School refusing 3 days off for DS AIBU

[BaronPencil]

I suspect I am going to get flamed for this but I genuinely do not know what the right call is.

DS is 14, 15 in the summer, and he hates school. Not in a mild way, he actively resents it. Says it is pointless, says most of the boys mess about anyway but he gets picked up more because he answers back. There is probably some truth in that but he absolutely does not help himself.

He is basically on his last warning behaviour wise. We have had meetings with head of year and deputy head. They have used phrases like final chance, serious concerns about attitude, risk of not being invited back next year if there is no improvement. So yes, thin ice is putting it mildly.

Behaviour issues include:

Constant low level disruption
Talking when teacher is talking
Refusing to move seats when asked
Eye rolling and muttering under his breath
Not handing homework in repeatedly
Detentions for not turning up to detentions
Once told a teacher “this is why no one takes this subject seriously”

There was also an incident last year where he made some stupid misogynistic comments in class about girls being “too emotional” for leadership which got him into a huge amount of trouble. He swears he was joking but it was not funny and I was absolutely furious with him. School took it very seriously. Since then they have him firmly labelled as a problem child I think.

He is not SEN. There is no diagnosis, no learning issue. He just does not like being told what to do and he is not a straight A academic star which I sometimes think is what this particular school really values above everything else. He is capable of good grades but only when he feels like it which is not often.

The only area where he has ever been consistently positive is drama.

He got into acting at 12 through the school drama club. Completely by accident really, a friend dragged him along. He got a part in the school production and something just switched. Teachers were emailing saying how focused he was in rehearsals, how supportive of other cast members. It was like reading about someone else.

We then enrolled him in a local theatre group and he loves it. Properly loves it. He will practise accents in his bedroom, watch performances online, ask for feedback. It is the only thing he puts real effort into without being nagged.

Now he has been cast in a proper local theatre production. Rehearsals are evenings and weekends so that has not interfered with school at all.

But the performances include three weekday matinees in the last week before Easter holidays. So he would miss three full days right before they break up.

His attendance is currently 95 percent. But he is absolutely on his last warning behaviour wise.

I emailed school explaining the opportunity and asking if the absence could be authorised given it is a legitimate production and not just a random day off. I did mention that drama is the only area where he truly excels and that this could be positive for him.

Reply was very clear. No authorised absence for external activities. Policy is policy. If we keep him off it will be recorded as unauthorised absence and may be considered alongside his existing behaviour record.

I did ask whether there was any discretion given it is the last week before holidays and most of the academic content is winding down (yes I know that sounds dismissive). They said learning continues until the final day and expectations apply to all pupils equally.

DS’s view is blunt. He says acting is the only thing he is actually good at and the only reason he bothers trying at anything. He says if we make him miss it we are proving that school matters more to us than he does. He also says school already think he is a lost cause so what difference will three days make.

Part of me thinks he has not exactly earned special favours given his attitude. If anything he should be bending over backwards to show compliance right now not asking for time off. I can already hear people saying natural consequences and maybe that is fair.

But another part of me thinks if the one thing that genuinely motivates him is acting then why would we squash that, especially when school itself introduced him to it in the first place.

We pay a lot for this school because we wanted structure and high standards. I just did not anticipate feeling like the only area my son shines would be treated as irrelevant.

So AIBU to think they could show flexibility even though he is on his last warning and hardly model pupil of the year? Or is this exactly the kind of situation where the answer has to be no because of his behaviour record.

This - and does need something to focus on in life and hopefully his attitude will improve.

He's a 14 year old child. It's disgusting to call him that

Personally, I'd let him stay off and take the consequences

Definitely support your son in what he wants to do. Don't be bullied by the school, especially a private school. Treat your son as an adult, discuss the options with him and ask him to decide. Deal with the school and don't let them make demands. You are a paying customer - if necessary complain to the governors.

If it was my son I would let him have these days off. It sounds like this could be his future.
Whatever is happening at school wont change anything. I would consider taking him out of school then finding a college place next year that can support him to do his gcse's a year later, as well as his drama.

Genuinely, so long as the school holds on to the LA license, he can’t perform. You need to tell the school to sign the license and return it to the local authority and that he will be missing those days, unauthorised. Then start looking for a new school for him. He’s not in the right place. Be aware that a change of school may not prompt a change in behaviour, because you have never got to the bottom of the reason for it. Although I must say, I think he’s incredibly bored and stimulated. It appears that his father does not know him or his interests at all and is more concerned with bending him to his own agenda. You seem to have the measure of him very well so you could say to him that if he is serious about pursuing acting, he has to knuckle down and work and get the grades so he can go and pursue the subject at A-level and further. You can impress on him that unless his attitude changes no one will want to work with him and if he loves acting so much he needs to work on himself first. Good luck. It’s a challenging time but so long as you let him know how much you love him and want to support him, you will get through.

