My husband had to work abroad for 6 months, he had an affair, now he wants to move to her country

[Notmyostrich]

My DH and I have been together for 14 years, we have one child together who is 7.
Last year his company acquired a company in South America, he was asked to go over for 3 months and support the integration, this was extended to slightly over 6 months, he came home for 2 weeks over Christmas. He got back on Saturday. It wasn't ideal, but the pay offered was incredible and our marriage was steady in my mind, I trusted him. His parents helped with childcare. He called almost every day at the start, usually he would call his parents on his lunch break which was around the time DD got out of school, to speak to DD, then me when his work day ended around 9/9.30pm our time. It stopped being daily a month or so in, but I respected he was busy and we text often.

Over Christmas we didn't really get any alone time, we spent a week with his parents, then a week with mine. I didn't get any feeling something was off, though looking back we didn't have sex once while he was back, I put it down to being at our parents, busy with Christmas plans etc.

On Sunday night DD stayed at my parents for us to have some us time. He sat me down and told me the marriage was over, he no longer loved me and he couldn't continue in it. That he would go and stay at his parents, until we could iron out the divorce. I was and I still am totally distraught. I begged to know why and only after 2 hours of fake answers, did he finally tell me he had been having an affair while abroad, with a woman who was also there for work and is only 27! He is 40!
He told me it started a few weeks in, he met her at a week or so in, and it evolved from there. She is still there but is regularly based in Madrid (she is French-spanish, but based in Spain). He told me his plan is to sort out the divorce and then move to Spain (his dad is Dutch so he has a European passport).

I am in utter shock, it feels like a story line from a bad film, not like something that could actually happen.

I don't understand how this could have happened, and worse how on earth moving away from his child seems like a normal thing to do in his mind! I keep trying to figure out how this will even work, but he said we should take space for a week and speak at the weekend about logistics. He is staying at his parents, he wants to tell DD together at the weekend but I can't even start to imagine what we say to her! He has asked If DD can stay at his parents with him next week as he has the week off and wants to do school run etc.

AIBU to feel totally dumbfounded, not to mention hurt and devastated and betrayed? How do I even start to make sense of this? What do I need to get in order? How could this have possibly happened? I feel like such an idiot for trusting him and not noticing sooner!

In some circumstances this does happen, where the child is settled in the home environment. The courts will defer the sale and division of equity until the child reaches 18. It’s by no means the norm and depends on individual circumstances including the length of the marriage and age of the child.

As per post upthread. This isn’t enough to stop him taking DD out of the country if that’s what he really wants. He can simply report the passport missing and get a new one - if he hasn’t done so already. Remember he’s had six months to plan his exit strategy. OP needs to apply to the courts for a prohibited steps order to prevent travel outside the UK, and she can also ask for the court to seize DD’s passport. Her solicitor should advise on this, given that he intends to live abroad.

Surely you get to stay in the house until Dd is 18? Especially since he’s moving to another country!!!

I'd be SO tempted to send this - along with "don't worry - he has done this many, many times before. I should be used to it".

Plant that seed of doubt in her mind that, despite his protestations that he'd never cheated before - he is a serial cheater.

These women can sometimes convince themselves it was just the sheer depth of their attraction and destiny that caused them both to enter an adulterous affair. Bit trickier if they think the bloke has significant form...V Hard for him to ever disprove.

And again,if he remarries, that will is invalid.

OP. I've known women who didn't get the maximum money they could have on divorce because of (misplaced imho) feelings about doing so and were very poor in later life as a result. Please don't take that view.

I think OP indicated upthread somewhere that a split of the equity would allow her to buy her own place and plan better. A court order to defer sale and split of equity in the interests of the child is possible but by no means guaranteed - depends on length of marriage, age of child, potential individual post divorce circumstances of both parties, among other considerations.

Erm, while I agree that acts of revenge like involving the employer/social media etc are bad advice, I really don't think there's any evidence at all for the rather odd assumption that OP must now regret messaging the other woman. Why do you imagine that? There was nothing remotely "bitter" or undignified about doing so or in the way she did, in fact it cleared something important up for the OP that SHE wanted to know and had every right to. And now she does and can move forward accordingly.

I do agree however that OP needs to be very canny when it comes to future finances, even though she can afford to take care of her daughter herself without him. "Head held high", grey rocking and keeping her plans to herself are all excellent, killing with kindness is likely to have no effect at all. This is not a kind man and he doesn't care.

I get that everyone is rightly sympathising with the OP, but the idea that the OP should threaten to sue his workplace over this is genuinely one of the weirdest things I've ever read on MN.

