Upset DD won’t celebrate my special birthday

[Lemonmeringue76]

For the last few years my DD aged 21 had talked about us doing something special for my next ‘big’ birthday. We have been to London for shows, cocktails and dinner or been on holiday for previous birthdays and always had a lovely time. Or at least I thought we did.

From being very close she has changed towards me recently and become more distant. I’m not sure if this is her age or the fact she is in a new relationship. She texts and phones far less frequently from uni. In the past we had seen a great deal of each other and regularly been out for dinner, spa days, cinema etc. She came home in uni holidays and for weekends.

She is now saying I might not even see her for my birthday, let alone do something special. I feel very hurt. I have no one else but her to celebrate with. I’ve always been a one to make a fuss over her birthdays. I can’t understand why she would be willing to leave me alone on the day.

It is probably the pull of a new relationship and yes, it is very hurtful.
Perhaps now is the time to join some new clubs, hobbies etc. to make new friends or at least have people to meet up with.
I would plan something for myself, perhaps a spar break, or join a group walking holiday somewhere warm, where you don't have to be alone. Tell her the date and say she is welcome to join you. Then leave it.

I do agree with the advice about trying to widen your own social life OP though that’s not exactly always the easiest thing to do and I feel for you there. I think your DD saying she can’t commit to a date (even one not on your birthday) because she wants to keep the whole summer free in case her boyfriend has things he want them to do is wrong. And also so misguided on her part- you can bet her boyfriend would book a week away with the boys or something with his own family which doesn’t including his girlfriend quite happily! It sounds from what you’ve said about her previous relationship that she isn’t forming the healthiest relationships so far.

Putting so much pressure on your daughter is a sure way to make her pull back.
Your daughter is an adult now and is forming her own life.

You sound very needy. Its time to build your own social circle and build a life for yourself.
This will help the transition to a healthy relationship with yoir dsughter. At the moment it sounds over bearing and emotionally toxic.

I think people are being harsh, and most likely the type of daughters who ignored their own mothers. If it was a regular birthday then they'd have a point. If she hadn't have suggested doing something special then they'd also have a point. But its neither of those things and op absolutely has a right to feel hurt without being a narcissist!
I didnt prioritise my parents between 16 and 30s really but I still made sure I was there to celebrate milestone birthdays. Regular birthdays not so much but I still tried to make them special. You probably need to give her a little bit of space though generally. Ensure she knows you're there for her though. Do you trust her partner? Pulling away from loved ones can be a sign of an abusive partner.

I don’t think you are unreasonable for wanting to do something nice with your dd around your birthday. It sounds like she has a pattern of when she’s loved up she prioritises her bf which is normal but she’s doing it to the extent that she is reluctant to take even a day away from him. It’s likely if they split up she will be happy to give you her time.

I would make plans for yourself, see if any friends want to do something or even do a few days away yourself. If your dd wants to do something as well then you can add that in.

it’s likely even if he is ‘the one’ that at some point their relationship will settle down and she will give you more time. But in the meantime have you met bf? You might find you see more of her if you include him.

I would be more concerned about this. She doesn't sound like an independent young woman off living her life, she has an unhealthy need to be in a relationship which then becomes all consuming by the sounds of things. Assume paternal abandonment issues?
Does she have any friends outside these relationships?
I don't think you're expecting too much at all though. Birthdays are often the only time families get together once children are adults and it's your 50th. You're a family of 2, you're DD should make the effort. You're only asking for a day!

I don’t think it’s that I don’t trust him; I think it’s more that she is so desperate for it to work out after two relationships that ended (when she saw them being long term and marriage material.)
This is her first relationship where he lives away from where I live and she went to school. With her last boyfriend (who was older and not at uni) she kept coming home every holiday and lots of weekends so that she could see him too. Obviously I wasn’t the main person she was coming home to see but it had the benefit (for me) that I’d see her too. So she’d often come home to see him Friday and Saturday and then we’d go out for Sunday brunch too.

OP - do you think her relationships are quite intense because you seem to be quite intense with her? You have nobody else and are fixating on her needing to be there so maybe that’s what you’re teaching her that all relationships should be like?

This.

Time to widen your circle of friends so you have other people to celebrate with and socialise with.

