Boyfriend caught sexting

[Vixrest]

The Title says it all really.

I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 10 years now. I’m 29. Very much in love, living together and have lots of projects for the future.

I recently discovered he has been in contact with a woman for the past 10 years. They exchange messages regularly (every 2 weeks or so) and they are close. They met on social media and it was sexual from the start. They never met each other because she was living far from him and still is. It escalated with nudes and sexual conversations, being very intense. When we met, they stopped this for a while and recently (3 years ago) they started again with actual sessions where it got intense and she would send him videos. He would send her pictures of himself too but not nudes. They also talked about their private lives, about us.

he is saying this had no meaning and he will stop immediately. That it was just an ego stroke and a fantasy. He liked the attention and it was distracting him when we went through a rough patch in our relationship.

im genuinely devastated and don’t know if i can forgive him? I believe him that he never met her and that it was just a game between them, but the messages I saw disturb me. The sex talk was really intense and they seemed so into it, and he was very much asking her for more and more like he couldn’t get enough etc.

our relationship is dead isn’t it

It’s the rough patch comment that’s the worst I think. Like he is owed sexual gratification and if you are not providing that he’s justified to seek it elsewhere. So what happens when you have a small baby/berevement/overworked at work instead of focusing on your own needs and getting through it you will have that in your mind that if you stop being redily available for sex he will stray.

if you respect someone you don't justify this behaviour with such an excuse. Whatever ones definition of cheating it comes down to the amount of respect he has for you. Say it’s not cheating- does he respect you?

I’d be out of such a relationship personally. Although I do appreciate you love him and this is a hard decision for you despite all of us saying leave him. You need to love yourself and you deserve better

OP I've just read all your messages and I am gutted for you but I can see you're waking up to the lies you've been told and how he has normalised his porn addiction to you and made you a part of it. He has done you a massive favour. You won't think that now but in 5 years when you're with a real man who isn't addicted to porn you will thank your lucky stars that you got out when you did. Like pp have said if you stay with him you will always have doubts in your mind about what he is up to. If you're busy with work, or tired with a new baby. It sounds like you weren't entirely 100% about your abortion either which is really sad to hear. You are strong and young. Ditch him and move on. I split up with a long-term partner at 30 and I'm now with a lovely man who treats me right and we've got two lovely kids. If that's what you want then you can have it with someone else.

It’s not real !
You can’t feel something for someone you’ve never met .
It was sexual on line bullshit .
Yeah , 10 years of getting his rocks off to a stranger who was doing the same in return 🤷🏻‍♀️.
Someone he conversed with when he was horny .
Like he’s personal call girl .
It’s just if it was me , like I was saying above
What when he’d meet someone out some night that he got talking to that he found attractive?
You couldn’t trust him .
What good is there in being with someone you can’t trust , only tormentation & unhappiness.

Its dead.

Tbh porn doesnt bother me personally in relationships but this is something else. Hes escalating the use, solicitating nudes, storing old pics and dirty convos in a secret data cloud.

I actually believe about this woman, sounds like she was like a IRL blow up doll for him. But why would that be better? Its not even the sex element, its the sly stashing of images the plans to get away with it. He cant be faithful to you. He doesnt want to be faithful.

It doesnt even matters if he does love you because this is as good as gets with him. If you forgive him its either a matter of time or a choice to turn a blind eye. Im sorry, hes just not changing.

I think you already know the answer to your question

@Missj25 Weirdly it makes me feel better to see things like that. I prefer to believe it was also emotional between them. I don’t even know why. Maybe because it would justify his need to pursue the affair. He had all the sex he wanted from me. Believe me when I say we had the most amazing sexual life, it was mind blowing and I’m convinced I will never find it elsewhere. I don’t think he was frustrated. I can’t get my head around it.

Its shit im saying this.

You werent special.

Shes not special, this wasnt a struggle he couldnt resist. This wasnt an affair he couldnt help himself from.

Hes an any holes a goal type of man.

Hes been cheating consistently for 3 years, minimum. Hes been using excessive amounts of porn and pics of his ex.

And probably the only half decent thing hes done was clear about his limitations when you needed to decide whether to proceed with your last pregnacy so you could make a considered decision.

He didnt cheat because sex with you wasnt good. He didnt cheat because he was so overwhelmed he couldnt resist. Hes not ill or broken or confused. He did it because he wanted to, and he could. And hes managed it for years. And if you hadnt caught him he might be doing it right now. Id not be surprised if he still is TBH.

Dont torture yourself, this isnt a reflection of you. Hes just a pig.

@Laura95167 If she’s only a blow up doll, why wouldn’t he use me instead? He was contacting her when I could have been here and game too. Why not just call me and make time for us have a conversation or more. It’s not like I wouldn’t have been opened to it he knows that. We had an extremely passionate relationship and I really can’t understand what could have been missing for him. Genuinely I don’t want to write more about the content of their relationship but it’s the most insane thing ever, it’s like he had this power over her

@Laura95167 Yes he was very clear about not wanting to be a father - just yet. We had plans to become parents soon though. The abortion was the most difficult thing I ever had to go through and our relationship suffered badly. He was probably all over her during that time, my libido was non existent and it was hell

What he's done to you is unforgiveable. This is a man who prioritises his dick over all aspects of his life. And he's an adult male, not an inbetweener who has just discovered masturbation. Set him free, because if you don't you'll never have peace of mind again. You're worth more than this.

