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Original poster

Upset DD won’t celebrate my special birthday

346 replies

Lemonmeringue76 · 28/02/2026 22:20

For the last few years my DD aged 21 had talked about us doing something special for my next ‘big’ birthday. We have been to London for shows, cocktails and dinner or been on holiday for previous birthdays and always had a lovely time. Or at least I thought we did.

From being very close she has changed towards me recently and become more distant. I’m not sure if this is her age or the fact she is in a new relationship. She texts and phones far less frequently from uni. In the past we had seen a great deal of each other and regularly been out for dinner, spa days, cinema etc. She came home in uni holidays and for weekends.

She is now saying I might not even see her for my birthday, let alone do something special. I feel very hurt. I have no one else but her to celebrate with. I’ve always been a one to make a fuss over her birthdays. I can’t understand why she would be willing to leave me alone on the day.

OP posts:
BookArt55 · 28/02/2026 22:24

Have you shared your feelings with her? Not in a guilt tripping way, but sharing your disappointment. She's 21 abd an adult, but unfortunately kids go through a stage where it is probably best described as being a bit self centred and not thinking of their parents having needs or wants... so used to mum running around after them. Maybe it's time to let her see you as not only her parent, but a person who needs and wants to be shown that they matter and are loved.

No matter what plans were previously discussed, she should be celebrating your birthday with you. If not on tbe day (work won't allow her to have holiday type of situarion) then as close to the day as possible. And making an effort.

Triskels · 28/02/2026 22:30

Respectfully, OP, you shouldn’t be solely relying on your daughter to celebrate your birthday with. She’s a young adult starting to strike out for herself. Isn’t it possible she’s resenting your dependency on her?

Toomuchprivateinfo · 28/02/2026 22:31

Very likely to be the new boyfriend I’d say, if you’ve always had a good relationship before. I’d try to accept that she has less time for you in general as she’s spreading her wings but would try to gently make the point that you’d love her to make time to celebrate your milestone birthday with you and would feel a bit hurt if she wasn’t there.

MyballsareSandy2015 · 28/02/2026 22:34

Do you have friends to celebrate with … it’s great if our kids are around and want to be with us on birthdays etc but we can’t expect it when they’re adults.

Wolfiefan · 28/02/2026 22:37

She’s busy at uni and with a new partner. I wouldn’t be expecting my child to come home from uni for my birthday. Make your own plans.

Brewtiful · 28/02/2026 22:37

Honestly it all sounds quite smothering on your behalf. You shouldn't be solely relying on your young adult daughter to be your only source of friendship and companionship.

She's quite naturally starting her independent life and it would probably be sensible for you to start doing the same.

ilovesooty · 28/02/2026 22:40

She's developing an adult independent life, and it really is time for you to build your own friendship group and not depend on her so much.

princesspadam · 28/02/2026 22:40

You sound like my mother
she’s a narcissist
it is not your daughters responsibility to make you happy or spend time with you on any day

youre an adult, stop acting like a child

TomatoSandwiches · 28/02/2026 22:42

Kindly op but this is complwtely natural for most young adults, they seperate from parents and begin to build their own life.... perhaps there could also be an element of her feeling overwhelmed with knowing you rely on her emotionally so much and balancing her desire to do as she pleases?

EstoyRobandoSuCasa · 28/02/2026 22:46

I think she's being inconsiderate. It's one day that she knows is special to you. It's not as though you're expecting her to hang out with you every other weekend.

Then again, I have memories of being 19/20 and trying to keep my parents at arms' length. So as hurtful as this phase is, it might be normal.

BauhausOfEliott · 28/02/2026 22:46

She’s 21 and she’s building her own life as an independent adult. She’s your daughter, not your best friend. Of course an adult will prioritise her partner.

It’s normal and appropriate that she doesn’t do everything with you. She won’t always be around for your birthday and if she isn’t, you can do something for it on a day that works for you both instead.

It isn’t her fault that you have no one else; you can’t make her responsible for your happiness by expecting her to fill the gap.

saraclara · 28/02/2026 22:46

Everyone seems to have missed the point that it was DD's idea in the first place, to do something special.

As for calling OP a narcissist for simply being disappointed that she's going to be on her own on her big birthday after years of talk from her DD about it... That's insane.

