My husband had to work abroad for 6 months, he had an affair, now he wants to move to her country

[Notmyostrich]

My DH and I have been together for 14 years, we have one child together who is 7.
Last year his company acquired a company in South America, he was asked to go over for 3 months and support the integration, this was extended to slightly over 6 months, he came home for 2 weeks over Christmas. He got back on Saturday. It wasn't ideal, but the pay offered was incredible and our marriage was steady in my mind, I trusted him. His parents helped with childcare. He called almost every day at the start, usually he would call his parents on his lunch break which was around the time DD got out of school, to speak to DD, then me when his work day ended around 9/9.30pm our time. It stopped being daily a month or so in, but I respected he was busy and we text often.

Over Christmas we didn't really get any alone time, we spent a week with his parents, then a week with mine. I didn't get any feeling something was off, though looking back we didn't have sex once while he was back, I put it down to being at our parents, busy with Christmas plans etc.

On Sunday night DD stayed at my parents for us to have some us time. He sat me down and told me the marriage was over, he no longer loved me and he couldn't continue in it. That he would go and stay at his parents, until we could iron out the divorce. I was and I still am totally distraught. I begged to know why and only after 2 hours of fake answers, did he finally tell me he had been having an affair while abroad, with a woman who was also there for work and is only 27! He is 40!
He told me it started a few weeks in, he met her at a week or so in, and it evolved from there. She is still there but is regularly based in Madrid (she is French-spanish, but based in Spain). He told me his plan is to sort out the divorce and then move to Spain (his dad is Dutch so he has a European passport).

I am in utter shock, it feels like a story line from a bad film, not like something that could actually happen.

I don't understand how this could have happened, and worse how on earth moving away from his child seems like a normal thing to do in his mind! I keep trying to figure out how this will even work, but he said we should take space for a week and speak at the weekend about logistics. He is staying at his parents, he wants to tell DD together at the weekend but I can't even start to imagine what we say to her! He has asked If DD can stay at his parents with him next week as he has the week off and wants to do school run etc.

AIBU to feel totally dumbfounded, not to mention hurt and devastated and betrayed? How do I even start to make sense of this? What do I need to get in order? How could this have possibly happened? I feel like such an idiot for trusting him and not noticing sooner!

Yes, his little girlfriend will become a step mother if this continues, she’ll need to grow up a lot, it’s a thankless tightrope to walk. She’ll be needing the strength! In my experience, children never forget their new step mother was the OW and never forgive even when the step mother is old and grey and in a nursing home.

Obviously I meant getting all you’re owed is a sort of compensation. Don’t be pedantic.

YOU.CAN’T.CHANGE.THE.LOCKS.ON.YOUR.JOINT.MARITAL.HOME.

Why do people trot out this shit on every tread concerning marriage/divorce. It’s illegal. He can just get an occupation order so it’s a waste of time and money.

And before you advised OP to be vindictive when it comes to their child, did you stop to consider the child themselves ?

English isn't her first language but the distancing tone comes through.

I'd leave it there and concentrate on securing what you need financially before he spends it on her.

Yes a marriage is more than sex, but men are wired differently from women and it makes sex much more important to their sense of identity.
Are you really saying that if you worked abroad from your husband and family for 6 months , if you met someone you were attracted to and got to know them well you wouldn't be tempted?

He called over to you last night because the two worlds have now collided. He was having a great time in Disneyland with her, and you knew nothing about it but the fact that you have contacted her now has really shaken him. It’s real.

Be prepared for an anything, see you solicitor and be prepared for a complete apology and row back from him, he has been in Walter Mitty land for the last while and now reality is hitting him.
He will try to write and control the story his way. Put you and your daughter first.

Stay strong.

That depends on how it’s framed though, surely ? If the abandoned partner’s resentment frames it in terms of the affair partner being to blame, then of course the child will blame them, regardless of their dad’s part in things. Because they’ve been conditioned to see it that way.

I'm so sorry OP but please look after yourself and your daughter's interests first.

Grey rock him from now on
Start with "you and ow have had time to think about this but I am still processing things so need time to think"...use this time to see solicitors, bank, check all accounts, get evidence.

