Upset DD won’t celebrate my special birthday

[Lemonmeringue76]

For the last few years my DD aged 21 had talked about us doing something special for my next ‘big’ birthday. We have been to London for shows, cocktails and dinner or been on holiday for previous birthdays and always had a lovely time. Or at least I thought we did.

From being very close she has changed towards me recently and become more distant. I’m not sure if this is her age or the fact she is in a new relationship. She texts and phones far less frequently from uni. In the past we had seen a great deal of each other and regularly been out for dinner, spa days, cinema etc. She came home in uni holidays and for weekends.

She is now saying I might not even see her for my birthday, let alone do something special. I feel very hurt. I have no one else but her to celebrate with. I’ve always been a one to make a fuss over her birthdays. I can’t understand why she would be willing to leave me alone on the day.

I have a couple of friends who were single parents and sacrificed such a lot to raise a child alone. She is independent now but I think hoping that your child would see you on your birthday isn’t much to ask. We always saw our Mothers on their birthdays and it was and is a bloody effort as both of them were born the week before Christmas.

But you do need to build a life without her.

I agree with this-that’s a lot of pressure and expectation on her.

I would say you’d love to do a meal and a show one Saturday with her for your birthday and I’d be paying and hope she’s up for that.

Yanbu for being sad. But I’d be a bit worried if there’s a sudden change that she might be in an abusive relationship with someone isolating her. Is she still seeing her friends regularly?

This.

She is young, and in a newish relationship.
You should be out with your own friends or family, not relying on her.

It sounds like you have leaned on her a lot over several years - you need to create your own life.

Should? Where is this expectation coming from?
OP is an adult woman and so is her daughter. They are not in a symbiotic relationship anymore. OP obviously dots on her daughter at the expense of making an independent life and forming healthy relationships. That's her choice but it does not mean that her daughter is obligated to spend a birthday with her.

There always has to be someone claiming controlling relationship when occams razor is the 21 year old doesn't want the full on day the op was expecting....

Agree. I do think there's some merit in the posters suggesting OP should have a wider circle and not just depend on her DD, but don't see why it has to be either/or - just because OP would ideally also have other friends and family doesn't mean it's unreasonable of her to expect her dd to make the effort to see her on her birthday! Similarly just because the DD now has a partner doesn't mean she should prioritise him exclusively above everything and everyone else in her life!

If it was just the case of the DD not wanting to go away for a weekend or whatever big celebration they'd previously discussed, that's more understandable. But saying she might not bother to see her mum at all, is mean.

I'm sure if OP had promised her DD a big 21st celebration, but dropped out last minute and left her alone in halls/an empty flat to spend her birthday by herself, you'd all be falling over yourselves to call her a terrible mother! Yes she's the parent but being an adult means starting on the journey where you start to support your parents a bit as well.

Ah, I'm sorry OP. I would say the norm is for kids (young people) to absolutely celebrate their mum's birthday - especially a significant one. I bet her mates celebrate their mums. I bet if she said to them, it's my mum's birthday today but meh, whatever, they'd be like, what????

So yeah, I think the low-key texting and phoning thing is fine and normal, but making a point of telling you that your birthday basically doesn't matter to her so don;t expect anything (okaaay.....) sounds like she is pissed off about something. I'd ask her what the problem was.

YANBU to be a bit upset @Lemonmeringue76, it's perfectly natural! It's also perfectly natural for our DC to spend less time with us and more time with their partners as they get older, but it doesn't mean it doesn't sting a little, especially when you traditionally spend birthdays together.

If I were in your shoes, I would tell DD that it's a shame you won't be together on the day itself, but you'd love it if you could still do something special to celebrate when she is free. I hope you manage to have a lovely day, whatever you end up doing.

Your DD is 21 and has her own life. You shouldn’t be solely relying on her, to spend social time with, surely?

My own 21 year old DD is also at university, is in a new relationship and extremely busy socially. I love that she is carving out her own life, as a strong independent young woman.

Maybe you need to do the same? You are an adult, but come across as a needy child, sorry.

I'm sure if OP had promised her DD a big 21st celebration, but dropped out last minute and left her alone in halls/an empty flat to spend her birthday by herself, you'd all be falling over yourselves to call her a terrible mother! Yes she's the parent but being an adult means starting on the journey where you start to support your parents a bit as well.

That's a good point

My DDs were happy, independent and social at uni, too. But they still recognised what being part of a family is about.
This isn't just an ordinary birthday. It's a big one, and it was DD herself who has spent a couple of years talking about what she wanted to do for her mum.

