Upset DD won’t celebrate my special birthday

[Lemonmeringue76]

For the last few years my DD aged 21 had talked about us doing something special for my next ‘big’ birthday. We have been to London for shows, cocktails and dinner or been on holiday for previous birthdays and always had a lovely time. Or at least I thought we did.

From being very close she has changed towards me recently and become more distant. I’m not sure if this is her age or the fact she is in a new relationship. She texts and phones far less frequently from uni. In the past we had seen a great deal of each other and regularly been out for dinner, spa days, cinema etc. She came home in uni holidays and for weekends.

She is now saying I might not even see her for my birthday, let alone do something special. I feel very hurt. I have no one else but her to celebrate with. I’ve always been a one to make a fuss over her birthdays. I can’t understand why she would be willing to leave me alone on the day.

She is busy with university. She may have classes she can’t miss or coursework deadlines. You haven’t told us what conflict is keeping her from visiting you, but it’s simply unrealistic to expect she will definitely be available on a particular day. This is especially true if there is travel involved.

if what you want for your birthday is to see your daughter, you may need to travel to her and just meet her for a meal.

I do understand your upset given it’s your 50th. But - she is likely only to become more independent as time goes on. You really need to start building your own network.

Kindly OP, this is a good opportunity to reassess what is working for you in your life and what isn't.
You are obviously not unreasonable at all to hope that your relationship with your daughter will stay the same because you enjoy your closeness and your birthday traditions, but as others have commented, she is so young and she may be needing to have different priorities at the moment. I don't think this means that doesn't mean she loves you any less, but I do think this means you may need to rethink your expectations and if you can put some other plans in place so it doesn't 'all fall on her shoulders' as it were.
It might be helpful to think about your previous experiences of birthdays, what you can organise for yourself and maybe even invite her to something, like you would to an adult friend.
I say this as someone whose mother also had very specific hopes and ideas of what would make a big birthday feel adequately celebrated, and I didn't have the capacity to organise it at the time. That's nobody's fault, but clinging to ideas of right and wrong isn't going to foster a healthy relationship between you. My mother was so hurt and cross that she didn't get 'the big birthday' but it wasn't my responsibility to meet that need in her, and I simply didn't have the bandwidth to meet it.
I wonder as well if this particular birthday is at a significant time when as other posters have said, your daughter is at the start of a new chapter and in an incredibly exciting time. Do you feel a bit jealous of her? That would be understandable.
Wishing you well OP and hope you can find a good way forward

i would ask her when is suitable for her and take Her out. i am sorry she is being distant.

I don't understand. Its fair enough she can't make your exact birthday or have money she wont miss to indulge you.

Can't you travel to her, take her out for lunch. Doesn't have to be the exact day!

Did you made a big fuss of her birthdays expecting her to do the same back? Have you said the words ' but it's my special day!" And keep a straight face?

I would also be feeling very hurt and disappointed if my DD treated me this way for a big birthday. She should be past the selfish teenage years by now and begin to appreciate all that you do for her. It’s definitely not too much to ask her to put aside a day to celebrate with you. Hopefully she has time to reflect and change her mind before your big day. If not, you should also reconsider how you celebrate her birthdays in future.

You need to develop your own life and friendships OP and not put everything on your daughter, that is a heavy emotional burden for her to carry.

I would be happy to travel to her for my birthday if she could commit to that being ok with her. It doesn’t have to be that she comes home. I think the problems (and the recent distance) are connected to her relationships. We had been very close the last three years due to firstly, her first relationship (when she was 15-18) ending and then from 19 having a long distance boyfriend who lived nearer our home than her uni. This was also a quite toxic relationship in which she often turned to me for support. I think she now associates home ( and maybe me too?) with him and avoids coming here as much.
She began her new relationship only two weeks after breaking up with the last bf. He lives in her uni city. She also has a tendency to become very emotionally attached very quickly. She has only been single for a year since being 15 and they are always very serious, potentially ‘the one’ relationships within a few weeks.

Kindly, I think this is natural and you can be proud of raising an independent daughter!

Why don't you have any friends? Would you like to? You could look at this as a opportunity to try something new or discover old hobbies again, to meet people?

I would look at this as a catalyst to make my own friendship group. Is there a hobby youre keen to try? There’s also the option of picking out a fancy singles holiday and booking that.

if your birthday is in holiday season celebrate in September when everyone’s back. Arrange a meal or gathering.

its a shame she’s being flakey and ok to be disappointed. But she is young. She’s also not responsible for your happiness

I have kids the same age, 20-+22, and they haven’t spent my last 3-4 birthdays with me. I don’t remember spending my mum’s birthdays with her when I was that age either. I have a close relationship with both my mum and my kids but this is just a natural progression of life, especially if you don’t live nearby. I have spent my birthday with friends instead and I will continue to do so. Maybe it’s time to start cultivating friendships?