Tell her together in her home so she has all her familiar things around her, ideally on Friday or Saturday so she has time to process before school next week.
Do not let her stay at GP...she needs stability ,he can see her of course next week but on your agreement

You say he has a Dutch passport...take legal advice about him not getting a UK or Dutch passport door her..register her with whatever agency you need to.
4 weeks staying abroad with a woman she has never met and who could be a complete bitch is a huge no. Holidays in the UK til she is old enough to travel independently. He should come here.
I think there is a baby on the way hence the rush now so please make sure you get absolutely everything as you will be doing 98 per cent of the parenting. You need 98 per cent of family home, pension as your career could be impeded by not being able to work overtime etc
Even if you don't need all the extra money now, you can invest it for DD university fees or buying a house in the future. I suspect moving forward that he will not come 1 weekend a month and find reasons to spend on his new wife and family so you get it now and invest. ATM he has his parents near but if they pass in a few years he has no base in your home town.
Once your daughter is told and you have instructed a solicitor it's grey rock all the way. Only take on parenting apps and official channels. He is trying to downplay the bomb he is setting off in your family to make himself feel better.
Set a date for him to remove all of his clothes from your house.
Do not offer to move or downsize as this is your daughter's home. This can be sorted once she is at uni.

Good luck

OP has a child to think about and, thankfully is approaching this from a much more measured standpoint than some of the batshit ‘advice’ on here. A lawyer won’t ‘nail him to the wall’ - a 50/50 split is the starting point and from there depends on circumstance. OP needs to maintain a reasonable relationship with STBXH for co-parenting, given that he will be in a different country, which makes things more difficult, so advising her to fill herself full of resentment and hatred, and to visit websites to reinforce those feelings when she’s only a few days into her life being turned upside down isn’t exactly helpful.

You did well, OP.
I wouldn't let him in again though.
Also don't say another word about a solicitor or any legal stuff, even that you're meeting or talking to someone.
I did say it sounds like it’s only practical for you and her not for DD who should be his priority. What did he say to this?
It beggars belief that he can say to your face that moving abroad away from his DD for a fling is not like that', but I guess at least you can take comfort in the fact that he's showing you exactly who he is and how he thinks.

Lots of advice on here, some good, some eyebrow raising.

I’ve not been through this myself but I have plenty of friends who have and my own father was a right piece of work.

It‘s laudable you want to maintain your dignity. I agree with everyone who says to get yourself the best, toughest lawyer you can afford. Even one you can’t. As plenty have said, your husband has dressed it up but has essentially abandoned you and your daughter to pursue a life in Spain. You and she are literally on your own. I’m sure he’s made noises that „I’ll always be there for my daughter“ - but he won’t, will he? You are the one person she can trust, presently.

My mother was pretty much destitute when my father left her - I’m really glad that isn’t the case for you and your daughter and that you have financial security. I do agree that you need a lawyer who will fight for everything you can financially. What happens if you get sick and can’t work? My husband was diagnosed with leukaemia when our youngest turned 1. I would approach this with the mindset you will need to finance everything in future and proceed accordingly. You need insight into how much he’s squirrelled away whilst seconded in South America because you can bet that generous stipend has been siphoned off for the new life in Madrid. There’s a bank account somewhere that you know nothing about and half of that at least is needed for your daughter‘s security. You have 11 more years to get through plus potentially university to fund.
I would also push to have some sort of protections over his access to your daughter if possible. Certainly whilst she’s younger, and at the beginning of this, I wouldn’t want her going to Spain. I’d want him to visit her here. I don’t know the legalities of this but I’d absolutely be looking into this.

finally, you’re a Queen. I take my hat off to you as well as send you so much love for what you are going through. It doesn’t feel like it now but you will come through this all the better for him having left you in peace.

You are literally my hero and how I’d like to behave if I were in your shoes.

This is excellent advice. It may only be a precaution but he has shown he can't be trusted.

