My husband had to work abroad for 6 months, he had an affair, now he wants to move to her country

[Notmyostrich]

My DH and I have been together for 14 years, we have one child together who is 7.
Last year his company acquired a company in South America, he was asked to go over for 3 months and support the integration, this was extended to slightly over 6 months, he came home for 2 weeks over Christmas. He got back on Saturday. It wasn't ideal, but the pay offered was incredible and our marriage was steady in my mind, I trusted him. His parents helped with childcare. He called almost every day at the start, usually he would call his parents on his lunch break which was around the time DD got out of school, to speak to DD, then me when his work day ended around 9/9.30pm our time. It stopped being daily a month or so in, but I respected he was busy and we text often.

Over Christmas we didn't really get any alone time, we spent a week with his parents, then a week with mine. I didn't get any feeling something was off, though looking back we didn't have sex once while he was back, I put it down to being at our parents, busy with Christmas plans etc.

On Sunday night DD stayed at my parents for us to have some us time. He sat me down and told me the marriage was over, he no longer loved me and he couldn't continue in it. That he would go and stay at his parents, until we could iron out the divorce. I was and I still am totally distraught. I begged to know why and only after 2 hours of fake answers, did he finally tell me he had been having an affair while abroad, with a woman who was also there for work and is only 27! He is 40!
He told me it started a few weeks in, he met her at a week or so in, and it evolved from there. She is still there but is regularly based in Madrid (she is French-spanish, but based in Spain). He told me his plan is to sort out the divorce and then move to Spain (his dad is Dutch so he has a European passport).

I am in utter shock, it feels like a story line from a bad film, not like something that could actually happen.

I don't understand how this could have happened, and worse how on earth moving away from his child seems like a normal thing to do in his mind! I keep trying to figure out how this will even work, but he said we should take space for a week and speak at the weekend about logistics. He is staying at his parents, he wants to tell DD together at the weekend but I can't even start to imagine what we say to her! He has asked If DD can stay at his parents with him next week as he has the week off and wants to do school run etc.

AIBU to feel totally dumbfounded, not to mention hurt and devastated and betrayed? How do I even start to make sense of this? What do I need to get in order? How could this have possibly happened? I feel like such an idiot for trusting him and not noticing sooner!

She’s got plenty of self esteem if you bothered to read her updates. Or did you just post to put the boot in to someone genuinely asking for support ?

Now

Him: Sorry/Make it easy/won't shaft you/please don't keep DD from me
OW: Oh it just happened/one of those things/chin up / be strong
You: Let's play fair / be dignified / can afford to be independent

Six months from now:

Him: Tell DD I'm sorry but I can't make this weekend/More expensive than I thought out here/Why do I have to pay for XYZ?
OW: We need more money / I want to have a baby / we need somewhere bigger
You: But you said!

DO NOT FALL INTO THE TRAP OF BEING OVERLY GENEROUS WITH FINANCES IN THE BELIEF THAT EVERYONE IS GOING TO CONTINUE TO BE REASONABLE

You will 100 percent be responsible for more childcare and that includes the joy - holidays/weekends away/parties - not just new school shoes

OW will 100 percent start wanting 'more'

ExH will 100 percent penalise you for what they 'need'.

She is 27 OP. I'm sorry to say it but a baby may well feature at some point. Get him locked down financially whilst he is still being reasonably contrite.

This.

I would have to disagree with leaving him to tell DD without OP - I would want to sit through it and ensure he tells the absolute truth, what he has done and why he is leaving. Maybe this will hit home to him what a shit bag he is, however no way would I be letting him sail through a conversation and spout some bullshit like mummy and daddy are no longer happy, or we no longer love each other. He needs to face up to this and own it.

My bold

I fully agree with this. I would want to be sure he is telling the truth and not passing any 'blame' on Mummy. I have said, upthread, OP doesn't need to take part in the conversation unless her husband deviates from an previously jointly agreed script. If he does, she can interject with 'That's not true/not what you told me etc'.

