 14 he likely hasn't developed good negotiation and assertive skills yet. He also has a father who wants him to be a totally different child and a school who have decided he isn't a good fit to their methodology.
He has spent years trying to be a square peg in a round hole. He doesn't fit and it is damaging to be pushed into environments that we don't fit for years. He now found somewhere h not only fits but that he excels at.
It's interesting that the problems he has in school aren't an issue in the right environment. Some people view that has him choosing to behave but it more likely in that he is comfortable and liked / respected for who is is in that environment and so relaxed and able to just be him.

Does that explain his misogyny?

Because its trotted out all the time and in this case clearly there are a number of external factors driving his behaviour, rather than internal. Attachment issues shout out to me, plus identity issues around the dad but equally school just doesnt fit some kids and as a society we're blind to it.

Take him out for the 3 days. Change school. Maybe find one that is more creatively centred.

Yes actually there is a lot in the posts about how the Dad wants him to be a man and what characteristics he needs and doesn’t need

you can easily see how too emotional came from there and how it it something that is thrown at him

he may be ND he may not. What he definitely is is a boy who isn’t listened to or parented the way he needs to be - this very much is parental issues

Your son is in the wrong school. It may be a great school but it’s not a good fit for him. While he may have brought it on himself, now that he has a label as a troublesome pupil everything he does will be viewed through that lens. The school has the right to enforce their rules. But you must do what is best for your son. So yes, you should let him have those days off as he’s clearly getting more from his theatre involvement and it’s bringing out the best in him. But you should also be looking for another school for him.