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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Boyfriend caught sexting

167 replies

Vixrest · 02/03/2026 14:58

The Title says it all really.

I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 10 years now. I’m 29. Very much in love, living together and have lots of projects for the future.

I recently discovered he has been in contact with a woman for the past 10 years. They exchange messages regularly (every 2 weeks or so) and they are close. They met on social media and it was sexual from the start. They never met each other because she was living far from him and still is. It escalated with nudes and sexual conversations, being very intense. When we met, they stopped this for a while and recently (3 years ago) they started again with actual sessions where it got intense and she would send him videos. He would send her pictures of himself too but not nudes. They also talked about their private lives, about us.

he is saying this had no meaning and he will stop immediately. That it was just an ego stroke and a fantasy. He liked the attention and it was distracting him when we went through a rough patch in our relationship.

im genuinely devastated and don’t know if i can forgive him? I believe him that he never met her and that it was just a game between them, but the messages I saw disturb me. The sex talk was really intense and they seemed so into it, and he was very much asking her for more and more like he couldn’t get enough etc.

our relationship is dead isn’t it

OP posts:

Browharhar · 02/03/2026 16:06

Vixrest · 02/03/2026 15:26

@Lmnop22he’s saying exactly that, that he used her because they had this sexual connection and that she used him too. Whenever I was not with him he would contact her and they would have these wild conversations. What really hurt me is a found a message of him saying he would think of her pics while having sex with me. How is this even real. We always had a very intense sex life and I thought we were very much happy and connected, why just why

What really hurt me is a found a message of him saying he would think of her pics while having sex with me.

That would be the end for me. What a hurtful, destructive thing to say. Bin him.

outerspacepotato · 02/03/2026 16:07

How much time did he spend in 10 years doing something he says "meant nothing?

Bullshit. He's a liar and a cheater. Do you want to waste more time with someone who's lying to you and cheating on you? To have to go get tested regularly and possibly go on PREP?

There could be more closer to home. If I were you, I'd be getting full STI testing because you can't believe a word he says.

Timble · 02/03/2026 16:10

it must feel difficult as you’ve been together a long time but this man has treated you appallingly. You don’t do that to someone you love. He has lied, emotionally cheated and to act like it didn’t mean anything is a real blow, if it didn’t mean anything why do it?
I could never forgive this. I couldn’t trust him at all, life is too short to waste on a man like that.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 02/03/2026 16:13

All that time and energy he has expended on this woman when he could have spent it on you.

Such a betrayal - you deserve WAY better than this shit

Hopefulsalmon · 02/03/2026 16:14

You absolutely can't trust him to ever be honest. His behaviour is disgusting as is his attutude to women.
Walk away and don't look back.

simpledeer · 02/03/2026 16:14

Dump him. Total bastard

Mosaic80 · 02/03/2026 16:20

I’m so sorry, OP. I’d say it’s over. Take the opportunity to run for the hills now before you’re married with children etc and even more tied (I’m sure after 10 years and living together the ties are already pretty strong so I don’t mean to belittle that). It has been 10 years of some contact and 3 solid years of affair level contact with this woman. It sounds like he’s totally dismissing it as “nothing” but it’s a huge thing. And if he needs a “distraction” and an “ego stroke” now, he’s not going to deal well with having a heavily pregnant wife, a baby taking all the attention, elderly parents to deal with, illnesses (either of you) etc. just all the normal life stuff that could get thrown at you. He bailed on a full committed relationship with you by doing this. I wouldn’t give him a chance to do that again.

mumuseli · 02/03/2026 16:20

I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through this.
He has had ample time over the last decade to reflect on what a shitty way this is for him to treat his girlfriend. The fact that he hasn’t put an end to it shows, to me, that he is lacking in a moral compass. Unfortunately there are some people like that out there, who always manage to convince themselves that the immoral things that they are doing is okay.
Fortunately, there are also many lovely people out there who would not treat a partner like this.
I agree with the previous posters who have said you deserve so much better.
x

Happyjoe · 02/03/2026 16:21

Am so sorry OP. Even if you could miraculously find it in your heart to forgive him, I think trusting him would be incredibly hard. And there is the fact, most important fact, is that you deserve better. Sending hugs.

Nofeckingway · 02/03/2026 16:21

If you overlook this and stay you are basically saying that you will forgive anything . And it will escalate we can guarantee. This is an awful long time to be carrying on a whole secret life . Not an unfortunate drunken one night grope but a calculated plot to contact and preserve material from you or anyone else finding out . And then instead of begging forgiveness he is saying it was nothing . It's not nothing and don't let him convince you otherwise . The thoughts of splitting will be hard as you have been with him all your twenties. Don't let him ruin your 30s . Get out as fast you can .

ginasevern · 02/03/2026 16:24

@Vixrest Men have always got a fucking excuse haven't they. It's either depression, boredom or going through a "rough patch". And by sheer coincidence it's always their partner's fault and all their problems are cured by sex with another woman. Were you wanking off to some bloke online whilst your relationship was going through this rough patch OP? No, I thought not. You are in love with what you thought he was, not what he is. You deserve better. Oh, and don't believe a word he says, he'll just read you "the script". In other words, he'll tell you what you want to hear.

