to be sick of silent DH during meals?

[Bubblewrappery]

DH has always been like this and I'm now totally sick of it.

Every meal time he will focus on his food and ignore any conversation. It's as though he comes up for air at the end and might then acknowledge us. He doesn't eat quickly and his manners are otherwise fine, but this is really, really pissing me off.

We have two DC and one in particular is a chatter. Every single mealtime, it's me fielding her questions; commenting on things the DC say; adding to the conversation etc, etc. He just sits and eats, barely even noticing us.

We went out for DS's birthday meal yesterday, and I was furious because, yet again, DH just ate and ignored. It wasn't a cheap meal and I would have liked some company from him!

Over the years I bring this up (as do the DC), but he just gets annoyed,

AIBU to expect him to contribute to conversation?

But continues the cycle of an unsociable attitude to dining where meal times are simply seen as an opportunity to refuel rather than a pleasurable time spent together.

Kind of suggests he knows he's an antisocial prat at home, and doesn't want other people to see the real him.

I’m with you op. Mine never shuts up but he always engages the children asking them about their day, and imo mealtimes should be about both enjoying food and communication.

There is a happy medium where you talk a bit but are able to eat your meal whilst it is hot. There is plenty of time to chat in the rest of the day. Some talk over a meal is fine but not incessant chatter and no talking with your mouth full.

Is he otherwise chatty? before and after meals? This changes things.

Good grief im not saying the whole time but enough to have a bit of bloody peace for a few minutes while you eat. Obviously you've not had my DD1 who can and does prattle on incessantly. Isn't 10 mins break in a whole evening while you eat acceptable?

You already knew this about him before you married him and decided to marry him anyway

The sour grapes I said to the OP as a way of saying she knew he was not a dinner conversationalist from the day she met him and she still married him, is a lot more polite than your saying ‘twat levels’ or ‘fucking arsed’ or ‘dog ignorant’.
I can’t believe you’d get all hot and bothered about a little ‘sour grapes’ when you have been flinging around the above comments that are far worse.

OP hasn’t said he gets angry, she gets angry because he eats without chit chat.

Also you’re getting mixed up because it can’t be good old British culture and life skill to make conversation at dinner AND be a good old British Victorian patriarchal thing to stay silent at dinner. The cultural norm is based on the Victorian patriarchal norm of the head of the table, daddy dearest, instigating dinner conversation and directing it where he likes. Your are the one pushing for the patriarchal norm. Not me.

She chooses to chat with her DC. That’s her choice.

I go to the hairdresser to get my hair cut, I don’t go there to be interrogated which is often the case. I also like to concentrate on my meal and eat it whilst it is hot and fresh without constant interruption. A small amount of talk is fine but I want to eat and enjoy my food.

I wouldnt say making small talk at a hairdresser is comparable with speaking to your own children whilst eating a meal.

Im a bit surprised at how many people want to eat in near silence, or not converse when eating. I hate eating on my own and usually put the tv on so I dont have to eat in silence. (Obviously that is my own choice/preference)

However if families have 2 ft working parents, often meal times - and i know not everyone eats at the same time - are one of the few times where everyone might be in the same place. Before or after dinner might be homework/activities, I usually chat to my teens in the car on the way to drop or collect them somewhere but you kind of have to take the opportunities when you get them!

Does he do his share of parenting in general? Do the children have other chances to speak with him one on one or both of you together to get advice, make him aware of issues they are having? This doesn't have to occur at meal times, although I realise that may initially seem like a convenient time and place. If they routinely have other chances then you could kind of guide them away from bringing heavy issues up at meal times so you do get a break too.

What seems really off to me is that when you try to bring the general issue up away from the table, not picking a fight, and not in front of the children, he gets annoyed. You HAVE to be able to have a serious two-way conversation about this, even if that means his saying he can't talk and eat at the same time or whatever and then the two of you brainstorm ways to compromise or work around it. His just refusing to talk is a big red flag, assuming you've pushed him to talk and made it clear that it's a significant ongoing problem from your perspective and won't resolve itself.