FW is an abbreviation commonly used when discussing cheaters - I will leave it to Google to explain! Check out chumplady.com for more useful terms. Thanks for age update but the argument still stands. OP is under absolutely no obligation to agree with FWs delusional plans. And if he tries anything without her express consent he will be arrested for child abduction. In most families planning on blending- say, after amicable splits- it is a v slow process of gradual introduction to new partners. Always taking child’s needs into consideration. What he’s been planning is basically a complete seismic shift, abandoning child, mother and home with no mutuality whatsoever.

Just remember @Notmyostrich , he didn't come to see you for your sake, or your DD, he came because you messaged the OW and he's afraid you're trying to scare her off, that's what matters to him now. Sadly all his talk of being reasonable is to get his own way, don't feel you have to be generous to him, take your solicitor's advice and make sure you get money and visitation tied down tight. Go for what works for your DD, not what suits him.

There’s a lot of bitter people on here suggesting all sorts of things like exposing him on social media and involving his employer. These are beneath your dignity and I think you know that. I imagine you already regret messaging the other woman.

There’s nothing you can do to change what’s going to happen so all you can do is concentrate on the practical. Finances, living arrangements, the mechanics of divorce. Don’t hide what he’s done but don’t advertise it. Make all decisions with your child’s best interests in mind, even if it hurts you.

When you look back from the better position that I know you will be in five years from now, you’ll be proud rather than embarrassed.

Absolutely this.

You have your DD's future to think about (he clearly doesn't) so please fight for it.

WTF?!?!

No OP, please don't do any of this. You'll look like an absolute psycho at best (yes I know he's done wrong) and at worst, will get arrested for harrassment.

What's it got to do with his work?! I doubt they'd care in the slightest what a grown adult did on his own free time outside of work.

And getting a sugar daddy who works in law?! 😂

Sorry you are going through this!

it’s just not ok that he wants to arrange contact with his daughter in a foreign country. If it was me I would not be ok with this. Please seek legal advice asap as regards your daughter. The court will stipulate what is acceptable but for me if he wants a relationship with her he needs to do this here. This could get messy very quickly op. Please make sure you’re appointing a good family lawyer quickly.

good luck!

@Notmyostrich I completely understand your desire not to “start a fight” about money and certainly to make a clean break as soon as possible with the least amount of money wasted on acrimony and lawyers - in many ways, that’s very wise.

But as many other posters have said: you may be earning the same but you’re going to be spending way more since DD is going to be with you full time. Not to mention the mental load is definitely going to be 100% yours - it’s already been that way for the 6 months he was away.

So if he doesn't contribute, you will be spending more of your money. You seem to be in a fortunate financial situation, which is great - but what about the future? What if you suddenly can’t work and need all the money you can get?

If you find yourself still more than comfortable with your income only, put his maintenance into a savings account for your DD for her future. Maybe keep some of it in another account for emergencies (eg you can’t work) and if in the end you haven’t used it, gift it to your DD.

Well, I think your advice is crap and come across as rather bitter.

Mind yourself OP and don't turn bitter like this person.

I think you sound like the bitter one to be honest. OP is taking a measured thoughtful approach, not least because she has her child to consider. That seems to enrage the more batshit posters who clearly want her to throw caution to the wind, behave like an absolute fishwife and take him to the cleaners. None of which is helpful because in the UK divorce is no fault and the financial settlement is based on the needs of each party - that’s what her solicitor is for.

How is saying go for a clean break crap advice? How is accepting someone may stay together (far more affair partners do than the people want to admit) crap advice? How is saying you will be sad at points bitter? How is she honestly bitter? You come across as the bitter jealous ex who can’t handle her ex and the OW are happy
.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you 💐

FWIW, I think your approach is absolutely correct.

I’ve seen so much bitter energy and spite against exes and all it does is result in lifelong misery for both partners, but worse still fucked up children (excuse my language).

In terms of maintenance (IF things got tricky, which I’m sure they won’t with your approach), is his employer in the UK and is he paye?

This. Absolutely. There is so much projection here from posters clearly embittered by their own experience and egging OP on to behave in a way clearly alien to her and with no consideration for the vulnerable child caught in the middle of it. Keeping it civilised, while ensuring the financial settlement is fair, is the way to go.