MoleShovelBam · 28/02/2026 22:48

She sounds selfish and inconsiderate to me.

saraclara · 28/02/2026 22:49

Of course an adult will prioritise her partner

I'm very glad that my DDs and their partners enjoyed planning and giving me a wonderful big birthday weekend.

Seriously, some people's bar for young adults is incredibly low.

faerylights · 28/02/2026 22:51

Why don’t you have anyone else to spend your birthday with?

PollyBell · 28/02/2026 22:53

She is not your crutch ahe is your child, do not guilt trip and put this on to her act like her parent not her BFF

TheChosenTwo · 28/02/2026 22:53

That’s a shame, I’d have been a bit sad if my eldest hadn’t come to my 40th, I had a lovely party and part of what made it special was that she’d come back from uni for the weekend and all my dc were together. She’s 21 too and is generally pretty kind hearted and thoughtful.
Seems a bit strange also as she’s made a point previously about doing something special with you.
Can you book yourself something nice to do?
Do you really not have a friend that might even go for lunch with you somewhere?
Sorry op, at times young adults (aswell as older adults) can prioritise themselves and their wants/needs and I’m sorry for you that you’re feeling hurt.

Skybluepinky · 28/02/2026 22:55

Really hard when the bond weakens, it’s perfectly normal to feel hurt, but it’s up to you to do something lovely for your birthday that way you’ll have something to talk to her about.

mybestchildismycat · 28/02/2026 22:58

Has it just been the two of you at home while she was growing up?

I felt very, very close to my mother, when it was just the two of us from when I was around ten years old. It wasn't until I went to university that I realised that our relationship wasn't healthy. She didn't really have any friends or family apart from me, and the combination of love, worry and guilt that I felt was overwhelming. I pulled away from her to get away from those feelings. I slowly realised that she'd overshared with me throughout my childhood and I felt resentful for unwittingly being cast in the role of confidante to adult emotions that I shouldn't have had to share.

Sadly our relationship never fully recovered. She was hurt and resentful, and I couldn't tell her how I felt because she had poured everything into parenting me and the truth would have broken her. It would have been so, so very much better if she had have carved out a life for herself beyond me.

Hopefully that isn't what is going on here, and it's just your DD being young and a bit self centred. But it might be worth thinking about.

saraclara · 28/02/2026 22:59

I don't know about OP, but I'd be mortified to have to go cap in hand to a friend, to say "DD's not coming home for my birthday now, so the spa day/theatre/weekend away isn't happening. Do you want to go for lunch?"

In my circles, unless someone's a party animal and wants to plan a big shindig, it's family members who organise a big birthday plan for their mum, not friends.

Miranda65 · 28/02/2026 23:01

She's 21 - a parent's birthday is not a big deal. OP, don't you remember being 21? Of course she has more interesting things to do, she's just living her life.
And I do agree with previous comments that it's not fair to rely entirely on an adult child for your emotional needs.

StampDog · 28/02/2026 23:03

It’s very normal for relationships to change at this stage. She’s an adult now.

Why is there nobody else you can spend time on your birthday with? Don’t you have any family or friends? That’s a huge amount of pressure on your DD.

mybestchildismycat · 28/02/2026 23:03

I think PPs who have young adult DCs that happily participate in family celebrations may not understand the wildly different emotional burden of joining in the fun compared to having to be the fun.

CelticSilver · 28/02/2026 23:05

'I have no one else but her to celebrate with'. This is very unhealthy. She needs her independence and you need to develop a life beyond being her mother.

maudelovesharold · 28/02/2026 23:15

Yes, adult children do have a right to live their own lives and not be expected to come back for every ‘special’ day, but they are also part of a family, and families who get on together usually make a point of celebrating each other’s Birthdays, even if not on the actual day. If I had a ‘big’ Birthday coming up, I would feel terribly disappointed if my dc seemed to be ambivalent about doing anything to mark the occasion. Adult dc celebrating, even organising, their Mum’s big Birthday is actually normal in most families. Don’t take any notice of people suggesting that you’re being ‘needy’ to have any expectation of your dd celebrating with you, op. I hope that she has second thoughts and that you are able to plan something nice for your big day!