I thought there were exceptions for performing. My children regularly performed in pantomimes and took time off school with no problem although this was many years ago. I had to fill in a “performing” form of some sort but I can’t remember what exactly.
^^

I would see if you can get more information from the school. What you've said so far sounds like the generic text they'll send about absences - even the independent sector is under pressure to minimise term time absences in a way that wasn't historically the case.

Do they understand it's a professional theatre production (and possibly of marketing benefit to the school - 'see what one of our pupils did at Easter')?

They need to appreciate the requirement for them to agree so he can be licensed appropriately.

Are the theatre company willing and talk to the school? That might resolve it. If not you may be faced with withdrawing him from school to home educate to get around the school's refusal.

You need advice from someone who knows the industry over how not to burn bridges with helpful people if the school refuse and you don't want to withdraw him, meaning that he won't be allowed to perform.

Please support your son! He's not uneducated but he is clearly very unhappy in his school environment. The school has served your older children well, so it's not a problem school. I dislike the way the education system tries to fit square pegs into round holes and doesn't consider the strengths of the individual and help to develop them. Yes I am all too aware of the need for structure, minimum standards etc but they do not suit everyone. If he is that unhappy and disruptive I'd be taking him out and either home educating or trying a specialist drama college. He knows what he wants, which is more than many his age, and he should go for it with your support and encouragement. For personal context, my DS was very unhappy at school, but not disruptive. I thought if he doesn't like 'school' then moving him isn't going to help. However a place came up at another school close by and he begged me to let him move. He moved and I honestly couldn't believe the difference, he thrived. I would love to read in the future that you supported your son and he too is thriving.

Firstly I’m not sure how you can let the theatre group down at this point - presumably he is in the thick of rehearsals so you can’t just drop it on them that he isn’t going to do some of the shows.

secondly, all Im picking up from your posts is that your DH sees your son as a let down - he must feel under so much pressure never living up to his expectations. Your DH sounds more concerned with what other people think of him and whether your son is doing what he wants him to rather then focusing on what your son actually wants and nurturing that. Maybe this behaviour is a rebellion against all of that.

DS doesn't refuse to go to school the only days he's had off were when he was unwell and he had to have some teeth out ready for braces so obviously missed school for that. It is DH that wanted to send him there, well all the DC. Eldest and middle went to a different primary school - state which is why I don't understand DH comments about it being embarrassing now - but then that secondary school and DS has just gone to private all the way through

We're in Cambridgeshire

He came home today and said he spoke to his HOY but apparently he said it's not up to him (which it isn't) but he'll talk to someone else and DS seems to think it'll be a no and that he “offered to volunteer at the open event thing and everything”

I did the ADHD questionnaire someone posted and for section A he got 4 and section B he got 7

If I had to pay for a school I would remove my child from it whenever I damn well pleased 😅.
I think its good hes found something hes passionate about, has his behaviour been better since starting drama?

The bigger point is though @TheatreTaxi that the OP’s DS is generally badly behaved, disrespectful of his teachers and peers, and sullen and uncooperative except when he’s allowed to do what he really wants.

Yes there’s a child in pain - indulged by his mother and bullied by his father. His participation in theatre is a refuge for him. At the wrong school for him. But that doesn’t mean the school is wrong.

The bigger problems need to be resolved. Allowing him to perform is just putting a plaster over the main issues - his bad behaviour in most other aspects of his life.

Trying to force the school to authorise his leave of absence is demonstrating that he doesn’t need to respect others unless they’re giving him what he thinks he needs. It’s no way to bring up a child.

And I think these main issues are far more important than one role in one production, paid or not. A life is a long thing, and so is a career. If he’s really extraordinarily talented, this will come through.

But what is important now is paying attention to the sort of man who is being developed by the OP and her DH - not a particularly pleasant one at the moment. If he were 10 years older we’d all be saying “red flags” about his sexism and general disrespect.

If this route is having a positive effect then I’d be all for it tbh. What’s the worst they can do? Throw him out? Then he goes to state school, you save your money and he persues his dream.

Do the drama thing. Forget about the school thing. Can always get a tutor & pick things up in a year or two. Schooling is only worth it when you have a plan. Unpopular opinion probably but yolo!

DH needs to realise that you can't just dominate your children, and it'll be down to you to get this through to him so he agrees and DS doesn't divide and rule.