My husband is like this too. It drives me up the wall! Meals together are often the only time the whole family sit together. The kids feel ignored, and me too. I think he needs to compromise a bit so it feels as if he's actually part of his family!

My DH was like this and it annoyed me too. It's not even that he's quiet, it's that it's just another example of him letting me handle the mental load and take care of the kids while he does his own thing on the side. I suspect that may be the reason for you too, OP.

It doesn't really matter now though. Kids are older, they are working and doing things so meal times are more disjointed. We tend to eat informally now, doing our own thing, so everyone is happy.

If he was always like this then why did you marry him and have kids with him?

Is there a law that somebody must fill the air with chat at all times?

I hated the ex's attempts to appear middleclass by insisting that all 'normal' families sit and interrogate and tear apart children at the table when everybody's hungry and at least some just want to be left alone to get on with eating.

There's a reason why there's a media trope of the majority of family arguments starting at the dinner table. Best avoided, in my view.

Start serving him tiny portions so he can eat then chat. Tell him he can have seconds once he converses.

Or serve him and DC at table saying can he m8nd them as you have xyz to do. Then eat after.

Then keep doing either until he gets the picture. Or call dinner time then have a chat for 5 minutes or so then serve the food.

If he doesn't want to talk over food stipulate that they convene at table 5-10 minutes before food for family time.
You need to come to some kind of mutual agreement

Agree, and also sorry but your preference may be to not talk during eating but if you choose to have children, you may have to, you know, put their needs above yours 🙄

There’s a compromise here. DH also likes to just eat his dinner and has done always since we first knew each other at 18.

We have compromised.

A couple of nights a week we eat separately and a couple of nights a week we eat together.

He would never sit silently if we went out to eat though.

I don’t particularly like talking while eating BUT despite this I would never behave like your husband. It is obnoxious to everyone and he’s taking you for granted. What would happen if you decided to stay silent too? Would he just let the kids go ignored? And especially when out for a meal its bloody rude. YANBU. he needs to compromise.

Oh, that was something the ex decided was a really good idea. Restrict everybody's food until they performed in the way he decided was suitably refined. Massively stressful for the kids, stressful for me, not conducive to relaxing and seeing eating as anything but a trial to be endured and then escaped in favour of eating in secret/without stress or supervision, especially when the way they ate (knife, fork, what order they picked up food, whether it was a suitably feminine'-sized morsel, that kind of thing) was part of his barracking.

I wondered when he was going to insist that the children did tricks like rolling over, sitting and begging by the time he fucked off. After all, he did it to the dog as part of his 'I'm the pack leader/Alpha' Cesar Milan shite.

My late DF was like this, which didn't matter when my mother was alive, but after she died it was utterly painful. I'd visit him and the two of us would eat in total silence, including years later when he'd found happiness with a new partner. If people haven't experienced this, they may not realise how awful it is. A total wall of silence, and me trying to make conversation and getting the odd grunt in reply. It's like you're not even there. It's a type of passive aggression, ime. But my dad was a narcissist and a bully. YMMV.

Of course, I went on to marry a narcissist and a bully, didn't I. My exH would either eat in complete silence or he'd talk nonstop for 40 minutes without drawing a breath and would whiplash right over you if you tried to speak.

I LONG for a partner who actually knows how to have a conversation. There was zero back and forth with my father or exH.

Having a partner who is capable of pleasant dinner conversation is a dream that I have not yet been able to achieve.

I feel for you; it's insanely rude and I don't blame you for being utterly sick of it.

Firstly, I would give your DH the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he doesn't realise how rude he's being and how badly it comes across. Sit him down and make him understand that it's not OK to permanently sit out a family activity like mealtime conversation and cast a dark cloud over every meal, and leave you to be the one to facilitate connections. See if it makes a difference.

If he refuses to listen, then he's just a rude, superior, smug arse like my late father and exH.

Yeah, but they don't do it on a date, because they know it's unacceptable. They do it once you're married and trapped.

Or they didn't do it until they became fathers. Then they started emulating their own fathers more. My FIL almost never spoke. Maybe my MIL didn't mind but it was just another example of how I carried the mental load while he passively sat by. It's very unattractive!

Doesn't work. You'll get a grunt.