MIL wants engagement ring back after husband went no contact

[Nic1210]

My husband decided to go no contact with his Mother around 4 years ago (I have posted previously about this - she is a piece of work).
We have only seen her once since at my Sister In Laws wedding and it was very awkward and brief. It was also the first time she met her Granddaughter and she was looking down at her at any opportunity and made no effort to take accountability for her previous actions.

Out of the blue, we woke up yesterday morning to a letter sent via iCloud at midnight the previous night, a badly typed out message explaining she respects our decision but it is hurtful for me to wear the engagement ring she freely gave to my husband when he made the decision to propose nine years ago. My husband wanted to save money for a ring to pirchase but she was insistent that he take a ring. The ring was a made for her as an eternity ring from an Amsterdam diamond bought for her 40th birthday from her ex husband (Hubby's Dad). When she gave it to my husband she said she no longer wanted it and was happy for my Husband to give to me.

This is the second time she has asked for it back, the first time she demanded it back after a row (one-sided), when she called me a bitch and other expletives for leaving the room when she was verbally abusing my husband.
I feel this is last thing my MIL believes she has control over.
AIBU to keep hold of my engagement ring? The ring is legally mine as it is deemed a gift, it is not a family heirloom and I have got more joy from it then she ever did or would do in the future. I honestly think she anticipated us to break up when she gave it away, myself and husband are happily married with our fabulous daughter, she would have continued to make my husbands life (a potentially our daughters life) miserable if we remained in contact.

yes that's clever I like that suggestion

I would choose a new ring and wear that instead BUT I would keep the old one and stick in drawer or even sell it

I’d get a lab grown copy made with your daughter’s birthstone added either in the band at the back or incorporated into the design. Send the other one back via a solicitor so she can’t claim you never did it.

Block her

Keep the ring as you're attached to it. She'll just find something else to have a go at you about - these type of people always do so giving her the ring back won't keep her happy. Block her, and ignore.

Keep it if you love it and it truly feels yours (which it is.)
If not, post it back to her (signed for obviously.)
Either way, absolutely do not enter into a dialogue about it. Do not even respond to her message. It’s not about the ring for her, it’s about the drama.

No it isn't.

Sell it back to her

I'd just give it back to her.
Get a new ring.

Urgh who would want that ring? No! Give it back.

I'm a bit confused, sorry. You seem to have made up your mind that you would not be giving the ring back, so not sure why you needed to start a thread just to validate your stance. Did you really need the validation from a bunch of strangers?!

I feel this is last thing my MIL believes she has control over.

Yet, you still want to hold on to it. If I was in your shoes I'd be giving the ring back. To me, that ring would represent negative energy, and misery and i'd be glad to be rid of it. She'll no longer have any hold over you, and your husband will no longer be beholden to her.

And that is perfectly reasonable. It’s your ring and the engagement wasn’t broken: the ring belongs to you.

It‘s up to you to decide whether wearing it will remind you of her or of your engagement / DH / marriage. I personally wouldn’t want to let her affect me and continue wearing the ring. Others - as seen on this thread - would have the polar opposite reaction. But that’s a very personal decision and you wouldn’t be unreasonable in any way.

I'd tell her she can buy it back if she really wants it, and then use the proceeds to buy a new one.

Not over my dead body would I be giving it back freely.

Give it back. You’ll never be free of her if you don’t.

Send it back with your name and wedding date engraved on the band

Ooh OP's MIL has joined the thread! 💍

Or the ring represents OP‘s engagement, the commitment her (back then fiancé) made when giving her the ring (and she made when she accepted it), their marriage etc… it doesn’t have to represent anything negative.

I absolutely understand why somebody would want to give it back. But I also understand why somebody wouldn’t. Especially if they’re emotionally attached to the ring (which is quite often the case with engagement rings).

I think I’d give it back. It will get her out of your life so she’s nothing to be holding over you. Let her feel like she’s won but in reality it benefits you most because you won’t have anything of hers to remind you of her.
In the future, when she wonders why she’s lonely and miserable, she can have her ring for company.

I would get a new one, a really really good one and I’d throw that one in the sea

The ring is legally mine as it is deemed a gift, it is not a family heirloom and I have got more joy from it then she ever did or would do in the future.

I suspect there is more going on that you're not telling us. You all sound materialistic.

Exactly what I’d do. I’d much rather have my own ring.

If you like the ring, and want to keep wearing it, then fair enough. She has no legal claim over the ring, so she can ask forever as far as any court of law would be concerned.
She gave her son a ring, for the purpose of him giving it to the woman he wants to propose marriage to. That's a totally normal thing, and a method of acquiring a ring that has been used for centuries. And the fact you are still together and still married, she has even less claim.

But I can see where other people are coming from. This ring is just something else for her to beat you over the head with. And likely, if you did give the ring back, she'd just find something else to get up in arms about.

To be honest, it has always been difficult to know if I am making the correct decision, I made to feel like crap for years by my MIL and refuse to do so now.
I do doubt my judgement sometimes and have found this thread very helpful.
MIL is a narcissist, I struggle to believe people are are as nasty as her, trouble is I am a people pleaser and have appeased her in the past before my husband went no contact in the end.
I understand your confusion, I'm self assured in most aspects in my life but not with this unfortunately.

I would tell her it was a gift and if she is insistent that a gift should be returned, you will return it to Fil

I would definitely keep it.
As someone said upthread, she will always find something to create drama with/beat you up about.
Ask DH to message her with a very short statement relating to the ring’s current legal owner (you) and then block her.
Good luck OP.