Upset DD won’t celebrate my special birthday

[Lemonmeringue76]

For the last few years my DD aged 21 had talked about us doing something special for my next ‘big’ birthday. We have been to London for shows, cocktails and dinner or been on holiday for previous birthdays and always had a lovely time. Or at least I thought we did.

From being very close she has changed towards me recently and become more distant. I’m not sure if this is her age or the fact she is in a new relationship. She texts and phones far less frequently from uni. In the past we had seen a great deal of each other and regularly been out for dinner, spa days, cinema etc. She came home in uni holidays and for weekends.

She is now saying I might not even see her for my birthday, let alone do something special. I feel very hurt. I have no one else but her to celebrate with. I’ve always been a one to make a fuss over her birthdays. I can’t understand why she would be willing to leave me alone on the day.

Honestly? This is something which can happen.

If I were you, I'd pull right back, give her space and allow her to enjoy her new relationship.

It may or may not last, but atm it's exciting and she won't plan ahead because she's young and she wants to do everything with her new beau.

You remember what it was like, don't you?

Plan your birthday without factoring in your daughter

Give her time, don't be needy or bring issues to the table.

She'll grow up and calm down

Edit - it will also help to make friends of your own and create a happy life for yourself outside of your relationship with your daughter

Are they 21 and at university?

Then don’t say something you don’t mean.

It would be lovely and perfectly reasonable for her to make an effort for you.

However maybe being the only person in your life is too much pressure.

You say friends will be on holiday. Do you know? Have you asked? Could you book something for yourself - a spa day, a holiday etc so you're doing something. Invite her if she wishes to come but otherwise go alone? That way the pressure isn't "Mommy simply CAN'T celebrate without you, darling!"

I have friends and have never had a birthday celebrated

But have you invited them to celebrate your birthday with you?

@Lemonmeringue76

“ I have no one else but her to celebrate with.”

Perhaps this 👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼 is something to work on, in the coming year?

Happy Birthday in advance. 💐.

What a stupid post. Of course a parent”s birthday, particularly a milestone birthday is important at any age.

You sound nice

That’s just really sad.

I can see both sides of this, having been the only child of a single mother and having had difficult teen years where our relationship was often very fraught, but we were also each other's main source of support. DM was a nurse and shift work made it difficult for her to socialise with friends. Once I went to uni and got some distance from that very intense and often quite codependent and parentified dynamic, I used to really dislike going home and revisiting it, especially having to spend a concentrated period of 1-1 time with DM. She resented any time I took away from her while visiting to go see friends or anything like that. She resented any boyfriends I had and was very sneery about me "needing a man" having been single herself for a long time.

On the other hand, I can see how DM experienced that as hurtful, rejecting and abandoning. It wasn't necessarily the best strategy either, as the less time I spent with her, the more she craved it. My life changed massively, hers hadn't. She still worked shifts and often overtime, and the only difference for her was a hole where parenting used to be. My life had expanded and opened up while hers had got smaller. I wish I'd been more understanding, encouraged her to expand her life outside of our relationship and been supportive instead of pushing her away.

Not saying OP's situation is the same as mine, but I'm sharing as an example of the difficulties that can come up between only daughters raised by single mothers when daughters leave home and inevitably pull away. It's often hard for both in different ways.

Your daughter is being harsh but she is at an age of selfishness plus with a new boyfriend so I would plan to do something else im sure she will feel bad eventually and make it up to you xx

Is this what you have asked of her? To spend all summer with you? Or have you asked, could we at some point during the summer do something fun to celebrate my birthday?

I can see why she wouldn't want to commit to spending the whole summer with you when she has her own place plus a boyfriend where she lives. I can also see that she wouldn't be able to commit to a specific date already now if she doesn't know how she will be working this summer. Can you not just leave it a bit open for a few more months and just play it by ear?

Thanks for your very honest post. I don’t think I’m like that as I very much encourage her to see her friends and was very welcoming to her last at home boyfriend. However I think there is something in what you say about the closeness and the intensity. I am upset her new boyfriend lives so far from us and wish she still had a boyfriend ‘at home’ so she’d visit more. I’m also a bit upset/ concerned how quickly she moves from one relationship to the next and changes her routines to fit in with them,

"I am upset her new boyfriend lives so far from us" the boyfriend lives in her town. He lives far from you, but so does she, and he isn't your boyfriend. I think it's strange that you are upset that she has a boyfriend who lives local to her.

No I haven’t asked her to come home all summer. I was just saying it didn’t arise before as she was home previous summers as she had a job and boyfriend here which at that point was what she wanted.

Many kids with a “home” boyfriend/girlfriend will break up with them during uni owing to distance.

Yes that is what happened. She did all the travelling to see him and got more and more resentful that he would not really make much effort to go and see her.

Sounds like you were her emotional support and person.

But that was filling the gap. Her boyfriend is now that so the things she was ringing or texting to change with you she now shares with the him and she’s wanting to spend her time with him.

You’ve got time though your birthday is summer a lot of things could change. They could break up, they could be together and she wants to bring him around for a birthday dinner. She could come alone for a trip or invite you up there.

It’s all part of growing up and spreading wings.

So - for her - it’s a better situation to have a local partner.

She sounds like a normal young adult, a weekly, perhaps twice weekly phone call is all you should be expecting, occasional weekend visits perhaps once a term and the holidays if they don’t get a better offer (eg a job). At 21 independence is normal. Yes she can do something with you but you need to be flexible on date because there could be a clash actually on your birthday eg a big university function

But in the nicest way, you appear to have quite an intense relationship with her yourself so maybe she’s just following your example.

So in her last relationship, she did all the running and now she's apparently keeping the whole summer free so she can be at her new boyfriend's beck and call?

Does she know that this will make her look desperate? It would be far healthier for her to arrange to spend some time with friends and family and ideally have a hobby as well. And if this means there are dates in the summer when the boyfriend is free and she isn't, well so what?

The other thing I wonder is could you by living very intensely through her have given her the idea that it's lonely and scary to be single?

As an aside, my kids were at their most self-absorbed between 19 and 22. It annoyed me at times but I tried to reflect and see it as a natural adaptation to flying the nest and seeking independence. If they weren’t a bit ‘selfish’, they would feel obligated to stay near home and run around us as parents. As soon as I reframed it as developmental, I felt better about it! I was glad they managed to ‘launch’ They still never forgot my birthday and they made me feel special, albeit from afar. And after 22 they became lovely again ;-)