My husband had to work abroad for 6 months, he had an affair, now he wants to move to her country

[Notmyostrich]

My DH and I have been together for 14 years, we have one child together who is 7.
Last year his company acquired a company in South America, he was asked to go over for 3 months and support the integration, this was extended to slightly over 6 months, he came home for 2 weeks over Christmas. He got back on Saturday. It wasn't ideal, but the pay offered was incredible and our marriage was steady in my mind, I trusted him. His parents helped with childcare. He called almost every day at the start, usually he would call his parents on his lunch break which was around the time DD got out of school, to speak to DD, then me when his work day ended around 9/9.30pm our time. It stopped being daily a month or so in, but I respected he was busy and we text often.

Over Christmas we didn't really get any alone time, we spent a week with his parents, then a week with mine. I didn't get any feeling something was off, though looking back we didn't have sex once while he was back, I put it down to being at our parents, busy with Christmas plans etc.

On Sunday night DD stayed at my parents for us to have some us time. He sat me down and told me the marriage was over, he no longer loved me and he couldn't continue in it. That he would go and stay at his parents, until we could iron out the divorce. I was and I still am totally distraught. I begged to know why and only after 2 hours of fake answers, did he finally tell me he had been having an affair while abroad, with a woman who was also there for work and is only 27! He is 40!
He told me it started a few weeks in, he met her at a week or so in, and it evolved from there. She is still there but is regularly based in Madrid (she is French-spanish, but based in Spain). He told me his plan is to sort out the divorce and then move to Spain (his dad is Dutch so he has a European passport).

I am in utter shock, it feels like a story line from a bad film, not like something that could actually happen.

I don't understand how this could have happened, and worse how on earth moving away from his child seems like a normal thing to do in his mind! I keep trying to figure out how this will even work, but he said we should take space for a week and speak at the weekend about logistics. He is staying at his parents, he wants to tell DD together at the weekend but I can't even start to imagine what we say to her! He has asked If DD can stay at his parents with him next week as he has the week off and wants to do school run etc.

AIBU to feel totally dumbfounded, not to mention hurt and devastated and betrayed? How do I even start to make sense of this? What do I need to get in order? How could this have possibly happened? I feel like such an idiot for trusting him and not noticing sooner!

I agree.

I’m so sorry @Notmyostrich this is awful. I really wish you the best. It says alot about you that your main concern is your daughter and not your pain so I’m sure you’ll navigate this both for yourself and her as smoothly as possible. You had every right to email the other woman by the way, she isn’t innocent and FAFO comes to mind, do they really believe her actions should be guilt & consequence free. The fact he came round asking why you did it means he has had to comfort and placate her. Instead a grown up woman though being upset would accept that contact could be made and feeling uncomfortable is a price you pay, she’s 27 she’s obviously knows he’s financially comfortable, I’m going to wager karma will kick him in the arse.

Also as others have said - definitely get a good solicitor. Don’t believe because he is nice now he will continue to be so.

My brother screwed himself financially during his divorce wanting to keep things “amicable” and not seeking proper legal advice.

OP, when I was reading this thread I saw you were planning on contacting the OW and my initial reaction was "please don't do that". But I think you did it for the right reasons and you can hold your head high. The benefit of doing it is that, from her reply, you now know exactly what you are dealing with.
Firstly, your DH is not a decent person. Within weeks of going abroad he was cheating on you. Within 6 months he has basically decided to abandon his daughter. Seeing her for one weekend a month does not show a father who has any real interest in her well-being or maintaining any real relationship with her. He could have tried to live in the UK and maintain a strong presence in her life but he chose not to. The relative speed at which he has done this indicates he is not a person who has a strong sense of responsibility towards her or cares in any way about the emotional impact his actions have on her.
The chances of him actually travelling to the UK every month over the long term is probably unlikely, especially if he starts a family with the OW.
Secondly, the OW has shown you the type of person she is. She knowingly had an affair with a married man and has shown she is not a person who has empathy for you or your daughter.
Unfortunately, she is likely to have a presence in your daughter's life as her new stepmother and all you can do is hope she will treat her well, though I would have concerns about your daughter travelling out of the country every summer to stay with them, especially at such a young age.
If they have children of their own though, which is likely as she is only 27, your daughter,who your DH already plans on having minimal contact with, is likely to be an outsider and be sidelined in the long term.
For that reason it really lies with you to fight on her behalf. There is probably little you can do about him maintaining a relationship with your daughter, that responsibility lies with him.Even though you seem to be fairly secure financially, life can throw curveballs.it's really important to get the maximum settlement you can get, even if you decide put it aside for her in savings.
You have a tough time ahead of you OP, divorce is stressful but you seem like a level headed person and you already know you are more than capable of managing on your own.

I agree with the other posters - it's not about being vindictive, it's about what your daughter deserves. He will not be in her life, he will probably see her once in a term during holidays (once a month is very optimistic, he will not bother flying here and back so often). You don't know whether he will be willing to pay maintenance till she is 18 - if in the future he chooses to live in South America, for example, it will be very difficult for you to get anything from him. Please, don't be proud, fight for your daughter's sake, she deserves that. You are comfortable now, but anything can happen in your life, e.g. you can get ill, you might not be able to work, then what would happen to her? Think about it.