It's not needy of OP to be disappointed.

No, but it’s one thing showing up for a family and friends lunch and quite another being the only alternative to your mother spending her birthday entirely alone. — the ‘I have no one else to celebrate with’ puts undue pressure on her daughter.

Sounds like you need to make some friends op tbh.

I don't like all the comments that imply adult children have no responsibilities to their parents.

You are a family, and ideally yes, unless something important comes up, work, exams, etc. then I would expect children to make an effort for their parents. If they can't make it back, fair enough, there are other ways to show you care.

That being said, I wonder if your daughter thinks your relationship is as good as you do? I've seen quite a few parents who swear to be so close to their kids, only to be shocked when their kids up and leave as adults and don't want much to do with them. You then chat with the children and get a completely different picture of their "close" relationship. It's easy for parents to see their children as being "close" because when they are younger they are fully reliant and dependant on you, so as a parent you are feeling needed.. but needed and wanted aren't the same, and plenty of children who had underlying issues with their parents, suddenly find that when the "need" goes away (by getting a partner for themself etc.) there really isn't a "want" at all.

You sound overly reliant on your daughter tbh.

She shouldn’t be providing all of your emotional support whereby she’s the only person you can spend your birthday with. Do you not have friends, family, literally no one else you’ve met in your several decades to spend time with? Who do you socialise with when she’s not around?

It’s fine to want to spend your day with her as first choice - but you’re putting way too much pressure on her bc you’re saying if it’s not her you don’t have anyone at all to spend the day with. And that’s not her fault, if you haven’t invested time in cultivating friendships outside of her. She’s allowed to date or just generally be a 21 year old and not be the only person her mother socialises with.

OP, I’ll give you my 2 cents as someone who has been in your daughter’s shoes.

its a lot of pressure when your mother is reliant on you and only you to fulfil the role of friend as well as daughter. In my 20s (I’m now 30s) I became distant like this as I reflected on how the rest of my life might be.

I do think however an effort should be made for a big birthday. I’d gently try again to explain why it’s important to you. But in the long term please try to take up a new hobby and make new friends. You might feel like you’re doing all these brilliant things together but she might feel trapped inside as I did.

You said she’s at uni - is she in final year, and is your birthday before the end of the academic year? It may be simply that she doesn’t have time to arrange something or come back “home” if it’s going to impact on exams / deadlines.

Exactly

I do understand your disappointment OP, because this has been something you’ve always done together.

When is your “next big birthday”? What age will you be?
How often / recently have you and she discussed this?

As others have suggested, just because she’s done done special things with you for your birthdays in the past, doesn’t mean that she’s got to do it every time, even if the two of you have discussed it before.

As she’s 21 now, “the last few years” would mean since she’s been 18? I think that’s a big expectation to place on a young woman. She might have said “when you have your 60th wedding anniversary we could…” a couple of times but it would be unfair to regard that as committing her a few of years down the line.

It is a big change for you both, and I think it’s significant that this is in the context of her texting and phoning less frequently. Perhaps just text her once a fortnight or so and say that you’re thinking of her and to let you know if she needs anything.

There are changes ahead for both of you now that she’s making her way in the world.

She's pulling away from you because she's growing up, developing her independent life and that's as it should be. You need to make plans with friends for your birthday and not rely on her to be your sole social life.

I’d say she’s finding uni life much more interesting/ has met someone. It’s a shame she’s not prioritising you and I feel for you but try not to make a big thing of it. Young adults can be very selfish but they usually mature a bit and become more thoughtful again later in their twenties imo.
i think it’s a case of focusing on building up your own friendships and making your social life fuller some birthday you have plans.

“I have no one else but her…”

No. That is not her job.

That must be disappointing for you but she’s making her own way, making a life for herself, becoming independent so you did your job as a parent well.

It seems that you’re over reliant on her though of you have no one else to celebrate with. Now she’s at Uni, it’s the ideal time for you to start to make some friends and create a separate life for yourself anyway.

I don’t think she’s’ being uncaring, she’s just living her life as an independent adult and it’s exactly how it should be.

I hope you manage to have a lovely birthday whatever you do.

It’s a 50th and in the summer so after uni exams finish. Unfortunately I wouldn’t say I have any close friends and most of my casual friends will be leading their ‘independent adult lives’ and will be on holiday. No parents or siblings as I was an only child. I am surprised that pp think friends will be reorganising their plans for someone else’s birthday.