Honestly, it’s the age, spreading her wings and definitely the new relationship too. It’s an inherently egocentric time for many, so, mostly normal.

That doesn’t mean, that for a big birthday, you shouldn’t expect her be there to help you celebrate.

It is an age where your kids don’t ‘need’ you any more, unless they need you. Then they do expect you to drop everything to listen to their woes, even if they want to solve the problem themselves.

All that said, I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to be disappointed too. You’ve had a few harsh replies, but I don’t think it’s too much to ask for her to be around for your 50th.

I’d wait, you’ve got a bit of time. When she’s home next, or you’re visiting her, have a face to face chat. Hear all about her new relationship and let her know that of course he’s welcome to come too (because if he’s still around he then, it’s not a quick fling). But, make sure she also knows that as much as you are happy for her happiness and independence, there are times when people should be there for each other and to celebrate each other. I think a big birthday is one of those times.

That’s a shame, I’d have been a bit sad if my eldest hadn’t come to my 40th, I had a lovely party and part of what made it special was that she’d come back from uni for the weekend and all my dc were together. She’s 21 too and is generally pretty kind hearted and thoughtful.

how is this helpful to the OP? Way to rub it in!

Does the date you do something special matter? Is she reluctant to do anything at all or is it just she won't commit to doing it on the actual day?

I would say to her that you understand she is busy on your actual birthday, so can she give you some dates she is free and you can book something nice to do then. Explain the options could be for you to visit her and do something in that area.

I know I’ve banged this drum on here a lot but OP please consider joining a WI group local to you. There are ones for younger women ( I’m younger than you but found one that suits me) - it’s not all jam and Jerusalem. Our group is made up of many women from many different walks of life who just needed a friendship group. We do theatre trips, cinema trips, lunches out, coffee meet ups - you can dip in and out as you choose.
Make a life for yourself while your daughter is making hers. Then when you meet you’ll both have stories to share.

I’d like to do something fairly near my birthday as it’s over the summer when she’s not at uni but am not fixed on the day itself. I think the problem is that she doesn’t want to commit to anything at all as she wants to kept her time totally freed up for things that the new boyfriend might want to do nearer the time.

Mine are at University and often can’t spend the actual birthday with me. That’s fine. I guess I am lucky as I have a good social life and other stuff to do as well as having a supportive husband. But I would never guilt my children into spending the day with me. They FaceTime me, send cards, text and we find other ways to celebrate together. I would much rather they were having an independent happy life than feeling obliged to come and see me on my birthday. I do feel remembered by them and loved though.

Please don’t put too much pressure on your daughter. If she really has all summer and is refusing to see you at all on your birthday, then she might be sending you a message. How about an open conversation where you are understanding rather than making her feel guilty so you can get to the bottom of it?

she should not be the only support in your life. I would hate to become an obligation to my children rather than somebody they want to see. I never want to be a ‘Duty’ to them, I want them to want to spend time with me. Maybe have a think about how your daughter sees you.

Op i would say she’s trying to take a atep back and live her own life your relationship sounds very unhealthy shes your dd not your husband.

I would give her some dates. I do feel like she is being a bit self absorbed and at 21 should be able to accommodate plans with you too over the long summer break.

I get how this is a hard stage for you but it's necessary for your DD to grow into her own person with her own life. You get adult kids that don't do this, who won't even try to launch or who develop a parasitic relationship with their parents where they treat them as an emotional dustbin. By individuating there is the potential for a much healthier adult: adult relationship in the future.

In the meantime you need to focus on coping with the change and investing in your own life. As an adult I've always preferred family relationships with people that were their own multidimensional people rather than those that just continued in their old family roles.

😬 This

I was trying to think of a way to say it more subtle like but yeah - your DD is trying to live her own life.

My own DD (20) who I've been very close to over her teen years is also doing similar; and I appreciate it's hard for you.

In the long run, the young person wants their independence and we have to suck it up. In a few years, you might be doing the spa days etc together - but for now, I wouldn't push her.

She's at uni and finding a totally new life and new possibilities and independence. Why don't you find something you can do by yourself for your 50th? Book a holiday, have an adventure, learn something new... There are lots of opportunities for single people and you might make new friends too. It's best not to rely too much on your daughter.

You need a larger social circle. What do you do whilst DD is at uni? Do you go out?

princesspadam
You sound like my mother
she’s a narcissist
it is not your daughters responsibility to make you happy or spend time with you on any day
youre an adult, stop acting like a child

To be fair you’re not being exactly lovely yourself are you?

op when you were that age and we’re getting out and about you would have been breaking free from your parents too, she’s in uni, you can celebrate another day/ time but do something new and nice yourself that day, if you can’t go see friends or family do a class or go to a talk or go visit somewhere you’ve always wanted to go. In the nicest possible way your ds should spend that day with you if she can, but she can’t be forced into it

Can you treat yourself to a holiday for your birthday?