Let DS do the play, if you can get the admin signed. Keep it amicable with the school if possible. Get him into a state school or college if they throw him out, though I would be mentioning how social media or the local paper would respond to their meanness. But also bargain with the boy - 'we will do our best to make this work on condition you work hard, wherever, to get 5 decent GCSEs - maths, English, a science, a language and at least one other.'

Then all look for a more congenial school for A levels. Hopefully you'll find a drama or performing arts school near enough.

But that's what being ND is for a lot of people. Just being someone with a slightly different brain for whom the school isn't set up for.

I have ADHD myself and can see myself in this kid. I think the poor kid is really struggling in a school that isn't meeting his needs. He's bored and impulsive. If he keeps being told that he is "bad", he will act that way.

I think the worst thing that you could do is take his acting away.

I absolutely agree. Almost certainly no loss if he gets kicked out of school with this history. Let him do the play - it will be important for his self esteem. Definitely have him professionally screened for ND. If he is diagnosed he may find medication transformational re studying. Even if he isn't he's far more likely to do better in exams with home tutoring which OP can clearly afford if they stop paying school fees. My son masked his ADHD and didn't have the full extent of behaviour issues her son has but even so MS school was not the right place for him. He's doing much better now he's on meds and is returning to study after an academic hiatus. I used to be socially quite conservative re school attendance, manners and behaviour etc but my son's diagnosis has changed me. I just don't believe kids act up for no reason when the parents have values like the OPs.

So basically the school need to do what he wants when he wants or he’ll be a little shit and destroy others education, and when he does it’s ALL THE SCHOOLS FAULT!

@EvangelineTheNightStar
What's the poor kid supposed to do? For years, he's been stuck in an environment that's making him miserable, and where he's seen as a problem and not welcome. What the school is doing clearly isn't working, but they are just doing the same thing harder. He's got no friends at the school. His dad clearly doesn't respect his interests.

Kids and teens need something positive or order to thrive, or the acting out will just get worse.

And I think these main issues are far more important than one role in one production, paid or not. A life is a long thing, and so is a career. If he’s really extraordinarily talented, this will come through.

A career in acting isn't about being extraordinarily talented, it's about fitting the zeitgeist, networking and, crucially, getting a few lucky breaks and taking them with both hands.

There is no reason to think that stopping him from participating is going to change his attitude given how ineffective punitive measures normally are.

all that of course @RawBloomers but it’s been my observation of the industry (from a training perspective) over the last 40 or so years that the foundation needs to be out of the ordinary talent.

You are being unreasonable. To reward him for misbehaving is staggering, and rather sounds like he has had too much "modern parenting" throughout his life, rather than firmly set boundaries and being taught to have respect for others, as well as himself. He needs a firm hand (metaphorically speaking) and a hard lesson in "actions have consequences ".

If it’s possible for him to do the play without school permission, and if he fully understands that the unauthorized absence could result in being kicked out and he is willing to accept that consequence (and whatever alternative schooling that would entail next year), then I would let him do the play.

More generally, I think you need to have some proper serious discussions with your son about his future career options. The purpose of adolescence is not to get good grades or to behave well at school, it is to prepare what you need to be a successful adult. The default path in your family is top grades, uni, degree and professional career. He seems to have decided he doesn’t want that but there’s a lack of clarity about what other paths exist. And dh is not helping by essentially doubling down on the expected life plan. It sounds like he’s effectively decided to mess up his education in protest. No one wins. Everyone is miserable.

What does he know about careers in performing arts? If he wants to act, for example, does he understand that most actors have to supplement their income with some other job? How can he move from where he is now to where he wants to be? What other opportunities would he like to take if he was free to? Do some research together without the assumption that he must be in mainstream school. You can get tutors to fit around other stuff.

Overall it seems utterly foolish to spend money forcing him to do something he doesn’t want to do (the academic path) while ignoring what he does want to do. Can you use some of that money instead to get him more training that’s useful for performing work? Or career advice or coaching or really anything to support his dream? If he really wants this he needs to do more than just a drama gcse and maybe related a levels.

Once he knows his actual dreams are supported then you should also discuss the value of ‘backup’ qualifications — it’s possible but not easy to come back to gcse and a level later. Late start at uni is a lot more common and totally fine imo. A small handful of carefully selected qualifications over the next few years could set him up well alongside a main focus on acting.

If it turns out he doesn’t actually want to work hard at the acting either, he’s just entitled and wants to be a pain, then you can take a different track with him. Importantly though, you and he will both know that he wasn’t held back from following his dreams.