MIL wants engagement ring back after husband went no contact

[Nic1210]

My husband decided to go no contact with his Mother around 4 years ago (I have posted previously about this - she is a piece of work).
We have only seen her once since at my Sister In Laws wedding and it was very awkward and brief. It was also the first time she met her Granddaughter and she was looking down at her at any opportunity and made no effort to take accountability for her previous actions.

Out of the blue, we woke up yesterday morning to a letter sent via iCloud at midnight the previous night, a badly typed out message explaining she respects our decision but it is hurtful for me to wear the engagement ring she freely gave to my husband when he made the decision to propose nine years ago. My husband wanted to save money for a ring to pirchase but she was insistent that he take a ring. The ring was a made for her as an eternity ring from an Amsterdam diamond bought for her 40th birthday from her ex husband (Hubby's Dad). When she gave it to my husband she said she no longer wanted it and was happy for my Husband to give to me.

This is the second time she has asked for it back, the first time she demanded it back after a row (one-sided), when she called me a bitch and other expletives for leaving the room when she was verbally abusing my husband.
I feel this is last thing my MIL believes she has control over.
AIBU to keep hold of my engagement ring? The ring is legally mine as it is deemed a gift, it is not a family heirloom and I have got more joy from it then she ever did or would do in the future. I honestly think she anticipated us to break up when she gave it away, myself and husband are happily married with our fabulous daughter, she would have continued to make my husbands life (a potentially our daughters life) miserable if we remained in contact.

I wouldn’t give it back becuase it would be MY engagement ring. He proposed with it so at that point the provenance changed. It no longer has anything to do with MIL. You have done the ring a favour tbh turning it into something positive.

if I don’t want the bad vibes I’d get it redesigned into a different setting using the materials from it but no, it wouldn’t be giving it back.

Engagement rings can be given in conditional ways (e.g. returned if engagement ends or on divorce) but that would need to have been crystal clear at the outset. If there's no evidence of that, then it's just a gift that you can keep.

If really valuable it could be considered a marital asset on divorce, but again not relevant here.

I had a wide band wedding ring ex mil gave to exh and he gave it to me. After we split up I sold it and it helped to pay for a long needed short holiday for myself and my young kids.
It was a gift, sell it or keep it. I see why you might give it back but that is potential money you could buy something for your child or put into a savings account.
Why should the old bitch have it back, she'll flip the bird at you. Just drop contact, h can please himself it's his mother.

I would keep it just to piss her off 😎

You have every right to keep the ring, or sell it, or return it to her ex.

If you decide to return it to MiL can you make it a transaction rather than just a 1 sided capitulation?
Could you draw up a formal looking contract to be signed detailing the ring’s return is in agreement for X Y and Z behavioural changes from MiL? If you want no contact for ever, put that in. Alternatively if you want respectful dialogue and if she becomes abusive you can eject her, if it continues she must return the ring.
This would aim to spell out consequences of MiLs behaviour to her clearly, in writing. The contract probably would be enforceable, and she’d go ballistic, but it would aim to show her she has to work with people rather than simply bully them to make herself feel better.

she respects our decision but it is hurtful for me to wear the engagement ring she freely gave to my husband when he made the decision to propose nine years ago. My husband wanted to save money for a ring to pirchase but she was insistent that he take a ring. The ring was a made for her as an eternity ring from an Amsterdam diamond bought for her 40th birthday from her ex husband (Hubby's Dad). When she gave it to my husband she said she no longer wanted it and was happy for my Husband to give to me.

There is possibly another side to this.
At the time of the engagement, MIL was possibly very happy about it, and when one is in that mood, one is often more generous and not forward thinking than in the cold light of day. I get that totally, I'm a bit like that myself.
However, as time goes on, you see different characteristics or observe actions that change your perception a bit.
This is not to say one is at liberty to change one's mind about one's previous generous responses, just a bit of understanding of her current stance.
It doesn't matter how MIL acts now, just give it back with an open heart and ignore the sad little vengeful suggestions in some of these replies.
This is not to say that you accept her behaviour or forgive it, but rather from your side this is how you handle it.

Personally I would never have accepted an engagement ring that used to be owned by my toxic MIL but that is just me.

I would just give it back now and buy a new ring that is very special.

