to be sick of silent DH during meals?

[Bubblewrappery]

DH has always been like this and I'm now totally sick of it.

Every meal time he will focus on his food and ignore any conversation. It's as though he comes up for air at the end and might then acknowledge us. He doesn't eat quickly and his manners are otherwise fine, but this is really, really pissing me off.

We have two DC and one in particular is a chatter. Every single mealtime, it's me fielding her questions; commenting on things the DC say; adding to the conversation etc, etc. He just sits and eats, barely even noticing us.

We went out for DS's birthday meal yesterday, and I was furious because, yet again, DH just ate and ignored. It wasn't a cheap meal and I would have liked some company from him!

Over the years I bring this up (as do the DC), but he just gets annoyed,

AIBU to expect him to contribute to conversation?

Yes I think mealtimes should be a sociable part of the day. Eating together, talking about your day etc. and like you say, a good opportunity for your DC to be able to open up about their troubles. I really think he should contribute to this - even if it is not his ideal time because I think you have to strike when the irons hot.
If not, like others have said, does he then talk to them after dinner? Otherwise it sounds like he's checked out of family life and is leaving you to it!

Oooh, this is a gotcha, OP.

I’m going to hazard a guess that when they met, he had some qualities she liked and she didn’t think ‘hang on, the fact that he doesn’t speak at the table means that if we get married and have very chatty children, he’ll ignore the children at mealtimes and I’ll have to do all the work of entertaining and conversing with my children while I eat, which will become tiring. So maybe I won’t marry him.’

Yup. This is every meal I ever had with my late dad. Pretty much EXACTLY. Except me calling him a boring old cow. 🤣 God, it was painful. Utterly painful. ExH could be very similar.

"Hmmph."

Ask me how I know.

Or got married.

Try borrowing an idea from monasteries - everybody is quiet while one person reads a book. That way there's less thinking for you to do because you just have to read the words on the page and the children get used to some meals with less conversation. (Obviously you make time to talk elsewhere in the day / don't do this for every meal) The person reading eats before/ after.

Needs? What do they NEED to be constantly talking through a meal

Dh, dc and I will talk and always have quiet music playing. (We both have tinnitus & it helps).

Well, the two people I'm related to who maintained a total wall of silence while eating definitely did not want to happily chat before and after the meal. In my experience, they do not want to talk AT ALL, as in acting as if you're invisible, and coming to the table just before the meal and getting up immediately after that. If OP's husband was happy to socialise a bit before and after just the time it takes to physically eat, I doubt she'd be so annoyed.

It is frustrating OP but maybe he's been brought up to eat and not talk at the same time. I was brought up (strictly) the same way and even now I find it mildly irritating when being asked a question when I have a mouth full.
As children, we only spoke when spoken to and the only talking was done when we had all finished eating. We had to ask permission to leave the table too.
As an adult I'm nowhere near as strict as this and I don't expect the same of others , but I'm assuming DH had a similar upbringing to myself.

This!

I’d be livid & would go so far as to stop making / having dinner with him. He’s opting out so can sort himself. Appreciate it doesn’t really help you, but it at least inconveniences him, so might make him think twice.

I lived with DH for five years before we got "married and trapped". He wouldn't have been able to hide it that long.

Why should he? I love sleeping in but I have kids so I don’t get to. I love lots of things I don’t get to do because I have children who need me, why does this man get to offload the demands of family time to his wife? I’d book yourself out for dinner once a week op , say to him I don’t appreciate how you opt out of parenting at dinner time, so I’m opting out of family dinner once a week and leaving you to it. I hope you respect that I still carry the majority load here, having to talk ti your own children one meal a week is a drop in the ocean.

But also actually I’d not include him on eating out, and consider not including him on meals at home if he doesn’t step up. No more all convenience for him if he doesn’t want to participate.

How do you think children get their emotional/ connection needs met? 🫠Dinner time is usually when a family comes back together after being apart all day. You sound like a children seen and not heard kind of person

Team DH. Tell your DC that you're eating in peace and will chat in a minute.

How is your DC managing to eat if they are talking about worries at that time. Set aside 10 minutes of dedicated worrying and problem solving. It is not good to get into the habit of ruminating and circular conversations that disrupt the whole family routine.

We were raised to be totally quiet at mealtimes whilst the adults talked. I’m old now,but still find it difficult to converse.

Yep we have the same thing over here, but I explicitly say it's not ok you get to just zone out and eat your meal in peace.

He obviously doesn't like talking while eating, so you need to bring those conversations up at a different time.

You can sit and chat after the meal. I don't mind talking during a meal, but I'm a slow eater so things go cold. I also often choke if I'm trying to talk and eat so I prefer to concentrate on my meal.

Completely not okay that he ignores his children over a mealtime. That’s one of the key moments of the day to be present and all together! Say to him he clearly can’t multitask so maybe he should wait to have his food until after the rest of the family have finished and got down from the table. It’ll be cold but then but that’s his problem!

I’ve never met any family that all sit around eating in silence!

Neither should. So you conpromise.

The dh speaks a bit at dinner time or he takes specific days where he deals with the childrens chatter

The op has meals where she contributes little and meals where she deals with all the chatter.

A gkkd comprose leaves nobody happy.

Where does it say the children's food is restricted?
Or husbands at that it says small portion first then chat then second helpings no restriction and there was other options.
It was more about a break in the middle to talk then he can fill up.
Obviously you misunderstood or didn't read this correctly for the way it was intended.

Then theres the time before dinner, in between dinner and dessert and after dinner. It's not necessary to be jabbering on constantly asking questions while people are eating

Or they can chat to each other. It's 10 minutes max out of an evening. Unless it's life or death then not a need

Come on, it's an attempt at training him by restricting and rewarding with food - like my ex did with me, children and dogs to make the former two speak on command, all to perform as he wished - and to show dominance.

Food shouldn't be a weapon or a means of punishment or control and a kid growing up seeing mum telling dad he could only have a tiny bit until he performs, then he can have some more, is likely to grow up with at least anxiety around mum and food.