TheBlueKoala · 02/03/2026 16:26

@Vixrest There are attractive intelligent men who are decent and then some like yours who aren't. Just congratulate yourself for not having any children by him and go through his cloud thouroughly because he will probably want to keep nudes of you as well when he moves on.

wishingonastar101 · 02/03/2026 16:26

He's been cheating on you for 10 years and you are debating whether the relationship is over or not? Wow.

Endofyear · 02/03/2026 16:26

Well it would definitely be over for me. The lies & deception and the fact that all the time and energy he was putting into interaction with this woman, he could have been investing that time and energy into his relationship with you. I would just never feel the same way about him again.

Swiftie1878 · 02/03/2026 16:30

What a relief that you’ve found out now before you are married or have kids with him.
You deserve so much better.

B1anche · 02/03/2026 16:31

Why would you consider staying with him? He's deceived you for years. How much more humiliation do you want? Raise your bar and leave him. This is NOT normal behaviour.

Myswweetchild · 02/03/2026 16:36

Netcurtainnelly · 02/03/2026 16:05

Yes, so many more men who cheat, or have other problems.

Show quote history

I meant a better life - one free of this crap.
Not necessarily another man.

Original poster

Vixrest · 02/03/2026 16:40

@TheBlueKoalaI actually had an abortion 4 years ago because we thought we were not ready for a child. It was an incredibly difficult time for me and for us. I’m crying right now just thinking about it.

OP posts:

GoldDuster · 02/03/2026 16:44

Rough patch my arse. This is shit but it's done you the biggest favour finding out now. This isn't ok,or salveagable, it's not even bare minimum partnering. His sustained actions have ruined your relationship, and that's on him, not you.

he would think of her pics while having sex with me.

The fact that he has told you this is disturbing and lets me know that he's actually problematic in ways other than the sexual communication with someone else.

You are young, I know this feels devastating, but rip the plaster off, take time to work out who you are and what you want away from the context of him and the relationship and you will look back on this skin tag of a man in the future with a different perspective. Don't try to make this work, don't let him talk you round, you will regret it.

Ferdyandthegingerone · 02/03/2026 16:51

Vile twat. So he’d be fine with you doing that would he? Sending fanny shots and sexting with some bloke from your past? And telling him that he was thinking of him when you were having sex? Would he fuck. His teeny, tiny fragile little ego couldn’t cope with that, he’d be off like a shot. And he knows it. He can get in the bin. 10 years??? Not a chance.

You are 29, do not settle for this, or any other, lying turd. And yes unfortunately, many, many men do this revolting shite, far more than most of us are comfortable to admit. Doesn’t mean you should it accept it though!!!
Think of this as a lucky escape. Bye bye loser……

ilikemethewayiam · 02/03/2026 16:52

what he’s saying is…you are not enough! If you were, he would not need to fill these ‘gaps’. He will always be looking to fill these voids with another ‘fantasy’ or ‘thrill’. It won’t change unless he understands he has a problem and maybe has some counselling.

sorry OP. It would change how I feel about him and that would probably be the end for me.

Original poster

Vixrest · 02/03/2026 17:06

Thank you so much to everyone. For your advice. I was such a mess today and now I’m thinking things through and see it all a bit more clearly. We live together so I’m going away for a while because I obviously don’t want to see him. I’m still in shock. He deleted the texts but I found screenshots on his cloud and I can’t get the words out of my head. It is so graphic and intense I just can’t believe it. They were having full blown scenario in their heads about the things they would do to each other irl. He would ask her for videos she had to say things to him, the words the positions etc. Again thank you for the handhold because I’m just in tears

OP posts:

TheBlueKoala · 02/03/2026 18:58

Vixrest · 02/03/2026 16:40

I am so sorry. You deserve so much better than this pervy dickhead. 🌺

NormasArse · 02/03/2026 19:02

Vixrest · 02/03/2026 15:26

You deserve much better than this.

Lmnop22 · 02/03/2026 20:01

Vixrest · 02/03/2026 15:41

@Lmnop22If this wasn’t enough I also found out he was keeping nudes of his exes in his cloud. He was very clever about it aswell, turning off notifications, storing things in a cloud I (theoretically) don’t have access. He’s so cold about it. That it was only about keeping him entertained when I was not available. I’m so happy for you that you moved on and are in a healthy relationship now :)

You saying he’s so cold about it resonates with me bedside that’s EXACTLY how my ex was when his affair was discovered. Just cold and indifferent to me and checked out. Didn’t care if I forgave him or not because he was just already done. He got over me before he even ended it whereas I had to live in the nightmare of finding out with a newborn

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