hi @Vixrest
ive been in almost exactly your situation -prolonged sexting, didn’t meet up because of distance.
We are still together because we are in deeper than you - we are in our 40s, married, run a business together, 3 children.
If I had found out when I was your age, I would have left.
The thing that I would find it hard to get past is that he said he would think of her pics while having sex with you.
I can see why that has hurt you immensely.
My husband might have said similar, but I don’t know. I haven’t seen the extent of their conversations, all I saw was photos they sent each other and screenshots he took (I only saw camera roll, no access to WhatsApp etc.)
My husband says what I saw was the extent of it. Obviously I suspect it was the tip of the iceberg.
My husband was also planning to meet her for sex (not easy due to the distance) but in the end couldn’t go through with it.
He says the same as yours though, about it all being fantasy and just an ego boost.
One big difference though is that you guys have a good sex life. At the time this happened, we hadn’t had sex for years, due to traumatic birth with second child and a serious birth injury with the third, alongside other factors which meant I was just quite unwell (postnatal depression).
we literally did not have sex or sexual contact for years and were fighting all the time. So it was escapism for him.
im not excusing it, but i can understand it. He was effectively forced into celibacy.
We now have a lot of sex and, like you, I do feel I’d struggle to find someone else I’m as well matched with in that regard. Interestingly though, we are exactly the same in that he says no matter how often we have sex, it’s the lack of initiating from me that he struggles with. I guess he wants to feel desired / wanted. Like you, I have responsive desire, so it takes him warming me up. I don’t know the answer to this.
Anyway, we have great sex now. And he claims
he is so, so sorry for what he did and will never ever do anything like that again.
Do I believe him? I don’t know. Partly I think he’s just sorry he got caught. I would be surprised if he did it again. When I found out I threw him out and he was couch surfing for 2.5 weeks. I think it hit home how much he had to lose. But I don’t kid myself that part of it would be reluctance to give up his home comforts, and living with his kids (who he adores). I don’t feel he’s here out of crazy love for me. He dos love me, I suppose; but there’s no denying the lack of respect and his need for perving on other women. As you say, is that all men? I suspect it’s the vast majority of them.
So yes, I am jaded and I do think most men are pretty horrible in this regard. Having said that, I would he surprised if he did this again. Now that he is having regular sex at home I just don’t think it’s worth the risk to him now.
But in a way, that doesn’t even matter to me. It’s the fact that he did it in the first place. I won’t ever get over that. We have great sex, he’s a great dad, we get on well together. But I will never, ever forget the images and messages that I saw. I will never fully trust him again. I will never get over the resentment that while I was struggling at home with the kids and my numerous operations, he was at work sending her photos of him wanking.
Obv nobody knows your situation as well as you do, but I feel if I was your age without all the baggage that I have, I would walk away.