MIL wants engagement ring back after husband went no contact

[Nic1210]

My husband decided to go no contact with his Mother around 4 years ago (I have posted previously about this - she is a piece of work).
We have only seen her once since at my Sister In Laws wedding and it was very awkward and brief. It was also the first time she met her Granddaughter and she was looking down at her at any opportunity and made no effort to take accountability for her previous actions.

Out of the blue, we woke up yesterday morning to a letter sent via iCloud at midnight the previous night, a badly typed out message explaining she respects our decision but it is hurtful for me to wear the engagement ring she freely gave to my husband when he made the decision to propose nine years ago. My husband wanted to save money for a ring to pirchase but she was insistent that he take a ring. The ring was a made for her as an eternity ring from an Amsterdam diamond bought for her 40th birthday from her ex husband (Hubby's Dad). When she gave it to my husband she said she no longer wanted it and was happy for my Husband to give to me.

This is the second time she has asked for it back, the first time she demanded it back after a row (one-sided), when she called me a bitch and other expletives for leaving the room when she was verbally abusing my husband.
I feel this is last thing my MIL believes she has control over.
AIBU to keep hold of my engagement ring? The ring is legally mine as it is deemed a gift, it is not a family heirloom and I have got more joy from it then she ever did or would do in the future. I honestly think she anticipated us to break up when she gave it away, myself and husband are happily married with our fabulous daughter, she would have continued to make my husbands life (a potentially our daughters life) miserable if we remained in contact.

Get a paste replica made and send her that.

Are you due up grade ? If you have the funds see if you can purchase a bigger shiner one graciously slip the old one back to that miserable bitter old cow - I guarantee it will not make her feel any better - but you might have a brand new shiny ring ( makes sure it’s a multi cut - they catch the light better ) keep waving your hand the next time you see her !

Maybe commission a jeweller to remake or enhance it in better quality gold with a better/larger/more unusual diamond and then give the original back as if it were a mere trifle.

You are not being unreasonable. But I have a different idea... could you find someone to customize you a ring using the diamonds in this ring? Then it would be a different ring made for you, but with the diamonds you were married in. Just a thought! Good luck!

You're not being unreasonable but I'd give it back. Get your DH to buy a new one for you. Why be reminded of your MIL all the time?

This!

You obviously want to keep the ring! Personally, I’d prefer to choose something that my partner and I loved.

Offer it to her for the value of the ring if you sold it. Then take the money and buy a new ring.

Otherwise, ignore her.

I’m torn here @Nic1210

First I thought “hell no, don’t give it back” but actually if you do, she won’t have anything else to moan about.

Then I thought, maybe ask FIL if he wants it.
If he does, you could return it to him and tell
her that as she was adamant she didn’t want it, it should be up to him or his descendants.

If he doesn’t want it, and you returned it to her, you genuinely would take the wind out of her sails. You could have something similar made (but better/bigger stone 😉) or something entirely different.

Tough call, I think I’d give it back and feel a weight off my mind but that’s me, only you can decide. Best of luck!

I’m probably in the minority but it’s just a ring…. I’d give it back and buy something else. I admit I’m not a big jewellery lover/wearer though so have no emotional attachment to any of mine.
i don’t wear my original engagement ring and haven’t since I’ve had children as it’s square and I kept accidently scratching them/catching it on things when they were small.
I brought myself a pretty wedding band style ring that I happened to see in a hand made silver shop and now wear that one instead of my plain wedding band. My DH doesn’t wear his either due to his job.
Give her the ring back so she has nothing further to berate you about and choose something you like, perhaps in a city/place you love to visit etc

She's trying to draw you in again because you are no contact. She wants to cause drama/arguments. Who knows what she might do to try and get the ring back (thinking small claims or something batshit). Honestly, I would give it back. No comment. No debate. Just make sure she gets it and say no more. That will be infinitely more irritating for her than if you actually kept it.

I'd donate it to charity before giving it back.

I'd tell her no.

Is it possible that if you gave it back to FIL he would gift it back to you? As he is the original owner, wouldn't that be a loophole?

I would have thrown the ring at the nasty witch & said "its all yours". Then her silly little power trip would be over. She sounds awful OP!

Does she have MH issues? Just by time of the message etc.
When my mum is unwell I often get not very nice middle of night messages
To be honest I would give back as one less thing for her to hold over you

Yes she's being very spiteful
But I would still give it back to her
I'd feel pretty disgusted with it.
Buy a new fabulous one
Make new memories

Yes she does. But she is also a narcissist so won't take responsibility for anything, even her health.

I’d go with your DH and choose a lovely ring. Send the darned thing back. It’s got bad vibes surrounding it. Or if it’s worth a fortune hang on to it, do the above and sell it! Use the proceeds on a wonderful holiday.

sell it and buy another?

Yes v familiar.

You really drove it in that it was a gift, freely given. However, it is tainted with her hatred and spite. Why keep it? Send it back by registered mail so she has to sign for it, so she won't be tempted to say anything about not being returned.

I think often BPD/narcissistic tendencies go together...as rhey become grandiose when high etc Will never see themselves in the wrong. Sorry you're going through it :( it's horrible

@Nic1210

You could always tell her that you are 'holding it in trust' for DD. Would she be shit enough to demand the ring back then?

Or best thing; don't respond, keep the ring and wear it or put it in a drawer for DD 'for reals'.

Could you get the ring re-designed or re-set the diamond in a new fresh setting, that way it would almost be like a fresh start and would be like a new ring while still being the same stone you got engaged with.