Boyfriend caught sexting

[Vixrest]

The Title says it all really.

I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 10 years now. I’m 29. Very much in love, living together and have lots of projects for the future.

I recently discovered he has been in contact with a woman for the past 10 years. They exchange messages regularly (every 2 weeks or so) and they are close. They met on social media and it was sexual from the start. They never met each other because she was living far from him and still is. It escalated with nudes and sexual conversations, being very intense. When we met, they stopped this for a while and recently (3 years ago) they started again with actual sessions where it got intense and she would send him videos. He would send her pictures of himself too but not nudes. They also talked about their private lives, about us.

he is saying this had no meaning and he will stop immediately. That it was just an ego stroke and a fantasy. He liked the attention and it was distracting him when we went through a rough patch in our relationship.

im genuinely devastated and don’t know if i can forgive him? I believe him that he never met her and that it was just a game between them, but the messages I saw disturb me. The sex talk was really intense and they seemed so into it, and he was very much asking her for more and more like he couldn’t get enough etc.

our relationship is dead isn’t it

All this, and he even discusses your personal life with this other woman, who he thinks about while having sex with you. That is so disrespectful, I'd leave him for that alone.

OP, it's frightening to leave someone you've been with for 10 years. But all you have ahead is more of the same, or worse, when sexting is no longer enough and he moves on to a physical affair, or paying women for sex. If you stay with him, you have nothing good ahead. You're still young enough to leave and find someone who loves and respects you.

He’s effectively been cheating on you for years. You really, really need to dump him. He’s a horrible man.

It doesn’t matter whether it ‘doesn’t mean anything’ to him. The fact that it does mean something to you, and that’s all that matters. The vast majority of people, men and women, would consider it a colossal betrayal and he’s being a total cunt by trying to minimise it.

@Vixrest

Is he older than you? Because if you’ve been together since you were 19, and he is the same age as you, are those photos of exes not potentially photos of girls under 18?

I'm so sorry OP. But if it meant nothing then do did your relationship. Because it you meant something to him, he would not have done this. I do not think there is any coming back from this. He's acting cold because he is annoyed you found out and now he will have to either stop or be more careful. Those are not the actions of someone who cares about you.

Start telling people so you can get some real life support. Of course you're reeling. Of course you're crying. But you are a good person and you will get through this.

@BauhausOfEliotthe’s 1 year older than me. One ex was older than him I know for sure. The other one same age, it didn’t last long. So I know they were 18+ for sure. It looks like pics they have taken together during sex, both looked aware of the camera. But I hated seeing these. If he kept them we all know why

@LeftieRightsHoarder I know he loves porn. Always has. He used to ask me for permission to wank over it and that he would only finish by looking at nudes of myself. Now I realise the bullshit it was. Properly my nudes were not enough so he needed more material

This. Sorry OP x

Shut up you muppet.

It’s not that your nudes weren’t enough, it’s that he’s not good enough to stay faithful to you and is chasing fantasies all the time. It’s a him problem!

Yeah, it was shitty of him to keep them - shitty to you and also shitty to the women in them.

That’s… quite weird.

It’s not that your pictures weren’t enough; he’s just playing you. I think that because you were so young when you got together, you maybe don’t have a very clear idea of what a healthy relationship looks like. And he seems to still be behaving like a teenage boy at the age of 30.

I'm afraid to say you've wasted 10 years. What really grates is that you found out about this years ago and chose to carry on. Now at 29 your options are not nearly as broad as they would have been at 22-23. Cut your losses NOW.

Sorry thats happened to you OP. Definitely leave him, you deserve to be respected and valued. You will find someone who does OP but it's not him and it'll never be him, he won't change he's just telling you he will because he's acting remorseful because he's been caught out.

What a horrible thing to find out. I’ve been there (together 6 years; it had been going on for three years; started online and found it on his phone). I did dump my ex because I tried to make a second go of it but it was never the same. The damage was done and I didn’t see why I had to be the one to try to live with it and drive myself insane trying to block it all out and not rake over it and somehow trust a liar when I’d done nothing wrong.

He’s saying it didn’t really mean anything but that in itself is horrible and no consolation at all: he seems to think that saying this will somehow convince you that lying for ten years is meaningless, sexual chat with someone else is meaningless, his disrespect towards you is meaningless, the permanently broken trust is meaningless. He’s full of bull. It wasn’t meaningless because otherwise he wouldn’t have done it again and again. He quite obviously got something from it that he was too selfish to resist.

You clearly deserve better than him, OP. It’s too big a betrayal and he’s not even seeming to grasp how massive it is.

OP didn’t say she found out years ago.

Now at 29 your options are not nearly as broad as they would have been at 22-23.

How the fuck is that helpful to the OP?

It’s bollocks anyway. It’s not the 18th century. She can dump this twat and have a fantastic future at 29.

And she didn’t say she found out years ago.

@BauhausOfEliottwe had this agreement regarding porn because I got a bit reluctant and worried about his use. This is what he offered, to look at pictures of me at the end of his session… sick isn’t it? I didn’t particularly like it, but it made him happy. I realise now all the things he would make me accept. I thought I was the only one but he’s an addict. I didn’t know it would go that far.

Agree.

OP, unfortunately a lot of men will see forgiveness as a greenlight to treat you with disrespect because you allowed it in the first instance.

If you stay, deceit will eat away at you. You will begin to lose yourself and you will gaslight yourself limboing between looking for evidence of further betrayal and telling yourself it's all in your head.

It will hurt, but you are young and youthful. You have time to start over with somebody who deserves you when you are ready.

Take care.

@CalmTheFuckDownMargaretyou’re right. I didn’t found out years ago. When I confronted him I asked him to tell me all the truth and give me a timeline of all that happened with this woman and this is what he said. How long it lasted, the on and off period etc

Please make better choices in future we can go all fluffy bunnies and butterflies and life should be perfect and men shouldnt treat you like this but for your own sake work on whatever you need to so you can ensure you dont end up in a reloving door of men who treat you like this because you let them

they will treat you this way because for them they get away with it dont be a doormat

He is not an addict. Stop making excuses for him.

OP please check what he has done with those nudes ofyou, he may have shared them.😢

For the love of god please tell me she didint?

Yes, you need to start protecting yourself now. Find out where he keeps those nudes if you, find out if he’s shared them etc.
Then get the hell out of there.

OP don’t waste another minute on this guy. He’s only fit for the bin 🗑️.

You have your whole life ahead of you, don’t throw it away on this loser.