FFS yet again, let's throw in the narc bit, every other sodding thread someone says this.
Do most of you actually know what a narc actually is or is it the new insult on here?🙄

This sounds like a summer birthday issue, unfortunately (one of mine has a summer birthday). She is hoping to
go away with new boyfriend, she doesn’t have dates yet (perhaps because he doesn’t have his summer shifts yet, perhaps because he wants to give the relationship a bit more time before booking something etc)

So she’s leaving everything free just in case.

Could you get comfortable with booking something nearer the time? Or make a couple of bookings now (one July, one August) at a fancy restaurant and cancel one nearer the time?

I don't get the people saying you shouldn't expect her to celebrate your birthday she's an adult with a new boyfriend etc etc She's your daughter, why would she not want to celebrate your birthday. My relationship with my mum wasn't the best but I celebrated her ordinary birthdays never mind special ones.
Either there's an undercurrent to this that you aren't saying, fair enough, or her boyfriend is the catalyst for her new attitude. It's normal for them to not have as much time generally while in a relationship, but fit her to say this a out a special day for her mum is odd.

I don’t think there’s an undercurrent. It’s just she doesn’t want to commit to coming home all summer like before as her new boyfriend and his family live in her uni city. My birthday is in her summer holidays so she’d always been home before.

I appreciate she won’t be home for 3 or 4 months at a time like before but would just like to do something (home or uni city or elsewhere) near to my birthday. It is hard enough accepting and coming to terms with this being her first summer when she won’t come back for the uni holidays.

Her relationship with you is quite intense as are her other relationships. If my daughter said at 15 she had met the man she was going to marry (even if she has) I would have strongly discouraged that kind of talk.

In the nicest possible way, what will happen if your daughter marries and moves away, perhaps to another part of the world?

I think yes your daughter is being unreasonable but hey, she’s 21 and in love and so on. The hurt is being magnified for you because you have no one else to celebrate this with. So yes she’s being a bit mean but it is also not her fault that the only person for you to celebrate this day with you is her, which then creates all this emotional pressure.

Would you invite the boyfriend to the celebration too? This might make the difference. I would be worried that she was in another controlling relationship again though.
Then I would book a nice solo spa break/holiday

She's flown the nest, has her own exciting new life and is absorbed in that. A bit thoughtless but most young people are for a while especially if they are 'in love'.

It's time to rebuild your life to be less focused on her...while of course being around to catch her when she falls.

I don’t personally think that 50 is a big birthday, Your DD is not responsible for any of the circumstances you describe but I agree she could make an effort as it’s the holidays.

Why not think of some that you’d like to do and just ask her if she could do it with you over the summer holiday, That way you’re not making an issue of a particular day.

16, 18, 21, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 80 (and every year after!)

Are all considered to be big birthdays, arent they?

In order for us to understand, do you have other relatives or friends that you socialise with or is it mainly your dd?

Where is she planning on staying during the summer and how is she funding this?
It's been a while since I was at uni but for most accomodation the tenancy was only for the uni year, so ended in July.
Also is she going to be working in this city? Or would she have worked if she came home?

I think she needs to learn some independence and maybe this could be a reality check if the boyfriend does ditch her for his mates and she is left bored with no money.

How on earth is 50 not a big birthday?! It’s one of the biggest there is! I would class 18/50 and 80 as the biggest birthdays. Judging by the actions of pretty much everyone I know this is a general view.

She has a year long lease on her uni house. Has a job at home in holidays which I worry she is about to resign from (but that’s another thread) and a part time job in uni city which I think she hopes to increase her hours in the summer holidays.

There are 2 issues here. Your DD's relational pattern is one thing. It's unsurprising that she has intense relationships. Can you see why? This is her issue to tackle when she's ready and if she wants to. The issue you can do something about is you. It sounds like you haven't invested at all in friendships and having a full life of your own and are completely dependent on your DD for any social life. You cannot blame her for this and it's natural that she's leaned on you when she's been struggling. She doesn't owe you anything for this. You have time to make plans for your birthday, either with others or by yourself. I really would encourage you to seek some therapy to understand yourself better and develop an independent sense of self. You're only 49. You still have a lot of living to do. Do you have some past trauma that you haven't dealt with? You don't have to explain here unless you want to. It's not healthy to be so dependent on your DD and to see her increasing separation as really unfair on you. I do think your concerns about your DD's relationship may be justified, but that's not the main issue here.

50 is a big birthday and yanbu to expect to see her for some kind of celebration - you sound like you are being very flexible. Hopefully she will be happy to firm up plans nearer the time - it probably seems a way off in her eyes especially if she’s got decisions to make re the summer and work.