Boyfriend caught sexting

[Vixrest]

The Title says it all really.

I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 10 years now. I’m 29. Very much in love, living together and have lots of projects for the future.

I recently discovered he has been in contact with a woman for the past 10 years. They exchange messages regularly (every 2 weeks or so) and they are close. They met on social media and it was sexual from the start. They never met each other because she was living far from him and still is. It escalated with nudes and sexual conversations, being very intense. When we met, they stopped this for a while and recently (3 years ago) they started again with actual sessions where it got intense and she would send him videos. He would send her pictures of himself too but not nudes. They also talked about their private lives, about us.

he is saying this had no meaning and he will stop immediately. That it was just an ego stroke and a fantasy. He liked the attention and it was distracting him when we went through a rough patch in our relationship.

im genuinely devastated and don’t know if i can forgive him? I believe him that he never met her and that it was just a game between them, but the messages I saw disturb me. The sex talk was really intense and they seemed so into it, and he was very much asking her for more and more like he couldn’t get enough etc.

our relationship is dead isn’t it

This is who he is.

He won’t change.

You can’t spend your life wondering if he’s still doing it or doing it again with someone else.

I wouldn't even want to try.

I couldn't get past it
You're doing the right thing ending the lease

So what if he doesn't want to separate? You only need one person to want to end a relationship. It's not an employment contract. You don't have to have a meeting so he can argue his case and you don't have to justify why you find what he's done irreparable.

Good for you that you’ve left and had somewhere to go. Sounds so hard that he won’t leave and keeps trying to force you to talk.

Hopefully your landlord will let you break the lease (presumably he won’t take over your share of rent?) and then you can just get your stuff and start over somewhere new.

it's not about whether the sex with you was good or enough. A decent man would be more than satisfied with it the way you describe it! But cheaters are turned on by the secrecy and transgression itself.
I wish you strength in staying away and not listening to any rationalising/gaslighting on his part.

Some men crave novelty or attention or like collecting nudes or like knowing they are doing something secret or like having a situation where there is zero pressure to be a boyfriend/ potential huband or father, no responsibility for the person they're (imagining) fucking.

But, importantly.... You didn't cause him to do this, it is something internal to him. Don't waste any more head space working out what, you'll tie yourself in knots and solve nothing. Accept that he is flawed and that he's very likely to do this again and if that's not what you want in your future then you have to let him go.

I read all the messages between them. A lot of them were sexual in nature but they also discussed their day, what they were having for dinner, she also had a boyfriend so she would regularly complain about him.

From her end, it seemed like she desperately wanted some attention. A lot of the sexual comments were initiated by her, she would send a photo first etc. He could have easily ignored and stopped it but he didn’t.

When I confronted him, he broke down. He was very honest and forthcoming about everything and allowed me to go fully through his phone. Once I checked everything he deleted the app. I took time to decide what I wanted so he was honest with family and friends and told them what he had been doing.

Once we worked through things, the woman contacted him a year later. We were out and about so I know he didn’t contact her first. He showed me the message as soon as it came up and that week he changed his phone number and deleted social media.

I contacted her and told her to stop attempting to contact him. She was honest and said he disappeared and blocked her without warning so he was confused and upset but I didn’t really have the energy to appease her.

You are so young OP. I know it probably doesn’t feel like that when you’ve spent all of your 20s with someone you trusted and thought was faithful. But if you leave now, in a few years you will look back and be so glad you did. This man will ruin your life, don’t give him another minute of it.

@Lostworlds No way!!! She actually tried to get in touch with him after being blocked?! Seriously what is wrong with her …. I can’t get it…. No dignity whatsoever

That woman seems so into him aswell it’s crazy. I don’t what’s going on her head she’s mental. He would ask her to film herself calling him daddy and get into positions like a porn actress and she would do it like her life depended on it. What the actual hell

You are worth so much more than this man.
You know what to do.
Very sorry x

My ex did similar to this but with multiple women. He begged, pleaded, it didn’t mean anything, blah blah blah. It was for pretty much our whole relationship but he convinced me that it wasn’t ’real’ because he hadn’t met them. I took him back and it stopped for a bit but it soon started back up again. I felt so stupid for trusting him again and wasting another 18 months of my life in a relationship built on lies. I was so embarrassed at the time but I look back now and realise the shame was all his.

@Idontknowwhatmynameis :(
im so sorry it happened to you. How horrible. With multiple women and he couldn’t resist?! :(
Did you manage to understand why? Was he a sex addict? Porn addict? And why these women were accepting to enter this kind of “relationship” with him?

We can put them in categories of porn/sex addicts, and to some extent they are addicted to the dopamine hit, and that is why their behaviours often escalate, as they don't get the same rush from repeating the same behaviour, it has to get riskier. But there is also a high degree of entitlement and narcissistic traits in these men (I was with one for 20 years). They need multiple sources of validation and supply, and they are unlikely to ever change.

@RMN80 This is terrifying omg. So that is why he wanted the sex talk to get dirtier and meaner with her. To chase this feeling of rush? I knew he had a little problem with porn, he was very much into it watching all kinds of videos and wanting to re create scenarios of movies etc. But never ever would I have thought he was a narcissist ? That the sources of validation were so important to him that he can’t resist it. It seems it was stronger than his love for me. I’m in tears again :(

I'm sorry, I didn't want to upset you! I am 2 years out now, so I tend to look at it a little more objectively. I know how it feels when it is all so new. But know that his actions were never a reflection of your worth, only his inability to nurture a real relationship. Men like this hide behind porn, sexting, hookers and sugar babies because they cannot handle real emotions. It isn't love, it is just transactions to them.

@RMN80 No worries. And actually I thank you, this is what I need right now. I’m still in shock and I posted this because I need clarity and actual sense from this.

I was with a guy for several years who cheated on me with a woman 20 years older that he met in a bingo hall. I broke up with him but after a while started talking again. He was now in relationship with a woman from his former workplace, and cheating on her with a woman from his new work place. For him, it was all about filling a void inside him, needing to know he was wanted by multiple people, knowing someone yearned for him. He loved that one was secret because then he had all that unresolved passion in stolen moments, leaving her hanging, her begging him to leave his partner, the drama. Then he had his cosy partner at home to do home making and talk about romantic plans with. Its pathetic and speaks to something missing inside them. Its nothing to do with you, what you give him, the sex you have. Its all about him being an bucket with a hole in it, and no matter how much he pours in he can never fill full.