I was thinking this too. Just giving her the thing back isn't going to stop her creating merry hell about it - she'll probably start banging on about the condition of the ring, or believing you have altered it, changed any gems, etc. It wouldn't stop there, hence blocking her. I'd say first that we no longer had the ring she referred to so didn't wish to hear any more about it, then block her more securely.

No dont give it back. Its yours. You seem to love the ring and now with it being made into something special and has now got good memories and love a story that is part of your husband and child. From that ring you got married to the love of your life and created your own family. Who cares where it came from but its about the story it tells from the day it went on your finger. I have a $500 wedding, when my husband and I got engaged we were going through IVF which cost us an arm and a leg and plus we were saving for a house and a wedding so we didn't really have the money for an extravagant ring so we bought a nice ring on sale with a small budget. Iv never taken it off and we have been married 12yrs, been together 14yrs and now we can afford something else I refuse to take off my cheap ring because it has a story about where we started off and the life we have now. Il never replace it and if I ever change my mind id wear it around my neck on a necklace. So unlike every one else. I vote that you stand your ground and keep it. You have more love and more memories then she will ever have. She is just being spiteful..

There are three people that I would give this ring to. My DH, our DD or my FIL (original purchaser). She is not getting it back.

I may consider selling the ring for a new one but this I do still see this as my engagement ring for sure. I had no say on where the ring came from and I am attached to it so I am torn.

I would ignore her messages and keep it if you still love the ring.

It's your engagement ring that DH gave to you when he proposed, and from that moment the ring became about you and DH and your future marriage, not about toxic Mil or her past.

I'd give it back, it's a family item and your DH has decided to cut her out of his life. If she had been the one going NC, I would have said keep it but it's coming from your side so I'd give it back.

Sell it and buy yourself a new one.

OP, you say “a letter sent via iCloud ” - why is she not blocked and deleted on everything? Ignore, ignore, ignore.

If you keep it or sell it, you’ll never hear the end of it. Giving it back will be freedom from her.

It sounds like she has little hold over you or your DH and this is the stick she has chosen to attempt to beat you with.

If you gave it back, that really would be the end of any connection / reason to communicate.

She probably wrote that letter when pissed though if it was sent late at night.

You could send it back or you could send her a cease and desist letter.
I think its 100% up to you.

@Nic1210

"an engagement ring is generally considered an absolute gift"

"The exception is if it was given on condition (explicitly or implicitly) that it be returned, such as a family heirloom" which your MiL may very well interpret it to be.

It would be a cold day in hell that I'd wear anything, presented to me by my husband, under these circumstances.

It would be wiser, in the long term, to let it go back to her @Nic1210.

This is an instance "not about winning" for you, because you absolutely have the right to keep it, but honestly, why would you even want it?

Your win would be no longer having her in your life, surely?

Perhaps your husband thinks otherwise though?

Give it to your husbands Dad,after all he gave it to her.

Thank you, this sums up how I feel.

So pleased you love your ring and you are happy to celebrate having it as a sign of your happy marriage!
It is about the story that started from proposal onwards, sentimental value always trumps anything financial when it comes to material belongings.

It's hers. Give her it back

I don’t think you have to give it back to her but same as others have said I wouldn’t want the hassle and to think of her every time I looked at it. I would send her the ring back in the post without any contact and choose a new ring

The ring was given by MIL ex husband , your husbands dad and was given to you as a gift so I’d say no chance .

I understand you think of it as yours, but I don't understand why you would expend energy on depriving your MIL of it when she keeps bringing it up periodically as a metaphorical stick to beat you and your husband with. Just give it back, no drama and tell her she has no reason to contact you again, if you feel so inclined. I'd put it through her letterbox in an envelope and have done with it. Secondhand jewellery is rarely very valuable when resold.

Er.. no it's not mil, she gave it to OP's h it t became his and H gave it to OP.
So legally it belongs to OP. Mil can't ask or demand anything with regards to it.
Morals don't come into it if you have read ALL the OP's posts and not some of the general waffle on here from pp.

If you love it, keep it

If it is now associated with hassle, part exchange it for a ring you prefer.

Your husband can reply to his mother's letter saying you no longer own the ring and that's an end to it.