Blimey, quite the furore over my little exchange with @goldylock . All I really meant was the idea of karma is crap and waiting for it to make your world sunny again by biting the ex and ow on the bum is not the way to go. I'd much rather they were happy so my kids growing up largely without their dad wasn't for nothing. I'm perfectly happy in my subsequent relationship and not bitter. Hope that clarifies things. Thank you to those posters who defended me.

This

If the country he’s living in is a signatory to The Hague Convention, OP does have rights. They can pursue him and return DD to the UK under the terms of the convention. OP can also insist that both parents are co-signatories when a passport is renewed or replaced. If the child is travelling with one parent in that situation a notarised letter of consent from the other parent for travel between countries would be needed.

She won’t care. She knew about OP and DD and still didn’t care. I’d keep a dignified silence and channel my energies into the financial settlement and contact arrangements.

Yep. Agree with this.

OP look at the money this way - yes you could go 50/50 but you are going to have greater expense going forward. So rather than doing a deal for CMS get a bigger share/all the house. This sets you up so you don’t need to worry about future redundancy/stbxh being a dick

also consider where you want the money from the house to go eventually. If you split 50-50 his half is gone. If you take more then you have that to give your daughter in the future.

he does not have your daughters best interests at heart so you should go for a clean break but you must make sure he has contributed to your daughter in all of that

How is you derailing this thread taking potshots at other posters helping OP when she's going through the worst experience of her life?

It’s a public forum - you don’t seem to have grasped the concept. The poster was clarifying her position and why she replied as she did. I can’t see anything rude or bitter in anything she posted to be honest.

You, however, posted this little gem I'd take relish and delight in knowing 2 people who behave like that will not stay together. It's all adrenaline and secretive and exciting right now. Wait, just wait....a 27 year old who knew he was married and a 40 year old who cheated on his wife. Recipe for destruction.

The bitterness leaps off the page, and isn’t one bit helpful to an OP who is only a few days into having her life turned upside down, and is trying to navigate it with dignity and proper concern for her child. Do her a favour and stop derailing her thread with utter nonsense.

Jesus-I didn't derail it.

That poster did. I'm just finishing it. Get your information right and then go after her will ya.

My apologies OP for the derail. I hope you are doing ok. Lots of us have been through some version of this and come out the other side. There is no one right way to do it and every situation is different but your approach so far is admirable. Good luck.

OP, you come across as very dignified but also very poised and coping. Well done you. You’ve clearly got your head screwed on. Well done for getting on with the practicalities, seeing a solicitor and getting dd’s passport to your parents. Definitely don’t dance to his tune or let him make the most of this 6 month start he’s had on you.

He, on the other hand, sounds absolutely despicable.

Even over and above having this affair in the first place, the way he’s kept it from you for so long, to make the most of his advantage is sickening. He hasn’t told you till he absolutely has to and that’s terrible behaviour. He must have no personal morality whatsoever.

All these little mini breaks also make me
sick. And her reply shows she’s nearly as bad as him. She knew. And she was happy to go along with it and even post pictures as though they were a legitimate couple (they weren’t). And her reply to you is cold in a way that is unforgivable.

My main advice to to carry on refusing to jump to his tune. DD doesn’t get told until you’re ready, which should be when you’ve got your ducks in a row, and there’s a real difference that she will notice. Nothing happens financially or in any way until you’ve had the right legal advice and a chance to think about it.

All the best to you.

Does piss me off too that there’s this two tier system between those who can get dual European nationality and those who can’t. And those who can will be predominantly white, adding to the inequality of opportunity. But that’s by the by.

Apologies! I got you muddled with the other poster.

Eh??

He’s got these opportunities because he has dual nationality. Was just an aside.

He was in South America?

on the dual national part - if your dd is entitled to a Dutch passport it’s unlikely he can get her one without you being present or giving permission

He's got a new life with a 27 year old. He's basically dumped his daughter this sort of catastrophising is seriously unhelpful.

Wow. Is that you, Alice?

Can people stop arguing between each other and try and give OP some support

we are just here for her & her dd , and await another update

I meant him getting to move to Spain now and leaving family life behind him.

But I probably was getting a bit carried away with hating this despicable specimen of a man.