Boyfriend caught sexting

[Vixrest]

The Title says it all really.

I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 10 years now. I’m 29. Very much in love, living together and have lots of projects for the future.

I recently discovered he has been in contact with a woman for the past 10 years. They exchange messages regularly (every 2 weeks or so) and they are close. They met on social media and it was sexual from the start. They never met each other because she was living far from him and still is. It escalated with nudes and sexual conversations, being very intense. When we met, they stopped this for a while and recently (3 years ago) they started again with actual sessions where it got intense and she would send him videos. He would send her pictures of himself too but not nudes. They also talked about their private lives, about us.

he is saying this had no meaning and he will stop immediately. That it was just an ego stroke and a fantasy. He liked the attention and it was distracting him when we went through a rough patch in our relationship.

im genuinely devastated and don’t know if i can forgive him? I believe him that he never met her and that it was just a game between them, but the messages I saw disturb me. The sex talk was really intense and they seemed so into it, and he was very much asking her for more and more like he couldn’t get enough etc.

our relationship is dead isn’t it

How did you see the messages? Find them or did he show you? I couldn’t forgive it, it’s still cheating

Yes, it's dead, I'm afraid. I couldn't get past this, nor would I want to.
So much deceit from him, I don't know where to start.
Tell him it's over. You're only young, there's so much more out there for you.
Sending ❤️

Sorry OP but I don’t think this is forgivable. This isn’t a one off conversation turning sexual on one occasion when drunk and then regretting it the next morning situation.

At best, this man had a three year emotional affair with another woman who he has clearly used for sexual gratification even if not in person. At worst he’s cheated on you and met up with her.

How could you trust him to be faithful in the future after this? Especially after his underwhelming reaction to being caught - if it means so little to him, why has he jeopardised his entire relationship with you in pursuit of it. It’s deeper than he’s making out.

Bin him, block him, move on

@Coconutter24I found them. He actually archived the conversation in WhatsApp and turned off the notification for it. But I found out. He was deleting the conversation very regularly and keeping some videos in his private cloud (this he admitted later)

You know the answer love, you just needed to say it out loud and be reassured you arent crazy. Bin him immediately - if you stay with this man he will ruin your life. Seriously.

Yes it's dead because he killed it. You can never ever trust him again.

@graygooseby ruining my life do you mean he would do much worse in the future ? I am shocked tbh I don’t know what to think anymore

You poor thing OP, that is devastating. He's been doing this for 10 years? Just shocking.

@Lmnop22he’s saying exactly that, that he used her because they had this sexual connection and that she used him too. Whenever I was not with him he would contact her and they would have these wild conversations. What really hurt me is a found a message of him saying he would think of her pics while having sex with me. How is this even real. We always had a very intense sex life and I thought we were very much happy and connected, why just why

I’m sorry OP but yes I do. He had broken your trust and lied to you for the entirety of your relationship (if I read correctly). Logically, if a friend came to you and told you this happened to them, what would you say? Why don’t you deserve the same amount of love that you would give to that friend by being honest with her and wanting the best for her?

I know it’s scary. And sunk cost fallacy is a really thing. You have spent almost your entire adult life with this man. Walking away must seem inconceivable. But be your own friend. And imagine the life that you wanted for yourself as a little girl. Protect that little girl from someone who has done her harm and should not be trusted with her heart and the rest of her life.

You can do this. It will feel terrible and shitty and embarrassing and scary but you can do this. And you will build a beautiful life for yourself where you aren’t lied to, cheated on and taken for granted. There is no rainbow without the rain.

I say this with so much as someone who was you, 2 years ago.

@RosieSpring10 years on and off yes. But these last 3 years regularly and it had escalated, because we had more fights and our relationship was suffering

So sorry this has happened to you. That is a high level of deceit, a hidden life you were never meant to know about. How can you ever trust him again, staying with him will eat away at you every day. Please choose a better life for yourself.

Eurgh that’s so gross, it’s not even like porn which I don’t necessarily agree with because of the treatment of the women involved but at least it’s anonymous people.

This man pretended to be committed to you whilst simultaneously using an ex/friend/someone he knows for sexual pleasure over and over again whenever he wanted to masturbate? And he is seriously pretending that it was only ever about his sexual gratification when he has a girlfriend or his hand and his imagination if needs must?

The fact he told her he thought about her when sleeping with you also is such a hugely offensive and upsetting thing for you but also betrays his desire to please/placate her and shows that this isn’t just horny erotic fiction via text but a deep rooted emotional connection.

Im afraid if they lived closer, there’s no doubt this would have been a full blown affair if it wasn’t already.

I really feel for you, my kids’ dad had an affair and left when our youngest was a newborn and it was the most awful and soul destroying time. I felt completely devastated. But that was two years ago and I’m a relationship with an amazing guy now who worships me and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.

Sorry but he doesn’t respect you and you will always have this hanging over you. The trust is gone and you are the one suffering. Please ltb and show him that even tho he doesn’t respect you you respect yourself more. What would he do if you were found to be speaking to another man and sending sex videos? This has gone on for years. Do urself a huge favour and get rid of him.

I don't think you'll ever trust him again. Sorry this has happened to you 🌷

What really hurt me is a found a message of him saying he would think of her pics while having sex with me.

As if his behaviour wasn't betrayal enough OP this just reduces you to nothing but a substitute for her body .

How absolutely devastating for you.
How can he minimise his behaviour when he has aactualky admitted this?

Don’t even consider forgiving this scum bag.

@Lmnop22If this wasn’t enough I also found out he was keeping nudes of his exes in his cloud. He was very clever about it aswell, turning off notifications, storing things in a cloud I (theoretically) don’t have access. He’s so cold about it. That it was only about keeping him entertained when I was not available. I’m so happy for you that you moved on and are in a healthy relationship now :)

@Vixrest your relationship is dead in the water not only because he's a lying cheat but because he's lying to himself as well.

You never had his full heart. He was always sharing parts with this other woman. He went back to her over and over again on purpose. Nothing you said or did was enough for him to focus only on you.

It won't change now he's been caught. You can't get back something you never had in the first place.

Dump him. Heal. Learn to love yourself and set healthy boundaries then go back out there and find your real soulmate because they will be out there waiting for you.

It was never this guy. Your heart just hasn't realised that yet.

Bin him off. He's a shit and a cheat and you deserve better!!

I’m so sorry, this really isn’t appropriate behaviour at all. No explanations or apologies would be enough to make me want to be with someone who acts this way. Who keeps photos of exes, presuming they are explicit, I’m sure his exes wouldn’t be very pleased.

@FartSock5000he keeps going on about she doesn’t mean anything for him at all but it just makes me sick. Went back to her only because it was convenient and she was game. Are most men like this? He is a very attractive and intelligent man so I suppose it was easy for him to have a woman under his spell at this level but still. It baffles me. He had the opportunity so he just took it

I think the fact you’ve gone looking for messages shows the relationship is over, you don’t trust him….. and rightly so!! He’s given you a reason to not trust him. He’s betrayed you for quite a while and lied to your face daily.

Yes, so many more men who cheat, or have other problems.