Jesus OP .
How many men out there have the most beautiful / smart women by their side ?.
Great sex , great home life, & they still fucking cheat !!!
They do it because they want to , because they can .
They’re egotistical, greedy .
They have it all , but they still want more .

The way youre writing this he has power over you.

Im not following why 10 years down the line after everything youll have shared with him your sticking point is "i was really 'passionate' in bed with him, if he wanted dirty id be dirty so why did he cheat?"

FWIW Imo I think part of the thrill was it wasnt you. The element of ooh im getting away with this on the sneak. That it was hidden and illicit, and only his pleasure mattered. Seems like he enjoyed an awful lot of self pleasure even when she wasnt speaking to him.

Or horribly maybe you were too convenient, or not as passionate as you think from his perspective, or not as open to some of their fantasys, or he fancied her more,.. millions of reasons none of them nice or helpful. He did it because he could.

Noones saying you were bad in bed or he didnt love you or enjoy your sex life.. just that it didnt slow him down.

Dont think it matters how passionate you are I dont believe he will ever stop doing it, he will tell himself because it isn't PiV its not cheating. And it is.

If he wanted a family "soon" im not following the logic as to why that pregnacy was too soon. I think you want to be grateful you arent tied to him with a child or a pregnacy

And probably, I imagine anytime hes stressed or frustrsted he needs a little angry wank and if some random woman wants to talk filth or video call while he does all the better

Honestly, you haven't dodged a bullet hes the full firing squad

No way would I tolerate this level of deceit in a partner. Doesn’t matter why he did it, whether it “meant anything” or was some kind of addiction. Dishonesty is foundational to the way he operates. Instant bin.

@Vixrest This isn't a man you want to be the father of your future children. Do it for yourself, and find someone worthy of starting a family with one day💐

@Laura95167 It was too soon because we are living in London and we didn’t want to start a family there. Our careers are here and we had plan to move and start where we wanted to settle. He was adamant he could see himself as a father but not before 34 or 35 years old, when his career was more secure and stable. It was awful and traumatic for me and absolutely not a decision I had to take lightly but I knew if this wasn’t done our couple was not surviving. Little did I know he would do that behind my back all the way through. I just can’t seriously. Sorry for the rant.. I’m speechless

Afraid so!

Reverse the situation for a moment. Would you feel as though you were cheating on your DP if you had been sexting another person?

Your DP knows he’s been cheating and trying to wriggle out of it by saying they haven’t met, so it’s just an ego stroke. Cheating is cheating. He can’t be trusted.

I think tbf the title does say it all, the porn rabbit hole is irrelevant (because it’s just 100% fantasy) but regardless as to what he says, he was emotionally invested in someone else for 3 YEARS!!, it’s not an ego boost it’s his (albeit fanciful) perfect woman, grass is greener, fallback that he has undoubtedly wanted to be his reality

Im so sorry you went through that. And i think youre right, if you'd continued your pregnancy youd have lost your relationship. But the truth is its never going to be the one you want it to be. I know that hurts

And i am genuinely concerned youre looking for one of us to say - forgive him, it was a mistake, you can get past this. But I genuinely think this is who he is and how he behaves and if you forgive him he will continue. You'll have to go round in circles or turn blind eyes til you're spinning if you wanted to stay with him.

You need to know why doesnt matter. He did it. For a decade. Through all your ups and downs. Called them for a wank, instead of you for intimacy. And you need to walk away even if its killing you, he wasnt worth it.

Theres a Japanese proverb, when you realise youre on the wrong train you just need to get off as soon as possible. Becuase the longer you leave it, the further youll have to travel to get back to where you want to be. Its not about trains.

Oh gosh. This is so awful and majorly f**ked up.

He is a total weirdo and NO most men are NOT like this IME.

I think leaving him, however painful that may be, is your only option, as difficult as that may be. There are so many nicer men out there…

He's a player and once a player always a player.
Time to bin him and find someone you can trust.

Similar happened with my ex. Girl online in another country, knew her longer than me ! I grabbed his phone and locked myself in the bathroom. He was using only fans and had other girls too.

You're only scratching the surface.

He does not respect you.

A person who loves you would not do this to you.

@Bones101Im sorry it happened to you too… Did you read the messages?

I’m ruminating and can’t stop thinking about them it’s driving me mad. One in particular he’s telling her he’s convinced that in 10 or 15 years maximum they would finally f!ck each other… (?) I don’t understand how I could live this person for so long. I’m disgusted

He's been actively deceiving and betraying you. For years! I'm sorry but in my opinion, it's akin to cheating, that level of deliberate engagement with another woman. If he has to hide it, then he knew he shouldn't be doing it. The relationship is dead & has been for years, you just didn't know it.

I think he’s telling you it means nothing to him and that there was no emotions involved as he will think it looks better that way. In his head he thinks tellling you that he was using her and only had feelings for you makes it less bad but you’re right in saying why did he do it then, after all this time there has to be a connection there.

He liked the attention, it doesn’t matter how much sex you two have or how good your relationship has been in the last, he liked the ego boost this other person gave him.

I have been in your position and after a lot of thinking I decided to forgive and forget but with new boundaries and expectations in our relationship. For me it worked well, we are now happily married with a family but it did take a very long time to rebuild trust. The main difference is his sexting was a very short time compared to your boyfriends.

I think you need to take time away from him, you need to decide if you can trust him again and what you want from this relationship. If you can’t trust him then the relationship is completely over. My main worry would be, now that he’s been doing this for so long how will he be able to stop? It’s like an addiction, he can block her and say he’s moved on but it’s so easy to unblock people.