I would not believe a word he said. Ultimately men like this act utterly selfishly. As pp's have said, a few years down the line he will have children with his new partner and your DD will be de-prioritised.

You are right to not discuss or agree to anything without good legal advice.

There are many temptations in life. Normal decent adults with any integrity resist them when they know that giving in to them will hurt others they care about, especially if those others are children.

What’s his plan for work that he can supervise a 7 year old for nearly a month in the summer? I’m sure he hasn’t thought any of this through.
How bored will GF get that every Christmas will have to work around DD.

Normally I’d advocate for couples to stay friendly and flexible. But if he’s abroad there’s no flexibility, he’ll want everything to work around him.
I’d grey rock him and his parents - just because they will tell him things. He needs you on his side as no court is going to give him the access he wants just now.

@Notmyostrich As you will be the primary parent with very little access to ongoing maintenance by virtue of him living abroad I would ask for the house in full rather than rely on any ongoing maintenance. You need to protect your child, and as others have said, it’s likely that this OW will want a family. Don’t let your DD be left out of his inheritance if he starts a new family. Giving you the house is fair considering he is abandoning his responsibilities and child. If he wants a fresh break then there are financial consequences for him to do that. It’s not being mean or vindictive. It’s fair for your daughter not to have to lose her house as well as her father.

You will come out the other end of this with a close relationship with your daughter, the respect of those around you including his family. You are financially stable and have the opportunity to find love again. Things will get better.

He on the other hand will have to start again trying to fit in with all her younger friends in a new country, starting again financially while also saving for retirement, all while having to deal with the dynamics of his daughter feeing abandoned by him and everyone he knew before his affair thinking badly of him. The pull of the honeymoon period and the intensity of the affair mean he isn’t thinking clearly about his future, but once those feelings mellow with time and space, his conscience will not allow him to be happy regardless of his situation. And what he has done, and is doing to his family relationships can’t be undone.

Stay out of it.

I wouldnt I am too proud for that. I’d just say something like
I dont need you to worry about me or wish me strength thanks. Out of womanly solidarity I just wanted to be sure you knew he is (was) married ,You are welcome to him !

You seem like a really lovely person. Keep your fairness and morals but honestly, find your anger. Think steely calm anger.
Give him and her nothing emotionally.
Her reply said it all to me, she doesn’t give a shit. At least you know, knowledge is power.

Obvious answer is Byeee and why do yoy still refer to him your DEAR husband- really? Get some self esteem lady

I think that totally lets her off the hook though and lets her rest easy and feel like she's done no harm. The dh will probably see the response and feel reassured too that it's all OK, when it's not.

Absolutely this. My god does this guy need his ass kicked. I don’t think he will have to pay child support if he’s abroad so you’re definitely going to need to get whatever you can in a divorce. I think you can be fairly certain that this new relationship will not be a bed of roses once the shine wears off. At 27 and from a different culture she’ll be hard to handle. He’ll look like an old man to her fairly swiftly. Hope you’re coping ok today @Notmyostrich . Things will improve. It may well be the making of you even if it doesn’t feel like it now.

there’s zero chance he plans to use all his annual leave to have his dd stay over summer. Not when 27yo is used to regular trips away. And that’s not considering that it’s just too long for a child that age to be away from her primary parent and in another country where she only knows her usually absent dad. The op won’t be allowing the month trip over summer once she thinks it through.

Why are you being so hostile on what has been a fairly pleasant and supportive thread? It was a simply question: how was that post bitter?

You're the one being hostile.

Ive clearly asked you to leave me alone.

I don't have to nor feel like explaining my thoughts to you.

To be fair the other poster was rude to her first, calling her advice crap. There are better ways to disagree with someone.

There is a difference between articulating why you think advice is “crap” and labelling somebody bitter for critiquing said advice.

OP, forget being kind.
Get the absolute best financial order you can get for your child.
Ideally the house signed over to you at least.
Screw him.
Delighted to read you earn well.
You are well rid.
Personally I have found Dutch men very prone to this when I worked with them years ago, but I suppose that is a generalisation.

I doubt contacting HR would do any good, but 30 years ago in a large multinational, the wife of one of our senior engineers did just this, when he was posted abroad and decided the he wanted to stay with the young one he met in the office.
He was in South Africa and he was shipped back so brutally by the very Christian no nonsense HR director, who was appalled by his behaviour.
He had two very young children and his colleagues were very surprised by this.
The marriage limped on, his wife actually ended it.
His progress was interrupted by what happened and he moved company.

Dutch women are fantastic, they don't take hostages, its scorched earth with them when men behave badly.......another generalisation 😁

The poster was rude to her so she was rude back. It's not that deep.

Brave and calm OP: when you see your solicitor tomorrow, remember that you may well need to change your will now, to exclude your husband. Take lots of notes: there'll be a lot to take in. Good luck.

Not nice when she's in such a horrid situation.

Generalisations aside 😉, I absolutely love this story so much - can you imagine companies putting a spanner in the works and sending affair-employees to separate locations in opposite sides of the world. I doubt they would get away with it or even give a shit, but it's a nicer thought than them just sailing off together easily.