To find my dysfunctional 70yr+ parents unbearable for hoarding + wittholding seeing wills?

[ByRoseSnake]

Apologies if this is the wrong place to post this - maybe I'll get some insights here. I just feel like I'm parenting my own 70+ parents at this point.

I'm tearing my hair out - and, basically, scared shitless. While I've been struggling to build an independent life and career 300+ miles away for the past 10yrs, my tiny family (who I love dearly) have pretended that time doesn't pass at all.
(For the record, there is only 3 in my family, due to family deaths and no extended family, enforced social isolation etc - so it's just my 2 parents, my older brother who is 30 + has never left home, apparently autistic but refuses to be formally diagnosed, or pull any of his own weight...)

While it's nice to pretend that time doesn't pass, I have been gently asking them for a long time about how they wish to proceed with wills, funerals, life after death, how to manage selling their house etc... This has been going on for over 6 yrs and I've had nothing from them. Apparently the wills are "none of my business", but it lives in "a draw" somewhere - according to my dad. My mum says she has no idea and sighs and just says "oh dear". They have no idea how much the house is even valued at... I'm in no way trying to dig around or pry, but should I at least know where they keep the wills, and have a basic awareness of what to do when they pass??

The main problem is that my dad is a high-functioning alcoholic, but also they are all chronic hoarders, saying for years they will "sort things out". It has only become worse. I'm talking having to make pathways of clutter just to enter certain rooms - in a 3 bedroom house. It is mostly my dad's chronic compulsive spending problem e.g. becoming obsessed with a musical instrument and spending his entire state pension on 3 different banjos that never get played again, because he decided he was interested in banjos after watching a YouTube video...
(for context: I visit home, spend 4hrs cleaning and sorting books, gadgets and crap into boxes, which my parents promise will be taken to charity shops/tip - only to visit 2 months later and it's back in the same place urrrghhh.)

I don't have complaints against people spending their own money - at whatever age - on what they enjoy, but his attitude deeply concerns me. When I earnestly asked "what would you like us (me) to do with all of this stuff when you pass? Shouldn't we be sorting out what is sentimental, of value and important now, rather than later?" He just replied - "I don't care. You can just pay to order a skip and throw it all in there. I'll be dead anyway."
:( Thanks Dad. I don't even know where family photos and documents are stored etc

Nobody else seems to have any awareness of how serious the situation is.
And my brother doesn't even know how to boil an egg, let alone help with these things - he just runs off to his room and says "that's your problem" to me... He hasn't even registered that he'll be homeless if this isn't established, once the time comes. He's been living at home for 10yrs and didn't even know what a metre reading was when I visited at Christmas. I'm definitely not becoming his replacement mummy.

But then I feel like I'll be entirely alone in the world - no family, and a huge amount of mess, memories and mental turmoil to clean up. And no idea about where and how money is going with house sale - or care homes, if that does come up.

It's keeping me up at night - while I'm just simply trying to build my own little life (while keeping the family peace!)

I'm so, so tired of feeling like I have to parent them all. I've tried so hard to talk to them rationally.
And yeah.
Scared shitless about the future AIBU for that, given circumstances?

It is not compulsory to have a will, however if a person wishes to leave their belongings or money to certain people, it helps to have a will.

If there is no will, certain rules apply.

Note
Different countries, have different rules
Example
England, Ireland, Scotland, Wales have different rules

https://www.gov.uk/inherits-someone-dies-without-will

@GasPanic if they really are hoarders then you would be looking at multiple skips. My friend isn’t a hoarder but is selling her house after living in it for 25 years and had got in to the habit of just chucking stuff in the loft and her 2 big sheds and forgetting about it. Her actual living space was fine. We are also guilty of this

About to move and she has had 4 skips at £300 each. It inspired me to do out my loft at a moderate more manageable pace. her full loft was 1.5 skips. My MIL is a hoarder, not dirty but so much stuff. house, garage, loft and 2 big sheds. We reckon 8 skips full, not including actual furniture. I’m dreading it.

Hello - I didn’t have the sibling issue to deal with but I did have the difficult father who refused to engage, was a hoarder and had the attitude of not needing to sort anything out while he was still alive because it would be my problem when he was gone. I guess maybe he saw that as the trade off for inheriting his flat (not a wildly expensive flat but still). Anyway, he refused all help from me and other people in terms of making his living environment better, doing POA, etc so nothing I could do. When he died, I took any paperwork that looked important, all the family photos and a couple of personal items to remember him by. His solicitor acted as executor which, although it cost about £10k, saved me dealing with it. And the house clearance people dealt with the rest. It made a sad situation as easy as could be in the circumstances.

That is heartbreaking for you I’m so sorry and grateful your Mam has you.
I suppose my DP’s have each other and are fiercely independent.
We only help with GP and any hospital appointments.

They are hardly likely to drop dead on the same day though. With my parents after my mum had a stroke and needed care we helped my dad make decisions and fill in forms. As his health started to fail after mum died my sister and I helped sort him out as needed. After he died a meeting with the lawyer who held the will sorted everything else out. Was easy as just 3 bedroom house like OP.
If they have no will it takes longer but the estate will just be split between the 2 siblings.