I agree. There's no reason for OP to regret contacting the OW

@MustWeDoThiswhere are you working out your maths? When she is 30 he will be 3 years older than he is now… 43 not 52. She is 27 currently.

I think OP said herself that although she only messaged OW to make sure she was aware DH was married with a child, she wished she had’t done it. I think in finding her SM profile OP learned some things she wishes she hadn’t.

Especially since the OW doesn’t work for his employer !! The rationale that the marriage was in good shape before he went doesn’t work, because if he valued it at all, he wouldn’t have been open to an affair.

I would have to disagree with leaving him to tell DD without OP - I would want to sit through it and ensure he tells the absolute truth, what he has done and why he is leaving. Maybe this will hit home to him what a shit bag he is, however no way would I be letting him sail through a conversation and spout some bullshit like mummy and daddy are no longer happy, or we no longer love each other. He needs to face up to this and own it.

Agree with PPs - get angry, speak to a solicitor, make arrangements for an appropriate split of assets, and make sure he doesn't try to get out of child support arrangements while abroad if this is truly what he plans.

I'm so sorry, this is a fucking awful thing for him to do to you and I can't believe he'd want to permanently move to a different country to his DD. You must be heartbroken and this will take a long time to process.

I might be tempted, but I wouldn’t do anything because I’m not an animal and I can control my urges. It’s not that hard.

How on earth is it crap and bitter?

I would not put myself in a position to be tempted. He met this woman in a bar. He got to “know her well” because he chose to pursue it. Some of us are not wild animals and have impulse control.

'Yes a marriage is more than sex, but men are wired differently from women and it makes sex much more important to their sense of identity.'

Oh god, what utter sexist claptrap

I think you are playing nice because its all new and you are hoping he will come back. He wont! He has been a total shit to you And! Your daughter. He had only thought of himself not you or ! Your Daughter! I hope you start hating him soon and take him for everything. Also don't let him have your daughter in another country. If he wants to see her he must see her here. Good luck.

Please listen to this even though you have enough now.Make sure you get what you're entitled to.Don't kill him with kindness neither of these two nasties including the affair partner deserve kindness.Protect you and your child.

You've had some really shit advice on here but you see right through it so I have no doubt that you'll do just fine.

I would point out though, that the pattern of behaviour of men who leave their families is very much that they start out promising to be nicey nicey and fair, but inevitably they don't stay that way; what they really mean is they want you to be nice, roll over and accept your fate of whatever he decides to give you.

It's a sudden change, going from "We" to "I", and not one you asked for, but I'd implore you to be wholly selfish and prioritise what is best for you and your daughter, whatever that looks like to you. Because he's being fundamentally very selfish indeed, and it would be unwise to allow his propaganda to convince you otherwise.

I think it’s good OP messaged the OW too. As a heads up. It did not matter here because the OW is trash but I have had multiple occasions where men have tried to secretly turn me into their mistress without my consent (presenting themselves as single).

Once I only discovered because his partner called me. Lucky escape!

I'm afraid I would reply, something like "OK. I messaged you because I thought you might be a decent, honourable person being lied to and deceived just as I was. But clearly I was wrong and you knew all about his lies and his plan to abandon his daughter. One day you will understand what you have done. Goodbye."

I know some people would say just retain a dignified silence, but sending the message would make me feel better.

Hi @Notmyostrich - I've been following your thread and just wanted to come on here and say how very sorry I am for what you're going through and how much I admire your dignity.

This is so hard for you to deal with, he is infatuated and he will get his karma, for sure, and I'm glad you're not looking to sue companies or use SM to expose it all etc.

However - don't whatever you do think you don't need money from him. I am a FT working lone parent and had no help from family and there was no father in the picture. It's expensive if you want to soften your life and make sure that when you're not working you're able to spend every moment with your DD.
I had a daily cleaner/ mothers help; online orders whenever you need, emergency builders or plumbers so you don't have to scrabble around to fix things but cost loads; after school care that changes and evolves as she grows; clubs, even occasional laundry services - you deserve as much help as possible.
Take every penny you deserve even if you end up saving it all for her future.

I really hope you're ok and start to feel your anger with him - he's behaved terribly x x

Absolutely. He does NOT get to take the child he is deserting away from the parent who actually parents. He is a liar, he is OPs enemy, he certainly cannot be trusted to do the right thing with the child he has chosen to desert and her daughter must not be further harmed by being dragged from pillar to post. He can work around OP and their child if he actually gives a shit about seeing her (hint, he will quickly stop visiting or even pretending to care).

Get every single penny you can, you owe it to your child. Tell everyone calmly and politely he has deserted you both for a new shag. Get a lawyer, and do not communicate with him except through a lawyer, parenting mediator etc.