Upset DD won’t celebrate my special birthday

[Lemonmeringue76]

For the last few years my DD aged 21 had talked about us doing something special for my next ‘big’ birthday. We have been to London for shows, cocktails and dinner or been on holiday for previous birthdays and always had a lovely time. Or at least I thought we did.

From being very close she has changed towards me recently and become more distant. I’m not sure if this is her age or the fact she is in a new relationship. She texts and phones far less frequently from uni. In the past we had seen a great deal of each other and regularly been out for dinner, spa days, cinema etc. She came home in uni holidays and for weekends.

She is now saying I might not even see her for my birthday, let alone do something special. I feel very hurt. I have no one else but her to celebrate with. I’ve always been a one to make a fuss over her birthdays. I can’t understand why she would be willing to leave me alone on the day.

I think unfortunately she’s associating me and home with her ex. I’m not sure she’s really over him although she says she is. I think it’s one of the ways she’s coping. I don’t think the new boyfriend is being controlling or anything. I think it’s just her way of avoiding sitting with her feelings about her ex.

She’s 21. She’s an adult. All your posts are about you and what you want and what you think. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s decided to put in some boundaries and focus on living her own life.
It is lovely to see our adult children but the don’t owe us. You can’t rely on your adult daughter to celebrate all milestones with you. You need to build your own friendship and support network.

I do not think it is much to ask to have your daughter celebrate her birthday. It does not have to be in the day. I understand she may not be able to make it home but could ask OP to come to her and go for lunch. The woman is being hammered for wanting to do something with her daughter on her big birthday.

I don't think she is being hammered for wanting to celebrate her birthday with her daughter - the problem is the massive side helping of guilt and that her daughter appears to be solely responsible for keeping the OP company - when generally a young adult child would form part of an overall group celebration or one of a series of catch-ups with friends and family.

I have no one else but her to celebrate with. I’ve always been a one to make a fuss over her birthdays. I can’t understand why she would be willing to leave me alone on the day.

Many posters in the same position as the OPs daughter have explained how smothering that is and how they backed away from their mums much more so than if they mum had more normal expectations.

No, she is being hammered for the "If my dd won't commit, I have no-one else to do anything with" line, along with the fact she won't engage AT ALL with posters making suggestions about her taking a look at her own life, rather than putting all the focus on her dd's current choices.

That is very different.

This is it. Have a friend whose mum is like this, everything falls on her and she's exhausted by it all.
Can't tell her as she then guilt trips her, so on it continues.
Seems it's the first one she's missed OP, cut her some slack, she's at uni, infatuated with a new bf and spreading her wings.

There is absolutely narcissistic about this posts.
Mothers are entitled to have feelings.

Wow OP, you really can't accept that she's growing up and finding her way in the world.
You reduce her independence to her ex as if her relationships define her.

This isn't healthy, as many have said, but seems you're not listening.

At 21 "talked about it for years" means that she was talking about it from a child's view and not really understanding how uni/adulthood would change it.

I remember being quite upset one night when I realised how terribly old I would be in the year 2000. I was going to be so old and boring, from my 14yo prospective and not think going into a new century at all interesting!
I was only going to be early 20s!
Now I am double that age, I realise that I still think things like that fun and know how small my outlook was.

A 16yo saying "of course I'll come home wherever I am and we're going to do all these things" is very different from a 21yo realising that a weekend out of term is not always easy to manage and arranging things in reality is far harder than theoretically arranging them in the future.

Why not take the pressure off for the day in terms time and suggest you have a weekend over Easter where you do some things together instead. Taking the pressure off will make her enjoy it much more - and you too.

OP’s daughter is 21 and at Uni. She hasn’t got a ‘partner’ - she’s got a boyfriend, may last, may not. She suggested the day and now she’s backing out. Poor show. She isn’t responsible for her mother, no - but is well old enough to understand thoughtfulness.

Regardless of what happens with DD, I hope OP can begin to build more of a social life of her own.

Kindly OP, this.

Or very true - we just don’t know do we.

That’s a pretty low bar for a parent though, of course op made a fuss and gave her child lovely birthdays, is that just not being a half decent parent?

I think it’s part distraction because of the new relationship, thoughtlessness of youth and part you mourning the change inevitable in the relationship. Throw in a bit of bad therapy about boundaries and you get this bruising outcome. Been there myself.
At this point be extra kind to you. Think of a place you would like to go or an interest you would like to take up. She will be back and it will be different, and maybe better but that doesn’t make your grief at the moment any less real.

Such a good point, learned behaviour.

Also, OP seems to think it's intense because DD isn't spending as much time with her.

Not many 21 year olds socialise so much with their parents. Birthdays aside, but even then, it's shouldn't be a summons.

Agree. I had an extremely emnmeshed relationship with my mother, went straight into a really controlling relationship with my first boyfriend. I couldn’t please anyone and I’d no idea that both her and him were being totally unreasonable.

And is being a thoughtful and kind not being a half decent daughter? The daughter had a good role model. Shame she’s being selfish and hurtful.

👏👏👏

Did she though? I don't mean that unkindly. OP seems intense and overly enmeshed. Like her DD. I think that's what the DD is having modelled. Not appropriate boundaries, diverse interests and friends, independence, all the good things.

It's perfectly okay to want your Daughter to spend a special birthday with you, especially since she had been discussing it beforehand. I'm sorry she's being inconsiderate OP, you should absolutely let her know she's hurt your feelings.

When did people become so selfish and self-involved? With a fuck everyone, I'm an adult and can do what I like and don't need to think about other people's feelings, especially my Mum's on a special birthday, attitude. It's so bloody depressing :-(

Bu tthe only thing that has actually happened regarding the Birthday is that OP has asked her DD to commit to a specific date 4-5 months in advance for them to celebrate together and the DD has said she can't do that. That isn't being hurtful or unkind. She is at uni and doesn't know where or when she will be working or if she's going travelling or maybe, as OP has said, gets some interesting opportunity abroad. I couldn't get my kids that age to commit to anything that far in advance. I think if OP just relaxes a bit and asks her again in 3-4 months if she wants to do something she will probably get a different answer. The way she is going about it is all wrong and very demanding.

I completely agree. It's the summer, OP may be travelling with friends/boyfriend on the date in question, or she may be rostered on to her cafe job or whatever she is doing to supplement her student loan. She hasn't said "fuck everyone" (nice phrasing, Tanqueray) she just isn't sure yet if she is available and since prior birthdays have been a bit more elaborate than a pub lunch e.g. theatre and minibreaks, she doesn't want to commit until her summer plans are firmer.

OP said her daughter had become more distant, and didn’t contact her as regularly. Even if in a new relationship, she could still keep in close touch, but it sounded as if she was making no effort at all. It didn’t come across to me that OP was pressuring her.

Yes, because OP puts waaaaay to much on her DDs shoulders. This is why the OP has to relax or she will push her DD away. It doesn’t mean that the DD is horrible, it’s just too much pressure being someone’s everything, especially when you are in the stage of life where you need to forge a life of your own.