@ByRoseSnake just sending solidarity as I also have a sibling still living with parent who has never been independent or pulled their weight properly. Ive fully expect parent to have left sibling a right to live in the family home after they've gone, even though sibling will not be able to pay for its upkeep alone. It has in the past made me feel extremely anxious and upset but some years ago I just took a step back and left them to it. Whatever the situation is, we'll deal with it when the time comes but no way will I be parenting my sibling.

They are probably each other's POA as they are a married couple. When one dies or becomes incapacitated that's when you redo the POA.
Your mum's case was different as there was only her.

Actually they may not qualify for cleaners and home help if they have an able bodied son living with them. Remember he hasn't actually been officially diagnosed with anything.

@ByRoseSnake massive hugs on this. On a more practical note - in the event of a fire would the hoarding create a risk to evacuating the building or fire services accessing to rescue/ deal with fire. It might be worth checking out the local fire services resources page on hoarding to see if they need informing?

then again it’s another duty you’d be giving yourself? :/

good luck with it all.

Get some more skips then. And people to help fill them.

The cost will most likely be a tiny fraction compared with the amount that is inherited.

The brother isn't actually officially diagnosed with autism, just says he is so unless he's quite severely disabled it should be even.

You just renounce by signing a Form of Renunciation, there is then an order to who can take out the Letters of Administration and administer the estate. Usually the first named residuary beneficiary will step up.

Alternatively, rather than renouncing, instruct a solicitor to administer the Estate on your behalf, you'll just need to sign stuff.

One will pass and then the other may get into gear may not but don’t waste your life worrying let them get on with it!

Doesn't the will have to be signed by the executor? I have always had to sign when I became executor of someone's will. It's quite a big responsibility and not something everyone wants to do. Same as POA.

Sure. If you click on talk then all topics and work your way down to other stuff, you’ll find a tab for elderly parents. Lots of support and advice can be found there.

Yes, executors had to sign ours and our POA-we got ourselves organised a couple of years ago as no dc, so everything has been left to nieces/nephews, who are also executors if they live in the UK. Those abroad are equal beneficiaries, I'm going to ask that they maintain a UK bank account, think they still have one.

You have a very good observation there. It does seem OP is a bit obsessed with her parents demise when there is 2 of them at this stage and she doesn't mention health problems except her dad's a drinker.

I agree. I am executor for 2 wills atm. Both activated in the last year and the paperwork is overwhelming sometimes. Luckily one is coming to the end end was reasonably simple.

You can renounce the executorship. It's a very simple form. My mum's executor (not a family member) did just that.

You would need to research and consider any downsides to losing control of the situation though.

That's correct, yes. He believes and we also believe that he is, but he refuses to receive a formal diagnosis, even though my parents offered to pay for it privately. I do appreciate that there is no treatment for autism, but it confuses me why he is so resistant to formal diagnosis while declaring to everyone that he is autistic and therefore that is the reason why he can never have a job and/or move out (and also justification for being quite nasty to me).

Especially when it could be useful in matters such as reasonable adjustments in the workplace, or perhaps qualifying for cleaning and home support, as another poster mentioned.

I actually suspect that he can be far more competent than he makes out. He's not severely disabled.

But, I guess that's another thing that I have no control over. And just a tangent to the other issues.

Edit: I also acknowledge that he may also have MH issues going on, which makes things like work and moving out a lot more scary

They're 70 plus not 104.

It's true it's not your business right now what they do with their money. And they just need to tell you (or who they've chosen as exec) where the wills are at some point before they pass.

Their junk once they've died, their estate can pay for it to be removed to landfill or you and family (or whoever inherited it) can sell some of it when the time comes.

Right now if you want them to keep more tidy actually take the boxes of stuff to the tip for them. That seems to be the bit they won't do.

But stop badgering them about wills and death etc. they've every right not to want to talk to you about it.

My estate manager (sounds grand, we live in a normal semi!) advised using the next generation as extra POAs so when one of us dies, they can support/use the POA.

Worth bearing in mind that the OP's parents are 'only' in their 70s. My dm is 87 this year, fortunately of sound mind and has decided as her original estimate of how long she'd live has passed, that she will now live to 92! Physically, she is in reasonable health.

Yes, you are correct - I think our entire family is ND. I'm the only one with a formal diagnosis of ADHD and I've also become a little obsessive in fretting about the future while neglecting myself.

I just wanted to say thanks again to everyone who has posted and various insights - I can't keep commenting continuously, but some different perspectives from outsiders have been very useful. Plus I think I've gained a solid set of links, resources and knowledge that I can look into and educate myself more on the process (instead of just working myself into doom loops).

Thanks especially to @Dunglowing for the thoughtful post re: having grown up as the child of an alcoholic with both MH and ND issues. I hadn't really considered how much that has affected me and my urge to be the saviour and manager of the family.